Loneliest Man on Earth by 0 - Short, Sci Fi - 0 - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Helicopter "blades" is what you were looking for.

Irises = Arises?

So the military or whoever were just waiting for someone to type "is anyone out there" into google, and kidnap them?

Either way, I liked it.

3/5

And - off to a good start.

Quoted Text OBSIDIAN STRUCTURE

I had to google that - may want a more common term.

Quoted Text IRISES OPEN-

typo?

Loved the premise of what he searches for (types in Google) vs. what he finds.

Solid effort

A bit fragmented but I liked it. Definitely feels compressed to fit one page but the arc is complete. Very cool ending - great work.

Pretty ambitious for a one-pager, but a fairly decent story. Some of it I wasn’t sure about, like the hazmat guys, and what the actual connection is between the Being and the protagonist, but a good job here.

Best of luck,
Gary

This feels like a dream sequence whereby John has fallen asleep at his computer.  Not sure if I've got it.

Still an interesting read.

Didn't get the ending. It is ambitious and would be very expensive. The descriptions are a bit poetic for me but others love that.

Quoted Text This feels like a dream sequence whereby John has fallen asleep at his computer.  Not sure if I've got it.

I think I would've liked this if it ended up being a dream sequence, and the last shot is of John asleep at his computer. I dunno, just me.

IRISES OPEN...I believe that this isn't a typo, because I imagine a door that spirals open/closed like a camera shutter, or the doorways in the ventilation system in the movie ALIEN, like this:



I did like this story though. It was good for a one-pager, very ambitious too. Steven brings up a good point about why the military or whomever were waiting for someone to type "Is anyone out there?" into the search bar, but since the limit seems to be one page this time, I think you did a good job with it all. Good descriptions, too.

Some good elements in here but read too much like prose in places for me.

Loneliest Man On Earth

A daydreamer, or not? A too vague expression for me.
2

I thought I knew what was going on, but to be honest, I was a little confused by the ending.

It’s still an enjoyable read. I think you tried to get a hell of a lot onto one page.

Haha, this is funny. He types "is anyone out there" and of course - it's the swat team with guns looking for him as if he's the most wanted on planet Earth. Who'll save him from them? Nobody unless a big extraterrestrial wants to take that mission and here it is.
Yeah, go with your imagination, the wilder the better!
I liked this quite a bit.

Wow

SPOILERS

His match made in heaven is literally from the heavens.  I think this is a gem, it has flaws, but, it's really ambitious.

I think the middle was confusing.  I don't know if you can somehow get it across that the military came to him to whisk him away to see a spaceship about a date.  How would they know that it came from him?

Am I reading this wrong, or was the ship already there and they (the military) are waiting for it to tell them who to bring?  That part was very confusing.

But, overall, pretty cool.  Solid 3 from me.  If the middle made sense, I'd have given this a 5.  You really told a whole 60 min story in a 1 page outline.  Fix that up and wow, good job.

Dan

Wow, I thought I try to shove too much into a short. It is ambitious. I think maybe just work out some clearer connection with the military showing up right after his computer does that thing.

I didn’t love it, I didn’t hate it.

I can’t say with 100% certainty that I fully understood it. So is that your purpose, is it just not clear enough for me to understand, or I'm I not smart enough? Who knows.

Nice attempt but didn’t quiet get there for me.

Overall, you did a good job with the action sequences.

The thing that doesn't make much sense to me is why the government people in hazmat suits would be there. He put out a signal and was contacted by an alien just as the government shows up at the same time? Maybe this was insinuating that the government was also listening in...but it's a little hard to digest IMO. Maybe pick one or the other...or have the government guys show up a little later?

Good work!

I think you should stick with the dating website and the alien being 'his one'. The Hazmat guys, the helicopter... a little incongruous.

Something that could definitely be developed and work very nicely.

He's looking for a date, any date. The military's looking for some clue, any clue, about what the hell the alien's up to. When they get a hit, the military goes to get Lonely Guy (a la "The Arrival").

That's how I read it, anyway.

I'm happy for him. I wonder whether they will...nevermind.

Quoted from Stumpzian I wonder whether they will...nevermind.

It was implied that neverminding was a distinct possibility.

Quoted from FrankM It was implied that neverminding was a distinct possibility.

Bloated

I didn't get it. Probably says more about me than the script though. A 3 for ambition.

Writer,

Nice writing, descriptive, but just didn’t get it. And with the lack of a logline, seems like maybe you had trouble getting it too. Good effort, though.

Steve