The Tooth Fairy by 0 - Short, Horror - 0 - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Holy shit.

Not sure why, but when I read this line it totally derailed my train of thought: Pale shafts of light trap writhing dust motes.

Otherwise, I like the creep factor and knowing that total mayhem is about to occur with the child's impending scream. Nice work.

Quoted Text Not sure why, but when I read this line it totally derailed my train of thought: Pale shafts of light trap writhing dust motes.

Gotta say the same. Dunno why either, but that line totally threw me off and I had to read it a couple times.

Gruesome tale, though. Short, sweet, and to the point.

Hmm, I didn't get it. It seems very interesting though - the visuals are amazing. But ultimately, I'd like someone to explain this to me. What if it's a diamond and I'm just not getting it?

Quoted from khamanna Hmm, I didn't get it. It seems very interesting though - the visuals are amazing. But ultimately, I'd like someone to explain this to me. What if it's a diamond and I'm just not getting it?

The girl lost a tooth and received $20 for it. The father threw a bit of a hissy fit that he spent money on pliers and got chewed out by the mother, but she doesn't bat an eye giving their daughter $20 for a loose tooth. Turns out the mother didn't give the daughter money after all because she believes that the father did it. The father didn't do it either. So who gave the girl money? A crazy guy from a psychiatric hospital broke into their home, took the pliers, and is now threatening to pull a tooth from the girl's mouth after he gave her money for the tooth she already lost.

Took me a couple reads, but I believe that's what's going on here.

Thanks, Sean. But how is her being a frog factor in?

Quoted from khamanna Thanks, Sean. But how is her being a frog factor in?

I would say, frogs don't have teeth. But after a quick google search, apparently they do.

Ooh, I thought these weren't up till the 4th!

...

Okay, I get the script totally.

It has a certain person's trademark theme all over it too. Least I think of does...

Yeah... 'Writhing dust motes' is a bit much. 'Dust motes float in a shaft of sunlight' would be better.

See! My autocorrect just tried to changes motes to mites. Perhaps yours did a similar thing?

Anyway...

Terrific, creepy one-pager! Exactly what a super short should do.

Good on you.

P.S. The first review above is a good one. Very apt. Says it all.

Ok, thanks. Either way, it's visual, extremely creepy and makes for an interesting read overall.

What's this about a frog? I miss something?

Quoted from LC What's this about a frog? I miss something?

Lol, I think it's because of this line:

Quoted Text Floorboards groan under Minka’s leapfrog assault.

There's also a line that says "Minka takes one big hop inside to reveal a figure in a white dress. So I thought she's a frog that turned into a princess or something. Am I completely off?

Lol, the writer must roll his eyes at me now)


P.S. ok, got it now. everything is clear as she's not a frog. The writing tripped me a bit.
The psycho is a tooth fairy! This is funny and fresh.  
Yeah, liked this.

Ah, okay. Nope, I think she's just a boisterous kid, Kham.

Creepy AF. The writing was a bit confusing in parts, like the actual word choices.

Enjoyable though.

Another one that would make a good short film. Easy to shoot and effective.

Definately has a creep factor to it. I'd be surprised if this doesn't get snapped up really quickly.

I admire the writing here (except for two bumps: "pale shaft...writhing dust motes" and the line that begins "Not a dress he's wearing...". I'm not deducting for it, though).

A well-delivered story.

I agree.  Some of the prose was just a bit too cute.  It took me out of the story, and that is a big, no -no.  IMO, that marks it down a bit.  You never want to get too cute that it distracts from the story.  And the fact that that line has been mentioned so many times, that isn't good.

Creep factor was high.  I think you could even make it higher.  

SPOILERS
If the guy stole the dad's pliers, you should make a mention as to the fact they are now missing.

Solid little story.

Solid 3.  Would have been a 4 if not for that bad line.

Dan

The Tooth Fairy

A hard score to decide on here for me. On one hand, the execution is flawless and the story scary and triggering a lot of anger… then I don't believe an audience would like this episode. With kids you must be careful regarding your cinematic expression and especially the ENDING of the story. Therefore, I only go with a
2

Whoever wrote this is seriously disturbed. Nice job!

Creepy stuff! Thanks for giving me nightmares tonight...

I sort of feel like you should have gone the supernatural route. Like, this is the tooth fairy your mama never told you about-- the one from a fucked-up 18th century German children's book or something.

You get just as much chills from it being an escaped loony though. Good work!

Quoted from DanC Creep factor was high.  I think you could even make it higher.

Creep factor is plenty high if you have a child this age, thank you very much.

Horror?

Quoted from CameronD Horror?

No, cause it's such fun to have a phsyco with pliers around your kid!

Hmmm I'm not sure about this.  I would imagine the girl saying "no way" or runs away.   Not bad overall.

Quoted from jayrex Hmmm I'm not sure about this.  I would imagine the girl saying "no way" or runs away.   Not bad overall.

Though my experience with 6-year-olds is that any deal made more than ten seconds ago will be forgotten when it's time to do their part, I got the impression that the Tooth Fairy wasn't going to take "no" for an answer.

So I have a pretty good job, and I currently have six bucks cash on me.

But an escaped mental patient can get in and out of the house without the parents knowing, and has twenties to throw around in exchange for teeth?

Quoted from ajr So I have a pretty good job, and I currently have six bucks cash on me. But an escaped mental patient can get in and out of the house without the parents knowing, and has twenties to throw around in exchange for teeth?

Sorry, but I had to laugh at this. Very good!

Moving on...

Quoted from ajr So I have a pretty good job, and I currently have six bucks cash on me. But an escaped mental patient can get in and out of the house without the parents knowing, and has twenties to throw around in exchange for teeth?

You really should read Mo Hayder's, The Treatment, or any horror where there's a character hiding in a family's basement or attic.

That said, suspension of disbelief. As an audience we do this all the time.
Logically, a lot of people (cashless society) carry very little cash on us.

The 'ghoul' of this piece has escaped from a mental health facility.
Of course he will also be a thief.

The alternative is the writer change the dialogue between the parents so they discover their cash missing.

It amounts to imho, whether this would stand as an entertaining Short horror film.
Few tweaks, of course it would, and the proof will be after the tournament.

I would suspend belief if there was an element of 'magic' to this. As it's given to us though, the writer takes great pains to show us the place from which the person escaped. And if he's richer than me, then I'm going to go strip naked and run into the middle of the street and pour a pot of spaghetti all over myself. It sounds better on the inside...

And not only is this dude chucking Jacksons around, he's actually got hold of this dummy father's pair of pliers!

(0:

Quoted from ajr I would suspend belief if there was an element of 'magic' to this.

But there's an element of magic - the guy is a tooth fairy!

Writer,

Not bad. Just not sure why an escaped mental patient is is in someone’s home pulling teeth. Would’ve been creepier had there been a little more logic to it.

Steve