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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  She - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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She by 0 - Short, Horror, Thriller - A majestic creature falls into the ambush of Man. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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Solid writing for the most part - very good craftsmanship!

SPOILERS

I'm torn on "the SHE" - but I get it - humanizing in process.

Left a little for me at the end - yeah - I know we only got a page - but somehow to me there would have been more ooomph if SHE's last look was of her killer - maybe an innocent looking boy or something.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing, I like the ambiguity of it. Like what Dave said, I wish there was one more line after the last one in the script that gave a little more oomph to it. The last line, as poetic as it is, leaves room for more. One page, yes, but I think you could've fit one more line in there to reveal something surprising. Like what Dave also said, maybe a young boy, or maybe the MAJESTIC creature's last sight could've been a twisting horn from its forehead (i.e. unicorn).
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure why the writer chose not to use EXT at the start, threw me for a mo, then the intro of SHE without a description, I'm guessing horse, but it could be any hooved animal.

The snap of a branch is high in the trees but for some reason she looks somewhere else and spots the hide?

I think there's a decent idea in here but for me doesn't work like this.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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She

So she dies :-)
Not enough. The poetic approach does not translate to screen yet. Direction is good though-
2



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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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A few comment s on the quality of the writing. I disagree; I don’t think it’s that good.

The cartoonish sound effects, not EXT in the first slug, one mini slug has a period after it, almost every sentence starts with she.

I'm not sure there is much of a story here; I do consider it more of a drama. The horror didn’t shine through.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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khamanna
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:28am Report to Moderator
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I wonder why you didn't establish her being a horse from the very beginning. Don't think you forgot. Interesting choice.
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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Horror? I don't see it.

On screen I feel like this would just play out like any other hunting scene.

All the she this and that will be lost, because that's in the writing. So I guess the writing is okay, but it's a screenplay and as a screenplay I don't feel it will visually portray what you are trying to do here.

I just reread my last sentence, it barely makes sense but I don't know how to explain what I mean in a better way. Sorry.


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JEStaats
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Interesting. SHE could be many a creature (from doe to dragon) so kudos for that. The format's kinda strange but I'm not saying it's wrong, either.

As a story, it works although I'm not sure how this would translate to the screen. It would start with an image of SHE and the mystery is over. How would you film what SHE hears and her returning to earth?
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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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I assume SHE is a deer. The deer hunter is in a tree stand. Anyway, this has an ethereal quality that comes through on the page. As a one-minute film? Sure, with some revisions.



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jayrex
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Oh dear.

Not bad.  I can see what you're aiming for.  Or should I say, what he's aiming for.


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MarkItZero
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Had sort of a dream-like quality to it. Feels more like a writing exercise than a full story though.


That rug really tied the room together.
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FrankM
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely read is as She was a deer. For a deer with no prior contact with firearms, it's a "horrifying" experience. Something with an unexplained power you don't have is after you for unexplained reasons you don't understand. I think the genre's justified.

Only problem is that it reminded me of



Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM
Definitely read is as She was a deer. For a deer with no prior contact with firearms, it's a "horrifying" experience. Something with an unexplained power you don't have is after you for unexplained reasons you don't understand. I think the genre's justified.



Never really thought about it that way. If something isn’t horrific to the viewer but is horrific to the subject of the film is it still a horror? I’m not sure it is.

In my opinion the genre is more about how it affects the viewer. Comedy - laugh, drama - cry, thriller - tension, and horror - feel scared or be horrified/disturbed (Obviously all oversimplified). This doesn’t do that, for me at least. Will stop derailing the thread now. I’ve just never thought about it like that before.



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FrankM
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Never really thought about it that way. If something isn’t horrific to the viewer but is horrific to the subject of the film is it still a horror? I’m not sure it is.

In my opinion the genre is more about how it affects the viewer. Comedy - laugh, drama - cry, thriller - tension, and horror - feel scared or be horrified/disturbed (Obviously all oversimplified). This doesn’t do that, for me at least. Will stop derailing the thread now. I’ve just never thought about it like that before.


I agree the genre is about how it affects the viewer. Making this a horror picture would require visuals that put the audience in the mindset of the deer, not the hunter, and I think that's the writer's intent. It would a tough assignment for the director.

Plenty of characters in other genres get horrified by what goes on around them, IMHO it's whether the audience get visceral pathos with those characters that makes it horror.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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