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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2018 Writers' Tournament  ›  Love Me Tinder - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Love Me Tinder - WT  (currently 2056 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Love Me Tinder by 0 - Short, Drama - Be careful who you reject.  - pdf, format

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 2nd, 2018, 11:54am
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good. Maybe add some hint there's something off about her at the start - as in psycho. I liked a good bloody revenge though.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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As they used to say on Monty Python, and now for something completely different. Liked the line “I always swipe right.”  Not sure I would call this a drama, but whatevs.  Good writing on display.

Best,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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jayrex
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad, this one has a comedic edge to it.


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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I liked Jenny's last line. Overall, good little short. Makes me wonder how nonchalant Jenny really is to kill someone and then just go back to business at a crowded bar. Psycho, indeed.
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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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It's a bit coincidental to your story that Nathan got jenny's profile in his list at the exact point he looks at it, and she’s there in the bar. Not really how the app works. Long-time Tinder user here

Makes you think she’s done this before, but if she’s just killing in the street, how is she getting away with it? A few logic issues.

Didn’t do a whole lot for me.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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JEStaats
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Not bad but I had no idea what Tinder was. Maybe another victim of the page count but a short description of what swiping left vs. right would mean to these singles would be a big help. Jenny's intro should be capitalized and the interior location headings could have been part of an action to save space for more detail.

All in all, a decent little short.
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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Excellent title. I don't know how I know what Tinder is, but I do.
A few minor things I'd edit, plus I'd drop the last paragraph and end instead with her "I always swipe right" line.
Thumbs up.



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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 3:23pm Report to Moderator
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Love Me Tinder

Very cool and modern. Definitely works. It has a lot to offer. Wrong genre reference from my sight though. Ahh whatever, this can happen…
5



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ajr
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 5:32pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely not drama. It's a bit too... out there to be considered drama. Horror / comedy, yes. Title was a cool play on words. Another script that didn't FADE IN and FADE OUT. I'm finding these hard to judge because they're basically ideas, and some are good ones, however like in this case, there's no way to plausibly set up the woman as a psycho murderer.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Is no fade in or fade out bending the rules or cheating them? This script would have undoubtedly hit the two page mark if it had them on the page.

Anyway...

She killed a guy in the smoking area of a nightclub with at least one witness. I am guessing we are to assume this isn’t the first time? I think you either need to lose the witness or make this feel more like a spur of the moment, one-off to make this work.


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RJP
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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I like the concept. The writing needs to be cleaned up a bit.

I feel like the whole "swipe right" with a knife thing is so cool that some producer is going to stumble upon your script and steal it! Make it a set piece in a feature of something ha ha ha.

I'd say don't change your style-- tighten up the prose a little bit and... good job!
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khamanna
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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It's punchy and quite entertaining. I gave it a rating of 4.
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LC
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Imh, this is horror not drama.

NATHAN
Yeah, look at you. Who wouldn’t?

Nathan should register some shock before this line. He hadn't seen her before this in the actual nightclub, right?

I like the social commentary, cautionary tale/fatal attraction theme of this one.
No-one likes being rejected.

Nice work.
P.S. The title is great.


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CameronD
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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Good!


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