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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Paramour's Moderators: bert
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bert
Posted: February 3rd, 2006, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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Don't get me wrong.  I thought Helio's point was a fair one, too.

But then again, even the title is suggestive, if you "get it".

And don't forget, for an anonymous contest, the logline will make or break the story in terms of getting it read, so yeah, I was putting it out there for that reason, too.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Helio
Posted: February 3rd, 2006, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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Here is the great point of this discussion!

Quoted from Breanne

"Seriously, though, it would have been an interesting experiment to see if people would have just assumed it without it in the logline."

Maybe our MACHO feelings did not let us to think these subtleties, Brea, Bert and James.

sfpunk, I new that because her pet pilfered them and went to the backyard to play with them – it preferred to play with the Huge Purple one!

By the way, I don't remember who said here when read my script Hell the Last Station, This person thought it was a different thing when he read the title.
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Helio
Posted: February 3rd, 2006, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Answering sfpunk quote: "why do you know this? haha" - because all guys in the saloon commented!
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Andy Petrou
Posted: February 12th, 2006, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Bert... naughty boy!!!

LMAO!! Well, what can I say? Sorry for the late review, but better late than never.

Hee hee, I liked this... a lot. I think you write very well and you always tell your stories with such ease. It's always a pleasure to read something by you.

Great little story you got there! Original, witty and snappy too. I wonder how they got those phallic pieces polished to such a fine sheen eh.....????

This was completley different to what I had expected. I didn't get too much of a lesbian vibe though, guess I know a lot of "friendly" girlfriends, so missed some of the subtleties actually.... as I'm used to the "friendly" nature of some of my girly-friends, lol!

It was a good logline by the way, just did the order of my reading another way this time around, not because the logline didn't get my attention.

Good job and well done on the description too btw.

Andy xxx
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bert
Posted: February 13th, 2006, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Sheesh...if Andy calls you naughty, you really have to wonder if maybe you've crossed the line....

Thanks for your kind words on this.  I am pretty fond of this one now, and ended up liking it much more than I thought I would when I first started drafting it.

And a "fine sheen" comes from craftsmanship, by the way.

As if I'm the naughty one around here...


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W
Posted: February 18th, 2006, 7:56am Report to Moderator
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That brings back memories of Pulp Fiction; I feel a large weight lifted after reading that.

I didn’t see much wrong with it technically or physically which is a good thing especially since I usually find a lot of spelling errors in screenplays. The one thing I had a problem with is you used “She” a lot line after line in your description… I don’t know if this is acceptable, if it is that’s awesome I always thought people would say “That looks stupid” and stop reading so basically it makes me nervous and I scale back descriptions.

Like people say “You learn something new every day”

I really enjoyed this and think it’s a very entertaining piece but it’s you and I have come to expect nothing less from the guy who gets overshadowed when collaborating. Just know that if you keep putting off Starbuck Starr to do these your audience will revolt, a mutiny if you will ha-ha (Remember what happened to Captain Jack Sparrow? You might be next.)


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Kevan
Posted: April 11th, 2006, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Bert

Said I'd repay the read for you kindly reading MORELLA..

Sorry I got to this script late, don't know how I missed it..

I'm glad I eventually read this, it's a fine little story with a hint of suggestiveness that doesn't go too far and the main violence is off screen - hehe - ouch!

Seriously, I love the way you describe characters, Bert, you have a talent there, I must work on this aspect of my own work - yours puts mine to shame!

There's some great descriptions of artifacts, the appearance of same, smells, color and more besides in this script, again hallmarks of a good writer..

The dialogue is very good too, one can tell you've worked hard on this..

I reckon one of the hardest things to pull-off is to suggest a theme within a theme but you pulled this off with aplomb also..

I did see some of the similarities with the ending as in Pulp Fiction, this popped in my head as soon as I read the ending, so it worked on that level too..

Excellent read Bert, and funny too..

I really enjoyed it..

Let me know if you ever consider writing an erotic screenplay or at least a screenplay with some erotic scenes in it, I'd love to see how you write this.. Hint, hint.. (just kidding)

Kev
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bert
Posted: April 12th, 2006, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for looking at this one, Kev.  Most of the Westerns get overlooked, but what's cool about this genre is that once you get bumped to the top, you get to sit there, like, forever.

Now watch somebody read one tomorrow....

This one was actually part of the last "One Week Challenge" -- where Phil chose a Western theme -- it was anonymous for a while, and you might get a laugh out of knowing that everybody thought Brea wrote it.  Go figure.

Thanks for the compliment on the characters.  I like these characters, and hope to use them again in Starbuck Starr if I can manage to do so.  (The gold-tooth bandit is already a character in that story, actually.)

And I have yet to see anybody on these boards pull off some good erotica -- although there is plenty of bad erotica to be had -- I can tell you were to find it if you want haha.

Thanks again for the comments.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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HAHAHAHA, this was great, it was funny and twisted, good job bert, I thought you had a good grasp on the dialog, it felt real, plus I loved the characters, the gold tooth guy(what a slimy bastard), and on the ending, great job, I was laughing my ass off .  keep up the great writing.


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bert
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the look, Drex.  Glad you enjoyed it.

You are probably one of the few people that might have enjoyed the "extended" ending -- which took things a little bit further --

-- but it was actually edited out almost immediately haha.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it...


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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 22nd, 2006, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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I would have loved to have read the extended ending.  I bet it was a real hoot


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Kevan
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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I would have loved to have read the extended ending.  I bet it was a real hoot


Me too, me too, me too..

Yes Sir, indeedy..

Please let us read it Bert, we beg you.. Please.....


Kev

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bert
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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You guys....

It was deleted, you two -- not saved.  Deep-sixed.  Terminated.  747'd, if you will.

Should I recreate it someday, I'll let you know.

The gist concerned Gerri undoing his belt buckle, a little more banter between the girls, and an O.S. scream from Gold-Tooth during that final fade -- as the blinds snapped shut.

I thought the scream was too much.


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George Willson
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe a scream followed by him saying, "Oh my God, yes!" Or is that way too much?  


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tomson
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
The gist concerned Gerri undoing his belt buckle, a little more banter between the girls, and an O.S. scream from Gold-Tooth during that final fade -- as the blinds snapped shut. I thought the scream was too much.


That would have been perfect Bert. Ending with the blinds snapping shut. Possibly a scream to make it a little "Pulp Fiction'ish", but no more than that.

Don't listen to George here.
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