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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  A Visit To A General Store Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Visit To A General Store  (currently 3980 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Visit To A General Store by Stephen R Francis - Short, Western - A mysterious stranger enters a general store one rainy afternoon ... with a most unusual request. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - doc, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  January 28th, 2006, 12:04pm
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James McClung
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Another good one.

Clever premise with a nice twist. I'd recommend you drop the underlines though. They're quite distracting and it's also telling the actors how they're supposed to say something. Actors like to make their own decisions and something like this is bound to tick them off.

All in all, an enjoyable read. Short and simple.


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George Willson
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 11:58pm Report to Moderator
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Very clever.

I liked the simple plot along with the whole range of movie references. Man, you'd have to be a real freak to get all of- oh wait.

This reminded me of something like a Saturday Night Live sketch. It was short, witty, and one-setted. It had the existing character interacting with something out of their environment, and when it's all over, they go on with life.

Very well written. Someone ring up Lorne Michaels.


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Shelton
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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Well, I'd say somebody had a pretty good source of inspiration for this one.

This was a well written piece in terms of dialogue, but the font should have been at twelve point without the cut to's.

I think everything here flowed nicely.  Great premise, and great execution.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Martin
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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This is the first one of these I've read and very good it is too. A clever idea well executed. I'm sure I missed a few references but that didn't detract from my overall enjoyment. The dialogue is top notch.

I agree with James though, you should lose the underlines since they're just a distraction.

Good stuff whoever you are.
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Helio
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Great piece here...Maybe Sergio Leone and Tonino Valerii should say: "Bello lavoro, bambino!"  

This was a good reading !
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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this, but in my opinion the end kind of ruins it for me.  I would have ended it with bob just leaving and Sam and Hobart just nod and say "Glad to be rid of that damn blanket" then they continue their poker story.  Of course, that would make the entire script a comedy, rather than a comedic script with a nice tbwist, but I'm kind of getting sick of twists I see them so often.  I really did like it though,You'll have to let us know how you came up with it once were rid of this anonymity.


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Nixon
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 11:56pm Report to Moderator
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Another solid entry.

Your approach and plot definitely sets you apart from the others.  For the most part your dialogue and descriptions were great but when you did "this", the whole underline thing, it sort of rattled me and took away from the story.  

Overall, nicely done.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.

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bert
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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[Post deleted cuz the author is too lazy to read anybody else's story]


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Antemasque
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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I'm sorry but i must be the only one that did not like this. I'm sorry but it just was not that enjoyable to me. It was a good story yes but it didn't do justice for me. Sorry  

5/10
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KenneyP
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it a lot, loved the references.
The Stranger reminded me of those Sergio Leone characters, but qua dialogue I'd say The Dane from Miller's Crossing

Very good.
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Heretic
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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Absolutely great!  Lots of goofy references and as we slowly realize what's happening...well, it was good.

Coulda picked a funnier name for the stranger, though.


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greg
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Hahaha.  Nice take on the best western trilogy of all time.  Really, truly nice work on that part.  But STOP capitalizing SHTUFF like THIS because now I see WHY it is kind of ANNOYING and have ELIMINATED it from all of my SCREENWRITING works.  Might wanna take it easy on the underlining too.  It's acceptable, but too much is pushing it.

Also caught the Indiana Jones bit--you have good taste in movies.  The thing that separates this from a full fledged western is the dialogue.  Some of it was top notch, but some of it was too modern.  You didn't exactly say which year this was, so it could have been modern, but then again Man with No Name was post Civil War.

But all that aside I found this very enjoyable, especially the end.  I think film buffs will greatly appreciate endings like this.  It's funny and clever and really puts a smile on your face.  At least it did with me.

Oh yeah, I know who wrote this.  Good job!


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tomson
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this!

I canít wait to find out who wrote this because it started out very much like my own story. The spurs on the wooden floor, spitting tobacco and someone coming into the general store. Your story took an amusing, witty and clever turn, mine took a turn towards extreme graphic violence, strong sexual content and probably strong language too.  I think someone said we werenít supposed to do that, oh wellÖnever posted it anyway.

I agree with the above posts as far as the technical stuff goes, so I will only mention stupid little nit-pick stuff that doesnít really matter. By the way, when people start picking on stupid little stuff, that means your story was really pretty good and now weíre just searching with magnifying glasses for anything to pick on. Itís a compliment!

How do we know Samís a retired corset salesman?

At the end of page one, Hobartís dialogue continues onto page two. First line on page two needs to be:  HOBART (contíd)

On page 3 the Stranger speaks, then Sam speaks and then the Stranger again. This time you write (CONíT) after the Stranger speaks the second time.
Not necessary.

I donít know about the ETREME CLOSE UP: THE STRANGERS EYES.
It wouldíve been sufficient to just say The Strangers eyes are blazing.
I could be wrong, Iím no expert.


       STRANGER
No name?  What the hell kind of a gimmick is that?

That line is too long. Should be more like:

       STRANGER
No name?  What the hell kind
of a gimmick is that?


Same with:

       SAM
Anyway, where was I?   Oh yeah.  So this guy folds
The ace of hearts, see, and ---

Should be:

       SAM
Anyway, where was I?  
Oh yeah.  So this guy folds
The ace of hearts, see, and ---

Am I bored and have nothing better to do? No, I liked your story and therefore took my time to put my two cents in.













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stephenR
Posted: January 30th, 2006, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys.   Thanks for the feedback.  (I'm the guy who wrote this, and this is my first time posting things, so I hope this is where I do it.)   Obviously, from now on, I'll watch my use of UNDERLINES.   By way of explanation/excuse --- I've been lucky enough to have some things produced -- (check out my horror movie "Slash" under movie scripts on this site) ----and, after hearing actors throw away  lines, I guess I got a little overprotective.   But thanks.  I never realized that too many underlines put readers off.
This was a fun exercise though.   Many thanks.

best-
stephen
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MarioBosanac
Posted: May 9th, 2013, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Great script! Love the pacing and the depth of characters. Short, witty and fun!
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