SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 3:13am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  State Texas Population Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    State Texas Population  (currently 1990 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
State Texas Population by Jamie Parker (GravyBoatMan) - Western - The Lonestarr family live alone in the middle of nowhere. They've lived there for some time now and have never seen a single other person for a long time. Suddenly, they are forced to answer the question they have asked themselves for so long, "why are we alone?" as someone or something begins to threaten their existance. 106 pages - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Parker
Posted: May 16th, 2006, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
New


Yes

Location
England
Posts
278
Posts Per Day
0.04
Great thanks. Just wanted to mention, like my other script Veteran Vista, I was much younger then. Wrote it when I was around 16. The concept I still think is solid and unique but not sure if I've gone the right way in doing it.

Would appreciate any feedback because I'm thinking about rewriting this one. I really love its storyline.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 1 - 5
The boy who could fly
Posted: May 17th, 2006, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1387
Posts Per Day
0.21
Just finished it.

first I'll go with the format, it's pretty good, just get rid of the scene numbers, you don't need those.  You also have som huge gaps here inbetween dialog, but that's no biggie, easy to fix.  Plus are you from canada because you spelled flavour and colour like we do here in the great white north, I usually try to spell it the american way(I feel like a trator sometimes).

another thing is with the in your dialog, you really don't need those.

on scene 35 you say pore, I think you mean pour.

okay, now on to the story.

I have to say you have an interesting idea here, lookslike you put a lot of effort into it so I applaud you on that.

my biggest complaint is your dialog, it didn't feel real at all.  I think maybe you should watch some westerns, that will help a lot.  And you say it is and he is a lot, you should change it to it's, he's, sounds more natural.

you had a really creepy scene with the thumping on the roof.  good job there.

SPOLERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the end  WTF , i did not get it, it threw me off and there was really no explanation, just that these aliens came and destoyed the earth, and how was the family never disscovered, i figured somewhere in those 100 years someone would have spotted them.

so, I think you have a good idea, and you tried and it showed, so hopefully in the re-write you can fix up the dialog and have more of an explanation in the end.

so keep up the good work, and god luck with the re-write


Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 2 - 5
Parker
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 3:34am Report to Moderator
New


Yes

Location
England
Posts
278
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks for reading it TBWCF and thanks for giving me feedback. I love the story too. I didn't have much of a vocabulary back then . I'm from England, we spell the same as Canadians I guess . And the dialogue, it really doesn't sound real for me either, that was the biggest reason why I wanted to re-write the script and thanks for achknowledging it. You're right about the family never being discovered in 100 years or so, I think in the re-write I'll have them hidden somehow by rocks or trees or something. I'll fugure it out. The ending, I wanted to give it the whole "confusion" ending but I guess I should explain it a lot more.

Thanks again for reading it and thanks for the advice !


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Parker  -  May 18th, 2006, 10:38am
Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 3 - 5
TAnthony
Posted: June 2nd, 2006, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
New


Never take your eyes off your opponent

Location
USA
Posts
107
Posts Per Day
0.02
The entire premise of the story is very original. Good Job.

Okay first off you have a very well written script that had some very thrilling moments, however it did seem to drag a little through the middle. I’m not sure how, but I think you should speed things up a bit. In the last scenes the script really began getting interesting again, and you threw in some surprises that I didn’t see coming. The one down point was the dialogue, none of it seemed real. Fix that up, and I think you’ll have a really cool story.


HUGE SPOILERS—



The Good
-I really enjoyed the narration. Good touch.
-The first appearances of the dark figure could be pretty creepy.
-Another scene that could be very creepy on screen is the thumping on the roof.
-The downed aircraft really surprised me.
-Your script really began to get interesting in the final stretch.

The Bad
-No need to count scenes.
-The part where Quentin says “Its jaw looks to be slightly but noticeably larger than the last few we’ve came across Travis.” That does not sound like real dialogue.
-Also sometimes when a character is through talking they don’t need to end it with the character they’re talking to’s name. Like: “Let’s not jump into that zone of paranoia Quentin.” Sometimes it’s perfectly fine, but in that case every speech you had in that particular conversation ended with someone’s name.
-Once again the conversations being held just don’t seem real at all.
-The names of the characters don’t need to be capitalized. Only when they are introduced for the first time.
-On page twenty when they find the animal. You say it’s an unknown breed. I think it would be better if you described what it looked like more.
-Your script really drags along a lot. I’m not sure how, but it’d be a great idea to try and speed things up.
-I’m not sure the monologue on page 64 is needed.
-When Quentin and Travis are alone and it might rain. Quentin says “it’s about to rain big time and you know as well as I do... we can’t make it through the night being rained on with no fire to warm us.” In the action descriptions you’ve written that they are sitting next to a camp fire.
-“I feel physically ill.” I don’t think too many people would say that.

Questions/Comments
-“The kind that’d spur your blood insane.” What’s that mean?
-I don’t understand why they started stamping their feet on page 58.
-What was the point of scene 18? You can take that out I think.
-I think Travis could be younger than 40.


I’m really really really confused about the ending. Can you explain it to me a bit more, because when I was finished reading it I was like… what? In a century no one has been able to find them?

Even though your ending was a little weird, I really enjoy scripts or movies like this where the idea is just way out there, and it’s different than the average idea. Your script was good, the only low point was the dialogue. It’s seemed so fake in some parts. I’m currently finishing up a western I’ve been writing, and before I began writing it, I bought and watched a thousand westerns so I could kind of get the dialogue and other things down. You should probably do that too. Anyway your script was pretty good overall.

Good Luck.


"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? -- Training Day

All of my scripts on SimplyScripts
http://www.simplyscripts.com/cgi-bin/search.pl?search=Tanthony

Mayhem - Sci-Fi
Loud and Nasty - Action/Thriller
Down and Dirty (Sequel to L&N) - Action/Thriller
Fool's Gold - Western
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM Reply: 4 - 5
Parker
Posted: June 4th, 2006, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
New


Yes

Location
England
Posts
278
Posts Per Day
0.04
TAnthony,

Thanks for reading this and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Also glad you've said it's very original.

Yeah, the dialogue, I really do need to fix that . I am going to rewrite this sometime this year and I'm going to fix it big time.


Quoted Text
-The names of the characters don’t need to be capitalized. Only when they are introduced for the first time.


I keep doing that. It's a bad habit. I will quit it next time, I know I will.


Quoted Text
-When Quentin and Travis are alone and it might rain. Quentin says “it’s about to rain big time and you know as well as I do... we can’t make it through the night being rained on with no fire to warm us.” In the action descriptions you’ve written that they are sitting next to a camp fire.


By Quentin saying: "we can't make it through the night being rained on with no fire to warm us..." I meant that the rain would put out the fire.


Quoted Text
-“The kind that’d spur your blood insane.” What’s that mean?


I'm not exactly sure myself. I was 16 when I wrote this and I used to type in smaller words then get bigger or "cooler" sounding words to replace them. I think it meant "The kind that'd boil your blood insane".


Quoted Text
-I don’t understand why they started stamping their feet on page 58.


On page 56 Travis tells Joss "If anything happens... anything you’re unsure about... noises, feelings... bang on the floor with your feet, okay? As hard as possible."


Quoted Text
-What was the point of scene 18? You can take that out I think.


That was a scene I just threw in after I had completed the script. It was just to show the inside of the greenhouse.


Quoted Text
-I’m really really really confused about the ending. Can you explain it to me a bit more, because when I was finished reading it I was like… what? In a century no one has been able to find them?


... yeah... that's the HUGE flaw in the storyline. It's been pointed out by everyone who's read it and I'm definitely changing that. They would've easily been seen in the middle of nowhere so in the rewrite I'm changing where their house is situated to somewhere under cover like underneath some trees... part of it hidden inside a cave or something. I'm not too sure at the moment but when I come to the rewrite I'll think of something as it really is a big, big flaw.

I will definitely rent or buy some westerns to figure out the language much better. Thanks for the great review TAnthony. It was very helpful and I hope to read that western of yours when you complete it. Again, thanks.  


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
Logged
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 5 - 5
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Western Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006