The Lone Ranger: Silver Justice by Jeremy S. Noe (Jerrynoe_71) - Western - John Reid returns home from law school and rides with his father and brother, both Texas Rangers who are after Brent Collins, a vicious outlaw that heads The Sagebrush Gang. But the gang leads them into a narrow canyon and ambushes them, killing all but John, who is saved in the nick of time by Tonto. He nurses John back to health and together they ride side by side, searching for the man responsible for the murder of his family and friends. Along the way, Tonto assists John in becoming the iconic hero...The Lone Ranger!    79 pages - pdf, format

This is my first western. The script has since gone through a rewrite. It will be up in the near future. I hope you all find this one entertaining and worth the read. Feedback is a plus, both NEGATIVE, as well as positive. There are plenty of new scripts up so I'm going to start reading. Not a bad day to spend the day

Not really a western fan in general, but The Lone Ranger is always cool.  I'm fourteen pages into this and it's fantastic!  The scenes and emotions and action are all right on the money!  Including the dialog.  It all feels so natural.  I'll finish this by the end of the night!  Great script.

Thanks for the read Steven8! I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far. It's gone through one rewrite already and I'm going to begin another this weekend. I'm going to add one scene that will help to intensify the Tonto/Lone Ranger friendship. It will definitely add more depth to the characters. I'm thinking about using this as an entry in a contest, but haven't quite decided yet. What do you think?

I just read the script again for the hundredth time and found several grammatical errors. I also see the need for a couple of added scenes. I have a couple in mind, and I think they will make the script tighter and a better read. Of my three scripts, I feel this one is the best. But I still need feedback. Thanks to all of you who took the time to check it out.

Hi Jerry,

Your writing is solid - the dialog is authentic and your descriptions do a good job of establishing your location.  Plain and simple, it feels like a western.  Not easy to do.

We haven't given any thought to a Lone Ranger origin story, so it's an interesting premise: Why is he "Lone"?  How'd he meet Tonto?  Out of curiosity, are these characters in the public domain?

We do think your script could benefit from a longer setup.  As it is, we don't have much opportunity to see John with his family before they are ambushed.  You have the flashback later, but it would draw the audience in a bit more if you let them really care about his family before they're killed.  Let them feel John's loss.  Think of ways to show it.  Having them really identify with John makes him a little less of a cipher.

You also might consider bringing a little tension to John's relationship with Tonto, i.e. your dynamic character.  It needs to have more of an arc to show personal growth for both parties.  It surprised us a bit that John wasn't upset that Tonto killed most of the bandits since he saw that as *his* opportunity for revenge.  Maybe that's a place to start - with some anger and mistrust, so you can give the two of them someplace to go.

Bart's an effective villain - ruthless and impersonal.  You might want to give a bit more information about Cavendish and his motives.  Is he just after the mine, or is there something else going on?  Overall, nice job.  With a bit more refinement, you can make people see the Lone Ranger in a whole new light.  

Thanks for the review Tony!

I'm writing a scene where John and Tonto are at odds with each other after specific action was taken during a rescue. I think it fits well and it will definitely better define both characters.

I began the script with the ambush because I wanted the brutality of it to shock and awe the reader. The flashback scenes I used to fill in John's back story, but to a lesser degree. I thought it best to do this for this particular script and then delve a bit deeper into his past in the next installment.

In the comic, Cavendish was just sort of there. A back story wasn't given for him so I had to build on what I thought the writers were implying.

I did struggle with John's character. As you've noticed, Tonto and Bart were better developed. That wasn't intentional. It just happened that way.

As for Cavendish, his plan was to kill Dan and Jacob so he could take possession of the mine and use his alliance with the railroad to lay track to it so the metal could be hauled away, thus making it look like it was his all along and everything was on the up and up, all the while working his way into political office so that he can "federalize" Texas. There was actually several story elements working into the plot and I tried to blend them in as best I could, given what info was in the comic.

The Lone Ranger is currently being published by Dynamite Entertainment. The new series is awesome. I know a new film is being made starring Johnny Depp as Tonto. It's being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer (did I just butcher his last name?!) I have no idea if it's based on the new comic.

Originally, It was a Ranger that betrayed the Reid's, and this premise was used in the new comic, but I left him out on purpose so I could meld him into the next script, making it more of a conspiracy. But we'll see if it fits as it should in the next chapter.    

First batch of notes just to hold you over...

pg. 3 - Big gap between the action line and Bob's dialogue.

- "You sons of bitches!"

pg. 4 - You can lose the note about Burlap. It's not standard for spec scripts and kind of annoying in a Tarantino-ish way.

pg. 10 - Another gap between John and Jacob's exchange about the expensive wine.

pg. 11 - You can lose the INSERT. Really, unless someone wouldn't think to show it otherwise, you can do without the command. Here, it's pretty obvious the star's gonna get a closeup.

- I like your bandit characters. Fun and cartoonish yet appropriate for the story.

pg. 21 "A cup of coffee?" In a cave? Just seems weird.

pg. 22 - "I too know what it is like..."

pg. 27 - Another big gap in the dialogue.

- John figures out how to shoot with his left hand pretty quick. I think it'd taken a little more than two tries.

- It seems strange that the horse would let John touch him one moment then the next, act aggressively. If Terrence is going to be surprised, he should be surprised by the breaking of the horse, not John petting it. Otherwise something else needs to be fixed.

pg. 37 - "He won't throw me off a second time..."

Still about halfway through. Should be done by tomorrow night or Sunday.

Those huge gaps occur quite frequently with The Hollywood Screenplay software. I have yet to figure out how to fix it. There's nothing in manual that addresses that problem. I do use Hollywood Screenwriter as well. I prefer it actually. I'm wondering if there's a way I can transfer it from Hollywood Screenplay to Screenwriter?

I'm still fixing dialogue and working out the 2 scenes I'm going to add. Once those are in place, I think the script will be much better.

As for John shooting well with his left hand, I tried to give the impression that he was frustrated and just did it on a whim and found that he was a dead-eye when it came to quick draw and rapid firing. I was hesitant to use SUPERIMPOSE as much as I did, that's why I added some dialogue that touched on the amount of time that had passed from the time he was shot until the time he actually rode as The Lone Ranger.

I'm still honing the craft.

But thanks for the critiques. That's what I'm needing to help me grow as a writer   

pg. 53 – “RUINS OF CABIN”

- There should be a little more resistance in terms of who goes and who stays at the mine. Mines are dangerous. I think both John and Tonto would have the sense to worry about the others’ safety. I think John should insist Tonto go and Tonto put up some resistance to leaving.

pg. 59 – “I can feel the blood in my veins boiling.”

- What’s a smash cut? I’ve never heard of it and I went to film school.

pg. 64 – Who’s Butch? I think you mean Cavendish.

- Obviously, Cavendish is the bad guy. Still, the guy Bart kills earlier on practically spoils things right off. I’d go back and adjust that particular line if I were you.

- Bart obviously isn’t fighting Tonto and Tonto doesn’t seem petty enough to force an incapacitated man into combat. I’d fix this.

Okay. First off, if you could fill me in as to what this is in relation to the real Lone Ranger movie/TV show, that'd be great. It's not a problem or anything. I'd just like to better understand the script. Is this a remake? A prequel? Your homage to the series? Just curious.

Anyway, I thought this was generally good. Classic Western style. Everything seems to fit well and yet it doesn't feel all that cheesy or cliche so well done there. Plenty of character development as well in regards to all characters. Bravo. Plenty of action too. Rarely boring. Everything seems good. So the only glaring issue I see as of now is with your main duo. Most of the action/intense scenes come from Bart or Cavendish. They're the bad guys. They're supposed to be nasty. However your main protagonists seem to be missing out on a lot of the action. Of course, there's the opening shootout, the final showdown and Tonto taking down the baddies in John's stead. However other than that, most of the script is these guys preparing to do battle and just walking around by themselves. They don't really get into the thick of things until the end. Especially John. He spends pretty much the first act of the script semi-comatose. I think the flashbacks could be handled better, ideally in a way that makes for more acting on John's part. It also wouldn't hurt to add some more interaction with them and the baddies. Maybe a shootout where they're able to get away. I don't know. You've got about 10-20 pages of breathing room so you can do what you like. Just saying. The Lone Ranger and Tonto seem awfully passive in comparison to their opposition. This should not be, especially when the script's called The Lone Ranger.

Other than that, pretty solid work. Very well written and a fun read. I enjoyed it.

Well, he's called The Lone Ranger because he was the "lone survivor" of the ambush. Many have a problem with calling him The 'Lone" Ranger when he travels with Tonto. Me, I don't have an issue with it. I think the scene where Cavendish receives the telegram from Bart where he states "apparently, there's a lone ranger"pretty much clarified that issue.

I'm still working on the two scenes that show tension between Tonto and John. I know where to place them in the script, just finding the time to do it now is the problem.

I may also rewrite the beginning, using the flashbacks as the set-up leading to the ambush. But I don't know how that will work.

I'm still cleaning up the dialogue and there isn't anything I can do for closing those gaps. It's a software issue.

A SMASH CUT is used to suddenly break away from a scene, transitioning it instantly into another. An example would be a character is running from some unseen force. He's running for all he's worth. He keeps glancing over his shoulder, eyes wild with fear. Then, he stumbles over a fallen branch as the shadow of the thing chasing him falls across his body. As he turns to face the inevitable and the shadow darkens, we--

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

The character wakes suddenly, face glistening with sweat. His chest is heaving. He looks around his room, disoriented. He SIGHS as he realizes he was jus having a nightmare.

That's the best example i can give for a SMASH CUT. I'm sure there are those on the board that could explain it more clearly than this long example I've just given you.

This is an adaption of the new comic series produced by Dynamite Entertainment. The Lone Ranger is still the same as was established in the old radio serials and television show, a man that always strives to do what is right, never taking advantage of the weak, and upholding the rights of the oppressed. he wanted to kill the men that took his family from him, but realized that if he did, he'd be exactly like them. So he doesn't kill. Tonto on the other hand is more literate and vengeful in this series. He is much darker and in my opinion, the more interesting of the two characters. I tried to reflect that as I wrote him. He isn't portrayed in this series as the typical persecuted Indian. He is fiercely independent, wise and cunning, and isn't some one to be trifled with!

But I will take into consideration all of your comments. I do find them helpful, so keep them coming