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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Red Storm Moderators: bert
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  Author    Red Storm  (currently 7476 views)
James McClung
Posted: July 26th, 2010, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Ryan. I've done several rewrites of this one. The latest version is only several weeks old. I've neglected to post it since the page count seems to have turned a lot of people off to it. At least I would assume.

Anyway, you're completely spot on about Red Storm's character. I wanted this to be a full blown, in-your-face, violent, brutal adult Western on the surface BUT with a character study serving as an undercurrent. Unfortunately, a lot of aspects to the character seem to have stayed in my head. I suppose I was never able to fully articulate them or put them on paper. I've cut down the alcoholism angle considerably. In the earlier drafts (including this one), I think it makes sense that his character would use alcohol the way he does but in the end, I felt it was mostly in bad taste. I've tried to make him a little more vocal and indeed he is at this point but I never wanted him to be a character with much interest in conversation. Instead, I've opted to have other characters bring out and reveal information about him.

In particular, there's a lot more going on in the scenes involving the Indian family. The exchanges between Red Storm and Grey Elk as well as Red Storm and the family's would-be killers feel a lot stronger at this point even though they're still somewhat low key. I'm still quite adamant about keeping the ending though. There's still a lot of reasons I think it works. It's the rest of the script I feel needs changing at this point. The rest of the script needs to put the ending in perspective.

Anyway, I think Red Storm's character is considerably more developed at this point. I think initially, I wasn't quite sure what he was about but now I think I have a much stronger idea. It's still not quite perfect though. I'll post a new draft when I think I've successfully bypassed the issues of the first few drafts. Or at least when I'm on my way.

Thanks for the read, man.


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Ryan1
Posted: July 26th, 2010, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Look forward to the new draft.  One thing I forgot to mention, and you probably dealt with this in your rewrites:  the Barber isn't even mentioned until page 23.  For your main bad guy, he's got to get in the game sooner than that.  I thought that the break between the last image of young Red Storm watching Willie get dragged to his death and the first shot of the adult Red Storm was a perfect place to intro the Barber.  Just a quick glimpse of him doing his nasty business.  
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stevie
Posted: November 27th, 2010, 4:31am Report to Moderator
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Hi James. Finished this tonight after work as promised.

I thought it was a decent script. The western is probably the most cliched of all genres, when you think about it - you got guns, horses, the western lanscape, whores, etc.

I like how you gave it a different kick with the Barber/Ripper character. He was actually the most intersting - and perhaps the most 'likeable' one in it. most othe other cast were lowlife scum. Ok, i ain't defending his seriail killer bent, but he just seemed to have more pizzazz!!! lol...

I mentioned on Skype i didn't a) realise immediatelt that RS was the kid grown up and b) that he as an Indian pers e. The name 'Red' conjures up images of some poor white trash farmer, or of the fire fighter Red Adair (not that he was poor white trash...)
But I was tired when I started reading and must've skipped a bit!

Your action scenes were good, as mentioned by others, though, went on a tad too long on some cases,

Overall though, a neat script. There were still a few grammatical erors, words missing and that. But if you do another re-write they'll be spotted.  

Cheers stevie


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James McClung
Posted: November 27th, 2010, 7:01am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Stevie!

Yeah, I definitely tried to write a different kind of Western film. I wanted to forget the fun adventure format that so many adopt and write something really brutal and adult. And with the draft you read, I think finally some of the more thematic elements have started to surface. I intended this to be more than just a bloody, shoot-em-up from the beginning but somehow, it just ended up a really goofy cartoonish Western with really extreme violence. Now I think you can start to see it's a little more than that although maybe it'd have to be an actual movie to fully realize that. It still needs work in any case.

That said, there's very few likable characters, indeed. There is one particular scene I dedicated to Red Storm being the hero and he has his moments throughout but he's a very harsh character in a rather mean script. This is more or less intentional although in the initial drafts, I don't think RS had any redeemable qualities, whatsoever. Just a completely different character.

The action... *sigh*

Yeah, it runs a little. But I've decided to stop caring. I've worked really hard on cutting it down and believe me, I cut it down a lot. I may cut it down some more when I read through it again but I'm not going to make it a priority. I feel like either it won't do any good and people will still complain or it'll do too much and take away from what's actually good in it. And there is good in it. I think the action would play out great onscreen, especially the last scene. A real brutal, drag out brawl, that one.

In any case, it's at the end of the script. If anyone's made it this far, I doubt they're going to stop with 5-10 pages left.

Anyway, I've submitted the new draft. I think it's about time. I never thought I'd be able to get it right but I think I've finally got some close to what I intended it to be.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 15th, 2010, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Greetings James!

Thanks for letting me know about your new draft of Red Storm.
Congrats on reworking your material, its no easy feat for sure!

This is my first time reading this script.
Overall, I think you've got some very strong images and ideas at work.
The devil is in the details, and its true here as well. They are very effective.
Your color palette, tone, disfigured and dismembered characters everywhere.
Broken, downtrodden, despair, twisted, it's all here in effective detail.

However, what I don't have is a protag struggling for redemption to drive it.
Red Storm, the man, feels to me to be some busted up angry bitter figure.
It's hard for me to really get invested in him at all. He's cool, but I don't feel for him.
He has his moral code and he's fine with that, he's not wrestling any past demons.
Which is surprising to me considering the dire circumstances of his young life.
He's not out for revenge, redemption, saving another to help save himself, etc.
Red Storm seems to be just about the job, which is okay in a straight up action fest.
But your script doesn't play out like a straight to DVD punch fest.
And I think it will all come off even better when you figure this guy out.
What drives Red Storm? Does he care about anything? Anyone? Gimme something.

That being said, I do believe there's a lot of good stuff here, but it needs a core.
There's no real humor, love, redemption, suspense or mystery going on.
I really thought you were injecting a mystery about the Barber's identity.
I was pretty let down there, you set it up, but you didn't pay it off at all.
You completely took me off on p. 78 when the Barber is caught.
You set up a kinda face off with Barber, Lebeaux and Red Storm, or so I thought.
That sequence didn't really catch fire, no sparks between that triangle.
A lost soul, a twisted religious killer and a politician type. Big potential for conflict.

As mush I as I enjoyed the read, I pretty much tuned out after p. 94.
Your action description is chunky at times, but overall good visuals.
All the major villains are vanquished, it's a crony gun fest.
No character investment at that point for me, so I pretty much skimmed that part.
I don't intend any disrespect, its just all the interesting antags were goners already.
So, my attention wandered pretty quickly from that point on.

Here are some page specific notes:

p. 6 You have some super short scenes, feel like in camera edits. Hard to read.
       Going back forth between a ranch and a farmhouse I think. Kills pacing.
p. 19 Not pat down from Labeaux when Red Storm enters? Odd.
p. 20 I really like the ear in the jar, nice detail.
p. 31 Don't get how Thompson got Red Storm out of Marigold. Two towns needed?
p. 35 I don't get why Red Storm offered to take out The Barber? Justice?
p. 40 We already know Red Storm is coming, no chance for tension here.
         Scene might play out better if his appearance is not telegraphed.
p. 43 Really nice Barber reveal with the scalp. I'm excited about his origins.
p. 53 Villains talk and scheme a lot, it slows down your story. Alistair feels odd.
        It feels like we've got one thug too many, kinda interchangeable.
p. 60 Why does Bower get stabbed if Alistair wants him to get the job done?
         Hard to complete task as a cripple. Unless that's what he wanted?
p. 63 If Barber is so notorious? Why do whores keep falling victim to him?
        It's minor, but it bugs me how dumb whores are in the script.
p. 66 A tie on mustache? That's gonna be a hard practical effect on set. Weird.
p. 68 How did the Pastor get in the street? Hard to follow the action here.
p. 76 Fourth time someone "arrives at bottom of stairs", you can lose that.
p. 78 Wow. I was really surprised the barber got caught. Big showdown later?
p. 85 Story feels strange, with Barber caught its kinda stagnating some.
p. 90 Rip an Achilles tendon with his bare hand?!? That's super strength. Whoa.
p. 94 An "unseen force" trips him? For a sec there, it sounded like a horror flick.
p. 97 I skimmed the crony shootout. I don't care about cronies. Sorry.

I think if Red Storm wants something more out of his existence, that would help.
The action and detail are effective, but I want to care more about your protag.
Good job, this is loaded with potential. I hope you stick with it.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.



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Heretic
Posted: December 18th, 2010, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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I'll pretend that I wasn't supposed to read this half a year ago.  No I won't.  I'm a jerk.  Sorry James!

As I go:

Page 12:  Missing the word “hold” in the Lowlife’s second line.
I wouldn’t mind seeing the Lowlife pour the racism on a bit thicker before Red Storm really reacts; I would think Red Storm would be so used to racism that it would take a bit more to get him going.  Or maybe we’re learning that he’s quick to anger here…

I like the tone of this script a lot but there sure is a lot of talking and back story in this first act…

Page 48:  I’m starting to have trouble with the fact that we don’t really know what Red Storm is trying to achieve.  I’m not sure I entirely understand what his relationship is to the Barber at this point; is he just after him for the money, or would he try to stop him anyway?

Page 65:  I feel like the Barber’s Bible would be very personal to him, that he wouldn’t rip a page out of it just for the Pastor.  Maybe he should grab a bible from one of the pews instead?

Page 74:  He tosses his revolver after him?  That’s pretty bad form, even for an insane dude…

Page 78:  Just reading the second meeting between Red Storm and the Barber here, I really feel like the first one needs to be amped up a bit.  Would have liked to see a lot more of a chase, or some kind of action sequence, before the Barber got away the first time.  That’d heighten the stakes a bit here, I think.  Still having trouble with the stakes.  I’m not entirely sure I know what Red Storm’s position on everything is, and it’d be nice to know that before his showdown with one of the main antagonists.

Thoughts:

The town of Marigold

I stopped commenting on typos immediately because there are a lot of them.  And missing words.  Not hugely bothersome, but you'd definitely wanna do a solid once-over before you send it anywhere important!

I think Electric Dreamer is right on the money here.  How exactly is Red Storm actively seeking redemption?  I appreciate the end of the story and his realization, but I don't really feel like we saw him moving closer to or further from that destination.  I think we need to get inside Red's head a little bit more.  You know what I think is missing?  A character for him to play off.  You don't give him anyone to talk to and I think that that's a serious problem.  Conflict-ridden as their relationship is, The Man With No Name spent a lot of time talking to Tuco.  It's not even that I find Red Storm unlikeable -- I'm all for an antihero -- I just had trouble, as above, figuring out why he was doing things, and that makes it difficult to become immersed in a film.

Overall, I really liked the story.  It moves quick, it's just complicated and just simple enough, it's deliciously violent, and everyone gets what they deserve.  Skimmed the crony shootout because there was too much black but like the idea and the placement; contrary to what ED says above I think this sequence supports the film thematically to a great extent, showing the violence continuing despite Lebeaux being dead.

I wonder if the supporting cast couldn't use a bit more insight overall.  I think Bower is an excellent opportunity for this script, but I wonder if there's some way we can see his personality outside a violent situation for once, and get a glimpse at how his weasely personality manifests itself outside that narrow view of him?  Lebeaux and Thomson I kind of felt the same way.  I wonder if their dialogue with Red couldn't reveal a bit more about their characters.  I think that just as important as us eventually learning why Red became a bounty hunter and doesn't want to be one is learning why Lebeaux, Thomson, and Bower became the way they are and are willing to stay that way, or unable to change.  This in itself may help us to understand Red all the more.

Overall, very enjoyable.  I think you can take it further though.  Put Red's soul in even more jeopardy, make him face an even tougher choice.  We know he'd kill all these men to get money to get out of the life; would he shoot through Delilah to wound the barber?  How would he react faced with conflict with someone entirely innocent?  A young, scared, baby-faced deputy gets between him and the money, how does he react?

I'd really love to see you let the man have a relationship with someone -- not necessarily a big one, not necessarily a love interest; just, something.  Not just as a device to let us get inside his head, but also so we can feel just a little warm and fuzzy here and there -- that'll go a long way for an audience.  I thought whatshername the blonde prostitute who gets her revenge on the barber might have been a prime choice; would he condone her vengeance?  Tell her not to take it?

I think the supporting cast can be pushed a bit further.  What are their lives like outside this plot?  Can we see a little bit of that?  Is there a sliver of humanity in Lebeaux?  A sliver of honour in Bower?  I'm not saying that everything should turn out to be positive and/or uplifting, but little bits of that can make the bleak stuff all the more impactful.

As usual, your script was a delight to read, James, and original.  Thanks for it and I hope any of the above helps.


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James McClung
Posted: December 19th, 2010, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Wow! A lot to respond to.

I suppose I'll just say I see where you guys are coming from in terms of the character. He's been really difficult to develop as he's supposed to be a really reserved and misanthropic person and traditional exposition wouldn't be of service to that. You also never really figure him out until the end, which I think might be a mistake.

I actually spent a lot of time developing the character when I was outlining the script. The problem is that not much of it made it onto the page.

I agree that having a character to talk with would help, for sure. I think I'm going to make that character the Barber so as to kill two birds with one stone. I also think there's similarities between the two characters that haven't been exploited at all.

So yeah. I'm on it.

In response to a few details.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
p. 53 Villains talk and scheme a lot, it slows down your story. Alistair feels odd. It feels like we've got one thug too many, kinda interchangeable.


Alistair was originally a handful of different cronies. I combined them into one just to keep things organized. Better than having to introduce a new character each time.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
p. 63 If Barber is so notorious? Why do whores keep falling victim to him? It's minor, but it bugs me how dumb whores are in the script.


I'll look into this.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
p. 90 Rip an Achilles tendon with his bare hand?!? That's super strength. Whoa.


This was inspired by a P.E. teacher I had in middle school who allegedly did exactly this to an enemy soldier in Vietnam. I'm not sure if it's true or not but it's cool just the same. In any case, it was inspired by reality, in one form or another.


Quoted from Heretic
I'll pretend that I wasn't supposed to read this half a year ago.  No I won't.  I'm a jerk.  Sorry James!


No worries, man. The last draft was junk. I would've preferred you read this one.


Quoted from Heretic
The town of Marigold

I stopped commenting on typos immediately because there are a lot of them.  And missing words.  Not hugely bothersome, but you'd definitely wanna do a solid once-over before you send it anywhere important!


The Marigold reference wasn't a conscious one but I definitely thought about your script afterward. Just thought it was a cool idea to have such an idyllic sounding name for such a bad town.

As for the typos, I definitely should've done another once-over before submitting. I honestly didn't expect there to be so many though as almost all of them would've come from the revisions. I've fixed a lot of them along the way. I guess I was getting tired of rewriting so I figured the next time I go at it, I should have some fresh comments.


Quoted from Heretic
I'd really love to see you let the man have a relationship with someone -- not necessarily a big one, not necessarily a love interest; just, something.  Not just as a device to let us get inside his head, but also so we can feel just a little warm and fuzzy here and there -- that'll go a long way for an audience.  I thought whatshername the blonde prostitute who gets her revenge on the barber might have been a prime choice; would he condone her vengeance?  Tell her not to take it?

I think the supporting cast can be pushed a bit further.  What are their lives like outside this plot?  Can we see a little bit of that?  Is there a sliver of humanity in Lebeaux?  A sliver of honour in Bower?  I'm not saying that everything should turn out to be positive and/or uplifting, but little bits of that can make the bleak stuff all the more impactful.


I'll make a point of adding a little something extra to Red Storm's sit down with Loretta, although I think he would most definitely condone the vengeance. I'll also think about expanding the characters.

I'd like to be careful about adding more positive elements to the story though, especially in regards to the characters. I really set out to write a story about bad people and the most negative aspects of society. Besides, I think there are more uplifting moments in the script already. In the scene with the Indian family, Red Storm is a full blown hero. He also makes a connection with Grey Elk, albeit a brief one. And I think Lebeaux is very kind to his girls. I mean, Loretta is horribly maimed and would have a hard time getting customers. But Lebeaux doesn't kick her to the curb.

I think these moments stand out just as much as the nastier ones do.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
James McClung  -  December 19th, 2010, 5:29pm
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Heretic
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That's a good point that Lebeaux is kind to his girls!  I really like that.  I didn't actually pick up on that, or think about that, while I read the script, though.  That's awesome so you should make sure that people understand that...maybe I'm just thick!


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The boy who could fly
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Hey James, nice to see you branch out into other genres, no one really does westerns anymore which is a shame cuz I really like them. This was a pretty cool story, you sure do have a lot packed into 103 pages, maybe a few too many characters, you sure do have a lot to juggle around here, but i think you did a pretty good job for the most part.

I think the character you developed the best was Lebeaux, the one thing is I think he should be older than in his 40's, he read like someone more in their 60's, at least thats how it felt to me.

Red Storm himself seemed pretty much like the man with no name, which isn't bad, just nothing really new, except for the last scene, which worked.

Bringing the serial killer into a western was something that is new to the genre, and i loved his name and what he did, the scalping was pretty brutal.

page 12

LOWLIFE
That’s no injuns. Everyone knows you
can’t your liquor worth a shit.

I think you're missing a word. same with page 53

ALISTAIR
You want us him back dead or alive?

But that's something I've done as well  

In the end I liked that you brought some new blood into a mostly, and sadly, dead genre. I do believe that you do juggle a few too many characters, but you do have all the elements to good old fashioned kick-ass western, in fact I think this may be one of my favourites of yours. I hope you don't lrt this one collect dust.  good job.


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James McClung
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Hey dude. Nice of you to pop in and dig up this smelly old thing.

I tend to write with an intentionally small number of characters so I can spend a little extra time developing them and keep things intimate. Being a Western, I upped the scale a little bit but I still need some practice in managing a fuller cast of characters. I think Red Storm's character suffered as a result of spreading myself so thin.

That said, this is still only the second to last draft. The last draft, I managed to cut things down some. In particular, the character of Sheriff Doyle was written out of the script. He didn't serve much purpose other than explaining the Barber's motives (which people already know, pretty much) and acting as a foil for Bower, who's not all that major a character. I think I may have chucked a few other characters but I'm not sure.

I also managed to develop Red Storm and The Barber's characters more. I think they stand out a lot more this time around and while Red Storm is definitely a throwback to The Man With No Name, he's much more of his own character at this point.

I hope this one doesn't collect dust. There was some interest in it a while back and as far as I know, there still might be but only time will tell what comes of it. My bigger fear is that Tarantino will render this one completely outdated by the time his next movie comes out. The scalping is his in the eyes of the public so I look like I ripped him off already and now he's got a Western script with a Southern bad guy... I think I might be in trouble.

Thanks again, dude!


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scriptwriteralpha
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I didn't read the whole thing, but i think this is very well written.  Your characters and story are nicely done.  I like where the story is going.  You did a great job of building up Red Storm's general character backstory from a child to an adult.  Awesome job!

Revision History (1 edits)
scriptwriteralpha  -  July 6th, 2011, 1:04am
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Dustin
Posted: December 9th, 2013, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Hi James.

I'm a huge western fan. The grittier and dirtier the better. From your reads around the site I'm expecting a pleasant ride through this script. I have skimmed other comments, but not taken on board any information aside from the fact that this script is a few years old now and you had some interest in it a while back. Let's hope this bump does something for you.


Code

THOMPSON
Don’t you see? The Barber. He’s the
key to taking down Lebeaux. Once the
money is gone, Lebeaux will have to
take his business elsewhere, so to
speak. If all goes well, his
competition will be forced to do the
same. This isn’t just about Lebeaux
anymore. This could mean the end of
criminals passing through Thompson. I
can’t believe I never saw it before.



I'm guessing the rest of the entire plot rests within this piece of dialogue. In other words, the serial killer kills all the working girls and Lebeaux is left dry.

I don't like the exposition in this dialogue. It's not that you're talking the plot, its just how much is said. It's hammered in too much. There has to be a better way of delivering this information. If not, then it still flies, but only just, IMO.



Code

Red Storm holsters his weapon.

RED STORM
I’m taking you alive.

BARBER
Like hell you are!



You could cut Barber's line here.

Code

RED STORM
You about ready to quit?



In the middle of a dirty, gritty gunfight it comes across as schoolboy-ish.  I think you could cut htis line too and it not hurt your script at all.

Code

The Barber comes up to Bower and slashes his shoulder with
the straight razor.



I've noticed writing like the above quite a lot throughout this script. It could be done more succinctly:

The Barber slashes Bower's shoulder with the razor (we already know what type of razor it is... but I suppose there's no harm in calling it a straight razor either). Takes the sentence from 14 words down to just 8.

I apologise for pointing that out because I imagine you would notice that yourself on subsequent drafts. I've tried to read through without pointing out the odd bad sentence structure or typo. You have quite a few typo's throughout... but I didn't want them to get in the way of reading your story.

Code

INT. LEBEAUX’S OFFICE - DAY
An empty room.
The crony takes a cautious step across the threshold.
CRONY
Where are you?
The crony takes another step and peers around the door.
Lebeaux’s decapitated corpse lies on the floor.
CRONY
Bleedin’ Christ!
The crony stumbles backward over the threshold.
93
A round object flies out from behind the desk. The men fire
at it as it sails through the air toward them. It lands at
the crony’s feet. It’s Lebeaux’s head, shot to shit.
The crony looks up as Red Storm rises from behind the desk
with Lebeaux’s shotgun. He barely takes a breath before Red
Storm fires.
The shotgun blast tears the crony’s jaw and explodes
another’s head directly behind him. Pellets and splattered
gore take down the rest.
INT. LEBEAUX’S OFFICE - DAY
Red Storm tosses the shotgun aside and leaps over the desk.



A scene change but it's the same scene.


I don't like how Lebeaux was taken out before all his cronies. His men go down first, the boss gets it last... those are the rules. After the boss had gone down, I kinda skipped the killing of the cronies.

Over all I enjoyed this script. Moments of brilliance. However, some badly constructed sentences in places too. Alongside quite a few typo's. Characters all well defined. I think the script is missing a scene though with Bower the vultures and the knife though. I'd have liked to see him stab himself to death or something rather than face being eaten by the vultures.

Really good script though, told visually and I could easily see this one being made. Cheap enough for a western. Oh yeah, I loved the white chapel reference, ala JTR, of course.

Good luck with it.


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James McClung
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Hey Dustin. Thanks for checking this out.

All of your comments are spot on, especially in regards to sentence structure and exposition. This is actually the first script where someone really pulled me aside and explained to me that my writing wasn't the best when it came to descriptions. I've since developed a much tighter writing style, technically speaking. I've also tried to cut down on my exposition and reveal plot/character info through more natural methods. I'd like to think this script, in a sense, is the last in a specific phase of my writing development over the years.

A lots been said about Lebeaux getting dispatched before his gang. That's been plenty drilled into me at this point. Indeed, the scene with Bower and the vultures has been removed. I really liked that scene but ended up cutting it to accommodate a smaller budget, I believe. There was some interest in the script a while back and I made a few other changes of this nature then as well.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the script. I myself have sort of mixed feelings about it. I've put a lot of work into it over the years but have since moved onto other projects. It's had a good run for the time being. I expect at some point, I may come back to it though. I wrote it in 2009, which is when I think I really began to hit my stride with screenwriting and evolve and given the interest in it, I think there's still something to it that people seem to respond to.

I see you've got a couple features posted here yourself. Let me know if there's a particular one you'd like read and I'll check it out (I see Donny and Floyd is your most recent).


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Dustin
Posted: December 10th, 2013, 3:02am Report to Moderator
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Yeah I hear what you're saying on the vultures and cutting costs... however it wouldn't cost much more as there is already a Vulture scene and some special effects needed with the ripping of the eye. That's the cost. The vultures looking threatening and he stabbing himself to death, or whatever he does, would come in a lot cheaper and could even be used from the off cuts of the first scene. Also you set it up, leaving the viewer to imagine that would be a cop out and a huge let down. They should be cut altogether or there really isn't much harm or cost in a second scene We've already seen what the vultures can do, so there wouldn't be any need to go there again. They simply landing and looking menacing would be enough.

It's always a bit of a cringe getting criticism on stuff you could easily change yourself if you had the inclination. So I'm sorry for playing a part in that. I looked at your page, and Western is in my top two genres, alongside thriller, so I chose the western. No other genre demands utter ruthlessness like a western, IMO. I'll read through some of your other stuff too as I see you are quite prolific.

If you could read Donny and Floyd that would be great. She's my latest script and a super fast read. I think maybe too fast.


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James McClung
Posted: December 10th, 2013, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Yeah I hear what you're saying on the vultures and cutting costs... however it wouldn't cost much more as there is already a Vulture scene and some special effects needed with the ripping of the eye. That's the cost. The vultures looking threatening and he stabbing himself to death, or whatever he does, would come in a lot cheaper and could even be used from the off cuts of the first scene. Also you set it up, leaving the viewer to imagine that would be a cop out and a huge let down. They should be cut altogether or there really isn't much harm or cost in a second scene We've already seen what the vultures can do, so there wouldn't be any need to go there again. They simply landing and looking menacing would be enough.


Seems I misunderstood you on the vulture scene. The most current version of the script (not posted here) includes no vultures whatsoever. I didn't realize that version of the script isn't posted until I checked just now and that the vulture scene remains intact here. I guess I assumed you'd skimmed through the other comments and seen a vulture scene referred to.

Anyway, to clarify on your original comment, there is in fact no scene that follows after Alistair throws Bower the knife. But the implication is that Bower used it to kill himself.


Quoted from Dustin
It's always a bit of a cringe getting criticism on stuff you could easily change yourself if you had the inclination. So I'm sorry for playing a part in that. I looked at your page, and Western is in my top two genres, alongside thriller, so I chose the western. No other genre demands utter ruthlessness like a western, IMO. I'll read through some of your other stuff too as I see you are quite prolific.


No worries, man. And agreed on Westerns. My intention for Red Storm was to write something dark and brutal, not a fun adventure.

Feel free to check out some of the other scripts if you like though I'd suggest work post-Red Storm.


Quoted from Dustin
If you could read Donny and Floyd that would be great. She's my latest script and a super fast read. I think maybe too fast.


Will do. 17 pages in at the moment.


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