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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  No Beans in the Wheel Moderators: bert
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  Author    No Beans in the Wheel  (currently 11028 views)
CameronD
Posted: April 27th, 2017, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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Been busy and haven't updated in awhile but I got the last piece of concept art for the script and next month we are going to start illustrating the first panels of the graphic novel. Been a long haul but excited to see where this project can go.



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CameronD
Posted: October 30th, 2017, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Just another little update on the script's progress. Slow and steady wins the race right?

Changed artists and we finally got the first page of the 1st issues of the graphic novel finished over the weekend. Once again, our goal is to illustrate the first 8 -10 pages then try to shop it around to some publishers and see if we can't get the book picked up.



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pale yellow
Posted: October 30th, 2017, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Very cool. I love seeing writers use unique ways to market their scripts. Pia and I just filmed a short that is more like a teaser that we are going to shop around. I think what you are doing is AWESOME. Did you have to pay the artist (hope you don't mind me asking)??


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CameronD
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Pale!

A teaser is a good idea and I'd love to see it when done. Whatever you can do to bring attention to your project is worth it in a marketing sense.

The artist I found was on Deviant Art and after some negotiating we agreed to a price of about 100.00 per page. It's a lot considering we want 8-10 pages but it's something I can afford if it's one a month. After all, it's an investment. Right?????


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Dustin
Posted: October 31st, 2017, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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They're called 'proof of concept' shorts, I believe.

Good luck, Cameron.


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CameronD
Posted: November 20th, 2017, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Page 2! Coming along slow but nicely! Looking into getting text balloons added soon which will help the panels make more sense of course. Enjoy!



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CameronD
Posted: May 2nd, 2018, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, here it is, the first 8 pages of the the script fully drawn, inked, colored, and illustrated as comic book pages. Phew! What did I learn about making a comic book during this process it's expensive! lol Which is why it took so long to knock this out as I until recently, I had to do everything one page at a time.

However, I'm pretty happy with how it all turned out. There was a lot of back and forth working with people remotely on how things should be done, communicating changes and edits, and working with a team of what ended up as 5 people to create what you see below. As a result a few panels had to be reworked to get the colors just right but I think we nailed it for the most part. I've always been weary of dark, dreary, and gritty art direction as it ends up looking cliche and easily forgettable so we tried to bring a little color to the work, since this is a comic and all.  

I can't remember if I posted it before, but here is the comic script for these 8 pages.  Turning the script into a comic wasn't difficult, but did require me to think a lot more about direction than I ever did before. We tried to approach the comic as a very thorough storyboard that could be used to help shoot the movie if we ever wanted to. I hope it flows easily and the action is easy to follow. https://bit.ly/2DE7MaN

Now that the pages are done, illustrated, inked, colored ,lettered, the plan is to query comic book publishers and see if there is any interest in picking the project up. And for that we will have to wait, see, and hope.

I think for the most part it turned out really well and it was all a huge learning experience to be sure. Enjoy!

Pg1

Pg2

Pg3

Pg4

Pg5

Pg6

Pg7

Pg8


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jayrex
Posted: May 2nd, 2018, 4:03pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Pretty damn cool!  Great job!

I once tried to convert a script into a comic, was very expensive.  Never managed to complete it.

If this was mine, I'd be elated.


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Warren
Posted: May 4th, 2018, 12:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Cameron,

Notes as I read and POSSIBLE SPOILERS!!

You constantly try to start action blocks from a different perspective which is generally a good thing. It aids in not making the script read like a list:

Cade does this, Cade does that, he does this, he does that, for example.

Problem is that I think it is affecting the script and how it flows. It's reading quite awkwardly. I'll give some examples:


Quoted Text
With disgust, Cooper throws his hand away



Quoted Text
By the neck, Amigo forces Beckyís head down to the table.



Quoted Text
In the doorway, all in black



Quoted Text
On a porch bench, Cooper elbows ABRAHAM


Itís like you set it up then it goes into whatís going on, instead of just telling us whatís going on. That makes sense in my head. Hopefully you get what I mean.

I wonít mention it again, but for me personally it slows the read and can tend to make it a little awkward. I do think you need to change up the perspective but it canít be forced. The storyís flow should come first IMO.


Quoted Text
A grotesque, cobweb covered statue covered sits on a shelf.


This confused me, is there one too many "covered"?


Quoted Text
With his gun drawn, but shaky James steps over the guard and
enters.


I know you want this to read that the gun is shaky but it reads as if James is shaky.

You have a tendency to start a lot of sentences with "as", Iíve noticed it and by page 8 itís getting repetitive, also "as" indicates that something is happening at the same time as another, that isnít always the case.


Quoted Text
breaks Cooperís little finger off with a SNAP.


Not really sure this is possible.

Said I wouldnít mention it again, but I will only because of how big an issue it is becoming for me. More examples all within about a page:


Quoted Text
Dumbfounded, everyone stops



Quoted Text
In a blur, Cade throws



Quoted Text
Desperate, Cade blinds



Quoted Text
Amazed, Abraham and


Iím not saying donít do this, I just saying tone it down a bit. Again though this is a personal thing, if many people have read the script and not mentioned it, it may not be an issue to the bulk of readers.


Quoted Text
In a blur, Cade throws the canteen at Gustavus, caught by
surprise, and tackles him to the ground.


This reads really awkwardly.

I didn't really enjoy the dialogue early on, but by page 11 itís starting to settle in nicely.

Berserk story is all falling into place:

Cade - Guts
Gustavus - Griffith
Casca - Cassandra

Band of Hawks - Hachs' Bandits

The quality of the dialogue is inconsistent, which is a shame because there are some instances where itís really solid and then the quality drops.

Great dialogue -  when Cade is captured and the interactions when we are first in the camp of the bandits.

Not so great dialogue - the first few scenes and the second bank robbery.


Quoted Text
CADE
Heís dying! Hold on now. Youíll be
alright.


This made me laugh; you might want to rethink it. He yells out "He's dying!" then tells the guard "You'll be alright". At this point, if I was the guard, I wouldnít be thinking things are going alright.


Quoted Text
wonít even let me bury me
properly.


bury him properly.

By page 33 I'm struggling to get a grip on how I'm meant to feel about Dean. Having a similar problem with Cade, but itís not as bad.

Bottom of page 34 I think you missed a (V.O.) for Abraham.

Really like the action written on pages 33 and 34.


Quoted Text
COOPER
Those are strong legs you have
there, darling. You like to ride?
CASSANDRA
(to saloon girl)
Excuse the village idiot, honey.
COOPER
You donít get thighs like that
serving drinks!
CADE
Thatís a fact.
CASSANDRA
And how would you know?
CADE
Where do you think she got them?


Example of great dialogue IMO.

Action and dialogue overall is hitting a really nice stride at this point.

I just made the above comment and then I hit this little gem of dialogue and action:


Quoted Text
CADE
To biting off more than you can
chew.
The drunk cowboy takes the hint and sulks away.
CADE
Gustavus says you owe him a beer.
CASSANDRA
Tell him, I say he can shove that
beer up his Swedish ass.
At the table, William chugs as Cooper eggs him on.
CADE
Hey, letís start over. You seem to
have confused me for your personal
punching bag, and Iím here to tell
you Iím not --
Cassandra slaps Cade hard across the face.
CASSANDRA
Oh really?
She slaps him again, harder. The entire bar stops to watch.
CASSANDRA
Shame. You make such a good one.
She swallows the last shot in Cadeís face then leaves.


I wasnít going to mention it earlier as I thought it was just missed, but itís happened a few times now:


Quoted Text
BANK MANAGER
Excuse me, you look lost sir.


Need a comma when addressing people directly in dialogue. you look lost, sir.

No, definitely just forgot a few because 2 dialogue blocks later you do it.


Quoted Text
The manager gulps.


Too comedic for the overall tone.


Quoted Text
Cassandra hands the
flask to Gustavus, kisses her hand and pats it on his head.


Iíve read this a few times and have no idea what Iím meant to be seeing.

Some more great dialogue between Cade and Cassandra on the train.


Quoted Text
INT. TRAIN - PASSENGER CAR - CONTINUOUS
William notices Abraham outside the chesty womanís window.
INT. TRAIN - LUGGAGE CAR - CONTINUOUS
Cassandra holds her clenched hand high.
CASSANDRA
Get ready!
INT. TRAIN - PASSENGER CAR - CONTINUOUS
Harold pulls a derringer out from his boot.
INT. TRAIN - LUGGAGE CAR - CONTINUOUS
Cassandraís hand drops.
CASSANDRA
Now!
INT. TRAIN - PASSENGER CAR - CONTINUOUS
Harold rushes William. Knocks him down.
INT. TRAIN - LUGGAGE CAR - CONTINUOUS


Just a suggestion but would look a lot cleaner if these super quick scene changes were written as mini slugs or potentially even an intercut.

The exchange between Harold, Cade, William, and the chesty woman all comes off a bit cheesy and not in line with the tone of the rest of the story.


Quoted Text
Bashes his head repeatedly with a rock, berserk.





Quoted Text
Dios mio!


Every time she yells this it takes me out of the read, most times it just comes off comedic to me.


Quoted Text
Williamís hung body sways in the breeze.


Iím not confused about Dean anymore.

Should really have spent more time on Williamsís death, feels like a wasted opportunity for some good drama.

I think youíve done a pretty good job building the relationship better Cade and Cassandra; this is maybe a step to far, a little cringworthy:


Quoted Text
Huddled under a blanket, Cade and Cassandra watch the sun
paint the sky in beautiful red hues as it sets.


Iím at page 77, the change in Gustavus has started to really show.

Have to call it there for the moment, life takes over unfortunately. Could easily finish this in one sitting if I had the time.

Yes there have been a lot of comments, not all positive but I can say that I am thoroughly enjoying the story, and I never say that about westerns. Yes, itís obviously because of where the story stems from but still. Iím looking forward to finishing this and Iím really excited to see how you handle the Eclipse.


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Warren
Posted: May 4th, 2018, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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Back to finish this off.


Quoted Text
The

huge  man  sits  up,  with  bag  in  hand  and  grins.  Rubs  a  lump  on

his  head.  The  police  swipe  it  away.



A little cheesy.

The string of bank robberies and wanted posters doesn't make for the most exciting read.


Quoted Text
The  associate  gulps  nervously.


Another gulp, does anyone do this in real life? I know it's in comedy and cartoons, but I cant ever remember gulping at a situation in my lifetime. Maybe I've just never been in a situation that warrants a gulp.

The dialogue from when Cade rejoins Cassandra to when they get it on really needs a lot of work, its some of the worse so far. On the nose and just some really cringeworthy lines.


Quoted Text
Cassandra  mounts  her  horse.  Races  towards  Gustavus.  Blocking

the  sun  with  his  hand,  Gustavus  stares  at  Cade  on  the  hill.

EXT.  RANCH  ROAD  -  SUNSET

Badly  beaten,  Gustavus  rides  with  the  gang  towards  an

abandoned  ranch  in  the  distance.  Cade  scans  the  horizons.



I'm a little confused by this? Did Gustavus escape? Pretend to escape? Did we miss a whole lot of scenes of the gang rescuing him? Might be explained later but it's a really big jump and quite jarring to the story.


Quoted Text
CADE

You  know,  this  isnít  normally  how  I

like  to  roll  around  in  the  hay.



What is happing to the dialogue? Some of the cheesy lines and cheesy actions are making me wonder about the tone you are actually going for.


Quoted Text
CASSANDRA

Iíd  rather  be  up  in  the  loft.



And again, outnumbered and facing certain death, but there's still time for wise cracks.

So this must be your Eclipses (the barn shootout). I wanted so much more. Abraham's death is too simply handled, Dean's demise as well. I wanted something so much more grand. I even felt a little let down over Cade and Cassandra's treatment. I wanted Cade to suffer more and I wanted Cassandra to really be traumatised. I guess this is the issue with me constantly comparing it to the source material

Didn't really enjoy much of the interaction between Cade and Galen. I also don't think their relationship is developed enough to give his death any real impact.

So I realise Cade and Cooper's relationship has never been the greatest, but I don't know why it got to this point.

And I'm done.

The story really lost something after the band split up. It almost feels like you lost a bit of steam and struggled to bring it all home.

Like I said, I thoroughly enjoyed a lot of this but felt let down by the ending.





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CameronD
Posted: May 5th, 2018, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much Warren for the read. I haven't had too many fans of the anime read this all the way through so I do value your input.

The constant issue I had when writing was like any homage I'm sure, is how much do you want to pay tribute to what came before and how much do you want to put your own spin on it or just stray away and do something completely different. I did my best with NBITW to follow some of the bigger story beats from Berserk but make them work with the story I was trying to tell. And of course taking place in a more grounded western setting forced a lot of different approaches. I hope there is enough here for fans to enjoy but that the story can stand on it's own too.

Obviously the 3 mains are similar to those found in Berserk. Dean was kinda a fill in for Zodd in he was a supposed to be a secondary antagonist early on but became a much bigger part of the story and what helped rive the action along. I liked to see your comment early on that you weren't sure about Dean as I deliberately tried to make him the hero in his own story. But as you saw, his thirst for revenge pushes him to a dark irredeemable place. Speaking of revenge, that was a little theme I tried to put in as every character is seeking revenge on somebody else for some wrong doing done to them.

I was also afraid you might be let down by the barn scene since I could tell from comments you were hyped for a westernized eclipse as it's smaller in scale. Again, I'll take that beat of horrific betrayal but make it mine with something more intimate. You may be right that some of the quips may be out of place there. I thought it came off pretty well though.

I've had a few readers get confused by Gustavus's sudden release/appearance as I did write it out bluntly on purpose. It doesn't make sense. What just happened? I hope it's clear by the barn he made a deal with Dean to be released in exchange for Cade, which is all Dean cares about and Gustavus knows it.

I'm also glad to see you picked up some other homages. Haches Bandits instead of the Band of the Hawk. The copper pendant is a stand in for the beherit. It's also kinda "cursed" in the script as whoever wears it befalls misfortune at some point. Galen is kinda like the blacksmith too. Cooper is kinda a bigger asshole version of Corkus and Will is kinda a Ricket in a pinch. Abraham is who he is though. And of course Gustavus has his rise and fall, and it's implied some not very nice things happened to Cassandra after the fallout of the barnyard ambush.

The big bad banker has no analog to the anime. I felt I needed to give Gustavus somebody specific to seek revenge on himself so he wasn't just robbing random banks for no reason. You didn't mention him so I don't know if that's bad or good lol. If there is a sequel (yes i have plans for Two Beans in the Wheel) there's a good chance we may see more of him, but for a now he's a stand in for what Gustavus wanted to be and an added antagonistic force to hunt down our heroes.

Although I've been working on the graphic novel adaptation for over a year now, I haven't touched this script in years. I've grown a lot as a writer since then I think and some of your comments make me want to go back and give this another once over. I feel really good to hear you took the time highlight some of the dialogue in scenes and understand other areas may need some work. I might over the summer when I have more free time.

Thanks again so much for the thorough read. I really appreciate it and am glad you enjoyed the story and script!



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Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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I was wondering if there are any legalities the closer you get to the source material, so I figured it was good to not make it a perfect western Berserk.

As far as Gustavus's release, I wasnít really confused, I knew he had struck a deal, I just think the way itís handled is a bit too abrupt.

I definitely donít think itís a lost cause in any way. Tighten up the dialogue and the last few pages and I think youíve got a great piece.

Long sorry short, you got me to read a western by choice which may never happen again.

And for the most part I did quiet enjoyed it.


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