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This is a script I have been working on for a couple years and entered in a few contests. In true beginner's luck fashion, an earlier version placed in the quarter finals of the 2016 Screencraft family friendly competition. But since then, no placements (entered 3 contests since then, with later drafts) even though I believe my later drafts were much better.
Coverages have overall liked it, said the material and lore has real potential but it needed to be tightened up and was dialog heavy. The villain also need to have more of a presence.
This latest rewrite trimmed away five pages (with maybe another to go, still working on it) and I dug deeper to find ways to get things across with less dialog and there were other big changes.
They say page one should by a good teaser to hook you for more, so I posted page one because everybody can read a page one. And if there is interest in reading a more finished work in progress, I will post the whole thing soon.
It's a Science Fiction Fantasy with a fairy tale flavor:
The World That Time Forgot:
Hundreds of light years away, destiny beckons princess like heroes to battle an evil wannabe dictator's plan to enslave refugees from many worlds. And also, obliterate the people of a little known, faraway world that changes everything they thought they knew... A world called Earth.
I agree with everything eldave1 has said above with the exception of his last line. I don't think the rest of the page is solid.
It's not bad - Sci Fi interest certainly peaked
Too many in my face capitals for my liking
Also, this annoyed me - "YES! THIS IS OUR EARTH" - You have already told us they pass familiar planets, and are heading to a blue/green planet with a grey moon - we already know it is Earth, no need to ram it down our throats, and in capitals as well
Also, last scene has us in the sky of an alien planet, then you tell us there is a planet and moon - another planet? are you talking about the planet we are already at? if so, no need to tell us again, it has already been established that we are there.
If things like this are littered throughout the script, it is probably what they mean when they say to tighten it up
There's enough here to like. I'd read on, if it were a later, cleaned-up draft.
I agree on limiting the use of CAPS. Very distracting. You need to trust the reader more.
Remove the page numbers... unless this is a TV script. (Even then, I don't believe you number page one... but, I could be wrong.)
I like the juxtaposition in the monologue. It works. But, agree that it's too long. I'd say only a line or two about the fairy tale - just enough to establish the tone, then the last line.
Count me in on voting for a new title.
And, finally, I don't understand the last line at all... we're in the sky, unless we're not. If we're not, we'll need a new slug. And, if we're in the sky... can we see those adorable blue eyes from afar?
Like I said, though: cleaned up, I'd read on.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
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