SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 17th, 2018, 9:06am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  The World That Time Forgot Page 1 teaser Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The World That Time Forgot Page 1 teaser  (currently 207 views)
Mego73
Posted: August 18th, 2018, 4:13am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hello all,

This is a script I have been working on for a couple years and entered in a few contests. In true beginner's luck fashion, an earlier version placed in the quarter finals of the 2016 Screencraft family friendly competition. But since then, no placements (entered 3 contests since then, with later drafts) even though I believe my later drafts were much better.

Coverages have overall liked it, said the material and lore has real potential but it needed to be tightened up and was dialog heavy. The villain also need to have more of a presence.

This latest rewrite trimmed away five pages (with maybe another to go, still working on it) and I dug deeper to find ways to get things across with less dialog and there were other big changes.

They say page one should by a good teaser to hook you for more, so I posted page one because everybody can read a page one. And if there is interest in reading a more finished work in progress, I will post the whole thing soon.

It's a Science Fiction Fantasy with a fairy tale flavor:

The World That Time Forgot:

Hundreds of light years away, destiny beckons princess like heroes to battle an evil wannabe dictator's plan to enslave refugees from many worlds. And also, obliterate the people of a little known, faraway world that changes everything they thought they knew... A world called Earth.

http://reboxyourmego.com/apage1.jpg

Revision History (1 edits)
Mego73  -  August 18th, 2018, 4:29am
Logged Offline
Private Message
PedroS
Posted: November 6th, 2018, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
50
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Mego73,

first of all congrats to your earlier success.

Always a pleasure to hear when colleagues receive the admiration they truly deserve.

The intro is powerful, but the flow sometimes a little bit too chopped up.

The style reminds me of a mix of different Directors like Quentin.

You set the right frame for a science fiction story, but I think that only one page does not always do the job for this genre.

If one page, then one with a little bit more dialog to get a kind of sense of the environment, the characters and the unique message this story contains.

I like that she began with a lovely but sad speech, so good work on that.

Did you wrote short biographies about your main characters? If not, do so to understand more of what they need to say to reveal glimpses into their soul during every sentence.

Keep it up Mego73.

Cool work!


Cheers,

Pedro S
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
eldave1
Posted: November 7th, 2018, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3806
Posts Per Day
2.43
Just my opinion:                                                                                                              

The title is uninteresting and too close to the Land that Time Forgot.  

The logline is confusing. Had to read it several times to get the gist. Needs to be simpler. e.g.,

In the far reaches of the galaxy, princess warriors battle an evil dictator's plan to enslave the people of earth.

So, I was not hopeful when I opened the script.  

The opening VO is poor IMO. Too clunky - too long and probably not needed.

The rest of the page is real solid and recovered enough to hold my interest.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
Matt
Posted: November 8th, 2018, 4:54am Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
77
Posts Per Day
2.45
I agree with everything eldave1 has said above with the exception of his last line. I don't think the rest of the page is solid.

It's not bad - Sci Fi interest certainly peaked

Too many in my face capitals for my liking

Also, this annoyed me - "YES! THIS IS OUR EARTH" - You have already told us they pass familiar planets, and are heading to a blue/green planet with a grey moon - we already know it is Earth, no need to ram it down our throats, and in capitals as well

Also, last scene has us in the sky of an alien planet, then you tell us there is a planet and moon - another planet? are you talking about the planet we are already at? if so, no need to tell us again, it has already been established that we are there.

If things like this are littered throughout the script, it is probably what they mean when they say to tighten it up

Good luck to you


My works currently on SS

Erotomania - Comedy Short - 21 Pages
Untitled Sci Fi TV Series Prelude Shorts - 6 shorts, 2 pages each
Mr Repent - Fantasy short - 8 pages
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
PKCardinal
Posted: November 9th, 2018, 11:46am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Kansas
Posts
139
Posts Per Day
0.42
There's enough here to like. I'd read on, if it were a later, cleaned-up draft.

I agree on limiting the use of CAPS. Very distracting. You need to trust the reader more.

Remove the page numbers... unless this is a TV script. (Even then, I don't believe you number page one... but, I could be wrong.)

I like the juxtaposition in the monologue. It works. But, agree that it's too long. I'd say only a line or two about the fairy tale - just enough to establish the tone, then the last line.

Count me in on voting for a new title.

And, finally, I don't understand the last line at all... we're in the sky, unless we're not. If we're not, we'll need a new slug. And, if we're in the sky... can we see those adorable blue eyes from afar?

Like I said, though: cleaned up, I'd read on.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
Mego73
Posted: November 10th, 2018, 3:21am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.03
Thanks for all your feedback. Perhaps soon I will post more pages so those interested can have a better idea of how it proceeds.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
eldave1
Posted: November 10th, 2018, 11:22am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
3806
Posts Per Day
2.43
No pr problem - best of luck with this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    My Work In Progress  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006