No, i don't hate your version at all. Actually, it was very insightful on how to minimize a paragraph of wording without taking away from the general concept. I think that is one of the areas i lack in because i try to be as detailed as possible if only for my own mental benefit.
I do understand what you mean about letting the readers eyes be able to glide across the page with ease. It would make the script overall more enticing and easier to read rather than feeling like you are reading a book.
Also, after reading over clark's response, i realized i need to add a different style opening before the desert scene to grab the aidience's attention easier. So, that is also something i am currently working on adding to the script.