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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Cruiseaholics Moderators: bert
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  Author    Cruiseaholics  (currently 480 views)
Andrew
Posted: March 27th, 2019, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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This is an old script. In fact, the first version of it was written years ago.

However, it's a script I never really got finished, and as such, have stripped it back to the very first scene I wrote for it (the premiere), and am now working on contextualising the story by introducing the core characters beyond the premiere scene.

Would be keen to get views on this; everything is helpful.

What do you like about it? What don't you like about it? Can you get an early sense of character, tone and story? Do you have suggestions on how it could be plotted out?

As a quick primer, the story is intended to be about a couple of fantatical fans of Tom Cruise, who essentially live vicariously through Cruise, rather than take risks and live their own life.

They run a cleaning company, and it is this vehicle they plan to use to fund a trip to LA to visit the premiere there, and finally snag that elusive meeting with Cruise. My intention is to develop this as a road trip movie, maybe even something in the vein of Kingpin, sans the blatant slapstick.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AYZ7rkpEj8v0D4DKgocCLoiETEWxS1-i/view


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stevie
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Disappointed,Andrew...

Only two wrylies and no orphans?  And not only is there an OVER BLACK but theres a FADE IN as well? Thats farking brilliant!  Did I mention the unfilmables? Not atall 😂😂

I recall this script! From years back! The title is pretty good and that tweaked the memory.

Ok its fine. Youve established the nerdiness.  I would go overboard with the comedy from here especially if its gonna be a feature.  Good luck bro 👍🏻


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Andrew
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 12:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks stevie, much appreciated and taken on board.

P.S. I am desperately trying to overtake you in Fantasy Football in these coming couple of weeks!


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Max Ruddock
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Andrew,

From what I read I liked it. Would be interesting to see where the story goes. Would be interested to see how whatever themes you want to play with develop too.

Had to read the very last scene twice to make sense of it, so perhaps that could do with being a bit clearer unless it's something that becomes clearer as the story progresses.

From what's there, it's something I can easily picture as a low budget style road movie though.

I'll keep a look out for how it comes along.

Cheers




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stevie
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
Thanks stevie, much appreciated and taken on board.

P.S. I am desperately trying to overtake you in Fantasy Football in these coming couple of weeks!


I will fight like a maniac to prevent that lol mate 👍🏻😂


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Andrew - Hope you are well

I got a good sense of these characters - obsessed to the point it detriments their own lives, but are oblivious to it and so are happy and jovial, they are also deluded - so more on the crazy side of superfan. They reminded me a little bit of Daniel Stern and Dan Aykroyd in Celtic Pride - living through someone else's achievements as if it were their own.

Not a lot I didn't like about it - This is an opening scene to something bigger right? So it sets them up well and their place in the world (as laughing stocks). The last scene was disorientating but it's probably because we can't see the whole picture.

As a newbie to this whole screenwriting movie making world - Is it not a big detriment to write in a specific actor? if he isn't associated with it, doesn't it immediately fall down? just curious.

Anyway - Best of luck with it

Matt


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Max Ruddock
Posted: March 28th, 2019, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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...I forgot to mention, that "Tom are king!" subtitled line had me laughing out loud.
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MarkItZero
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Hey Andrew,

Some funny stuff here. I liked the tattoo thing. In terms of developing this idea I think getting these two buddy characters working is key. Right now, it's hard to see much differentiation as they're both doing various (admittedly funny) Cruise personalities the whole time. There's differences in terms of physical attributes, but hard to get a sense beyond that of who they are.

I guess at the end you have Ollie as the dreamer. So I'd work that in more from the start. He's the guy with hopes, dreams, a plan. Then Alistair is more meek, cautious, a follower. They can be anything really, but I do think you need to define them a little more clearly. Create a contrast between the two friends as we go along.

I would say study up on a bunch of buddy road trip movies. One that might be useful as it has the fandom element is Fanboys. Can't remember if it was actually any good. But it's a group of obsessed fans on a quest to break into George Lucas' ranch.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Andrew
Posted: March 29th, 2019, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the reads. Very much appreciated.

stevie; I'm coming for you this weekend, mate!

Max; glad you liked it. Haha, yeah, the chinese tattoo would be good, because there are so many from a particular era in the late '90s and early '00s when they seemed to be all the rage. Now it's sleeves and more "art"! Agreed on the closing scene. still trying to work through in my head what I'm doing there. Steve is supposed to be Ollie's dad, and there is a lot of pent up aggression on Ollie's side that explains his anger; but not sure yet if that's the way to go. Thanks for the pointers.

Matt; yeah, I want them to be the laughing stock, but ultimately redeemed; Alistair thru getting the girl, and Ollie in finding his emotional emancipation from his father (at least that's the idea to date). Haven't seen Celtic Pride, but will check it out, thanks. Want to flesh this out to a feature, mainly to get something completed. If it were ever to get made (which I wouldn't anticipate!), I would imagine it would need someone playing Cruise, or working around he isn't there, which in itself could be done quite comedically. Thanks for the pointers.

MIZ; agreed on differentiating them, and it's really useful to get that feedback, as I need to think on how to achieve that. I like your framing of how they are; that's a really interesting take. I've never seen Fanboys, but that sounds hilarious, and unfortunately my idea is a carbon copy. I guess the only way to address that is to get a little meta, and placing that movie in this world, with it even being the source idea for their own roadtrip. That hints at another level around the impact of pop culture, which reinforces the hero worship / living vicariously theme. Could create some amusing opportunities. Good food for thought. Thanks for the pointers.

Thanks again, all.


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Max Ruddock
Posted: March 29th, 2019, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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You're welcome Andrew.

Ever heard of a show called Lookalikies? It was broadcast in the UK but I bet you could find it online.

Anyway there was a Tom Cruise impersonator on the show who was great. Whooping and high-fiving all the time. Could they end up meeting him after being duped into buying tickets for an event to meet who they think is the real Cruise, only to find out that even the impersonator, like them, is actually not living the life he was meant to live... even though they probably thought his life would be second only to the real Cruise.


Grass is greener on the other side type thing if that makes sense?
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Andrew
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Quoted from Max Ruddock
You're welcome Andrew.

Ever heard of a show called Lookalikies? It was broadcast in the UK but I bet you could find it online.

Anyway there was a Tom Cruise impersonator on the show who was great. Whooping and high-fiving all the time. Could they end up meeting him after being duped into buying tickets for an event to meet who they think is the real Cruise, only to find out that even the impersonator, like them, is actually not living the life he was meant to live... even though they probably thought his life would be second only to the real Cruise.


Grass is greener on the other side type thing if that makes sense?


Hey Max. That's a great idea re: the impersonator. Some rich potential there.

An idea a friend of mine gave me was that a character from another script I wrote, but am looking to adapt to bring into this world, could have an elusive picture with Cruise, which he nevers stop bragging about. That's his calling card and leverage over the boys.

That idea, and the one you gave here, are both excellent, to my mind. Weaving these subplots into the story give an opoortunity for scenes that could be hilarious.

Really appreciate your thoughts and inputs here.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 31st, 2019, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Andrew

I have vague recollections of reading this when it was a 3 pager or something. Guys go to a film premire to meet Tom Cruise is about all I can recall. I remember thinking at the time that the Cruiser was a rather unfashionable star to pick because his aforementioned star wattage had diminished somewhat (personally, Ive always given him a pass for his performance in Magnolia no matter what he said in his private life) but in 2019, at 56 years old, I would say hes bigger than ever, mainly due to the endurance of the Mission Impossible franchise. So, thats my long way of saying...its the ideal time to resurrect this!

Anyway, enough extratextual preamble...

Good first page, sets up the Ollie character and the relationship dynamic between him and Alistair very quickly and visually.

ALISTAIR early 20s,

- Ha, the age disparity between the two already has me worried. Not in a creeped out way, more like a pitiful, Aww, poor Ollie way.

ALISTAIR
You cant handle the truth!

- Such an iconic line, perhaps too iconic maybe? Too easy? Maybe this is part of the joke. Also, as everyone will know, it was said by Jack Nicholson not Tom Cruise. I assume this is part of the joke as well. Alistair is the dopey, comic relief as suggested in his obvious fall guy description. So that leads me to wonder...is Alistair really not a fan of Tom Cruise after all? Does he not know that this isnt a Cruise line? Does he just pretend to be a fan so Ollie will be his friend? ...reading on...

Ok, I sense there is going to be line after line of Cruise quotes here haha. Some which I will get, a lot I wont. Just on a personal note, are you a big Tom Cruise fan yourself?

Both wear Top Gun pilot suits. Maverick and Iceman name tags.

- Oh Jesus, this can go from funny to very sad very fast. Two grown men dressed like that. It would stand out less in America I would think than London, or maybe Im just being old and stuffy here. Actually, since its a film premiere Im definitely being the latter.

OLLIE
(to everyone)
Thats nothing compared to the one
I have.

- Ah, so theyve already met him?

OLLIE
We know him!

Cruise loud laughs, beams.

ALISTAIR
Old friends!

- They are being surprisingly cocksure and calm for two super fans. Usually hysterics and very un-cool behaviour go hand in hand with this particular demographic.

her trailing foot kicks Ollie in the mouth.

- Ha, I like that detail. As good a fued instigator as you could ask for.

Where business plans go to die.

- Good prose

OLLIE (V.O.)
What we are doing here at
Cyberotica is democratising sex.
Levelling the playing field.

- Haha, that is a curious way to put it. Cant really agree with it either.

Addresses a crowd of zero. He is cleaning the office, not
running it.

- Nice reveal here. I was about to question would a guy like Ollie be giving presentations on, presumably, sexbots. Being the office cleaner seems more at his level...Although, on the basis of the company logo, can we assume thats its his company?

Having both of them working together conveniently explains the age gap too while still maintaining its naffness.

Interesting wrinkle with this phantom Steve character and what significance he will have later.

Also, I like the introduction of Penny. Right now she could be a potential antagonist outdoing them at every turn. On the contrary she could buddy up with them and become a love interest (for Andrew while Ollie dislikes her)...or a combination of all three...or, at 19 years old, and given the post #metoo era were in, lets keep it strictly platonic

I know that by using Cruise gives you a lot of material to parody and draw from but what about the practicalities of it? I mean, where are the lines drawn legally? Could you reference scientology, the accusations of his sexuality? If you used a fictional star that is based on Cruise it would give you more freedom to incorporate other elements of his persona without getting sued. Of course, the downside is that you don't have his quotes and image to reference so yeah it's a catch 22. I'm sure you've already considered all this anyway.

I like the start youve made here, Andrew. This is my type humour; sad sack, emasculating, delusions of grandeur, faux eloquence, undermined pathos. Its all in there so far.

Given your brief premise description, I would definitely be curious to see where it goes given your comedic sensibilities.

However, I must admit to being wary of the rather than take risks and live their own life. That just reeks off forced message shoehorning, and not a very original one at that. Which is a requisite for these type of films so I get it, there are genre and commercial concerns to consider. (Think Borat, switch Tom Cruise for Pamela Anderson, avoid the racial stereotypes and gratuitous male nudity, and you got yourself a hit movie!)

Seriously though, the rather than take risks and live their own life line makes me fear that it  might burden this, otherwise novel concept, with a certain predictable/inevitable narrative trajectory.

But, alas, I should not make such far reaching projections based on 5 pages and my own hang-ups.

Keep going with this.



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Colkurtz8  -  March 31st, 2019, 4:52am
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eldave1
Posted: March 31st, 2019, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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The writing was top notch (or should that be top gun?). So, dude - me thinks you can write. Now -

I am sure you are aware of the elephant in the room a) the marketability of the script relies entirely on your ability to land Tom Cruise, b) a readers understanding of some of the jokes relies entirely on their familiarity with Tom Cruise movies.

These are huge hurtles for selling a script - but if that is not an issue (i.e., this is a passion project) - keep on. It's well written.

If it were me:

- I would not have any scenes with Tom Cruise actually in them (He would be present, but unseen) as the story isn't really about him (I think). If he's not physically in a scene - you don't need to land him.

Although I was engaged by the pages you wrote - this, from your premise - They run a cleaning company, and it is this vehicle they plan to use to fund a trip to LA to visit the premiere there, and finally snag that elusive meeting with Cruise. - bored me a bit.

Two characters with the same goal with little conflict in reaching their goal.
I'm just worried it's going to be a one beat story - For your consideration:

Dude 1 - Married, kids - successful what ever (lawyer). Despite their differences, his best friend is --

Dude 2 - Runs a three man cleaning company. Single, childless. Tom Cruise lunatic. Life's dream is to snag a meeting with Cruise.  Also - dying of cancer, or - suffering anxiety/depression - or - insert whatever would add urgency to get this trip done now - and - would compel Dude 1 to put his otherwise peaceful/successful life on hold to help his buddy. Lot of tension, conflict, guilt would emerge there.

I think you would also have more comedic land to farm in this scenario - I think two people talking about their love for Cruise has less comedic potential than one crazed Cruise fan talking to someone who ain't.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

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eldave1  -  March 31st, 2019, 1:15pm
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Andrew
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Thanks both for the reads. Excellent thoughts and suggestions throughout.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Good first page, sets up the Ollie character and the relationship dynamic between him and Alistair very quickly and visually.


Thanks man, much appreciated.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ha, the age disparity between the two already has me worried. Not in a creeped out way, more like a pitiful, �Aww, poor Ollie� way.


Haha. There are two dynamics I am throwing around in my head between these characters; I'm wondering if, and how, they can coexist.

The first being Alistair is Gareth Keenan to Ollie's David Brent, and Ollie is Oliver Hardy to Alistair's Stan Laurel.

The Office and Laurel & Hardy are my biggest comedy inspirations / loves. Certainly in the case of Laurel & Hardy, it's one of the most iconic partnerships in history. David & Gareth was always my favourite pairing in The Office, and I see these characters as my opportunity to pay homage to the genius of the two examples.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I have vague recollections of reading this when it was a 3 pager or something. Guys go to a film premi�re to meet Tom Cruise is about all I can recall. I remember thinking at the time that the Cruiser was a rather unfashionable star to pick because his aforementioned star wattage had diminished somewhat (personally, I�ve always given him a pass for his performance in Magnolia no matter what he said in his private life) but in 2019, at 56 years old, I would say he�s bigger than ever, mainly due to the endurance of the Mission Impossible franchise. So, that�s my long way of saying...it�s the ideal time to resurrect this!


So true! He was on the wane back in that period, and yet, like a fine wine, the man is back. Still keen to see him team up with Tarantino and Nolan, but that's another conversation.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Such an iconic line, perhaps too iconic maybe? Too easy? Maybe this is part of the joke. Also, as everyone will know, it was said by Jack Nicholson not Tom Cruise. I assume this is part of the joke as well. Alistair is the dopey, comic relief as suggested in his �obvious fall guy� description. So that leads me to wonder...is Alistair really not a fan of Tom Cruise after all? Does he not know that this isn�t a Cruise line? Does he just pretend to be a fan so Ollie will be his friend? ...reading on...


My intention here is for it to be something of a little homage to the 'make like a tree and get out of here' from Biff. The suggestion being Alistair is, let's say, limited like Biff. The idea would be to pepper it througout the script, always outside Ollie's earshot, and to maybe pay it off in some way with Penny later (if indeed I do go down the romantic angle).


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ok, I sense there is going to be line after line of Cruise quotes here haha. Some which I will get, a lot I won�t. Just on a personal note, are you a big Tom Cruise fan yourself?


Want to find the right balance here. Definitely want the script to be heavy-ish with references, but not to the point where it becomes OTT. Yeah, am a big fan of TC, and part of this script is self-mockery.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Oh Jesus, this can go from funny to very sad very fast. Two grown men dressed like that. It would stand out less in America I would think than London, or maybe I�m just being old and stuffy here. Actually, since its a film premiere I�m definitely being the latter.


Over 10 years ago now (where does the time go), myself and a friend were on a tour of Hollywood (in the back of an old, beat up pickup covered in painted movie stars), and whilst touring through swish neighbourhoodds in this embarrassment of a set of wheels, we got dropped off and decided to buy a couple of Jason masks. We wore them around Hollywood, right up to Rodeo Drive, where we were asked to remove them. The befuddledment this caused on the streets is the inspiration for them sporting the suits. With the advent of social media, it feels like society is meaner, and more primed to mock, so the inclusion of this was to touch on those two topics.

My feeling is that filmed right, the reveal could be quite humorous. A little characterisation that links to the initial phone call.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

OLLIE
(to everyone)
That�s nothing compared to the one
I have.

- Ah, so they�ve already met him?


No, that's a lie. What I haven't got across yet is that Ollie can be arrogant, and considers himself a superior fan, so the reality he doesn't have a pic yet eats at him. My issue with this is that being a superfan over a period of time, how on earth would he not have a pic; I've considered addressing this through an end credits montage of all the near misses, but I digress.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

OLLIE
We know him!

Cruise loud laughs, beams.

ALISTAIR
Old friends!

- They are being surprisingly cocksure and calm for two super fans. Usually hysterics and very un-cool behaviour go hand in hand with this particular demographic.


Very true. This is intended to be part of the front they put up, but will give this some more thought.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

�her trailing foot kicks Ollie in the mouth.�

- Ha, I like that detail. As good a fued instigator as you could ask for.


Haha, like the way you put that.


Quoted from Colkurtz8

�Addresses a crowd of zero. He is cleaning the office, not
running it.�

- Nice reveal here. I was about to question would a guy like Ollie be giving presentations on, presumably, sexbots. Being the office cleaner seems more at his level...Although, on the basis of the company logo, can we assume that�s it�s his company?

Having both of them working together conveniently explains the age gap too while still maintaining its naffness.


Thanks man. Yeah, this is his company together with Alistair. I'm still trying to develop how Alistair has come to own it, too. I've been pondering something eldave said below, re: introing a counterpoint character, and am now wondering if Alistair's father could be Ollie's old friend (would need to play around with the ages a little), but that could lend an interesting angle.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
Interesting wrinkle with this phantom Steve character and what significance he will have later.

Also, I like the introduction of Penny. Right now she could be a potential antagonist outdoing them at every turn. On the contrary she could buddy up with them and become a love interest (for Andrew while Ollie dislikes her)...or a combination of all three...or, at 19 years old, and given the post #metoo era we�re in, let�s keep it strictly platonic


Steve is Ollie's father, and the idea is for him to pop up a few times, and for that to be a mini character arc / subplot that fleshes out Ollie's backstory a little. Could be an interesting stylistic motif. Or not!

Haha, the intent is for Penny to be Alistair's love interest, and as a consequence, something of an antagonist for Ollie, which is set up to bring out his inner Mean Girl. Am still throwing around those ideads in my head, however. I'd never really considered her an outright antagonist before, but the idea is amusing.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I know that by using Cruise gives you a lot of material to parody and draw from but what about the practicalities of it? I mean, where are the lines drawn legally? Could you reference scientology, the accusations of his sexuality? If you used a fictional star that is based on Cruise it would give you more freedom to incorporate other elements of his persona without getting sued. Of course, the downside is that you don't have his quotes and image to reference so yeah it's a catch 22. I'm sure you've already considered all this anyway.


At heart, I see this script as an exercise to keep me writing, as opposed to a script I'll try and get made; that said, there's very little reason for Cruise to appear again after the premiere, so his 'appearance' could be shot in a way that never shows him per se.


Quoted from Colkurtz8
I like the start you�ve made here, Andrew. This is my type humour; sad sack, emasculating, delusions of grandeur, faux eloquence, undermined pathos. It�s all in there so far.

Given your brief premise description, I would definitely be curious to see where it goes given your comedic sensibilities.

However, I must admit to being wary of the �rather than take risks and live their own life.� That just reeks off forced message shoehorning, and not a very original one at that. Which is a requisite for these type of films so I get it, there are genre and commercial concerns to consider. (Think Borat, switch Tom Cruise for Pamela Anderson, avoid the racial stereotypes and gratuitous male nudity, and you got yourself a hit movie!)

Seriously though, the �rather than take risks and live their own life� line makes me fear that it  might burden this, otherwise novel concept, with a certain predictable/inevitable narrative trajectory.

But, alas, I should not make such far reaching projections based on 5 pages and my own hang-ups.

Keep going with this.


Haha, love the sad sack comment. Your summary of the humour is excellent, and helps solidify in my mind what I'm actually going for (it's spot on analysis), thus able to gain more from it.

re: theme; I do want this to be a vicarious lifestyle for them, but not to the point where it's explicit. For me, that would be my purpose for writing it, but agree it shouldn't burden the script and weigh it down.


Quoted from eldave
The writing was top notch (or should that be top gun?). So, dude - me thinks you can write.


Thanks man. Much appreciated. Nice Top Gun reference, too!


Quoted from eldave
I am sure you are aware of the elephant in the room a) the marketability of the script relies entirely on your ability to land Tom Cruise, b) a readers understanding of some of the jokes relies entirely on their familiarity with Tom Cruise movies.

These are huge hurtles for selling a script - but if that is not an issue (i.e., this is a passion project) - keep on. It's well written.


For sure. I see this more as a script to get me back writing, rather than a potential sale, but it's only sensible to write it in a way (in the unlikely scenario it could sell!) that makes clears some of those hurdles.

On the TC inclusion part, I would include him only in the premiere scene, and perhaps at the closing. The heart of the movie is the journey to the premiere in LA (at least at this current juncture).

Definitely concerned about overdoing the references. Less is more probably applies here.


Quoted from eldave

If it were me:

- I would not have any scenes with Tom Cruise actually in them (He would be present, but unseen) as the story isn't really about him (I think). If he's not physically in a scene - you don't need to land him.


Agreed on this. My feeling is the premiere can be shot in a way that stay true to the script, but never actually shows him. Could be an interesting challenge for a director and DOP, creating interesting visual opportunities.


Quoted from eldave
Although I was engaged by the pages you wrote - this, from your premise - They run a cleaning company, and it is this vehicle they plan to use to fund a trip to LA to visit the premiere there, and finally snag that elusive meeting with Cruise. - bored me a bit.


That's fair. This overall direction is still fluid. I've never really settled on plot with this script, and I think it's valid to say this current trajectory could be a little dull. Will give it some more thought.


Quoted from eldave
Two characters with the same goal with little conflict in reaching their goal.
I'm just worried it's going to be a one beat story - For your consideration:

Dude 1 - Married, kids - successful what ever (lawyer). Despite their differences, his best friend is --

Dude 2 - Runs a three man cleaning company. Single, childless. Tom Cruise lunatic. Life's dream is to snag a meeting with Cruise.  Also - dying of cancer, or - suffering anxiety/depression - or - insert whatever would add urgency to get this trip done now - and - would compel Dude 1 to put his otherwise peaceful/successful life on hold to help his buddy. Lot of tension, conflict, guilt would emerge there.

I think you would also have more comedic land to farm in this scenario - I think two people talking about their love for Cruise has less comedic potential than one crazed Cruise fan talking to someone who ain't.


This is invaluable feedback. To be fair, it's making me question the whole foundation of my script! The dynamic you have set up is strong, and a great basis for any script, to be fair. Really strong suggestion.

To provide some colour, the intent with these two is to create a sort of buddy, roadtrip (maybe) movie, with the dynamic being something of a homage to Laurel & Hardy.

You're absolutely right greater constrast is needed between the two; I hadn't given this sufficient thought beforehand, so this is great for me to consider now.

Due to reading this comment, I have thought about definitely bringing in a character I had already considered bringing into this world; Mulligan.

Mulligan is full of bravado, a ladies man in his own head; full of shit, basically.

That sort of character could have a place in this world, but to adapt it, and bring him in as Mulligan 2.0, the serious, career-driven version gives me some real options. Placing him in this world as 2.0 could layer the script. Asking questions of us, like, how do we change in life? What's the difference between success and failure between two close friends as they grow up? Etc, etc.

Mulligan's trump card would be a photo he has with Tom Cruise (something Ollie's never achieved, and as suggested to col above, could be an amusing end credits scene of the near misses).

Mulligan could also be Alistair's father (deepening the links between the characters), which would allow me to retain the Laurel & Hardy duo. Might create a script that is too busy, though.

Would be keen on your thoughts to that idea.

Am considering that, but also outright implementing the suggestion.

There are invaluable insights and suggestions here from you both here. Much appreciated.

What's on your respective dockets that could do with a read?


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eldave1
Posted: March 31st, 2019, 2:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andrew
This is invaluable feedback. To be fair, it's making me question the whole foundation of my script! The dynamic you have set up is strong, and a great basis for any script, to be fair. Really strong suggestion.

To provide some colour, the intent with these two is to create a sort of buddy, roadtrip (maybe) movie, with the dynamic being something of a homage to Laurel & Hardy.

You're absolutely right greater constrast is needed between the two; I hadn't given this sufficient thought beforehand, so this is great for me to consider now.

Due to reading this comment, I have thought about definitely bringing in a character I had already considered bringing into this world; Mulligan.

Mulligan is full of bravado, a ladies man in his own head; full of shit, basically.

That sort of character could have a place in this world, but to adapt it, and bring him in as Mulligan 2.0, the serious, career-driven version gives me some real options. Placing him in this world as 2.0 could layer the script. Asking questions of us, like, how do we change in life? What's the difference between success and failure between two close friends as they grow up? Etc, etc.

Mulligan's trump card would be a photo he has with Tom Cruise (something Ollie's never achieved, and as suggested to col above, could be an amusing end credits scene of the near misses).

Mulligan could also be Alistair's father (deepening the links between the characters), which would allow me to retain the Laurel & Hardy duo. Might create a script that is too busy, though.

Would be keen on your thoughts to that idea.

Am considering that, but also outright implementing the suggestion.

There are invaluable insights and suggestions here from you both here. Much appreciated.

What's on your respective dockets that could do with a read?


I like the idea (Mulligan).

Some of it is  just really in a personal taste thing for me in regards to buddy movies. I like them a lot. You have you Dumb and Dumbers - two similar buddies on a similar trip. And you have your Rain Man, The In Laws, Midnight Runs, etc  - two polar opposites on a trip. The latter have always been richer for me.

If you wanted to read something of mine (not required) - take a look at the first ten of this:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1546878993/s-all/

It's a feature recently completed that I am about to start re-writes on


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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