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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  'The Eastern Theatre' - wip feature (I'm new!) Moderators: bert
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  Author    'The Eastern Theatre' - wip feature (I'm new!)  (currently 1389 views)
JackH
Posted: May 1st, 2019, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Okay, quick check. I've used "we see" three times, mostly earlier in the script, but will promptly remove them.

Thanks again.


"Yes, man is mortal, but that would be only half the trouble. The worst of it is that he's sometimes unexpectedly mortal - there's the trick" -- Mikhail Bulgakov.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 8th, 2019, 7:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jack

I've been thinking to myself recently that when I read and review, I'm doing it from the perspective of a writer - not a producer. I'm basing things on my enjoyment of the reading, not if I can turn it into a good movie - What got me down this train of thought are a few instances of you 'telling' me things in the script - to a producer, I guess it's then up to them to translate that to film, but as a reader it's not very interesting - Just thinking out loud really.

Anyhoo - Those instances of you telling me:
"Everyone is Drunk"
"Hannah is in shock"
It's a bit boring to read and not visual - surely you can think of ways to convey this information visually.
"Nick notices Jack appears absorbed in something, a little pensive, anxious"
Nick may have noticed it - but how are we meant to notice it - Jacks dialogue immediately before this indicates his mind is on other things so no need to tell us - show us.

"Cynical, dubious thoughts circulate his mind" - how the bugger am I meant to see this? lol - are thought bubbles going to appear on screen? I've read a few consipiracy theories but I'm pretty sure the audience won't be able to read the characters minds.

"Tears of joy form in her eyes"
During your rewrite - look out for little things like this and ask yourself if some information is truly necessary - I mean, where else do tears form if not eyes?

"Clouds of dust, created by the intense gunfire, drift in the air and explode violently where bullets meet concrete"
This doesn't read well - I read it like it was some kind of combustable death gas floating around that randomly explodes.

BTW I like the instant transition from Pub to battlefield - from safety to danger.
Although looking back, do you need two seperate parties in the beginning? Can you not combine the kids birthday party with what the leaving party has told us about the story and characters? Was a little jarring going from 1 to the other and on a plus side - 1 less location for production.

Well, I saw the word "frenetically" and thought "That's not a word!" - but it is, I've learned something.

You have a tendency to overwrite - but I have a tendency to underwrite so my suggestions may go too far the other way.
"Just as the man is about to turn and fire on him, jack fires several panicked rounds from his rifle, dropping the man.
First, I'd go with terrorist rather than man, sounds more threatening. This should also be tense moment but the writing doesn't highlight it.

How about

"The terrorist turns the weapon on Jack. Jack takes aim at the terrorist.

BANG BANG.

The terrorist drops to the ground"

I'm not convinced mine is any good - I also do not like ANY onomatopeia for weapons so I never know what to use - BANG & POP both sound so childish... anyway, back to the script

"Then, from an unknow position further along the street, he is fired upon. Several rounds crack against the surface of the road, spitting up tufts of dust and debris"
A good example of overwriting here - do away with the word "then". If the position is unknown, how do we know it is further along the street, but more importantly, why bother telling us at all - Also no need to tell us he is fired upon when it is immediately followed by you showing us he is fired upon - stick to the showing part, lose the telling part.
How is this gonna play out on screen, what are we going to see/hear first? The bullets hitting the road, tell us that first
"rounds CRACK into the ground at jacks feet. Jack dips and dodges his way into

SIDESTREET

He flees. Away from the fight, away from his unit"

Is that any better? I dunno, you be the judge.

OK I'm gonna stop analysing every line now or I'll be here forever lol I'm gonna read the rest of the script in one go (hopefully)

All the best

Matt

EDIT: I read on a little bit - Got to the point where he met the Staff Sergeant - He keeps calling him "Sir", unless things have changed since I was in, you don't call a staffy "sir" - I did once and was promptly shouted at "DON'T CALL ME SIR, I WORK FOR A LIVING"


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Matthew Taylor  -  May 8th, 2019, 8:03am
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 8th, 2019, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Hello again

OK, I'm tackling the rest of it...

There was a huge tone shift when he got to this base - It went from what I thought was a serious war film to a slightly goofy one - A bit like going from Lone Survivor to The Men Who Stare at Goats - It was a bit jarring and left me with a WTF face.
Either tone is fine, but I would keep it consistent throughout.

Mess hall scene - 2 pages into this scene you introduce a character that has been there the whole time - If this character is there, you need to tell us at the beginning (he isn't hidden or anything, he is literally sitting there but you didn't tell us)

I also find it a bit odd that he keeps using his first name - last names are the norm - Private Baines.

Alright... the phone call with Hannah was strange... something odd is going on in this story. And I wanna find out what it is... you've hooked me! well done. But I wanna say now, If I get to the end of this script and it's all in his head, I'm gonna be pissed lol

It's hard to like Jack - he's a bit of a wet blanket. I'm struggling to root for him in this story.

He is also not asking the right questions - questions I would expect him to ask in this situation, he's just kind of accepted that this very odd FOB is acceptable. It's strange as fuck and he's not acting like it - Would he not be asking them to communicate with Camp Bastien? or his unit? or anyone up the chain of command? or what the hell is going on lol

OK - a word on consistency. Basically, be consistent.
Take SSgt Charlie - Sometimes you refer to him as Staff Sargeant Charlie/S.Sgt Charlie/ Staff Sargeant - I would pick one and stick with it throughout.

"It is morning" - just pop MORNING on the end of your slug instead of DAY

Wait a darn second... Jack just witnessed Tommy get executed, and seemingly happy to, and he goes back to the barracks? I would be grabbing supplies and take my chances out in the desert

Alright, this script is moving too slowly now - I'm skipping ahead.

IT WAS ALL IN HIS HEAD!  lol, I saw that coming but I was hoping you wouldn't go there.

Ok, I got to the end of what you have written:

Summary:
I do not think Jack has enough character to carry us through this story.
The tone should be kept constant throughout - The shift was a little disturbing.
It was odd, and seemingly disconnected - What's Jacks goal here? to get home? He's not helping himself achieve this so I can't root for him - he has access to the phone but he only calls his fiance - If he is not trying his hardest to achieve his goal then I lose interest in hoping he achieves it.
What is the purpose of the crazies in the army base? - I see now they are some sort of hallucination, but I would bring them into the story more, maybe each represents an emotion, a doubt, a person in Jacks life - I don't know, just felt like the story went off the rails a bit.

You say you have only been writing scripts for a few months - With that in mind, this is a bloody good start. The writing needs some work but that comes in the end.
The story is not for me, but others will like this sort of thing.

Well done - Keep up the good work

All the best

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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JackH
Posted: May 9th, 2019, 2:59am Report to Moderator
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Pick up my axe and fight like a farmer.

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Hey Matt.

Firstly like to say that I really appreciate you reading my script and giving it some thorough thought. It definitely helps give perspective.

You've given me a lot of food for thought! Especially regarding Jack's lack of drive to escape the outpost. I actually despise most of this hideous first draft anyway   but I've started writing a second in prose, so goodie!

Funnily enough, I'd already adopted your suggestion of just having one party (opting for the pub scene). The whole birthday party bullshit was so goddam boring I almost fell asleep trying to rewrite it. So I just got rid of it . . . in fact, I've even got rid of George for the time being.

Also, the whole flight of fantasy shit with the outpost was a bit of an experiment. The entire section in Afghanistan is gonna be handled totally different moving forward. The reality or delusion of what actually occurs is going to be much more ambiguous, and less embarrassingly on-the-nose!  

Thanks

Jack



"Yes, man is mortal, but that would be only half the trouble. The worst of it is that he's sometimes unexpectedly mortal - there's the trick" -- Mikhail Bulgakov.
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