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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  first 4 pages Moderators: bert
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Diane
Posted: June 29th, 2019, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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A description of what I will be getting into would be nice. As it stands, it's just a link that could lead anywhere. I have no desire to click it.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Diane,

Okay?  hard to gauge a script from the first few pages -- I have no idea who these people are or what they're doing.   If I did,  I'd be able to judge your story better.  But at this moment, your biggest problem....

In a nutshell, you're overwriting, and it wouldn't appeal to most readers, who are cynical, or bitter.   You have to write more punchy and to the point.  Let the story itself engage the reader, because that's what matters with a script.  The best way to use the time/space you have on the page, is to tell as much story as possible.   When you take the time to  spend one page telling us about DANIEL CHANG's apartment, you are wasting opportunity.   So trim and tighten.  I'm not saying take a chainsaw to it, but...  also less description -- more useful dialogue.  Think of a line of dialogue as being like a jar. Try fill it up with as much as possible; insight into characters, things yet to be revealed, subtext etc.

As for the formatting, take another look at it as well.  So I'll reiterate,  I really couldn't judge your story from this small sample but this is a start.   Read scripts, lots.  Okay, that's all I have for now.  I wrote this on the go, forgive my errors.   We'd be more than happy to take another pass down the road.   Good Luck with this.  


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LC
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/free-screenwriting-software/

Diana, free and paid software for you. See above link.
Your dialogue formatting is off at the moment, and I'm not sure what software you're using.

trelby.org
Is free software, and it's pretty good.

I recommend Final Draft if you're in the market for good paid software.

I PM'd Diane the usual links prior (thanks, Frank on Diane's 'newcomer thread' & Ghostie for your fast support and feedback) but I'm not sure she got it.

Just a reminder to all
(doing my Mod thing) the WIP thread has a Sticky which advises the following:

Simple rules to make this board more effective for those who need help.

1. Use the screenplays title in the topic, if it has no title say Untitled (genre of script) if not it will be locked and reported.
2. Don't post scripts that aren't at least halfway done.


Rule 2 means that if you got an idea 15 minutes ago, the script isn't halfway done. An idea is not a "Work In Progress." It's an idea.

If you have a working treatment or are stuck on a particular part of your actual working story, that's cool too. The board is for help, though, not promotions. Trust us when we say that few ideas are actually "bad." Usually ideas fail in the execution.

So if you're posting your endless ideas, please don't. If you have a Work In Progress that you're stuck on, you've come to the right place.


Diane, don't let those guidelines put you off. Post more of your script if you have it, or if you haven't written much of it yet and want some feedback/pointers you can post here:  
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/

Especially if you're unsure on something format-wise.

Alternatively, submit a Short or Feature length script here:
https://www.simplyscripts.com/submit_your_script_new.html

When the current Writer's Tournament is over the Beginner's Guide To SS will probably be front and centre again.

It gets a bit lost in Questions & Comments.

SS is quid pro quo, Diane. The more you put in by way of reading and reviewing other people's work, the more you'll get back, so you're off to a great start.

We're a friendly lot here and want to encourage writers to stick around.


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eldave1
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Welcome, Diane.

I'll echo everything Libby said.

I did read the first four pages. The good news is that you seem to have a vibrant imagination.  I think once you actually learn how to write scripts you will have a lot to offer.

But you need to learn the basics of the craft first, We all did - so don't feel alone in that regard. There are too many technical problems in the first four pages to list here. But I will start with your opening.



Quoted Text
OF THE PLACE WITH NO NAME


Don't include you title on the first page. All scripts have a separate title page. Also tradition has scripts starting with FADE IN.



Quoted Text
EXT. CHINATOWN. VICTORIA. VANCOUVER ISLAND. CANADA. MAY.
1891 – DAY




Much of what you have in the header should really be in a SUPER. Scene headings are for location. MAY 1891 is not a location.

Try something like:

FADE IN:

EXT.  CHINATOWN - DAY

Victoria’s Chinatown, congested, narrow streets and
warren of alleys and passageways buzz with activity.
Shopkeepers bark orders, Mah Jong tiles clack, street
hawkers flog their wares, shoppers and shopkeepers
bicker, acquaintances gossip, prostitutes beckon come
hither.

SUPER:  VANCOUVER ISLAND. CANADA. MAY 1891.

A negligible number of women and children are vastly
outnumbered by men.


Quoted Text
Victoria’s Chinatown, congested, narrow streets and
warren of alleys and passageways buzz with activity.
Shopkeepers bark orders, Mah Jong tiles clack, street
hawkers flog their wares, shoppers and shopkeepers
bicker, acquaintances gossip, prostitutes beckon come
hither.


Once you get to four lines, you're running the risk of the writing becoming too dense. Break it up. Also CAP characters when we first see them even if they are not speaking characters. e.g.,

Congested, narrow streets and warren of alleys and passageways buzz with activity.

SHOPKEEPERS bark orders at WORKERS and barter with SHOPPERS.

Mah Jong tiles clack, STREET VENDORS flag their wares.

PROSTITUTES on every alley corner beckon come
hither.

Just one way to break it up.

There are problems throughout - work on this one first - rewrite it - let me know when you're done and we will move on.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Diane
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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I have read everyone's comments so thank you. I do have some questions though.  What is wrong with my formatting?  I honestly don't know. I thought I had everything formatted properly. Someone wrote to CAP character's when first introduced.  I did, so I don't understand this. Is it possible my script didn't post correctly?
The opening scene is just to introduce these Chinese men to the reader. The script moves from the past - 1887 - 1895) to the present so these people will continue to appear throughout the script. Is there a better way of doing this?
It is imperative that the reader understand that Daniel is wealthy and likes to flaunt it with his furnishings, clothing etc. He is  obsessed with wealth - hence the two books he has and the description. I don't know how to get this across any clearer.
This story is sort of a mystery,  based on true events. Daniel discovers he is related to one of these 5 men apprehended in Chinatown. The man disappeared in 1895 and Daniel sets out to discover why.  I don't want to give too much away until the secret is revealed. This happens at my mid-point.
I guess I am very confused. One person told me to make my slug line longer - to show it was on Vancouver Island etc. and now someone says to make it shorter.  I read that a screen play shouldn't rush into  dialogue and then someone else says to break things up with more dialogue. I also read that the use of things like FADE IN are becoming obsolete.   Sorry, but I really don't understand.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Diane... I'm extremely tired as I've been at a chess tournament all day, so please forgive any typos or grammatical fuckry.

Formatting: The comment was in reagrd to your alignment only. The dialogue alignment I believe (so tired, i can't be bothered to scroll up).

Long slugs and short slugs is not the issue. As Dave, I think quite clearly, pointed out, the issue with your slug is that they give more information than location. Slugs are for location only. Anyhting else possibly belongs in a SUPER or you can find ways within the narrative to show the viewer the same thing.

Where did you read that a screenplay shopuldn't rush into dialogue?

In terms of the action lines... we write by camera shot. One will rarely need more than four lines to describe what happens in one shot.

FADE IN... is bullshit. You don't need it. I honestly don't know why screenwriters bring it up.
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Diane
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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If slug lines are just for location, why do writers insert NIGHT/DAY?
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Code

The door creaks open. The man opening it throws up his
arm to block his eyes from the dazzle of sunlight. His
forearm obscuring his face.



The door creaks open. Inside, a wrinkled old MAN throws up
an arm to block the sunlight. His forearm obscures his face.

I don't think the last sentence is needed. He's just thrown his arm over his face... where else would his forearm be?

I've got it:

The door creaks open. Inside, a wrinkled old MAN throws up
an arm to block the sunlight, obscuring his face.




Revision History (1 edits)
DustinBowcot  -  June 30th, 2019, 2:43pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Diane
If slug lines are just for location, why do writers insert NIGHT/DAY?


At the location, it will be either night or day, internal or external.

It is not advisable to put information that belongs in a SUPER into a SLUG... but it's completely up to you.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Shit... I just edited my old post by accident and lost all the stuff I wrote. I hit 'edit' on my own post and thought I hit 'quote' then deleted all the stuff I didn't need in the new post. Only, it wasn't a new post, it was my old one.
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Diane
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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I don't understand this criticism. The line doesn't say he threw his arm over his face, it says his arm has blocked his eyes.  Therefore, there are two very different actions here. The first is the arm going up to cover his eyes. the second obscures his entire face. They are two very different actions.  
Furthermore, no one sees these faces until the big reveal on p 55. That is when the story explains why it is so important for Daniel's image to be seen as it is.  It explains the irony of the story which according to at least two of the film courage gurus say must be part of any script. It causes Daniel to question whether or not he wants to carry on with his investigation. These men are not old and wrinkled.
Maybe this will help.  
When an image conscious young doctor sets out to solve the 130 year-old mystery surrounding the unexplained disappearance of a distant relative, he is horrified when he uncovers the shocking truth.
Regardless, I give up.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Diane
I don't understand this criticism. The line doesn't say he threw his arm over his face, it says his arm has blocked his eyes.  Therefore, there are two very different actions here. The first is the arm going up to cover his eyes. the second obscures his entire face. They are two very different actions...


Hi Diane - welcome to the boards.

Dustin was simply stating there is a better way to structure this passage using fewer words.

The way that passage currently reads is that the guy holds an arm to cover his eyes from the light, in doing so, his arm also blocks his entire face... your rebuttal suggests you want this to be two separate actions (The initial reaction of covering the eyes, then the conscious action of covering the face -- I think).
If I'm right, then it's just a case of making it clearer that two separate actions occur.

the last words in your post are discouraging "I give up". Screenwriting is a craft that, like all other crafts, needs to be learned - you won't be able to get it right straight away, and people will tell you about mistakes - either on here or out there.

If you really want to be a screenwriter then you have to learn to take criticism - you don't have to take the advice, obviously, but in the beginning, I would strongly recommend that you do. But if you take every knock against your scripts, and your writing, personally and let it create a negative emotional response, the business will eat you up.

Remember, any positive or negative comments you receive here are only given in order to help you become a better writer. When I first joined and received my first script bashing, I had an immediate defensive claws out stance, but after cooling off, realised the comment was spot on - since then, opening myself up to these things, my writing has improved tremendously. I'm going to stop going on now.

On an unrelated note, are you useing screenwriting software? if so, which one?





Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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LC
Posted: June 30th, 2019, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Formatting alignment, I should have specified.

Example:
See the gap between character name and dialogue, example below?

                    SERGEANT

Open up. This is the police.

Should be:

                   SERGEANT
       Open up. This is the police.

                   SERGEANT
                (in bad English)
                     Open up.

Hence why we asked what software you're using.
...

Diane, try not to be put off by what is essentially meant as constructive criticism.



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eldave1
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Diane
If slug lines are just for location, why do writers insert NIGHT/DAY?


So a Director knows whether they are shooting a day scene or a night scene.

There is not a single scene heading in the first four pages that is formatted correctly.

Here is a good source on headers:

https://screencraft.org/2018/07/22/screenwriting-basics-the-keys-to-writing-correct-scene-headings/


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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