Logline: (so far) A depressed teenage couple who have planned to kill themselves say their last words to each other...

I have done this today real quick, only three pages. What do you think? Should I carry it on and make it better?

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wp420wz77b4ir18/A%20better%20place.pdf?dl=0&m=

no tips then?

I like the premise and you seem to have a good launching place for a story.

The dialogue didn't little for me. Felt stilted - unnatural. Maybe that's just me.

lose this:

Quoted Text pulchritudinous,

No one knows what it means.

Formatting is off here.

Quoted Text JANE I love you too baby, just remember we will be going to a better place, better than this shithole!

Anyway - yes, I think you should do more.

Quoted from eldave1 I like the premise and you seem to have a good launching place for a story. The dialogue didn't little for me. Felt stilted - unnatural. Maybe that's just me. lose this: No one knows what it means. Formatting is off here. Anyway - yes, I think you should do more.

Thanks Dave

I knew I could count on you for commenting.

Im glad you liked the idea and want me carry on, that motivates me more to make it better hearing it from you.

I will try to work on the dialogue. I did have another idea, maybe we see Graham leaving a cheque or getting a money inheritance at the start or something and that is the reason she kills him and lets him die, then she takes it and walks out.

thanks for mentioning that format error, no matter how many times you look through it, there is always something you miss.

anyway let me know what you think about that?

Cheers
Liam

.

Quoted from LiamX Thanks Dave I knew I could count on you for commenting. Im glad you liked the idea and want me carry on, that motivates me more to make it better hearing it from you. I will try to work on the dialogue. I did have another idea, maybe we see Graham leaving a cheque or getting a money inheritance at the start or something and that is the reason she kills him and lets him die, then she takes it and walks out. thanks for mentioning that format error, no matter how many times you look through it, there is always something you miss. anyway let me know what you think about that? Cheers Liam .

Really depends on how long it's going to be. If it is eventually a feature,  the reveal of the motivation would be too early.  If it is a short- okay. You'll  need a motive earlier