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I started on this and just wanted to know if it was formatted better than my last work.
FADE IN
EXT - COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
The scene opens up on a college campus, a truck pulls in to the campus' parking lot and finds a spot which it takes. We then go inside the truck where music is playing loudly, the driver puts the thing in park and slowly brings a cigarette to his lips. This is Mike (20), he then flips off the engine and the music stops. He looks up from the wheel to the campus.
MIKE Another year.
A family sized car then pulls up beside him, a man gets out of the car and motions to Mike to put down his window, this is Kevin (21). Instead of Mike putting down the window he just gets out of the truck altogether and he meets Kevin half-way between the truck and the car. They do a special kind of handshake.
KEVIN What's up, motherfucker?
MIKE Just trying to make it to class on time.
KEVIN Yeah well, I gotta work, wanna meet up at the lake after?
MIKE You know it.
KEVIN I just got a fresh ounce man, we're gonna smoke it up.
Kevin does the universal hand to mouth gesture of smoking.
MIKE That's what I'm talking about.
KEVIN What is your first class anyways?
MIKE Speech.
KEVIN Shit.
MIKE Nah, it really shouldn't be a problem.
KEVIN Well come on, bitch, I'll walk you to your class.
Kevin lights a cigarette as Mike throws his down stomping on it.
KEVIN (CONT'D) Ready to meet some new girls?
MIKE Honestly, since I got over Cara, I really ain't on the hunt.
KEVIN Fuck that man, you're always on the hunt. First bitch that shows you shit, you'll be in love with.
MIKE Nah.
KEVIN Yah.
MIKE Nah.
KEVIN Yah.
MIKE Nah.
KEVIN Hey, asshole, I know you.
MIKE Listen, this has been hard for me, the whole Cara thing. I really put out way too much effort trying to get that girl to like me. She promises me that we'll go out if her and her boyfriend break-up, then out of nowhere, she leaves him for another guy, without coming to me first? Bitches are ruthless, fuck 'em.
KEVIN That's what I've been saying, they're no good.
The two of them then reach the double doors of one of the buildings.
MIKE Well, this is it.
KEVIN Have fun, asshole.
They do a fist bump then Kevin walks away as Mike enters the building.
TRANSITION
INT - COLLEGE CLASSROOM - DAY
There are people everywhere as classes are begining to start. Mike makes his way into one of the classrooms and sits down. He starts talking to the guy sitting next to him.
MIKE What's up?
GUY IN FIRST CLASSROOM Not much.
MIKE Really, what's with the book?
GUY IN FIRST CLASSROOM What do you mean?
Mike looks down at his classmate's book and then at his own. They are different.
Just then a blonde teacher walks into the room and takes her place at the poduim.
MIKE Is this Speech 101?
WRONG ROOM TEACHER No, that's down the hall, two doors on your left.
Mike puts his textbook back into his bag and walks out the door. He sees a few more people before entering in to the next classroom.
There is already a curly headed teachjer facing the class in this room, Mike interupts.
MIKE Is this Speech 101?
MS. KELLY Yes sir.
Mike then takes a seat toward the back of the room.
MS. KELLY (CONT'D) So to get started today, we're going to do a little excersise. Take the sheet I am about to give you and pick one person to answer each question. Getting to know your future audience is important.
Ms. Kelly begins passing out sheets to all of her students.
Mike then sees a familar face, a girl he went to school with, Kristen Slate (20). He walks up to her with his paper in hand.
MIKE Hi, I'm Mike Evans.
KRISTEN Mike Evans, from middle school?
MIKE Yeah.
KRISTEN Holy crap, it's been forever. How are you?
MIKE I'm pretty good, and yourself?
KRISTEN Good.
MIKE So, do you have any brothers or sisters?
KRISTEN You know I do, I got Sam, remember?
MIKE Yeah, I just figured I'd get an easy one out of the way.
KRISTEN What about you?
Just then a beautiful dark haired latina woman walks into the classroom, she is wearing a black cut-off blouse and a tight denim mini-skirt.
Mike has immediatly fallen head over heels for this girl and you can tell by the expression on his face and the love song that is now playing. Kristen has to snap him out of it, she nudges his shoulder a couple of times. When that doesn't work she claps right in front of his face. The music stops and Mike is now out of his daze.
MIKE Uh, what? Oh, uh, yeah. I got a brother and a sister, Will and Amber.
KRISTEN Well, I'm gonna go get some more questions done, I'll talk to you later.
Mike is staring at the latin woman again. Kristen then notices her, she looks back at Mike who is fixated on the woman. Kristen then shakes her head and walks away.
Mike then shakes his head and makes his way to another classmate.
Hey David, this is much better. Though the writing needs a fine-tuning.
Quoted Text
FADE IN
EXT - COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
The scene opens up on a college campus, a truck pulls in to the campus' parking lot and finds a spot which it takes. We then go inside the truck where music is playing loudly, the driver puts the thing in park and slowly brings a cigarette to his lips. This is Mike (20), he then flips off the engine and the music stops. He looks up from the wheel to the campus.
You have your location established in the scene heading -- COLLEGE CAMPUS.
So you don't need to say, in the description, "The scene opens up on a collage campus".
The scene already is opening up, so you can leave that out. And you don't need to mention we're at a college campus again. We already know that in the scene heading. It's too repetitive.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
A truck pulls into the parking lot and finds a spot.
Also, maybe describe the college campus.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
STUDENTS flocking in groups roam the quad.
EXT. CAMPUS PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS
A truck pulls in and finds a spot.
There's no need to mention "Then we go inside the truck..."
Just go inside the truck.
INT. TRUCK (PARKED) - CONTINUOUS
MUSIC BLASTING, MICHAEL (insert age, brief description of character) brings a cigarette to his lips.
He kills the engine -- the music stops.
Taking his eyes away from the wheel, he looks up at the busy campus ahead.
When you introduce a character, always CAP his name -- after that, you can lowercase their names for the rest of the script. Also, mention his age and a brief description.
At the end of this scene, you have FADE OUT, which is usually reserved for the end of the script... unless you want the fade out effect to transition to the next scene. But you should probably just keep it simple.
Quoted Text
A family sized car then pulls up beside him, a man gets out of the car and motions to Mike to put down his window, this is Kevin (21). Instead of Mike putting down the window he just gets out of the truck altogether and he meets Kevin half-way between the truck and the car. They do a special kind of handshake.
This paragraph is far too busy, too much clutter and worded poorly. Be economical with your words. You want this to read at the same pace of an actual film. The moment we feel like we're reading, we're taken out of the story.
A family-sized car pulls up beside Mike's truck.
KEVIN (age, description) exits the car.
Mike leaves his truck. He meets Kevin halfway with a unique handshake only they know about.
Dude, I thank you so much for helping me out. Satan's Lucidity was the first script I ever wrote. These two films (Satan's Lucidity and While Rich or Poor) are my two babies and I want to carve them out to be great screenplays. I downloaded a couple books, going to study, hopefully improve vastly.
There is promise here. I found the dialogue to be relatively natural.
Promise is about all I can ask for at this point. I'm so new at it. I appreciate that you guys are trying to help me so much. I'm interested in taking a few courses on the subject but don't know where to begin, you know?
Promise is about all I can ask for at this point. I'm so new at it. I appreciate that you guys are trying to help me so much. I'm interested in taking a few courses on the subject but don't know where to begin, you know?
"Courses" is something I am not familiar with as I didn't start this until after retirement. But my thoughts are to break it up:
1. Learn format first - get it out of the way. 2. Learn story structure second 3. Learn style third
On 1 - there is tons of internet info available - just Goggle how to write a scene heading and you will get tons of information. Google how to format a Voice Over and you'll get tons - and it is all for free. There are also a lot of discussions here on these topics in the screenwriting class thread.
2. I recommend a book or two - again. Truby's the anatomy of story is good. Maybe post a separate thread here asking peeps to weigh in on what they like
3. Style is something you develop IMO after you conquer 1 and 2 - I got mine from reading a ton of scripts and reading a ton of comments on them
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While Rich or Poor
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