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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  March of the Cicadas - WIP Moderators: bert
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  Author    March of the Cicadas - WIP  (currently 1063 views)
JustinS
Posted: May 7th, 2020, 12:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi all, I'm new here. I plan to give feedback of my own as well, but my immediate reason for joining is that I wanted comments on an opening scene for a pilot script I'm writing.

I'd call it a political space western, to identify the specific genre. The title is my working title -- it's a bit flowery, but I might end up changing it.

It's intended as a TV show, and I still have some cork-boarding to do, but I think the pilot will probably be around 50 pages.

I don't want to give too much information on the premise -- I can later on in the thread, if needed -- but here are the two opening scenes. Let me know what you think!


Quoted Text
INT. MOON DINER - SATELLITE 3 ORBIT

=

=

Two steaming coffee mugs sit on a solid red table. Behind them is a large window, opening onto moonlike craters and a starry black sky devoid of atmosphere.

A HAND grabs the rightmost mug by the handle. The mug is lifted, and now we see through the window what the mug occluded: a BLUE-GREEN PLANET THAT ISN'T OURS.

JOSEPH BECKER lowers the mug from his face. He grimaces, then smiles. He's a tanned, sleek, wiry man who looks 50.

BECKER
This off-world coffee tastes like the cellophane it was wrapped in.

Across the booth is ELIJAH MURPHY, who wipes his eyes as if he's just finished laughing. He looks about the same age -- with a crazy red goatee and a GRUFF VOICE.

MURPHY
Then you came to the right man.

BECKER
I know I did.

Murphy takes a gulp from his own mug without hesitation.

MURPHY
(chuckles)
Hell, I'd have brought my shipment inside. Maybe they'll clean out one of their coffeemakers for us.

BECKER
No need to show anyone up, now.
(beat)
Hey, want to know the first thing I do every time I buy your coffee?

MURPHY
It's gonna be weird, ain't it.

BECKER
I get home, and I take out each bag, and I smell it individually.

Becker casually pantomimes sniffing a bag of coffee.

Murphy slumps on his side, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

BECKER
What's so funny?

Tears in his eyes, Murphy starts to regain himself.

MURPHY
You're a weird one, Becker.

BECKER
Come on, I thought you'd have gotten used to me by now.

MURPHY
Thought I'd be used to a lot of things by now. About ten years ago I got worried there's no more surprises left for me.

BECKER
And the surprises keep coming?

MURPHY
(grins)
Let's say I get proved wrong a lot.
(beat)
Here's another surprise. You don't look a day older than you were when we first met. How do you do that?

For a split second, Becker looks offended.

BECKER
(beat)
Well, I quit smoking a while back.

MURPHY
(chuckles)
Quit smoking, huh?

BECKER
I also exercise.
(gestures at Murphy)
I make sure not to drink too much.

Murphy starts LAUGHING again.

MURPHY
Good on you, but I dunno if I'd give up booze just to tack on a few more years at the end.
(more seriously)
It might be nice though, the few extra years. Wouldn't have to leave my wife alone too long.
(laughs again)
Then again, maybe that's what she wants.

BECKER
I doubt that. People don't flit around unless the universe makes them.

MURPHY
I ain't ever seen you with anybody.

BECKER
I'm one of those people the universe made flit around.

MURPHY
Young as you look, I bet you've got plenty of beautiful broads to flit around to.

BECKER
(sternly)
I'm no dog, Elijah.

Silence. Murphy looks confused.

MURPHY
Me neither.

BECKER
Can I ask you something?

MURPHY
Yes sir, anything for you.

BECKER
How old do you think I am?

MURPHY
(long beat)
Well... I met you, what, 20 years ago, and if you were about 40 then, you must be... 60, now?

Silence again. Becker's face is dead serious.

BECKER
(leans forward)
Elijah?

MURPHY
Yeah?

BECKER
Who's listening in on this conversation right now?

Murphy's face whitens.

MURPHY
(beat)
What?
(looks around)
Nobody, as far as I know.

The diner looks empty. No noise comes from the kitchen.

Becker pulls out a revolver and places the nozzle on Murphy's forehead.

BECKER
You get two more tries.

MURPHY
What are you talking about?

He COCKS the revolver.

BECKER
One.

MURPHY
You're crazy.

BECKER
Close your eyes.

MURPHY
Wait-

BECKER
(gently)
Just close your eyes.

Murphy heeds the advice.

BECKER
Now I want you to picture your wife. What's her name?

MURPHY
(quietly)
Anastasia.

BECKER
I want you to picture Anastasia, but not just any way you please. Picture the way her face looks in the morning, whenever you wake up before she does.
(beat)
Are you picturing her face?

MURPHY
Yes.

BECKER
What does it look like?

Murphy starts to cry.

BECKER
You've been a good friend to me, Elijah. And I know that you're not one to flit around like I am. I know what you really value, and it's got nothing to do with the price they put on my head.

Stifling tears, Murphy looks up at Becker.

MURPHY
(long beat)
If I tell you, you need to promise me you'll let us be.

BECKER
I promise.

MURPHY
It's the Vanguard.

Becker's expression loses its gentleness.

BECKER
(beat)
The Vanguard.

MURPHY
They said they'd-

The gun FIRES, leaving a small red dot on Murphy's forehead. Murphy slumps to the side. His face is FROZEN in a look of terror and recognition.

Becker has already left the diner. The doors SWING SHUT.

EXT. MOON DINER - SATELLITE 3 ORBIT - CONTINUOUS

=

=

=

Becker turns away from the door and raises both his hands, dropping his gun. He doesn't look surprised.

In front of him are EDDIE LAURENT, 35, and JONI "JUJU" LAURENT, 28, wearing the pristine white uniforms of the Vanguard. Each has a gun pointed at Becker's head.

BECKER
I killed your new hire.

Eddie glares at Becker through cold green eyes.

EDDIE LAURENT
Not a hire. Just an illicit trader.

BECKER
I don't pretend to believe in the sanctity of human life.
(beat)
But I was under the impression that the Vanguard does.

Joni presses her gun to Becker's forehead.

JONI LAURENT
Shut up, asshole.

Becker SLAPS Joni's gun away and lunges at her, but Eddie is quick. He SHOOTS Becker in the head. Becker PLUMMETS.

Joni peers down at Becker.

He's face-up on the ground, blood pooling beneath his head. His face looks calm, almost relaxed.

EDDIE LAURENT
Let's get him onto the ship. He'll probably be awake by tomorrow.

Eddie carries Becker on his shoulder. Joni walks beside him.

The three figures make their way across the cratered terrain. We get a broader look of the area -- it's mostly empty, and surrounded by a giant air dome.

A few hundred yards down from the diner is a refueling bay filled with small spaceships. That's where they're headed.
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Fais85
Posted: May 7th, 2020, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. Nice world-building. Becker looks interesting character to me. Is he an android or a clone? A lab rat probably? Overall, it's a good opening sequence.
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eldave1
Posted: May 7th, 2020, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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A lot to like, IMO - s few issues


Quoted Text
INT. MOON DINER - SATELLITE 3 ORBIT


I have no idea what I'm supposed to see from this header.  Perhaps an establishing shot would help.


Quoted Text
A HAND grabs the rightmost mug by the handle. The mug is lifted, and now we see through the window what the mug occluded: a BLUE-GREEN PLANET THAT ISN'T OURS.


occluded is going to send a lot of folks to Google. I'd go with something simpler (concealed or something)


Quoted Text
BECKER
This off-world coffee tastes like the cellophane it was wrapped in.


I'd nuke off-world - too OTN


Quoted Text
Murphy takes a gulp from his own mug without hesitation.


You're overwriting a bit - you don't need without hesitation. Pr his own (of course it is). Just takes a sip  of coffee


Quoted Text
Becker casually pantomimes sniffing a bag of coffee.


Is there a formal way to pantomime?  Just - Becker pantomimes

Solid wiring for the most part



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JustinS
Posted: May 8th, 2020, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Fais85
Well written. Nice world-building. Becker looks interesting character to me. Is he an android or a clone? A lab rat probably? Overall, it's a good opening sequence.


Thanks for the warm feedback! Now's probably a good time to expand on the premise -- the year is 2604, and Earth has become known as the Mainworld, because of its few dozen extrasolar colonies. Becker is a former Earth statehead and capitalist; because of advanced biotechnology that was developed around the turn of the 24th century, he was immortalized -- literally -- in order to safeguard the interests of the capitalist class. He is one of several dozen very powerful figures who were immortalized like this.

But of course, these technologies could only be studied in practice, and it wasn't known (though it was speculated) that they could have debilitating psychological effects. Becker went insane, and before he could have his immortality removed, he escaped. So Becker is a sort of lab rat, then -- a 340-year-old space vampire-cowboy, kinda, but that makes it sound silly.
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JustinS
Posted: May 8th, 2020, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
A lot to like, IMO - s few issues


Thanks for this, I tend to overwrite a lot, and screenwriting is one of those things that are great practice for avoiding it. I've incorporated all your feedback, including about the establishing shots.
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eldave1
Posted: May 8th, 2020, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JustinS


Thanks for this, I tend to overwrite a lot, and screenwriting is one of those things that are great practice for avoiding it. I've incorporated all your feedback, including about the establishing shots.


My pleasure - best of luck with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Fais85
Posted: May 9th, 2020, 3:31am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JustinS
The year is 2604, and Earth has become known as the Mainworld, because of its few dozen extrasolar colonies.

Interesting! It would be interesting if it's Mainland instead of Mainworld. There are extrasolar colonies that are part of the world. So Mainland would make more sense IMO. Just a suggestion.


Quoted from JustinS
Becker is a former Earth statehead and capitalist; because of advanced biotechnology that was developed around the turn of the 24th century, he was immortalized -- literally -- in order to safeguard the interests of the capitalist class. He is one of several dozen very powerful figures who were immortalized like this.

So there are others like him. Cool! An immortal capitalist probably indicates the immortal greed and hunger of power. Governments take advantage of these situations.


Quoted from JustinS
Becker went insane, and before he could have his immortality removed, he escaped.

So the hunger of power and greed went rogue. You need to cure it before it destroys society.


Quoted from JustinS
So Becker is a sort of lab rat, then -- a 340-year-old space vampire-cowboy, kinda, but that makes it sound silly.

That's not silly at all as long as you properly justify everything.

Good luck with the script, Justin.
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MartyA
Posted: October 28th, 2020, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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BECKER
This off-world coffee tastes like the cellophane it was wrapped in.

I'd nuke off-world - too OTN

Or rephrase perhaps.

1. This concoction of X and Y is supposed to be coffee.
2. He sips on sludge, pining for the sweet taste of (fake brand name) back home
3. He brings a cellophane receptacle to his lips, winces, and tells himself its coffee.



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EricP
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Good actable dialogue. It's a bit talky but flows nicely. I'm not one to stick to a script with primarily talking heads, but there was enough verbal joisting that I didn't need to see more.

The problem is I don't know what this scene is about. I don't know the character motivations hence it's hard to feel invested when Murphy dies and Beck gets himself captured.

There are no stakes just an opening. I guess if that was the point then maybe I'm being too demanding here.

However, if I were a producer and this is all I had to go off on whether or not I felt your script would make a good movie or TV series, I probably would pass on it.

I think there is potential here because you clearly have talent as a writer, but as a producer, I need more than just snappy dialogue and action. I need to feel emotionally invested in the characters.

Just my two cents.  
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