Hi all

Previously I posted a logline feedback request for an idea about an unreliable and traumatized young man who claims he is abducted by aliens on the way from a family reunion, and now has instructions to kill a cousin of his who is a politician.

I got lots of good feedback - I'd started writing a draft but decided to combine with a completely unrelated premise I'd earlier started writing, about a lonely, unfriendly woman with a horrible trauma in her past taking revenge against a police officer who released her family's details when fleeing domestic violence. It was inspired by this real story in Australia, where I live: news link

I also couldn't get that one to work; I was relying on a sudden plot reveal to be compelling and I had never written anything to straight up thriller-ey before. But I liked it's main character, this unlikeable and unfriendly woman, and the setting, a tiny outback town in Australia and transplated both of those onto the first.

The result is Knotted Necklaces (working title) - link to first act here. I've actually written more but it's not readable to anyone but me, so let me know what grabs you (if anything) about the hook of the first Act.

Thanks!

EDIT: Ended up converting 24 pages to PDF - the whole first act - as it was more legible than I expected for a vomit draft. You don't have to read it all.

EDIT: Some touchstones I'm going for in terms of tone (and some direct homage of plot); Red Road (2006) by Andrea Arnold, in terms of the thriller slowly and painfully parceling out exposition and the female protagonist with a mission (I highly recommend all of Andrea Arnold's features and her 2003 short btw); Strangerland (2015), an unclassifiable Australian movie starring Nicole Kidman, about two kids getting lost/walking into the desert, and the general vibes of outback towns - got mixed reviews, but I loved it; Picnic At Hanging Rock 70s Australian Peter Weir film- tone, style, and content homage, most directly.

Hey, mate:

Since it has "vomit draft" on it, I'm not going to mess with format, typos et al and just focus on the story.

SPOILERS

It struck me as odd that Olive would be so offended by two teenagers fondling, enough to call the police - yet has no moral problems from taking it from her boss over the desk.

Given what you say the story is about - maybe instead she notices the girl walking away - and the boy grabbing her and roughly turning her around.

I know the town is small - but only a pharma and a grocery store?? No gas, no diner, etc.?

The headline on the newspaper is far too long for a headline.

I started to get confused around page 13 - had to start re-reading stuff

Olive'smain concern - "where will I jpb" when she is told the walking path will be closed seems a  bit disjointed - she's had nothing but trouble there - having to jog in a different locale really feel  odd as something to be upset about.

The meeting with Alan is a little odd - previously she was upset that it would take long for someone to investigate - and now that someone is - she seems to think it is an inconvenience.

Anyway - my initial reaction to this is that it is chaotic. Any one scene is fine and interesting - but it is difficult to thread them together into a story that I would be willing to stay with. Not quite how to put this - but it's like there are two many things going on for me to keep track of - hope that makes sense.

Thanks Dave - that’s a good point re: the opening scene, it would be more effective.

That headline is a real headline word for word from the case I was inspired by, haha. I think I actually made it shorter by cutting off the real person’s name.

Anyway agree re the chaos. Once I’ve figured this out I am hopeful for a more smooth act.

Thanks for the read

Quoted from AlsoBen Thanks Dave - that’s a good point re: the opening scene, it would be more effective. That headline is a real headline word for word from the case I was inspired by, haha. I think I actually made it shorter by cutting off the real person’s name. Anyway agree re the chaos. Once I’ve figured this out I am hopeful for a more smooth act. Thanks for the read

My pleasure - best of luck with it