EDIT: Content warning. Script has graphic depictions of child death outside a horror/action/thriller context. Very matter of fact.

I'm trying to write treatments//block scenes a little better and it's resulted in this.

This is a newer draft of a strange premise I posted once before, breaking the plot down to it's barest elements.

• I'd love thoughts on it's pacing - the opening titles don't come in until about page 30. That first act is easily suspenseful and horrific and I'm wondering if the rest of the script promises enough drama or conflict?
  
• Similar to pacing, although I'm not especially bothered by how long it takes to get to the "opening titles", are there any "pre-tragedy" scenes that you think are wasteful?
  
• Alan is based on real domestic violence behaviors but is he too villainous? I never right straight villain's and struggled here.
  
• Just general writing - I wrote really quickly and I am concerned the dialogue is too focussed on getting to plot points, or in other scenes is too aimless. Anything you ant to comment on.
  

I've got time lately to read specs so happy to trade if you're  a solid writer, too. If you don't want a trade, I don't mind what you comment on/how much you read. Anything is helpful - this is just such a sensitive topic that I wanted some beta eyes before I went and spat out a full draft.

LOGLINE: After a grieving woman crosses paths with the cop she believes is responsible for the tragedy which ruined her life and broke her forever, she must choose between exacting violent and overwhelming revenge on him, or dealing with her trauma via the help of a kindred spiri

Thoughts on the logline (EDIT: I Change it, but it still needs more help).  

LINK TO SCRIPT

Again - PLEASE give me something of yours's to read in exchange. I've got plenty of time right now

Thanks mangs

Ben, I read the lot, and silly me, got to the last page and thought - where's the rest? Didn't read the instruction manual properly.  

A few thoughts:

Apologies first cause I'm reading this on my tablet and I always find dropbox files slow and sluggish to pinpoint pages and scenes I want, so most of my feedback is based on memory of scenes that stuck out and impressed me or made me baulk a little.

Random out of sequence comments follow because of this.

I think you've chosen interesting subject matter just for the fact of how a person survives a horrific tragedy like this. How do you possibly go on? Compelling subject matter. Rosie Batty's resilience comes to mind.

Speaking of baulking: the 'roasting' family description, could be written better imho.  In terms of this nightmare scene I think it requires a bit more finessing. Actually, I think you should consider not showing the entire graphic nature of events. Sometimes with clever cuts and audio our imagination can fill in the blanks and it can be just as horrific, if not more so.

Your logline needs a revamp, but then I suspect that's a WIP too?

As usual your writing is a fast, effortless and an engrossing read. I kinda had a love/have relationship with the story content. Not sure as to its marketability.

This was, I assume, inspired by (for lack of a better word) the horrific Hannah Baxter tragedy?

Is the 'white stairs' quote from a lyric/song, or your own creation?

The pacing is not quite there for me considering the main thrust of your logline. If you really want the story to be focused on the revenge aspect then both the setup for Julian's betrayal is too light on, there's no talk or indication prior to us seeing Julian again on p.56. that she even has an issue with him, and it needs more bookmarking along the way.

Honestly, I had a WTH moment with the appearance of the titles on p.30. It just didn't fit for me.

The character names of Madonna and Bowie seem more suited to a comedy imho.

Olive goes back for her phone charger? Credible though it is - people do weird stuff, but hmm, not sure...

The evolution of the relationship with Chris is nice, some great touches of awkwardness and faux pas on Chris's part. His own reveal was good and surprising. I loved Olive's comment about her reluctance to have a relationship based on mutual trauma. Didn't love as much their mutual masturbation and vaping scene. Seemed a bit premature at that point and I've read a similar scene in your other script with the two guys doing the same thing so it just didn't feel entirely original (even though they're two entirely different scripts and it's unlikely we'd watch a double-bill). I get it, and it's plausible. I just think something more, I dunno, less sexual and more sensual might work better. Presumably both have suffered from a deprivation of human touch for quite a while and I'd personally lean towards a lighter more audience inclusive/impacting scene there by way of tenderness.

I liked that you were slow to build and reveal Alan's character. Not overt from the start that he's an abuser but the elaborate 'gift from nowhere' and sometimes ingratiating actions signpost all is not well and are in good contrast to where we end up. Honestly though I didn't have him pegged as an abuser. As an added note the scene where he effectively rapes Olive needs some refinement imho. 'mounts'? The word choice just seemed a bit clumsy. Might just be me there.

At the top you describe Olive as 'swollen and pregnant' and I pictured her as well into her pregnancy, but then she takes a pregnancy test? Was she ever pregnant? Does this come out later?

The school subplot with the twins and their apparently lesbian mum which then took a convenient detour? Not sure on that either but then perhaps it plays out more later? And I did ultimately like that Olive was vindicated.

So, those are my thoughts so far...

I'm not overly squeamish btw with regard to sex or violence in general but some things will have me walking out of a room. I'm just not convinced in telling a story like this that this is the way best to tell it or that I'd want to buy a ticket. I really don't know. Just picture me on the fence. The rest of the story might convince me otherwise.

Very well written overall as usual.

So many thanks LC for reading all of this and giving your thoughts...I'm planning to stick it out and at least write a whole draft (I've abandoned like four half-written features this year alone).

Yeah, the whole thing is a WIP, logline included. I don't do treatments/beat-sheets so my first draft often ends up drastically different from my logline. I think my focus here will be more on Olive's journey towards deciding to let go of her anger, rather than a "she chases him down with a gun" trope. I admit to using some of the stalking scenes as red herrings though....

So yeah, I totally take your point about this not really being "about" or featuring prominently Julian as a villain, or even about vengeance. I think I'll write the last act and see what Olive ends up doing, and then re-adjust the premise.

In answer to your questions - this was more inspired by this enraging story of a local Cop who release a domestic violence victim's address to his mate/her attacker...and kept his job. Admittedly, the Baxter thing is in the forefront of my mind because it happened a few streets away from me. I feel a little icky writing about it though.

Re: the graphic-ness of the page 30 scene, totally agree. I think I'm going to make it more implied rather than on-screen.

Thanks again!!!

EDIT: just to help the confusion over the pregnancy test....the opening scene is a dream. Olive is only dreaming that she's pregnant, but when she wakes she decides to rule out the possibility entirely by taking the test. She mentions it in dialogue later that the dream felt like a nightmare - I was trying to establish that Olive would rather not bring another child into the world who Alan could harm.

Ben - read 20 at the car repair shop.

Awesome Title!!!

Generally stellar writing.

I would lose the opening dream - it's confusing and took me a couple of goes to realize it is a dream. If you need to keep it - gives us a better clue that it's a dream. Something like:

Slowly...Olive removes another tooth, white and bloodied.

AN ALARM BEEPS!!!!.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. OLIVE'S BEDROOM - PRESENT DAY

Olive bolts up in bed, examines her stomach - clearly not pregnant.

This:

Quoted Text EXT. NEWBURY HOUSE - DAY ALAN NEWBURY (33), bulky and proudly masculine, opens the door to a car parked in the driveway. The house and street are small-town suburban. It's a new development with full of cheesy "this could be you!" development company billboards. Once in the car, Alan roots through the glove compartment. He retrieves a gift bag. Alan, smiling, returns to the house.

Is a bit backwards - describe the area first - then intro Alan - i.e.,


EXT. NEWBURY HOUSE - DAY

Small-town suburban set in a new development full of
cheesy "this could be you!" development company billboards.

ALAN NEWBURY (33), bulky and proudly masculine, approaches a car
parked in the driveway. He opens the door - enters.

Once in the car, Alan roots through the glove compartment. He
retrieves a gift bag.

Alan, smiling, returns to the house.

MADONNA and BOWIE - not a fan of these names - changes the tone, IMO.

Quoted Text OLIVE (firmly) Kyle, what are you doing? The boy is so shocked that he is wordless, almost fearful.

If you are going to give him a name - just intro him as Kyle rather than boy. It reads awkward for her to refer to him as Kyle and in the next action line he is the boy.

Pages 17 - 20 - you intro a character as POLICE OFFICER - your cast of characters don't know this person. It struck me as odd since you had indicated earlier that it was only a two-cop town. Seems that they should know the woman.

Overalll - good work, IMO

EDIT: ignore this. Was an insane post.

Quoted Text Dave or LC - Did you feel like Julian was a perpetrator of violence even before the reveal? i had tried to drop hints - the desperate gifts, the clinginess, the child-like reliance on Olive (he can't even tie his own daughter's hair) because I don't want audiences to think that she's just fleeing an uncomfortable marriage, rather than saving hr kid's lives (which is what she is actually doing). If he didn't seem like a perp early enough, how could I do that without tipping my hand or veering into Lifetime too much/.

Julian? You mean Alan- yes?

Yep! Good catch by you and silly mistake by me.

I added and fixed the last pages of my scriptment to this thread, edited into my previous comment, If anyone read the 80 pages and was curious.

Spoilers: as to whether Olive's revenge is successful, and why it is even occurs (if it nodes indeed).

And tell me if the ending works (based on the treatment prose, lol)

Quoted from AlsoBen Yep! Good catch by you and silly mistake by me.

Then to answer your question - no - I felt there was just the right amount of forecasting. I knew he was off - but never thought he was that violent

Ben, two things:

I think leave Alan's character as is. There are enough hints he's off kilter and then the later scenes are more impacting because of it.

Olive killing Julian? I think you're veering into the wrong territory there.
You don't want to make her a killer - she might have fantasies about killing him but that just doesn't fit in my book. If she wants to exact some revenge I'd go a more psychological less physical confrontational route. My instincts tell me that tone is just not going to sit well with a wider audience. I could be wrong but turning her from victim to perpetrator?

P.S. I think I did get that opening with Olive being pregnant was a dream, then promptly forgot. Love the tooth bit and the symbolism there.

Thanks again Dave and LC. I deleted some of my more drunk comments in this thread.

I ended up taking your advice LC and not killing Julian. My 1.5 draft is readable here if anyone's interested:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/aeo2s010itp7m9s/cassiopeia.pdf?dl=0

Ben - gave the first 20 a re-read - just a few nit issues

Quoted Text Olive moves slowly, like walking underwater. She opens her mouth to speak: zero sound comes out

Not sure what I am supposed to be seeing here - she opens her mouth to speak - either she is speaking and no sounds come out - or she open her mouth - but there would be no sounds expected if she was speaking - I'd just delete the line after underwater.

Quoted Text Olive wakes in bed. She shoots up. Not pregnant at all. Olive turns to her right; no one else in bed next to her. ALAN NEWBURY (35), kind-faced, handsome, stands over her with a giftbag

Kind of a weird visual - she shoots up in bed - but doesn't notice Alan standing over her???

If you want this effect - then have him enter the room after she bolts up.  It doesn't really make logical sense as is.

Quoted Text OLIVE I should get going. ROBYN See you tonight?

You don't need the above, IMO - earlier in the scene she already said she was coming. I'd just end the scene at the line above this block.

Quoted Text OLIVE (firmly) Kyle, what are you doing? The boy is so shocked that he is wordless, almost fearful.

I'd pick my poison here - either name him or don't. But if you are going to name him - why continue to refer to him as the Boy.