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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  The Truth Will Set You Free (8 Pages) Moderators: bert
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scrawlx101
Posted: April 6th, 2022, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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I would really appreciate some feedback on the following:

Do I have a story/clear theme?

Are my action lines any good?

When introducing characters how should I describe them?

Are there any wasted scenes you recommend I remove?

Here is the google drive link:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1zY0q8EY5RPyUB-dQmhRwtP0WR7nWyF0a/view?usp=sharing

Feedback on the above would be greatly appreciated.
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LC
Posted: April 6th, 2022, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Character descriptions: Biggest tip I can give you is describe your character in the midst of action, e.g., while doing something and saying something that will also give us an indication about character.

A lot of these character descriptions below are too long for a Short, but they're well worth checking out.

https://thescriptlab.com/blogs/15648-best-character-descriptions-screenplays/

And this:

https://www.scriptreaderpro.com/character-description-examples/

At the moment we have no idea how old your characters are or what they look like. We can only guess through dialogue that they're early to mid-twenties?

EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE
Should be : EXT. HOUSE - DAY or NIGHT

Get rid of the scene numbers.They're not needed in a Spec Short.

Proofread to correct your typos of which there are a lot - you have some weird spaces between commas, and no spaces between some periods, the door's stuck is missing an apostrophe, Shan'es apostrophe is misplaced, jimmied not jimmyied, your my mate should be you're my mate,  (contraction of you are). There are you happy now needs correct punctuation. There. Are you happy now? Etcetera...

Story:
You need to ramp up the suspense or at least intrigue, given this is labelled a psychological thriller, (which btw you would not normally write underneath your title) but I take it you did that to guide the reader. Your story should do that on its own however.

At the moment your dialogue is meandering - the guys appear to enjoy shooting the breeze a bit with some mild debate and then one of them gorges biscuits.

I need the threat articulated more. Is this an Escape Room? Okay, it appears to be An 'Honesty Experience Room' - okay, that's a cool idea. Kinda like the spooky version of Monty Python's Argument room.  
I liked the Suited Man's comments regarding it usually being for couples. Maybe you should rewrite it with a couple airing theIf dirty laundry or secrets - this place forces candour, is that right?

One character alludes to the fact the place might be scary. At the moment it needs to be expressed more in vibe and the sequence of events, rather than just telling us it's scary. Pay attention to little details - instead of the door closing, perhaps it slams behind them. But then one of them jimmies it open easily so they're not actually being held there are they, or stuck/imprisoned?

Who is Mr Harrington?
You need relevance to that repeated reference.

How does a corridor look lived in but recently vacant? Do you mean vacated?
Shane's Voice Over? I think you might mean he speaks O.S.?

Shane and Keon are sat opposite.
Should read: Shane and Keon sit opposite each other. If you want to imply one of them has one foot out the door and one is entirely relaxed you need to describe that a bit more e.g. Shane with his feet up on the table is great. Maybe Keon can't stop his leg jiggling up and down because of nerves, or maybe he sweats a lot.?

Overall with a little tweaking your dialogue is not bad in that it's pretty easy on the ear, but as far as escalating plot it just came across as very safe to me and a bit mundane  There doesn't appear to be any dramatic denouement.
You're downplaying your premise imho, and it doesn't quite deliver.

What are the stakes for these characters? Are they in imminent danger?
Is the Suited Man ever a threat? What's the purpose of this place?

I think you might be falling into the trap (all of us have done this at some point) of half the story being in your head and not making it onto the page.

I hope this feedback is constructive for you.
Write another draft for sure. Give us more of everything.


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Roger77
Posted: July 15th, 2022, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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The beginning is not bad. It Establishes that these are two good frat boy friends.

I got a little confused about the story. Things were starting off uplifting, then quickly descends into arguments. Why is one of them appear to be hypnotized on the biscuits?

When the suited man says "usually couples sign up for this". Along with the proceeding note that said "the truth will set you free". I got the feeling that this was about to become some sort of gay story..

Instead of it mainly being a conflict between the characters, maybe you should introduce more external factors like haunted house stuff such as moving walls, door, etc. Check out the backrooms for reference.

You could still have some conflict between them. Maybe one of the rooms amplifies anger, so they start fighting, but they figure it out.

Or another room makes them extremally hungry, hence the biscuits.



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