Hey,

Came across something I started last year that I'm hoping to complete soon.

First 30 or so pages of a coming-of-age drama.

An innocent 13 year old girl from a dysfunctional family emulates her more experienced cousin in pursuing an adult man. Over time, she continues to place herself in vulnerable situations with him, culminating in an act of criminal violence that will define her for the rest of her life.

Tone is a slow-burn with heightening tension, but I'm worried that not enough has happened in 30 pages for me to continue without scrapping and starting fresh.

Any thoughts?

Title is a joke working title - I'd love any title suggestions too!

LINK TO DRAFT

Hey Ben,

I've never attempted a coming-of-age story, and it's been a while since I've watched one.  So if I'm way off... My apologies in advance.  

It read smoothly.  I don't think you need to start from scratch.  I would play around with switching/ adding scenes to capitalize on what you've written.   For example...

For the opening scene,  Magnolia rips into Ruby over something.  That's pretty harsh stuff telling a kid they ruined your life, especially since she has had more kids.  I think it adds empathy for Ruby pretty quickly.    In the scene on page 16 at the bottom where James talks about the dog mum rejecting the puppies, Ruby says something about how she can relate.

I would also ponder the thought of maybe having Lara and Ruby hang out before the pool scene.    Lara goes on about how she loves chilling with older guys.  It blows Ruby's mind.   Lara explains what she thinks are the benefits.    Then when Ruby gets approached for a ride, she has this false perspective that Lara has put in her head and has two prospects for her to show Lara.  

James came across to me as a groomer how he was showing the puppies,  calling her a kid, giving her advice,  gauging where he stands, etc...  Along with the messy house.   It just added up to an icky vibe.  Do you think it would add anything if Neil tagged along to the party?   He tells Ruby he wants to go meet older women.  She lets him, but he's really going to make sure nothing terrible happens to Ruby.  James catches on and gets him out of the way.  Neil ends up being her voice of reason character.  

I felt terrible for Ruby.  Her dad is having a kid with another woman after she hasn't heard from him in a long time.  That stacked with problems with her Mom,  I can see how it would be easy for her to get twisted up and make bad decisions.   I hope she comes out on the other end okay.  

When Ruby got caught with James by her dad,  I thought she would tell him to hit the gas and run off with him.  

I'm guessing the decision of dad keeping his mouth shut will come back to bite him down the road.

I think you will get this dialed in just fine.   If I didn't    
touch on something you were hoping I would talk about,  feel free to ask me if you think I can help.

Bottom line with how you have it.  If there were more pages, I would still be reading.

I'll have to think about titles.   The one you currently have has a ring to it.  From your logline, it sounds like she will need a couple of boxes by the time her journey is over.

Good luck with it!

Thanks Kevin. This is really helpful. Sometimes I sit with a script for a while and come back to it confused what I thought I liked about it, so it's good to know at least one person has seen the same thing.

I was trying - and plan to continue to try - to avoid any after school special/bad girl gets in trouble exploitative vibes, any tips there? I want this as grounded as possible and I don't want the tory to be punishing Ruby for being curious and normal as a teenager (or to imply that sexuality is necessarily bad for girls).

Hey Ben

You're welcome...   Some stories you have to let simmer for a while.    It didn't give me any after-school vibe.    

These are just off-the-cuff ideas.  Maybe she witnesses some crazy shit when she goes over to James?  Something like a violent overdose to some tweaker doing something crazy to get their fix.  For example, the person with the drugs forces the person wanting the drugs to do something vile.

What if there is a boy around her age there that acts like a "grown man?  " He has tattoos.  Already has a kid.  James gets jealous and whips his ass.   This boy has done more than most 30-year-olds so to speak.   This kid and Ruby get smitten and he asks Ruby to help him plan James's death.  They have to steal a gun etc.   Maybe he asks Ruby to tease James along.  To get everything they can get out of him before he's killed.   She holds James off as long as she can, but he wants sex.  She goes and tells the boy James has given her the ultimatum.   She is devastated when he tells her to do it.  James and the boy both die in the end.  The kid kills James and starts getting chased by the police on his way back to Ruby.  The cops shoot him right in front of Ruby.  It's actually a blessing because if he would got caught he would have dragged Ruby down with him.  

But this may help you more than I could:

Have you ever heard of the movie KIDS?    It was a controversial movie back in 95.  It used to be banned/ may still be in many countries.  Here is the script for it.  Check it out and see if it helps get the creative vibes flowing.    It's about a teen boy, but you may be able to spin something into your own.

https://www.scriptslug.com/assets/scripts/kids-1995.pdf

Yep, I've seen Kids.

I'm trying to avoid a Kids/Larry Clark vibe, to be honest. I love the movie (and his earlier movies), but the provocative "teen nudity and sex scenes and kids doing drugs" vibe is very 90s.