Script

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QnhDYEsc0oYa9JN6spV_fTaNMM0SlHFq/view?usp=share_linkg

Teaser Trailer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYd5Ru7jvDU

Looking for some feedback on a script I wrote for a short action film based in the 1940's. Two brothers are wanted by the mafia for not paying off a loan, leading to shootouts and car chases around town.

Something I'm possibly looking for is more things for Robert to say. I would like some friendly banter to occur before and after the race. I'm not sure which one should win either.  The end of the race is kind of a dead area of the script until they get back to where the other characters are.

Another thing I might be looking for are more ideas to make the interactions with the girls more flirty or interesting. I want to make the interaction with Sandra more sexual while Anna a little more goofy/comic relief. They are both trying to distract them from the hitmen.

Any feedback is appreciated, thanks!

Hey Luke, welcome to SS.

First thing you need to do is download screenwriting software.
As a Spec writer your formatting is way off and needs to adhere to Industry Standard.
Here's a link to some freebie software, and other software that offers free trials.

You need to get the formatting correct first, and you need to read scripts - amateur and Pro to see how the correct formatting works and how it looks.

https://screencraft.org/blog/best-free-screenwriting-software/

At the moment you appear to be taking a wing and a prayer approach aka stab in the dark where screenwriting is concerned. I don't mean that in a disrespectful way, you just need the right tools of the trade to make the job a lot more effortless.

The good news is every resource for screenwriters is on the Net today and freely available.

After you've had a good look at how things are set out to Industry Standard formatting then look at the plethora of scripts out there that you can study.

I'd advise you to download:
The Untouchables (just search title screenplay PDF download) Goodfellas, The Road to Perdition, and any drama set in the 40s, as yours, is to gain insight into style and story, dialogue, action, etc.

** Just remember:
A spec script should NEVER contain the elements of a shooting script (i.e., the Pro scripts). The biggest mistake a new screenwriter can make is to submit a script full of production language, including camera angles and editing transitions.

Read the basics. There are plenty of resources like this one (below) re format.
https://writersstore.com/blogs/news/how-to-write-a-screenplay-a-guide-to-scriptwriting

Re your script, you need some description of where we actually are before your narrator starts talking. And it would be formatted like this:

                JOHN (V.O.)

Give OPPONENT a name. Give him a short description, age, manner, physique etc.

CAP all characters when they are first introduced (when we first see them).
Give us a brief description of the characters upon this intro too.

Where are we? You need to give a clear indication of where your script is set.

You could Superimpose the place and time.

CAP Sam, give us a description of him too.

Describe the Starter (don't call her that, btw) give her a name, age, dress, manner etc. Give us some set-up. (Same as above).
We can't know (as you've written) that the Starter is the 'Opponent's Girlfriend' just by you telling us. You need to show us their relationship in action.

Keep Description/ Action lines to four sentences to begin with. And try to write them as shots you see in your head and what you want your audience to see, as if we're watching your film.

Instead of 'After the race' you need a scene header.
But before that you need more detail of the actual drag-race. Don't skip over that scene, it's your intro and can be an exciting scene to show. Perhaps add another element of danger to the competition, maybe a bet between the two characters, add some stakes. Use it also to show character strength and rivalry.

You're taking short cuts because you don't know (yet) exactly how screenwriting works.

It's your job to choreograph the action through your writing.

Another thing:
Instead of -
John gets a flashback
He is remembering
-'you need to format this as a Flashback in a proper scene header.

At some point you need to END FLASHBACK and go
BACK TO SCENE too.

Mob Girl and Mob Girl 2 need names. They also need descriptions, ages.
How do we know they work for the Mob?

Avoid using All Caps in dialogue.
Avoid extraneous parentheticals.
Describe the character's wounds, describe the blood.
Avoid things like (makes hurting noises) - howls in agony would be better, for example.

Study the basics.
Download the Software.

Oh, and by your own admission your dialogue needs work. It's too pedestrian at the moment.
Download scripts by some of the masters of dialogue:
Tarantino, Mamet, Diablo Cody, Nora Ephron, Woody Allen.
Read some film noir masters too.

Listen to the way people speak, eavesdrop on conversations etc.

https://screencraft.org/blog/15-movies-screenwriters-should-watch-to-study-dialogue/

I hope you take this in the spirit intended and I hope it helps.
Read and absorb, find your own voice, and then post another draft.

thanks for the reply. I'll format it better.

I'm curious what parts of the dialog needs work. I mentioned some parts that I was looking for help with.

What does pedestrian mean?

I'm so glad you responded.
The problem with giving people feedback (especially new members new to the craft) is you run the risk of offending and don't want to run people off, so I'm glad you're receptive.

Pedestrian just means it's a little lifeless and stilted, and to tell you the truth it's also not that credible.
No matter how evolved these women are it's unlikely they'd be so patently obvious as to their (seductive intentions). It kinda makes the guys look a bit dumb too.  For the reader there's context to their motives too, with you explicitly called them Mob Girls - implying that they're involvement is to entrap these guys . Better if you give them names and leave it as a big reveal later. Maybe one of them actually falls for one of the guys which would add another layer to your story. Watching your film however we'd never know they're involved with the Mob.

You need to give us dialogue that is unexpected. You need to give us repartee, banter, the push/pull between the sexes. Nothing is this easy (even if these girls have an agenda, which I'm assuming they do): and unless these guys are completely clueless they'd suspect something is up surely, even if the guys look like God's Gifts.

This is the link to the script to Body Heat, one of my favourite scripts by Lawrence Kasdan.
Scroll down to the introductory scene between the two leads, Matty and Racine. Read how the dialogue is alternately funny, seductive, intriguing, combative, teasing and surprising. They're not simply saying hi back and forth, and 'you look gorgeous- - it's much more layered.

https://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/BodyHeat.pdf

I was wondering if it would be better to tell the audience that the girls are part of the mob prior to the scene, or reveal it as it is happening.

If I reveal it as its happening, then I should probably give enough clues that they are working for the mob. The only indication so far is mob girl 1 nods at one of the hitmen, giving him the ok to fire.

One of them does become suspicious as this is happening (Sam). But this is all happening quickly. I was thinking of inserting a few shots of suspicious men moving around the room as they are talking to the girls, possibly raising suspicion from the audience that the girls are part of a ruse.

Another idea was for John to start to realize what's going on, but keeps talking to the girl as to not alert the mob. Then at the right moment he whips his gun out and fires the first shot.

My advice is refine that later, Luke.

Download software, get your formatting in order and concentrate on dialogue as a priority.

I updated the script and made a Teaser trailer for the film
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYd5Ru7jvDU

I haven't read the script yet, but I think the teaser is really cool.  Looks, feels and sounds first rate.