Hey All,

We're gearing up to shoot a short film in September based on a script I wrote a few years back. We actually have the opportunity to shoot at a smallish lighthouse here on Lake Erie and wanted to take advantage of it. I think my last couple of films may not have been as good as they possibly could've been because I really didn't seek out any honest opinions on the story before we shot it. I'm hoping to get a couple of reads and maybe some notes on this while there's still time to amend it. Or even scrap it all together and write a new story to take advantage of the setting better. If anyone can give it a look and let me know what they think, I'd be happy to return the favor. It's just a seven pager.

The link is below, I didn't want to ask Don to host it on the site. I also attached a picture of the lighthouse for a visual.  Thanks in advance and I'm always happy to return a read.

James




https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yCCtHU4RdqWCsY3TU4LPm-I1NYp2mAA5/view?usp=sharing

Hey James, giving this a read.

By the by, great pic. Possibility you could re-size smaller? The font on the thread is now tiny.

Great trailer for 'Treatment'.

Thanks, Libby

I’ve tried 6 different pics from their Facebook page and they all came out huge on here. I’m at the mercy of my phone throughout the day today. I’ll try to find something smaller later this evening.

Glad you liked our trailer. I’ll have that film out by Halloween. Just waiting on the announcements from a few festivals we entered it into.

James.

What a GREAT opportunity to be able to shoot a short at such a visually stunning and interesting place! Thanks for providing the pic. It helped me see the whole thing.

As far as the story goes, I don't really have any suggestions. It works as is. A nice ghost/love story. If I were to ask a question, it would be, what is a gypsy dress? I'm sure you will dress Florence in some way that gives us the idea of who she is right away. I could suggest a different name other than Florence, but her name is never mentioned so that wouldn't really change anything.

In other words, great story. Ignore my useless comments and Good Luck.  

Hey, mate - gave it a read.

Keep in mind that I am somewhat incompetent in this genre. Anyway:

I thought you had a great starting premise - i.e., if you could exchange years of your life to reunite with lost loved ones - would you?

But you kind of punted that premise here:

Quoted Text FLORENCE Whatever you gave up in there comes back to you someday when you least expect it. And you don’t really lose any years off your life. I just ask that to find out how close to the edge you were.

Felt like the rug was pulled out of me.

I don't think you need John (at least not as a ghost)  and again, it kind of goes away from the core premise - you get to see the person you miss most - but she gets to see two??

My suggestions for what they are worth.

Pick on or the other to appear (John or her son Gavin  - my personal choice would be Gavin).

When she steps on that ledge  - have Gavin in the clouds. Telling her sorry, Mommy I couldn't stay, it was time to go (maybe he is even holding one of those stuffed animals she brought). That they will meet again, but it's not right now. She'll ask why - He'll respond that Natalie is going to need a Mommy too. She'll ask - Natalie...? He'll say - she's in you now. She'll step off the rail, and place her hand on her belly ... A tear trickles down a smiling face.

If you want John - I'd consider having him as a live person - banging in total panic on that lighthouse door as she teeters on that ledge outside

Then you can end with her opening the door to him - now, somewhat at peace.

AND - should you decide to go this way - have John (maybe make him a cop or something) shaking down Florence to get the detail of the set-up (i.e., his wife is missing and he knows that Florence was the last person she saw).

And if you aren't going to follow through with you lose years thing - maybe consider something like:

FLORENCE (V.O.)

When the sun sets, the person you
miss the most will appear. And when
it rises they will be gone again.
Remember, the time you spend with
them may enhance your life... Or, may
simply end it.

Or forget all of this - like I said - I am really inexperienced in Horror.

Hi James,

Great location!

I enjoyed this for the most part but agree with Dave about the rug being pulled out. Either don't even mention the getting old thing or follow through. I personally think it's much more interesting to follow through as then you have some really big stakes. It would obviously mean some practical effects/makeup but if you get it right it would totally be worth it.

Another thing I thought was that if the kid is going to be missing in the morning, give us a reason... one being that when she goes outside she might see a jacket or something floating in the water alluding to the fact that he wondered off and drowned 'again' and that it was just the same inevitability of death. Then have her ready go kill herself and add Dave's ending.

I think this will turn out great.

On a random tangent. I'm hoping to film my first of many films in December and I was wondering if you could share what kit you use. I'm currently looking to invest in some of my own gear (lighting, audio, camera, lenses, drone etc)

Good luck with the short!

Hey, thanks for the notes so far. I saw Pia's comments and started to think I had a winner here, then Dave and Warren had to chime in... Sigh.

Just kidding, this is what I need to look at. Obviously some issues sticking with more than one person here.

Quoted from Grandma Bear If I were to ask a question, it would be, what is a gypsy dress? I'm sure you will dress Florence in some way that gives us the idea of who she is right away. I could suggest a different name other than Florence, but her name is never mentioned so that wouldn't really change anything.

I thought of her as someone who looks like she'd work behind a beaded curtain with a crystal ball. Like a fortune teller or card reader. We haven't casted that part or locked it down yet, the image just popped into my head. They always seem to wear very colorful and flamboyant dresses with busy patterns.

Thanks for checking this out, Dave. And I do think it's more in your wheelhouse than plain horror. This is more like supernatural drama in my opinion. Something I'm not really used to writing.

Quoted from Eldave1 don't think you need John (at least not as a ghost)  and again, it kind of goes away from the core premise - you get to see the person you miss most - but she gets to see two??

I see your point. John isn't really seen. He just calls out to her before she gives up. And he certainly doesn't stick around, but I get it. I originally had him as a voice in the sky. That seemed a bit heavy handed on film. I thought maybe his outline standing way down the pier would make for better imagery. We're using my 5 year old son for Gavin. He can pull of a "Hi, Mommy" and smile but not much else under pressure. So I don't think I could use him as you suggested.

Quoted from Eldave1   He'll respond that Natalie is going to need a Mommy too. She'll ask - Natalie...? He'll say - she's in you now. She'll step off the rail, and place her hand on her belly ... A tear trickles down a smiling face.

This is an interesting idea. Her being pregnant. I'll have to chew on that one a bit, but I really wanted the ghost in the lighthouse to be the reason she endures. I tried to imagine someone who lost everything. Her child and husband, probably on the same day in a tragic event. The only thing that would keep her going is the notion that she will see them again.

This was like therapeutic writing from my agnostic point of view. I don't believe there's anything after this, but I hope there is. And I didn't want to show it through the lens of a church or any religion. But, that also means I haven't really removed myself from the story and my point of view on it is jaded. So I'm not dismissing this, just going to need to think on it awhile.

Quoted from Eldave1 FLORENCE (V.O.) When the sun sets, the person you miss the most will appear. And when it rises they will be gone again. Remember, the time you spend with them may enhance your life... Or, may simply end it.

I really like the way you worded that here. It makes more sense.

Thanks for the notes, Dave. You really gave me a lot to think about.

Quoted from Warren Another thing I thought was that if the kid is going to be missing in the morning, give us a reason... one being that when she goes outside she might see a jacket or something floating in the water alluding to the fact that he wondered off and drowned 'again' and that it was just the same inevitability of death. Then have her ready go kill herself and add Dave's ending.

Thanks for the read, Warren. This is something I'll have to address. Why is he gone before sunrise? Well, because as a writer I needed to push her to the edge... and that's not good writing. I don't think I'll show anything that would suggest he drown. I think that might be too dark. But I could have her wake up too late. Her phone died. She set it to PM on accident. Or the ghost even turned it off.

Some great things to mull over for the next few weeks and give this some rewrites.

Quoted from Warren On a random tangent. I'm hoping to film my first of many films in December and I was wondering if you could share what kit you use. I'm currently looking to invest in some of my own gear (lighting, audio, camera, lenses, drone etc)

I could talk gear for hours and some would even say I have a problem with acquiring too much of it (my wife). Short answer:

Camera: Canon C200 but recently switched to Sony A7Siii - still trying to figure out why I did that.
Lighting: Apurture 120D, 300D and lots of little lights.
sound: Sound Devices Mixpre3, Sennheiser MKH416 boom mic and AVX lav mics.
Drone: DJI MAVIC PRO 2.

Good luck on your shooting adventure. Watch guys like Film Riot and Studio Binder on Youtube. Great insight in there. Cameras are bad investments, maybe fetch a 3-4 year old one starting out. Good lenses hold their value well over time. Learn how to light a scene - spend time with any film crews working in your area if they'll let you. You can always PM me if you have questions.

Cheers,

James

No problem, great little story you have no matter what way you take it.

Thanks for the list, it's pretty darn close to (almost exactly) what I'm looking at.

Camera:Sony A7Siii with some GM Primes (24, 35, 50, 85, and maybe 135)
Lighting: Was going to go the Aputure 300x for a little more options or maybe even a 600x. Then a few P60C's to round it out.
Sound: Zoom F8N Pro, Sennheisser 416 and a few Sanken COS-11D Omni Lavaliers
Drone: DJI Mavic Air 2S

Was also thinking a DJI RS3 Pro and a Atomos Ninja V+

Obviously stands and tripods and cages and filters and so many bits and pieces, but the above is the core of it.

Are you not happy with the Sony A7Siii?

Sorry to hijack your thread but keeping it top of pile either way

And thanks, still a lot of work to do before any of it becomes a reality, but I'm learning a lot.

Quoted from Warren Camera:Sony A7Siii with some GM Primes (24, 35, 50, 85, and maybe 135) Lighting: Was going to go the Aputure 300x for a little more options or maybe even a 600x. Then a few P60C's to round it out. Sound: Zoom F8N Pro, Sennheisser 416 and a few Sanken COS-11D Omni Lavaliers Drone: DJI Mavic Air 2S Was also thinking a DJI RS3 Pro and a Atomos Ninja V+ Obviously stands and tripods and cages and filters and so many bits and pieces, but the above is the core of it.

Well I hope you have deep pockets because that’s a lot of expensive gear. I have a love/hate relationship with the A7Siii. It does have industry leading focusing system and it doesn’t disappoint but I am recording RAW to a ninja and you see how noisy this camera really is. The internal codecs denoise a ton but it doesn’t work in RAW. Watch this guy’s take on it if you haven’t already.

https://youtu.be/EmiEQq2MAeU

Having all the gear you need isn’t a replacement for people who know how to use it efficiently. I do way too much on my own, but it’s just an expensive hobby for me. Lots of film makers out here that don’t own a single piece of gear. They pay people to use their own and I sometimes wonder if that’s not the better way to go. Either way, every film you make will still cost you money even if you already have everything.

Best of luck with it all. I’ll look forward to seeing your work once you start producing. Either way it’s an enlightening experience for sure. It’ll change the way you write. You’ll be visualizing the scenes a lot more once you’re thinking about how you’d film them.

James.

I would agree with Jay here about the gear. In 2006 I sold my last horse and took that money and bought the hottest gear on the market at the time. I think I spent about $15k, back then... What did I learn? It takes a LOT of practice to learn how to use it all. Something I never mastered btw. Then a year or two later, new cameras especially came out and in another year or so my once "super cool" camera and computer were obsolete. I learned that everything evolves and improves and to keep current with everything costs a LOT of money. Since then, I have given away most of my gear and now I hire pros to take care of that part, so all I have to worry about on set is the actors and directing them. I can feel confident that the DP is going to make things look good and the audio person will capture good sound and the editor will do his/her magic and make it all come together in the end. It might sound expensive to hire professionals, but I think that you'll find it's worth it in the long run.

Quoted Text Thanks for the notes, Dave. You really gave me a lot to think about.

My pleasure - looking forward to seeing this

James,

Here are my notes from your script. The Breakwater notes

I realize that you're probably past the rewrite stage so a lot of my notes are just about format and readability. Take them with a grain of salt.

I agree that Lara should age after this ordeal. Maybe just give her some gray hairs and a few extra wrinkles. Something to show she was willing to pay any price.

This has a bit of a Stephen King vibe to it... Word Processer of the Gods and Pet Sematary come to mind. Just less on the murderous toddlers.

I feel like the voice over of Florence needs to come in right away almost as though she's walking us through the process as Lara does each step. It would take some reworking of each scene but I think it would add a bit of mystery as the story moves along.

Good luck.

-Jordan

Quoted from jwent6688 Well I hope you have deep pockets because that’s a lot of expensive gear. I have a love/hate relationship with the A7Siii. It does have industry leading focusing system and it doesn’t disappoint but I am recording RAW to a ninja and you see how noisy this camera really is. The internal codecs denoise a ton but it doesn’t work in RAW. Watch this guy’s take on it if you haven’t already. https://youtu.be/EmiEQq2MAeU Having all the gear you need isn’t a replacement for people who know how to use it efficiently. I do way too much on my own, but it’s just an expensive hobby for me. Lots of film makers out here that don’t own a single piece of gear. They pay people to use their own and I sometimes wonder if that’s not the better way to go. Either way, every film you make will still cost you money even if you already have everything. Best of luck with it all. I’ll look forward to seeing your work once you start producing. Either way it’s an enlightening experience for sure. It’ll change the way you write. You’ll be visualizing the scenes a lot more once you’re thinking about how you’d film them. James.

Yes definitely not cheap, but I'm the kind of person who likes to go all in

Would also just be an expensive hobby, not looking to make it big in Hollywood but like the idea of slowly learning all the parts myself along the way.

Thanks for the link, I have seen this one.

I'm sure a lot of mistakes are going to be made but the process will be fun.

Looking forward to The Breakwater

Quoted from Nomad James, Here are my notes from your script. The Breakwater notes

Thanks Nomad, that's a lot of red ink. Trust me, I've given up on writing at the higher levels and script contests a long time ago. My writing lacks, but many of those flaws disappear once you put it to film.

Quoted from Nomad I agree that Lara should age after this ordeal. Maybe just give her some gray hairs and a few extra wrinkles. Something to show she was willing to pay any price.

I'm leaning towards removing that from the script altogether and using something Dave suggested in the dialogue. Besides, I don't have access to real good makeup FX artists for this one.

Quoted from Nomad I feel like the voice over of Florence needs to come in right away almost as though she's walking us through the process as Lara does each step. It would take some reworking of each scene but I think it would add a bit of mystery as the story moves along.

The way I imagine this is as a slow motion montage of them reconnecting during the voice over. And it just makes this part easier to film. It won't require any acting on part of the 5 year old. We just have to catch his laughter and smiles on camera here and there.

And thanks for the notes. Nothing is locked until we shoot so this will go through at least a couple of rewrites.

James

James, I didn't read other's comments, just a few of my thoughts without influence.

The nuclear power plant throws me. As part of the opening description I kept thinking it had some intrinsic part to play but I don't think it does.

I love the atmosphere of this. A lighthouse is a perfect setting. I imagine it wouldn't be easy to Film on the one hand, but on the other could be spectacularly beautiful.

I risk being unpopular here but honestly the story was a bit underwhelming for me. The drama seems to get to a point but then is diffused somehow. I got to the point of thinking something terrible was going to happen and then there didn't appear to be consequences for Lara at all. I also found Florence's comments about 'losing time' contradictory. Is Florence even necessary? I found her a bit annoying.

The losing years off your life as a trade-off (and her being able to enter another dimension to see her child) were the most compelling parts of the story for me, and really made me sit up and take notice. I just wanted more.

Then again, I could be completely thick and vital bits might be going over my head.

I do know your filming gets better and better with each outing so regardless I know you'll do a great job.