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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Looking for some pre-production notes on a short. Moderators: bert
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  Author    Looking for some pre-production notes on a short.  (currently 1823 views)
jwent6688
Posted: July 19th, 2022, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey All,

We're gearing up to shoot a short film in September based on a script I wrote a few years back. We actually have the opportunity to shoot at a smallish lighthouse here on Lake Erie and wanted to take advantage of it. I think my last couple of films may not have been as good as they possibly could've been because I really didn't seek out any honest opinions on the story before we shot it. I'm hoping to get a couple of reads and maybe some notes on this while there's still time to amend it. Or even scrap it all together and write a new story to take advantage of the setting better. If anyone can give it a look and let me know what they think, I'd be happy to return the favor. It's just a seven pager.

The link is below, I didn't want to ask Don to host it on the site. I also attached a picture of the lighthouse for a visual.  Thanks in advance and I'm always happy to return a read.

James




https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yCCtHU4RdqWCsY3TU4LPm-I1NYp2mAA5/view?usp=sharing



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jwent6688  -  July 20th, 2022, 9:16am
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LC
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Hey James, giving this a read.

By the by, great pic. Possibility you could re-size smaller? The font on the thread is now tiny.

Great trailer for 'Treatment'.


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jwent6688
Posted: July 20th, 2022, 9:00am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Libby

I’ve tried 6 different pics from their Facebook page and they all came out huge on here. I’m at the mercy of my phone throughout the day today. I’ll try to find something smaller later this evening.

Glad you liked our trailer. I’ll have that film out by Halloween. Just waiting on the announcements from a few festivals we entered it into.

James.


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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 20th, 2022, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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What a GREAT opportunity to be able to shoot a short at such a visually stunning and interesting place! Thanks for providing the pic. It helped me see the whole thing.

As far as the story goes, I don't really have any suggestions. It works as is. A nice ghost/love story. If I were to ask a question, it would be, what is a gypsy dress? I'm sure you will dress Florence in some way that gives us the idea of who she is right away. I could suggest a different name other than Florence, but her name is never mentioned so that wouldn't really change anything.

In other words, great story. Ignore my useless comments and Good Luck.  


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eldave1
Posted: July 20th, 2022, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, mate - gave it a read.

Keep in mind that I am somewhat incompetent in this genre. Anyway:

I thought you had a great starting premise - i.e., if you could exchange years of your life to reunite with lost loved ones - would you?

But you kind of punted that premise here:


Quoted Text
FLORENCE

Whatever you gave up in there comes
back to you someday when you least
expect it. And you don’t really
lose any years off your life. I
just ask that to find out how close
to the edge you were.


Felt like the rug was pulled out of me.

I don't think you need John (at least not as a ghost)  and again, it kind of goes away from the core premise - you get to see the person you miss most - but she gets to see two??

My suggestions for what they are worth.

Pick on or the other to appear (John or her son Gavin  - my personal choice would be Gavin).

When she steps on that ledge  - have Gavin in the clouds. Telling her sorry, Mommy I couldn't stay, it was time to go (maybe he is even holding one of those stuffed animals she brought). That they will meet again, but it's not right now. She'll ask why - He'll respond that Natalie is going to need a Mommy too. She'll ask - Natalie...? He'll say - she's in you now. She'll step off the rail, and place her hand on her belly ... A tear trickles down a smiling face.

If you want John - I'd consider having him as a live person - banging in total panic on that lighthouse door as she teeters on that ledge outside

Then you can end with her opening the door to him - now, somewhat at peace.

AND - should you decide to go this way - have John (maybe make him a cop or something) shaking down Florence to get the detail of the set-up (i.e., his wife is missing and he knows that Florence was the last person she saw).

And if you aren't going to follow through with you lose years thing - maybe consider something like:

FLORENCE (V.O.)

When the sun sets, the person you
miss the most will appear. And when
it rises they will be gone again.
Remember, the time you spend with
them may enhance your life... Or, may
simply end it.

Or forget all of this - like I said - I am really inexperienced in Horror.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: July 20th, 2022, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hi James,

Great location!

I enjoyed this for the most part but agree with Dave about the rug being pulled out. Either don't even mention the getting old thing or follow through. I personally think it's much more interesting to follow through as then you have some really big stakes. It would obviously mean some practical effects/makeup but if you get it right it would totally be worth it.

Another thing I thought was that if the kid is going to be missing in the morning, give us a reason... one being that when she goes outside she might see a jacket or something floating in the water alluding to the fact that he wondered off and drowned 'again' and that it was just the same inevitability of death. Then have her ready go kill herself and add Dave's ending.

I think this will turn out great.

On a random tangent. I'm hoping to film my first of many films in December and I was wondering if you could share what kit you use. I'm currently looking to invest in some of my own gear (lighting, audio, camera, lenses, drone etc)

Good luck with the short!


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jwent6688
Posted: July 20th, 2022, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the notes so far. I saw Pia's comments and started to think I had a winner here, then Dave and Warren had to chime in... Sigh.

Just kidding, this is what I need to look at. Obviously some issues sticking with more than one person here.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
If I were to ask a question, it would be, what is a gypsy dress? I'm sure you will dress Florence in some way that gives us the idea of who she is right away. I could suggest a different name other than Florence, but her name is never mentioned so that wouldn't really change anything.


I thought of her as someone who looks like she'd work behind a beaded curtain with a crystal ball. Like a fortune teller or card reader. We haven't casted that part or locked it down yet, the image just popped into my head. They always seem to wear very colorful and flamboyant dresses with busy patterns.

Thanks for checking this out, Dave. And I do think it's more in your wheelhouse than plain horror. This is more like supernatural drama in my opinion. Something I'm not really used to writing.


Quoted from Eldave1
don't think you need John (at least not as a ghost)  and again, it kind of goes away from the core premise - you get to see the person you miss most - but she gets to see two??


I see your point. John isn't really seen. He just calls out to her before she gives up. And he certainly doesn't stick around, but I get it. I originally had him as a voice in the sky. That seemed a bit heavy handed on film. I thought maybe his outline standing way down the pier would make for better imagery. We're using my 5 year old son for Gavin. He can pull of a "Hi, Mommy" and smile but not much else under pressure. So I don't think I could use him as you suggested.


Quoted from Eldave1
  He'll respond that Natalie is going to need a Mommy too. She'll ask - Natalie...? He'll say - she's in you now. She'll step off the rail, and place her hand on her belly ... A tear trickles down a smiling face.


This is an interesting idea. Her being pregnant. I'll have to chew on that one a bit, but I really wanted the ghost in the lighthouse to be the reason she endures. I tried to imagine someone who lost everything. Her child and husband, probably on the same day in a tragic event. The only thing that would keep her going is the notion that she will see them again.

This was like therapeutic writing from my agnostic point of view. I don't believe there's anything after this, but I hope there is. And I didn't want to show it through the lens of a church or any religion. But, that also means I haven't really removed myself from the story and my point of view on it is jaded. So I'm not dismissing this, just going to need to think on it awhile.


Quoted from Eldave1
FLORENCE (V.O.)

When the sun sets, the person you
miss the most will appear. And when
it rises they will be gone again.
Remember, the time you spend with
them may enhance your life... Or, may
simply end it.


I really like the way you worded that here. It makes more sense.

Thanks for the notes, Dave. You really gave me a lot to think about.



Quoted from Warren
Another thing I thought was that if the kid is going to be missing in the morning, give us a reason... one being that when she goes outside she might see a jacket or something floating in the water alluding to the fact that he wondered off and drowned 'again' and that it was just the same inevitability of death. Then have her ready go kill herself and add Dave's ending.


Thanks for the read, Warren. This is something I'll have to address. Why is he gone before sunrise? Well, because as a writer I needed to push her to the edge... and that's not good writing. I don't think I'll show anything that would suggest he drown. I think that might be too dark. But I could have her wake up too late. Her phone died. She set it to PM on accident. Or the ghost even turned it off.

Some great things to mull over for the next few weeks and give this some rewrites.


Quoted from Warren
On a random tangent. I'm hoping to film my first of many films in December and I was wondering if you could share what kit you use. I'm currently looking to invest in some of my own gear (lighting, audio, camera, lenses, drone etc)


I could talk gear for hours and some would even say I have a problem with acquiring too much of it (my wife). Short answer:

Camera: Canon C200 but recently switched to Sony A7Siii - still trying to figure out why I did that.
Lighting: Apurture 120D, 300D and lots of little lights.
sound: Sound Devices Mixpre3, Sennheiser MKH416 boom mic and AVX lav mics.
Drone: DJI MAVIC PRO 2.

Good luck on your shooting adventure. Watch guys like Film Riot and Studio Binder on Youtube. Great insight in there. Cameras are bad investments, maybe fetch a 3-4 year old one starting out. Good lenses hold their value well over time. Learn how to light a scene - spend time with any film crews working in your area if they'll let you. You can always PM me if you have questions.

Cheers,

James










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Warren
Posted: July 20th, 2022, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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No problem, great little story you have no matter what way you take it.

Thanks for the list, it's pretty darn close to (almost exactly) what I'm looking at.

Camera:Sony A7Siii with some GM Primes (24, 35, 50, 85, and maybe 135)
Lighting: Was going to go the Aputure 300x for a little more options or maybe even a 600x. Then a few P60C's to round it out.
Sound: Zoom F8N Pro, Sennheisser 416 and a few Sanken COS-11D Omni Lavaliers
Drone: DJI Mavic Air 2S

Was also thinking a DJI RS3 Pro and a Atomos Ninja V+

Obviously stands and tripods and cages and filters and so many bits and pieces, but the above is the core of it.

Are you not happy with the Sony A7Siii?

Sorry to hijack your thread but keeping it top of pile either way

And thanks, still a lot of work to do before any of it becomes a reality, but I'm learning a lot.


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jwent6688
Posted: July 21st, 2022, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren

Camera:Sony A7Siii with some GM Primes (24, 35, 50, 85, and maybe 135)
Lighting: Was going to go the Aputure 300x for a little more options or maybe even a 600x. Then a few P60C's to round it out.
Sound: Zoom F8N Pro, Sennheisser 416 and a few Sanken COS-11D Omni Lavaliers
Drone: DJI Mavic Air 2S

Was also thinking a DJI RS3 Pro and a Atomos Ninja V+

Obviously stands and tripods and cages and filters and so many bits and pieces, but the above is the core of it.


Well I hope you have deep pockets because that’s a lot of expensive gear. I have a love/hate relationship with the A7Siii. It does have industry leading focusing system and it doesn’t disappoint but I am recording RAW to a ninja and you see how noisy this camera really is. The internal codecs denoise a ton but it doesn’t work in RAW. Watch this guy’s take on it if you haven’t already.

https://youtu.be/EmiEQq2MAeU

Having all the gear you need isn’t a replacement for people who know how to use it efficiently. I do way too much on my own, but it’s just an expensive hobby for me. Lots of film makers out here that don’t own a single piece of gear. They pay people to use their own and I sometimes wonder if that’s not the better way to go. Either way, every film you make will still cost you money even if you already have everything.

Best of luck with it all. I’ll look forward to seeing your work once you start producing. Either way it’s an enlightening experience for sure. It’ll change the way you write. You’ll be visualizing the scenes a lot more once you’re thinking about how you’d film them.

James.





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Grandma Bear
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I would agree with Jay here about the gear. In 2006 I sold my last horse and took that money and bought the hottest gear on the market at the time. I think I spent about $15k, back then... What did I learn? It takes a LOT of practice to learn how to use it all. Something I never mastered btw. Then a year or two later, new cameras especially came out and in another year or so my once "super cool" camera and computer were obsolete. I learned that everything evolves and improves and to keep current with everything costs a LOT of money. Since then, I have given away most of my gear and now I hire pros to take care of that part, so all I have to worry about on set is the actors and directing them. I can feel confident that the DP is going to make things look good and the audio person will capture good sound and the editor will do his/her magic and make it all come together in the end. It might sound expensive to hire professionals, but I think that you'll find it's worth it in the long run.


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eldave1
Posted: July 21st, 2022, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Thanks for the notes, Dave. You really gave me a lot to think about.


My pleasure - looking forward to seeing this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Nomad
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James,

Here are my notes from your script. The Breakwater notes

I realize that you're probably past the rewrite stage so a lot of my notes are just about format and readability. Take them with a grain of salt.

I agree that Lara should age after this ordeal. Maybe just give her some gray hairs and a few extra wrinkles. Something to show she was willing to pay any price.

This has a bit of a Stephen King vibe to it... Word Processer of the Gods and Pet Sematary come to mind. Just less on the murderous toddlers.

I feel like the voice over of Florence needs to come in right away almost as though she's walking us through the process as Lara does each step. It would take some reworking of each scene but I think it would add a bit of mystery as the story moves along.

Good luck.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Warren
Posted: July 21st, 2022, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from jwent6688


Well I hope you have deep pockets because that’s a lot of expensive gear. I have a love/hate relationship with the A7Siii. It does have industry leading focusing system and it doesn’t disappoint but I am recording RAW to a ninja and you see how noisy this camera really is. The internal codecs denoise a ton but it doesn’t work in RAW. Watch this guy’s take on it if you haven’t already.

https://youtu.be/EmiEQq2MAeU

Having all the gear you need isn’t a replacement for people who know how to use it efficiently. I do way too much on my own, but it’s just an expensive hobby for me. Lots of film makers out here that don’t own a single piece of gear. They pay people to use their own and I sometimes wonder if that’s not the better way to go. Either way, every film you make will still cost you money even if you already have everything.

Best of luck with it all. I’ll look forward to seeing your work once you start producing. Either way it’s an enlightening experience for sure. It’ll change the way you write. You’ll be visualizing the scenes a lot more once you’re thinking about how you’d film them.

James.



Yes definitely not cheap, but I'm the kind of person who likes to go all in

Would also just be an expensive hobby, not looking to make it big in Hollywood but like the idea of slowly learning all the parts myself along the way.

Thanks for the link, I have seen this one.

I'm sure a lot of mistakes are going to be made but the process will be fun.

Looking forward to The Breakwater


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jwent6688
Posted: July 21st, 2022, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Nomad
James,

Here are my notes from your script. The Breakwater notes


Thanks Nomad, that's a lot of red ink. Trust me, I've given up on writing at the higher levels and script contests a long time ago. My writing lacks, but many of those flaws disappear once you put it to film.


Quoted from Nomad
I agree that Lara should age after this ordeal. Maybe just give her some gray hairs and a few extra wrinkles. Something to show she was willing to pay any price.


I'm leaning towards removing that from the script altogether and using something Dave suggested in the dialogue. Besides, I don't have access to real good makeup FX artists for this one.


Quoted from Nomad
I feel like the voice over of Florence needs to come in right away almost as though she's walking us through the process as Lara does each step. It would take some reworking of each scene but I think it would add a bit of mystery as the story moves along.



The way I imagine this is as a slow motion montage of them reconnecting during the voice over. And it just makes this part easier to film. It won't require any acting on part of the 5 year old. We just have to catch his laughter and smiles on camera here and there.

And thanks for the notes. Nothing is locked until we shoot so this will go through at least a couple of rewrites.

James


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LC
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James, I didn't read other's comments, just a few of my thoughts without influence.

The nuclear power plant throws me. As part of the opening description I kept thinking it had some intrinsic part to play but I don't think it does.

I love the atmosphere of this. A lighthouse is a perfect setting. I imagine it wouldn't be easy to Film on the one hand, but on the other could be spectacularly beautiful.

I risk being unpopular here but honestly the story was a bit underwhelming for me. The drama seems to get to a point but then is diffused somehow. I got to the point of thinking something terrible was going to happen and then there didn't appear to be consequences for Lara at all. I also found Florence's comments about 'losing time' contradictory. Is Florence even necessary? I found her a bit annoying.

The losing years off your life as a trade-off (and her being able to enter another dimension to see her child) were the most compelling parts of the story for me, and really made me sit up and take notice. I just wanted more.

Then again, I could be completely thick and vital bits might be going over my head.

I do know your filming gets better and better with each outing so regardless I know you'll do a great job.


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jwent6688
Posted: July 23rd, 2022, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

The nuclear power plant throws me. As part of the opening description I kept thinking it had some intrinsic part to play but I don't think it does.


I may not show it, but it's about 5 miles down the beach from where the lighthouse is. If you look east you can't not see it. It's hard to work around it and it's an eye sore.


Quoted from LC
I love the atmosphere of this. A lighthouse is a perfect setting. I imagine it wouldn't be easy to Film on the one hand, but on the other could be spectacularly beautiful.


It's going to be extremely difficult to film there. We have to lug all the gear about a 20 minute walk down the beach. And we have to stay the night to catch the sunrise there. The gates don't open to let you back into the beach until dawn.


Quoted from LC
I risk being unpopular here but honestly the story was a bit underwhelming for me. The drama seems to get to a point but then is diffused somehow. I got to the point of thinking something terrible was going to happen and then there didn't appear to be consequences for Lara at all. I also found Florence's comments about 'losing time' contradictory. Is Florence even necessary? I found her a bit annoying.

The losing years off your life as a trade-off (and her being able to enter another dimension to see her child) were the most compelling parts of the story for me, and really made me sit up and take notice. I just wanted more.


Pretty sure you share the popular opinion on this. This story is a lot more ho-hum than I thought it was. I have about 6 weeks to rethink this thing through and I don't want to put us all through a rough night of no sleep to make a pretty mediocre short. So I'm happy I was fortunate enough to get some reads from people who I know could be honest about it.


Quoted from LC

I do know your filming gets better and better with each outing so regardless I know you'll do a great job.


Appreciate the compliment and thank you for the notes. We're all just trying to get a little better than we were yesterday.

Cheers,

James



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Abe from LA
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Hey James,
Giving this a bump. I hope to get a critique on Breakwater by the end of the day.
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Abe from LA
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Hey James,

This story is a departure from your usual dip into dark waters. That's not a bad thing.
But I suspect that your unfamiliarity with this genre has caused the missteps.

I half agree with what most have posted.

The beginning seems flat. The story plays out a bit backward. Define who Florence
is as a character. John should be 86ed. Get rid of the "trading of years" for time
spent with Gavin. Keep the suicide attempt. I'm middle-of-the-road on Lara giving up
her ring to bring Gavin back. Definitely do not like the ending with Lara driving off with
Florence.

I side with Nomad on this point.


Quoted Text
I feel like the voice over of Florence needs to come in right away almost as though she's walking us through the process as Lara does each step.


Lara's ascent to the lighthouse could use a VO to engage us — tell us about the lighthouse. Maybe set up the tone of the story. A haunted lighthouse or a beacon of light and hope?
Why not make Florence the guardian of the lighthouse. The caretaker who knows its history. And Florence has the keys to the padlock and front door. She might even live on the bottom level.

James said:

Quoted Text
I thought of her as someone who looks like she'd work behind a beaded curtain with a crystal ball. Like a fortune teller or card reader.


Okay, then maybe Florence is a gypsy fortune teller, who runs a fortune telling business on the lower level.

When Lara arrives, she is already at her lowest point emotionally. She has come here (secretly) to commit suicide. I think Florence (not John) talks her down from the edge. A good opportunity to utilize your dialogue writing skills about the "others" who have come for the same reason.

Flo knows that Lara is agnostic. Lara might have her fortune read by Florence early on.

She can ask Lara what she would give up to see her son again. Does Lara have the faith and power of belief? Maybe this is where Lara's "ring" comes into play. Florence can seemingly vanish while Lara wishes, quietly pleads for Gavin's return. The sun sets as Lara hopes and waits.

James said:

Quoted Text
This was like therapeutic writing from my agnostic point of view. I don't believe there's anything after this, but I hope there is. And I didn't want to show it through the lens of a church or any religion. But, that also means I haven't really removed myself from the story and my point of view on it is jaded.


That's the key to this story. Lara wants to believe, but can't... until Gavin's arrival.

BTW, I did't care for the way Gavin arrived.


Quoted Text
There is a tug at her pant leg. She looks down and sees GAVIN, 5, smiling up at her.


I would prefer Gavin appear in a more "celestial" or dreamy way. Maybe Lara falls asleep waiting, and then Gavin's there. He touches her and she awakens. Something like that.
Perhaps it's just me, but I don't want to hear Gavin speak.

Gavin is Lara's Epiphany.

I can't see her contemplating suicide after being with him again. Lara might be confused and frustrated that she didn't get to say "goodbye," but now she knows that there is an afterlife, where Gavin and John are waiting for her — when her time comes.

James said:

Quoted Text
I really wanted the ghost in the lighthouse to be the reason she endures. I tried to imagine someone who lost everything. Her child and husband, probably on the same day in a tragic event. The only thing that would keep her going is the notion that she will see them again.


Lara has hope now.
Dave suggested that Lara could be pregnant. That creates interesting possibilities.

I agree with your Montage scenes.

James said:

Quoted Text
The way I imagine this is as a slow motion montage of them reconnecting during the voice over. And it just makes this part easier to film. It won't require any acting on part of the 5 year old. We just have to catch his laughter and smiles on camera here and there.


You have Lara and Gavin playing, going through a magazine, eating crackers and playing with stuffed animals. I'd like to make the suggestion of them doing some art. Both could use crayons to draw pictures.

Or maybe they end the night on the Lighthouse walk. Holding hands and staring at the stars.

If Lara wants to think of Gavin as a ghost, then so be it. Do you think Lara believes Gavin is just a ghost or that he actually exists in another realm (Paradise)? Or does Lara think there is NO connection between Gavin the ghost and an afterlife??

When Gavin disappears before daybreak, I can see Lara being quite distraught. She can't find any trace of him. She never got to say 'goodbye.' She wonders was this all a dream?

Here is where Dave's suggestion of Lara being pregnant might work.
Gavin's spirit leaves something in place of Lara's ring. I say it's his Drawing.

Florence:

Quoted Text
At sunset, leave your most cherished belonging in the lamp room...  Whatever you gave up in there comes back to you someday when you least expect it.


I think what comes back to Lara is a message from Gavin.
The message is hidden in the drawing. Maybe it's the family in a paradise world. John, Lara, Gavin and... the unborn child Lara is carrying. A happy foursome. She didn't see it earlier.

That's the sign she needs. That gives Lara is a reason to go on living.

Or, an alternate thought on this.

If you don't want to go the pregnancy route, the drawing could be a MacGuffin. We never see it.
But Lara looks into the drawing and it changes her. She is enlightened.
Now she believes in something greater than her existence on earth.

Lara will realize that it was never about saying goodbye, but that we'll meet again down the road.

Maybe some of this works for you. Or maybe all this rambling is sparking new ideas. Either way, good luck.

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Storey_Matters
Posted: July 29th, 2022, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Great location. Love it, love it, love it! It deserves a feature. A Lighthouse-esque subtextual horror.

I enjoyed the opening of the script. That there's a nuclear power plant nearby offers an explanation for the magic at the lighthouse. I enjoyed also the relationship with the plant and people baking under the sun. I think a director can really use that imagery well.

I have a problem with the most cherished belonging being a wedding ring. It seems a small price for such a big pay-off. You have added the information that each hour takes years off life, so perhaps this is due compensation. It just seems too easy and the 'years off life' like a support, or crutch.

Lara hardly seems surprised that it worked and her son appeared. Wouldn't she even be a little afraid at first? A little apprehensive? Until, perhaps, her son laughs and makes her feel comfortable, forgetting her fear.

I felt that the story needed some flashbacks to her husband and son dying. Images that would haunt the protagonist. This would help explain her suicidal tendencies and help dampen the melodrama.

All from memory and a single read-through. I also haven't read any of the other comments so apologies if I'm repeating. Good luck with your film. If you need a writing partner(s) for a feature at that location, I'd love to be a part of it.
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jwent6688
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Quoted from Abe from LA
This story is a departure from your usual dip into dark waters. That's not a bad thing.
But I suspect that your unfamiliarity with this genre has caused the missteps.


Very true. The lighthouse is an iconic piece of history for that area. I felt it'd be cheap of me to just fill it with an evil entity and turn it into a horror.


Quoted from Abe from LA
BTW, I did't care for the way Gavin arrived.


I have a very specific idea for this shot that I think will work. It's just a closeup of her hand as the rotating beacon pans across our view and as it passes it reveals Gavin grabbing on to her hand.


Quoted from Abe from LA
Perhaps it's just me, but I don't want to hear Gavin speak.


Well, you probably won't like the rewrite I did last week before I saw your notes. I'll post it here in a day or two after I try to address more issues I'm seeing with the comments I've gotten.



Quoted from Abe from LA
I can't see her contemplating suicide after being with him again. Lara might be confused and frustrated that she didn't get to say "goodbye," but now she knows that there is an afterlife, where Gavin and John are waiting for her — when her time comes.


I think the rewrite will address this. Good point.



Quoted from Abe from LA
If Lara wants to think of Gavin as a ghost, then so be it. Do you think Lara believes Gavin is just a ghost or that he actually exists in another realm (Paradise)? Or does Lara think there is NO connection between Gavin the ghost and an afterlife??


I believe she has doubts. Was that her son or a ghost living in the lighthouse playing tricks on her? Either way it shows her a form of life after death. Which I think would give her enough hope to carry on, knowing that she would see him again.


Quoted from Abe from LA
When Gavin disappears before daybreak, I can see Lara being quite distraught. She can't find any trace of him. She never got to say 'goodbye.' She wonders was this all a dream?

Here is where Dave's suggestion of Lara being pregnant might work.


The rewrite currently has Gavin leaving her early on purpose. To save years for her to spend with her husband who needs her (Brought John back from the dead). So when she falls asleep, he leaves her a message on her phone to find explaining that.



Quoted from Abe from LA
If you don't want to go the pregnancy route, the drawing could be a MacGuffin. We never see it.
But Lara looks into the drawing and it changes her. She is enlightened.
Now she believes in something greater than her existence on earth.


I get what you're saying and some may like that ambiguous piece, but that's not really my style of story telling.




Quoted from Abe from LA
Maybe some of this works for you. Or maybe all this rambling is sparking new ideas. Either way, good luck.


Abe, can't thank you enough for the in-depth notes and thoughts for alternate ideas that you've given me. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

James



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jwent6688
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Quoted from Storey_Matters
Great location. Love it, love it, love it! It deserves a feature. A Lighthouse-esque subtextual horror.


I love lighthouses. Cinema always will. Just the seclusion of it.


Quoted from Storey_Matters
I have a problem with the most cherished belonging being a wedding ring. It seems a small price for such a big pay-off. You have added the information that each hour takes years off life, so perhaps this is due compensation. It just seems too easy and the 'years off life' like a support, or crutch.


It's meant to be her most cherished material item. Which I would assume it would be her wedding ring. And yes, the real price to pay for cheating death and visiting your late son is at the cost of some of your own life.


Quoted from Storey_Matters
Lara hardly seems surprised that it worked and her son appeared. Wouldn't she even be a little afraid at first? A little apprehensive? Until, perhaps, her son laughs and makes her feel comfortable, forgetting her fear.


True. The script doesn't represent that well. I think she would study him for a few moments until she hears him speak. Then she just doesn't care. her emotions get the best of her.


Quoted from Storey_Matters
I felt that the story needed some flashbacks to her husband and son dying. Images that would haunt the protagonist. This would help explain her suicidal tendencies and help dampen the melodrama.


I think I'm leaving her husband alive. I am very worried this could turn overly melodramatic, though. A seven minute Stepmom.


Quoted from Storey_Matters
All from memory and a single read-through. I also haven't read any of the other comments so apologies if I'm repeating. Good luck with your film. If you need a writing partner(s) for a feature at that location, I'd love to be a part of it.


Thanks for the read and notes. It helps immensely to see what bothers people about the story and what works. I write a new feature about every 3 years or so. Trust me, I wouldn't make a good partner. LOL

James


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Kirsten
Posted: September 13th, 2022, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi James, I was just looking around on here, and I saw the pic of the lighthouse. I go to that beach regularly. I met a woman who is friends with the owner. Have you started filming yet?


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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jwent6688
Posted: September 13th, 2022, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirsten,

You must live in our neck of the woods then. We shot this last weekend. Sheila (the owner) was a gracious host. We had a lot of fun there but it was the hardest shoot we've ever done, by a mile.

We began shooting at 7PM when the sun was setting from about a half mile away and worked our way to the top of the lighthouse by 8PM for sunset. It was a race against the setting sun. Then we spent the night, barely got any sleep, and were up again to shoot the sunrise.

I love the footage so far. I think we nailed it in the time constraints we had. The weather was perfect. I couldn't be happier about it.

I'll make sure to post a sneak peek of the film here once it's done. It's the least I can do for all the help I've received from the writers here.

James



































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Kirsten
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James, that is awesome, there's some nice shots. I'm looking forward to seeing this. I'm not going to read the script, I'll wait to see what you've done. Fresh eyes.
I have some pics of the lighthouse from lake Erie, it's my wife's favorite 'beach' to go to in the summer. We always wondered if anyone lived there. Our question was answered when we stayed at the 200 year old Riders Inn in Painsville about 15mins away...the owner told us she was friends with the owner of the lighthouse. Very jealous!


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Warren
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The shots look great, looking forward to seeing the film.


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Nomad
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Those images look amazing!

Do you have a list of the equipment used to shoot this?

I'm wondering what camera and lighting were used.


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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jwent6688
Posted: September 14th, 2022, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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We used a Sony A7Siii. I have 4 lenses I rotate around. The 24-70 2.8 is my main workhorse. I have to 24 1.4 and the 50 1.2 for low light situations. And the first few wide shots were taken with a Tamron 70-180 2.8. It’s an inexpensive telephoto lens but has excellent results.

Aerial footage was shot with a Mavic 2 Pro.

The only light we brought was an Aputure 300d ii with a fresnel lens. That’s how we blasted light through the lamp room when her ring supposedly vanishes. Then we just set it outside and used a Coleman gas lantern as a key light in the lighthouse. It makes a great key light but it’s noisy.

James


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jwent6688
Posted: November 6th, 2022, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hey all,

So this film is pretty much done. Here's a sneak peek in an unlisted link that I'll leave up for a bit. Obviously, I don't want it shared in public at the moment.

I'm very happy with how it came out. I'm hoping it's an effective film about heartbreak and hope, but to some this might be melodrama at its worst. Who knows.

I did run through all the names on here and added everyone in the "Special Thanks To... " section. If I flubbed your name, left you out, or you'd rather have it removed just let me know. This isn't the final just yet.

I couldn't find "Storey_Matters" name and I did PM them without a response. Think they're the only person I left out.
Anyway, thanks to all who commented. You made me reshape the story and I "think" it's better for it.

James





Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 7th, 2022, 8:12pm
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LC
Posted: November 7th, 2022, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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James, the film looks absolutely beautiful and you made the script really come to life perfectly.
Loved the voice-over which tied the narrative together nicely.

I have one quibble about her reaction when the child first makes his appearance (a bit downplayed imho), but I actually hate saying anything negative cause, wow, what a job you did!

I hope you did the least amount of takes going up those stairs.  


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eldave1
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Bravo!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
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That was great! Gorgeously shot and your son is just too cute. I can see you being ready for a feature.  


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: November 7th, 2022, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Amazing short film! Well done.

Lighthouse was a really cool setting and I was moved by the story.

As the owner of a 3 and 6 year old, I can’t even get them to put clothes on in the morning, let alone deliver lines. So double well done


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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LC
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
...  As the owner of a 3 and 6 year old, I can’t even get them to put clothes on in the morning, let alone deliver lines. So double well done



P.S. James, very good of you to give us all a thanks at the end. Not necessary as you did all the work, but nice.


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Warren
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Awesome work, I really like the way it turned out.


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jwent6688
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Thanks for watching this and the kind words, Libby.


Quoted from LC

I have one quibble about her reaction when the child first makes his appearance (a bit downplayed imho),


I'll admit, I had trouble directing Nicole. She had lost a 1-year-old son a few years back and was one of the main reasons I picked her. She wanted to do this almost as therapy for herself. When I wanted more pain, more emotion, I was just at a loss of what to say to her.  "Imagine your son was gone?" So, I kind of just rolled with what she gave me.  


Quoted from LC
I hope you did the least amount of takes going up those stairs.  
This was a one nighter. I almost died that day.


Quoted from eldave1
Bravo!


Thanks, Dave. Your review of the original script really sent me back to the drawing board here.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
  I can see you being ready for a feature.  


I don't know. I still haven't written a feature I could shoot on my own, yet. I'm glad you liked this.


Quoted from Matthew Taylor
As the owner of a 3 and 6 year old, I can’t even get them to put clothes on in the morning, let alone deliver lines. So double well done


Cooper is almost 6. My other boy is 4. I know what you mean. For some reason, Cooper listens in front of the camera. Every other thing I ask him to do in life is a complete chore.


Quoted from LC
P.S. James, very good of you to give us all a thanks at the end. Not necessary as you did all the work, but nice.


I needed some honest eyes on this one. Not a family member or someone I hang out with who will never tell you their legitimate opinion. So, putting you guys in the credits was a no-brainer. Thanks again everyone!

James




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jwent6688
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Quoted from Warren
Awesome work, I really like the way it turned out.


Thanks Warren, Good luck on your upcoming production!



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AlsoBen
Posted: November 10th, 2022, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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Congrats. I really liked the photography - there's an wide shot early on where she walks into the lighthouse for the first time and the framing and lighting is really effective! An especially sad short when you see the dedication at the end.


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jwent6688
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Thanks, Ben. I'm glad you enjoyed it as well as that wide shot. I wanted to try and get the twist of the winding staircase and the chainblocks all in the same shot as she walked in.

James


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jwent6688
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I took this film down for a bit, but it's permanently public now if anyone else wants to see it. We entered 4 film festivals and only made it into one. Albeit the ones we didn't make were pretty prestigious. Atlanta, Cleveland International and Tribeca said we weren't good enough. So it didn't get the response I was hoping for, but we're all still super proud of it. Thanks again to everyone here who chipped in with their ideas. You all helped shape the story.

James



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