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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Departure (Sci Fi , 9 pages) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Departure (Sci Fi , 9 pages)  (currently 218 views)
scrawlx101
Posted: July 24th, 2022, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Script:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1BRPs9XUU7nmjFvYUKLcHO75I5muUoo3D/view?usp=sharing
Logline: After the disappearance of his girlfriend, Solomon welcomes into his home a familiar face with secrets connected to her disappearance.
I know SpAG is a major error.
Would it be possible to receive feedback on what I have written? Any advice on the following would be great(This is a 2nd draft but I really want to commit to the rewriting process):
Questions
Is my main character's want ,need and flaw clear?  (His flaw is a desire for perfection/
Are there any scenes you recommend tossing out? I want to try and be more concise particularly with my scene description.
Any advice for how to add subtext to my dialogue? This has been a big struggle of mine.
Does my focus on sci fi work or would I be best served writing something else?
Lastly, how would you recommend injecting even more conflict as I kind of got mudded up in the middle in the scene between Brandon and Solomon reuniting and showing how time passes.

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scrawlx101  -  July 25th, 2022, 12:51pm
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 27th, 2022, 2:37am Report to Moderator
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As my Aussie friends would say, heya scrawlx101!

I only have a second and I only quickly read through it again. This draft isn’t much different from the first one you posted. Just a couple of brief comments, sorry, all I have time for -

So... I would hazard to guess -- these 9 pages are part of a spec feature you're writing?

Whether it’s science fiction, drama, thriller, horror, ect... write whatever you like.

OK, I'll be back to close out my review - mostly on subtext - probably later on in the day.

There's a lot of typos, spelling errors, and grammatical issues throughout. Format issues, which I'm not getting into, but it definitely needs a lot of attention.



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  July 27th, 2022, 5:12am
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scrawlx101
Posted: July 27th, 2022, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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As my Aussie friends would say, heya scrawlx101!

I only have a second and I only quickly read through it again. This draft isn’t much different from the first one you posted. Just a couple of brief comments, sorry, all I have time for -

So... I would hazard to guess -- these 9 pages are part of a spec feature you're writing?

Whether it’s science fiction, drama, thriller, horror, ect... write whatever you like.

OK, I'll be back to close out my review - mostly on subtext - probably later on in the day.

There's a lot of typos, spelling errors, and grammatical issues throughout. Format issues, which I'm not getting into, but it definitely needs a lot of attention.


Thank you for the feedback - feedback regarding subtext would be a great help = this was meant to be a short film but from the feedback I'm gathering I've stretched my net too wide and need to re adapt my story with a smaller focus on the relationship between the protagonist and Brandon.

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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 27th, 2022, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
I'm gathering I've stretched my net too wide and need to re adapt my story with a smaller focus on the relationship between ..


BINGO! Keep it simple. Or better yet, come up with another idea for a short.

That said -- subtext isn't used all the time, in every conversation. We'd all drive ourselves and (as writers) the audience insane. It's used now and again in conversations/exchanges that warrant it's useage.

This doesn't. At least not that much. It's Solomon and Brandon talking. Both familiar with themselves from what I gather. I'll get back to them.

Subtext. Life under the surface-- thoughts and feelings both known and unknown, hidden by behavior. <-------key word. You must use action. You must paint a picture using film (visual) as your medium.

"Subtext is a tool — it has its uses and limitations, like any other tool. As a writer, the single most useful thing about subtext is it lets your scenes talk about two or more things at once, which means it takes fewer pages to relay the same amount of information. Additionally, most human behavior has its own subtext, so if you can learn how to weave it through your writing, your scripts will automatically seem more true to human behavior, and your audiences will be able to connect more completely with your characters. Lastly, subtext adds a layer of mystery for the audience — they have to pay VERY close attention or risk not understanding what’s happening. Anything that keeps your viewers/readers focused on the story is a good thing.

Also, study the human behavior around you — because there is surely subtext in most of your conversations. For example:

Are you going to eat that?,” asks a coworker about the last cookie on a plate in the break room. He doesn’t actually need to know if you’re going to eat that, he needs to know if you will be offended or judgemental if he eats it himself.

“Did you find everything today?,” asks a cashier at the store. The cashier wants to know if you are seriously pissed off in a way that will hurt his performance rating. He also knows the manager is standing 10 feet away, and he has to ask every customer that question or he won’t get a good review."


Lordy I hope I'm not breaking a SS rule for not being politically correct, but... depending on what we know about who says it -- a line as simple as “Can I buy you a drink?” can come across as “You're hot and I want to fuck you” or “I'm shy and lonely and approaching you is the hardest thing I've ever done. “

A fun one I luv -- there's this Kay's Jewelry commercial where the couple is picking out a Christmas tree is a nice example of subtext. When the tree guy asks, "Is this the one?" The woman responds, "This is the one." Or something like that. But she's looking at and talking about the guy who just gave her jewelry.

OK, not great, but hopefully that will give you an idea of what I mean.

"The secret to adding subtext is that you have to [i]understand who your characters are, what they’re feeling right now, what they *need* — emotionally, not physically — from the person they’re talking to, and the ways they’re able to pursue that need." [/i]

It's so much easier when you do.

But to get back on track -- if anything, my recommendation would be to redo much of the dialogue exchange between Brandon&Solomon. Why? Coz most of it is repetitive and a line or two are OTN. It reads almost herky jerky. There isn't a smooth flow.   Make it more succinct.  

Some lines I wasn't a fan of...

Brandon: Please, I'll be hunted like an animal. You can do better!

Brandon: Stacy deserved to get beamed up!<-----------this sounds cartoonish! Why not just stick with  She deserved to die!

Brandon: Where are you going? Finish me off! Be selfish!
Iffy! Do better.

Ok, I hope this help. Forgive my errors I'm kinda in a hurry. I hope others will comment as it's handy to get a range of voices; even if I'm the only one, don't put too much weight in my comments, it's just one opinion etc...

Best of Irish luck!



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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  July 28th, 2022, 6:47pm
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