I thought I would try this thread out by sharing one of my current projects - it's approximately 80% finished (first draft) and this is the first act (16 pages).  Caveat:  This is straight up Hallmark fare - wholesome romance, small town, a little mystery and if you've read my stories before, you know there might be a couple kleenex moments    Backstory:  There is a real town named "Romance" in my home state of Arkansas and it does receive thousands of requests annually for its postmark on everything from love letters, to Valentine's Day cards to wedding invitations.  Surely there's a story there somewhere, right?  I hope you enjoy this offering and as always, I welcome comments and critique.

Logline:  When a reporter receives a Valentine’s Day themed assignment, a postmark sends her on a journey to a town named Romance.

Synopsis:
Avery Adams is a young reporter for a large metropolitan newspaper with an aspiration to become a top political and hard news expert.  When the "Lifestyle" editor is injured in an accident,  Avery's boss re-assigns Avery her latest column, an editorial on Valentine's Day.  Avery is less than thrilled with the new assignment, which she defines as "fluff"  and has absolutely no idea how she can a) avoid the assignment or b) if unavoidable, create a story about something in which she feels she is a proven failure:  Romance.  

While discussing the dreaded assignment with her best friend and co-worker, her friend recalls a Valentine's Card from a former flame.  The romance is over, but the card was so memorable that she kept it and retrieves it from her desk to show to Avery.  The envelope she produces bears the postmark of a town called "Romance".  She explains to Avery that her former love told of this small, out of the way town that receives thousands of cards from all over the world into their post office each year before Valentine's Day with the request to forward with their postmark. She also relays the story he told of a more than one hundred year old legend as to how the town received its current name.

The formerly reluctant Avery researches the town and finds that her friend's story is true, and suddenly a creative spark is kindled in her as her curiosity and desire to impress her boss with a worthwhile story urge her into planning a journey to the place called “Romance”.

Upon her arrival, the first person she meets is the local Sheriff, Bryce Connor, who tickets her for a traffic violation.  Despite her best attempt to talk her way out of the fine, the Sheriff is unrelenting and advises her to take up her plea of innocence with the County Judge once she is settled in town.  

What she initially considers an aggravating delay caused by the annoyingly charming Sheriff, turns out not only to be the key to the romantic legend involving a soldier lost in World War One, his heartbroken fiancé and the mystery of a long missing wedding ring, but both the perfect Valentine story and a romance of her own for the lovelorn Avery.  

Movie Poster: https://i.postimg.cc/kMx3K8JM/With-Love-From-Romance-poster.png

Link to script:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1MKrzYXwdHxnz5woHvGyy60x4t223LLl4/view?usp=sharing

Hey Kathy, great to see you have yet another script in the works!

At the moment the synopsis seems a little convoluted to me but I get the general gist and will check out your opening. Your hook with Romance, the place, is terrific.

FYI, you might get more takers with reads on this if you remove the access to file requirement.

Another FYI, both Dave (eldave) and Steven Clark are big RomCom veterans so personally asking them for script exchanges would be well worth your time - if they have time of course. Dave has a recent comedy feature posted: In search of Vulcan which I have read and must post feedback on - really funny stuff.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1660830940/

And Steve is an expert on formatting specifically to Hallmark, and has lots of experience with writing same.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1607532129/

Christmasville
https://www.simplyscripts.com/2018/03/14/christmasville/

I want you for Christmas
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1613707299/

Anyway, will check out your WIP when you give me the big tick.

Thank you so much LC.  I didn't realize that I had the script link restricted - I think I've fixed it now so that anyone with the link can view.  If it doesn't work let me know - I'm new to using Google drive, so please forgive my errors.  

I look forward to hearing back after you read it.  The first act is of course just the set up - and not really an insight into the "meat" of the story - but isn't that the way with most every story?  

Thanks again for the tip off about the restricted access!

Can anyone let me know if the script link is working (without having to email me for permission)?  I had some trouble with Google Drive and just want to make sure the link is no longer locked (you don’t have to read the script!). Appreciate the help. Thx!

Script link works for me.  

I can open it.

Haven't read the script but I did notice there wasn't a single scene header until page 3. Even then it was missing the INT.

you might want to look into that

Thank you so much!  Appreciate your time and the help.  

Hi Kathy!

I gave this a read, will post some comments later as I’m at work now, but I have a question.

What are your hopes for this? You just writing for fun or trying to get it sold?

Steve

All my work is written in hope of a sale. I was a little hesitant to post just a few pages of anything on this thread as it is hard to grasp the gist of the story from just a few pages of set-up. My ultimate goal has been to write stories that would be acceptable for a family friendly Hallmark/Lifetime/Netflix type audience. I hope to finish this soon and will place the entire script up for scrutiny shortly.

Thanks for the post and I welcome any thoughts you may have.

Quoted from kcranford Can anyone let me know if the script link is working (without having to email me for permission)?  I had some trouble with Google Drive and just want to make sure the link is no longer locked (you don’t have to read the script!). Appreciate the help. Thx!

Whoops! Sorry Kathy, meant to comment the other day that the link successfully opened without permission.

The biggest hitch so far for me is too much exposition.
That said, you're nailing the RomCom Style out of the gate
Will elaborate shortly.

Hey Kathy, finally a few notes.

So, this below:

A panoramic view of the Chicago skyline. Lake Michigan in
the background. We close in on the tower of THE CHICAGO
TRIBUNE as we are drawn into a window and into a chaotic
newsroom. Reporters talking on phones, frantically entering
stories into computers. We come to focus on one particular
reporter, 30s pretty, self-assured, this is AVERY ADAMS,
talking to herself, focused, as she enters text into her own
computer, seemingly unaffected by the beehive of activity
around her.

You open with where we are e.g., the Chicago Skyline - as an establishing shot which you can either do with a Super and date, or like this in Panic Room's opener:

FADE IN:

EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY
The whole island, from the south. For a second. Literally.

EXT. NEW YORK SKYLINE - DAY
Closer, just the skyline. For another second.

EXT. UPPER WEST SIDE - DAY
Closer still, the Upper West Side. For another second. No
time to waste admiring the scenery.

I don't know if you've seen Panic Room, but that opening with the NY Skyline which Fincher shot is an amazing visual with just that blueprint of a few lines of setup.

You're setting the scene, but make sure you keep what are effectively your 'shots' on separate paragraphs.

Then you effectively change shots /zoom in on the Chicago Tribune building - another shot, a different paragraph.
Don't use words like 'zoom in' I'm just trying to get you to 'see' the different shots and separate them in your writing.

Then, you have another shot - this time an INT shot to intro the busy and buzzing hub of the Newsroom and finally zero in on your protag, Avery.

Btw, you use the word 'focus' / 'focussing' twice, so watch repetition in description.

Every scene (especially in your set-up needs to hold the reader's attention.
At the moment it's as I said (no personal offence meant) laden with exposition, and honestly a bit dull.

Given Avery's central goal is to be given the opportunity of serious journalism v fluff pieces I think your opening cries out  to show her dismal but entertaining failures (so far) reporting in the field... And maybe stepping in that dog excrement, is one of them. (See below)**

Oh, and maybe call a spade a spade. I know Hallmark is your targeted audience so maybe steer away from talking shit, but dog waste sounds a bit too polite to me, almost like a euphemism.

This below is exposition. It's information you're trying to impart to an audience but it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue naturally. We can safely assume this info dump is already known to Julie.

AVERY
Well, investigative reporting is
what I thrive on. I got lucky with
that one. I just had a gut feeling
that something was wrong when I
interviewed the office staff about
accounting practices and missing
funds.
JULIE
Well, it certainly got your name in
the news as the reporter that broke
the story. That’s one that rates
an asterick on your resume.

Be aware that the 'paying dues' comment comes from Avery herself, and then Julie too.

You don't need
CUT TO:

The scene change/heading accomplishes that and you'll just bloat your script unnecessarily.
Save the CUT TOs for maybe if we cut to a wildly different location change, (like a different country) if you must use them.

OUTSIDE THE EDITOR’S OFFICE - DAY
This is fine as -

EDITOR'S OFFICE - LATER

Avery sits in a waiting area, idly thumbing through old editions of the newspaper. (maybe?)
She fidgets with her jewelry, straightens her sweater, rearranges her
hair.

A couple of hours later doesn't belong on an action/description line. Keep the time element along with place and location in your slugline.

Okay, enough of the format stuff.
Someone else can add to what I've suggested here. Btw, Matthew made a good point.

** So, storywise I suggest you actually make this Journo's story way more exciting to watch and Avery's struggle way more entertaining, by way of a series of events, rather than telling us her history through dialogue.

Your opening, given she's a budding reporter should be shown - show her actually reporting in a series of disastrous pieces to camera. All the crap jobs, Junior Reporters or Cadet Journalists get given - being blown away during Hurricane Ian, the opening of a department store or Hospital, and... stepping in Dog excrement and falling flat on her face during her one serious assignment perhaps?

Her boss should be a complete hard-arse too.
He's way too accommodating and practically told her she had the special job every man and his dog wants, just like that, as long as she does this story. Hmm...

Think, Bill Murray in Groundhog Day & Bridget Jones in the firehouse opening scene.
It wouldn't have been half as much fun if we as an audience were told about these events after the fact.

Characters need the odds stacked against them.
We as an audience need to go along for the ride and hope they get what they want in the end, but the road travelled (even in RomCom - as I'm sure you know already) should not be easy or predictable.

Newsrooms on their own can be entertaining if we're watching Albert Brooks (sweating) in Broadcast News, or Peter Finch's meltdown in Network, but I tend to think they're limited and that you could do much more with the material you have up your sleeve.

Love the premise! I think you could expand on the opening.
Hope you take this in the spirit intended.

P.S. Thought I'd add I'm aware your setup is print media but there's a significant overlap lately (at least in my neck of the woods) with the merging of on air appearances, podcasts too, and what I was thinking with the pieces to camera is something visual that would appeal to the Hallmark demographic.

Kathy!

Hi, hopefully this is still semi fresh in my memory. So…

First off, I like the premise of a town called Romance. Sounds original, though I’m pretty sure there’s been movies made about towns before — Christmas, North Pole, Holly, etc. The post mark thing is pretty cool, though!

You went through a reason for her to be there, she has a goal and the stakes are there, so you’re almost set up, but… Where is her love interest? Ah, he’s probably in Romance, right? Okay. We need to see him within the first ten pages — definitely by page ten or 11. The meet cute needs to happen by that time. So, actually, 15 pages cannot be your first act.  Your first act needs to be about 23 -25 pages, so she should be in Romance by page ten at the latest. Your convo with the boss needs to be trimmed way down. There’s a lot of repetition there. And your main character pretty much reiterates to her friend what the boss just said, so that can go too.

I’m pretty sure your story will be good, and that you have something twists  and turns in store. That’s good. These scripts (Hallmark, Lifetime, etc.) need to be broken down into 9 acts. That’s to allow for commercials and what not, so it will need to be formatted correctly.

Act 1 23-25 pages
Act 2-7 right around ten pages. If you hit 11 once or twice prob cool
Act 8-9 eight to nine pages.

That’ll give you roughly about 103-105 pages, which is exactly what producers are looking for with MOWs.

Libby already mentioned some of the formatting mistakes you made, but I’ll reiterate to trim down these fifteen and get to Romance within the first ten, and the meet cute too. That’s just what they look for.

If you have any specific questions I’d be happy to answer to the best of my ability. I’ve been writing these things for a few years now, and spoken to enough producers to know what and how these scripts should look. Now if I can just get a damn sale!

Steve

Thank you Steve for your comments, you are so awesome as a mentor and I value your advice!  As a newbie, I just broke the first act where there was a natural change in action/venue.  As for the "meet cute" that comes next.  I'm attaching the next part of the script (hesitant to use the word "act" LOL) that introduces the "love interest".  Hope it's ok to post this - admin can delete if I'm taking this too far.  As usual, I'm having trouble navigating Google Drive, so ignore the blank script title, etc.  Ugh!
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-6b6ljJUWGXeriXiQuKae3APL0b1Rlef?usp=sharing

The thing with feedback is it's subjective (story wise) - meaning it's your creation and I don't mind my story suggestions being not your cup of tea. I do advise you eliminate all your CUT TOs however.

Unless they're a distinctive formatting inclusion with Hallmark in which case Steve is the go-to man regarding this.

OT, Kathy, very glad you're excited for an OWC.

LC, I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to your post also. I’ve been at my “day job” at the hospital for the past 4 days - so that’s my excuse LOL. I so value your opinions also - there’s so many helpful suggestions that I’m taking to heart in revising some of these stories. Please forgive me for not responding sooner and thank you so much for reading my work and offering valuable input. Please don’t think I was discounting your advice - not at all!  And yes, hoping I can participate in the OWC!