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Gravedigger by Gregory J. Baldwin (Greg) - Short, Drama - A disturbed funeral home worker is reunited with his high school bully--who has just died. Now, with torturing memories returning to him, he must decide what to do with not only the body, but with himself. - Dogglebe One Week Screenwriting Exercise Submission - doc, format
I enjoyed your concept very much. The dialouge seemed too rushed at times but most of it was well. I liked Sid's character a lot and i think you did a great job with him. Only thing i didnt like was the dialouge like i said. Re-read over it an you will see what parts.
We think alike, Greg. Storywise, this tale travels down a dark road that is similar to the one I almost took, and I certainly like it for that. I have some thoughts on this one:
* It is a little heavy on the V.O. -- and a little of that goes a long way. For example, as he is preparing to dig the grave. You could have plucked one or two of the choicest lines from that passage and just gone with that. Like Andrew said (kind of), re-examine some of those longer passages with a "less is more" mentality; this story would benefit from a little more ambiguity. * I needed a description of Sid. I liked that character, but somehow, all I could think of was Riff-Raff from "Rocky Horror". If you had something like that in mind, good job -- but if not, you should have given me your own thoughts on this character.
I am glad somebody decided to take this story down a darker path. I was hoping that somebody would. Nice work.
I read your script!! I liked your angle on it. Quite dark this one isn't it?...
SPOILERS - - >
Wow, I totally felt depressed for Sid!! I think you wrote Sid quite well, and I think you successfully pulled off his depression/miserable attitude towards his existence too.
Francis was a good character but I think has more potential. I think the cafeteria scene, for Francis, seemed forced. I think the dialogue could be written in a way which seems more threatening, than almost playfull, considering their age.
I think you need to describe your characters physically. Was hard to visualise without - I really struggled to 'see' Sid or Francis in my mind.
Bonus points for the use of voodoo in your script!! Had never come across that so far, until now, and thought it was a fantastic angle to say the least. Makes Sid seem so much more hell bent on getting his own back at Francis. Well done.
On page 3 - you wrote -
"I should have slit my fucking through with that box cutter..." - I think you mean throat?
What is ECU?
On page 2 - you wrote 2005 in your slugline - now, I am new to this, but I think it would work better if you take out 2005 and instead replace the narrative with a description of Sid to show his current age. Perhaps this script could benefit by the use of 'Flashback'? I am not 100% on this but as I've been trying to write in a way that the audience can see - and if you can't see it, don't write it sort of approach. Hope that made sense. I know you can't see flashback, but I wrote that in addition to re-addressing the characters in the scene.
Patrice's character was not my cup of tea. Something about it seemed weak. I think she could be stronger and more active. She seems to react to Sid more than anything, which I found a little dull. Potential is there though.
Overall, good stuff here. I like your dark side, lol!! I really liked the last page about dying twice, really good material there, well done!!
Hey guys, thanks for the reviews and I'll be sure to get cracking on your work later today! And Andy, it was supposed to be throat...I discovered that after I submitted it =S. ECU-extreme close-up...just for future reference.
I think the voice over worked really well. Maybe a little wordy at times but there's some great material in there. The monologues at the beginning and the end were especially good.
It's nice that you took this one to the dark side although i couldnt help feeling a little disappointed with Sid at the end. Sure, you foreshadowed what he might do but I felt he could've changed his outlook on life after laying his demons to rest, so to speak. That said, the ending is very well done and the closing dialogue seems to linger once you finish reading. I like it very much
Pretty good, Greg. You set up Sid well and explined his motivations. He certainly is a dark character and carried the story just fine. The first dialogue between himself and Patrice seemed a little wooden at times especially when taking about peace after death, but over all it worked all right.
A little Kubrick on the voiceover, though. It's a little like watching A Clockwork Orange, where the character explains everything to us instead of showing it to us. I would have preferred more show, less tell. However, since the voiceover was consistent throughout, it worked decently.
Hi Greg I just read you short..Well I haven't words to say something more than the others here have done, but Ill say one little thing...It could be a nice feature if that girl falls in love with Sid and at the end he finds out she was Francis' daughter...
I went digging through old OWE and saw this one so I decided to give it a gander.
I did like this a lot, this is much more disturbing than anything else I have read of yours, it shows you're not afraid to go into dark territory, which is awesome, and you curse a lot in this script, even as much as me, and we all know that's a lot
There is a ton of voice over here, but I think it's okay for the most part, it's someone thinking about their past, there may be a wee too much, mostly at the end, I think lack of V.O there would be more effective, but it was well written.
one line you have Sid say " That secured my fate FOR high school because everyone kept their distance from me."
I thought that seemed odd, maybe "That secured my fate THROUGH OUT high school because everyone kept their distance from me."
Another line that just seem weird was when Sid said "May God help this man", maybe if he said something like, "May God have mercy on his soul" something like that.
"A family celebrates the graduation of their child by popping open a bottle of apple cider. "
Apple cider???????? LOL
SID(V.O.) A nice burial is the last thing this son of a bitch is going to receive.
Loved that line
I really don't think you need Patrice in this story, I think it would work better with out her, Just Sid and Francis, I just don't see the point to her, she doesn't add anything, I think leaving her out and just focus on the other two would make it much tighter.
The ending was great, there's a dark side to you I didn't see before. I think this would be an effective short if you tightened it up a little more, I think the story is very intriguing.
Holy crackerjack this thing is old! Thanks for the bump, Jordan!
When I wrote this I was still trying to understand the fundamentals of the format, hence the CUT TO'S and all that other crap.
I must be the only one who likes Patrice haha. I actually was about to attempt tightening this up a few months ago, but then I got distracted and haven't looked at it since. Maybe now I will because I think it's a gnarley little story. Still stuff to work out, as you pointed out.