Beneath The Surface :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi there!

Below is some feedback on my script from BlueCat Screenplay.  Would any of you consider reading my script, and tell me if you would agree with the feedback?  I would appreciate it a lot.

Thanks,

Morten
From Denmark

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What did you like best about the script?

The premise of this story is original, but still plays off of ideas that have been successful in the past, making it a very sellable script.  The opening sequence immediately grabbed my attention, and set the tone for a sci-fi or military action blockbuster.  You have a story that keeps the audience guessing both as to what has happened, as well as what will happen next.  The plot moves seamlessly from point to point, avoiding the common mistake of fueling a story with a series of lucky coincidences.  The action clearly comes from the characters and their emotions. Every aspect of the story has causality, and when the characters get a break (such as when the sub lands in the vortex, saving them), I believed it was by chance and not the result of lazy writing.

I really enjoyed each character introduction, especially Walter and Cecile’s.  You have a knack for relating characters in their natural settings, with dialogue that separates them from their counterparts.  I feel like I know these people from the get-go, which ties me more closely to their emotional journeys.  Also, they never stop being exactly who they are, with the exception of some of the goofiness in the third act.  I completely understand their emotions and reactions to the other characters, which pulls them from the page into multi-dimensional personalities in my imagination.

The reveal of "spoiler" as the villain at the end, while not entirely surprising, explains his motive without deviating from the character we’ve seen from the beginning. Both the motive and punishment fit the crime and bring closure to the story.  The story is captivating and the end does not disappoint.

What do you think needs work?

The descriptions of the scenes, especially in the first act, are sparse or absent. These descriptions are an excellent way to establish tone, which is confusing throughout the story. In many places the characters smile, kiss and joke, but the situation they are in is so urgent that the reader is left unsure of whether this is an appropriate time to laugh.  The pilot on the vice-president’s plane jokes through the ‘turbulence’ even though the malfunctioning of cockpit equipment could not be more serious or unusual.  Peter and Lisa are smiling and kissing as they kick ass together. Are they really capable of such a good time as their friends die around them?  Is there time to fall in love when they have thirty minutes to prevent the bomb from exploding?  The dialogue in the action sequences borders on campy Schwarzenegger-esque one-liners that don’t fit the characters or the situation. I think you are using humor to lighten the mood, but it simply doesn’t work.  Using humor at that point seems unnatural and pulls the reader out of the intensity of the story.

I questioned who the movie was about, because there are so many characters. I think you can pull off having a large cast because your characterization is well executed, but be sensitive to overwhelming the audience. Try to focus on each character’s emotional core, and take out any extraneous scenes or dialogue that don’t directly relate to where they will eventually end.

You are very good at feeding the audience information in a way that sets up questions (the cameraman’s explanation on page 22 stands out in my mind), but the answers are selectively explained.  I left the script with the following questions: What was John doing down in the hatch for the time between when he sank and when the others joined him?  Was the military crew down there with him the whole time?  If so, why didn’t they set the bomb off before? If not, where did they come from?  What does the public ultimately learn about this situation?  Do they respond to their television, radio and cellular signals being disrupted?  Why doesn’t the president know about this military bomb?  These are questions that I think you know the answer to, but need to work within the script so the audience (or reader) doesn’t leave feeling cheated out of some piece of the story.

I think it would make more sense if Angela took a bullet for George instead of John.  You have been building the relationship between Angela and George, and this change could be a very logical conclusion.  Also, having Angela die for John should only complicate the guilt he feels over his son’s death (i.e. now two people have died for him), but these feelings are not addressed in this draft.  I think the action of her saving George has more emotional impact and fewer complications.

Lisa’s ex means nothing unless the plot point is reintroduced in relation to her growing affection for Peter.  However, the script is over the industry standard of 120 pages, so taking this out and replacing it with her back story inserted into dialogue could help you out on length.  I would also advise you to shorten the scenes where the president is being briefed, and take out the drinking scene with the president and Dugan.  Remember that the story is about the people on the boats, and not the president and his political troubles or even his relationship with Dugan.  In the end, the characters that matter most are John, his family, and people with them on the sub.  I want to see more of what is happening to them throughout the second act, and less of the president.