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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Candu - Produced Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 13th, 2005, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Candu by Steve Burton - Short, Fantasy - The subway doors open to emptiness and then vastness for a compelling journey. 7 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  February 26th, 2019, 6:01pm
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bert
Posted: August 19th, 2005, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Felt like looking at something short that had not been looked at yet.  Oh, here's one.  I am not sure that 7 pages makes for a "compelling journey", but the concept here, in and of itself, is quite unique, and quite interesting.  I will not spoil it.

But there is also some room for improvement:
*  The first slug designates this as "Early evening."  Forgetting for the moment that we are inside a subway station, and can not know this, the story proceeds from this point in a linear fashion.  So Bob goes to a casting audition, and all the other things that happen, at night?  That first slug should be changed.
*  Following with the slug line theme, virtually every single slug -- all of them -- ends with "FOLLOWING".  Now I will not say for an absolute fact that I know this is absolutely wrong, but I've read plenty of stuff, and I've never seen that before.  Particularly on every...single...slug.  "Continuous" sometimes, but even that is rare. Besides, you can delete these without harming the story.  People will understand what is going on.
*  In the "casting office" scene, you describe that "Bob plays a part in an audition", and "Bob has a relaxing conversation", and several other things.  But none of this has any dialogue.  At all.  Is this supposed to be a silent, MOS scene?  You should clarify this if it is, but it probably shouldn't be.  It is still following the linear flow of the story, so it wouldn't be an appropriate montage either.

And then it kind of...ends.  I get the feeling that it is supposed to be optimistic, or hopeful, but I don't get a strong sense of that.  If Bob has really found a new friend, and intends to continue this friendship for his own betterment, spell this out a little more explicitly, I think.  This is a nice, odd concept that somehow feels incomplete as yet.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Don
Posted: February 27th, 2019, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Candu was a 2013 selection for the Cannes Festival Short Film Corner.

"...productions are examples of long distant collaboration. I have not yet met anyone in person from either production, but we communicated on line and email. The changes from the original script were mostly about locations which got adapted to the needs of the productions. "

- Steven


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: March 1st, 2019, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Very nice!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SBurton
Posted: August 20th, 2019, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks and hope you are doing great!
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