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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Starbuck Starr Moderators: bert
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  Author    Starbuck Starr  (currently 12997 views)
Don
Posted: December 16th, 2005, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Starbuck Starr by Robert Newcomer - Series, Western, Sci Fi, Action, Adventure - The most malevolent force in the universe has escaped…to the old west mining town of Hawk’s Rise, Nevada.  The fate of mankind soon rests in the hands of Sheriff Buck Starr and his small band of eclectic heros. - pdf, format

Starbuck Starr Episode Two:  Eleven Surprises by Robert G. Newcomer (bert) - Series, Western, Sci Fi, Action, Adventure - After gaining a new member, our band of heroes are in for the ride of their lives as Eleven, Moloch, and a bloodthirsty gang of banditos join them for a wild trip aboard a runaway train. 41 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  February 26th, 2006, 6:45pm
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bert
Posted: December 16th, 2005, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey...the Gods of Uploading have smiled upon me and here it is.  As usual, a quick nod to Don -- the only reason any of us are here at all.

Funny, I don't recall selecting quite so many genres -- but now that I see it -- I like it.

I would love your thoughts on this.  For those who generally shy away from commenting, even a "yeah, keep going" or "please, no more" will help me get a feel for how this first episode is working.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Nixon
Posted: December 16th, 2005, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert, tried to give this a read but it doesn't seem to be working for me. The error message reads:

You are lost... The page you are trying to go to doesn't exist anymore.

You can select a script catagory to your left or try the Simply Scripts ScriptSearch below.


-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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Don
Posted: December 16th, 2005, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Just goes to show what extremes Bert will go to...

No, seriously, bad on my part.  The link will work now.  

Don


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Old Time Wesley
Posted: December 17th, 2005, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Episode 1 Review contains spoilers.




I guess I kind of owe you this one seeing how you’ve read almost every episode of my series even ones that aren’t up and rewrites and so on so I thought I’d see how your masterpiece went and if it lives up to all the hype.

INT. BEYOND THIS DOOR – What? I hang my head with confusion.

On page 5 – ELEVEN says Armor and loaded… I guess that’s straight forward.

I thought Moloch was the good guy and these number characters were the bad guys but I see you have set a specific goal and I think it works really well with misdirection to get where we want to… the old west.

On Page 10 – ELEVEN lifts the mike and not the mic.

If this pod doesn’t launch until they’re about to crash wouldn’t they be in the atmosphere and therefore the pod would burn up while going up?

Emily and her description is just way too much as you should not go into that much detail.

Is their any reason why a father would ask his daughter to fetch his pants, sounds kind of weird.

Quote I mean, this guy is like lightning… Couldn’t you just use the next sentence and add he’s lightning fast without it being you telling us out of script.

Did you really need to describe the skull of Moloch again? I mean really as you did it once already.

I think you’ve really done it here man, it’s a good read and it’s very entertaining and flows very well and that’s hard to find. This may rival Expect No mercy on my favorite series list ha-ha but only time will tell on that as I’m eager to see if you can build on and make the series something special and unique and not just build up after build up that never leads to anything.

Great writing, intriguing story, characters are distinct, the bad guy works though I thought he was a good guy at first and the hero well Buck Starr is as of yet to become the real protagonist as he’s just not that special to me yet as the reader.


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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dogglebe
Posted: December 17th, 2005, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed the story, Bert.  It seems like a good blend of western and sci-fi.  I look forward to reading the next chapter.

My biggest problem was in your descriptions.  Too often, you describe things in wordy and over dramatic ways.  Examples of this include on page 15:  "Buck draws.  Fast.  I mean, this guy is like lightning."  I don't this is appropriate.

I don't know how much you're going for the old Roy Rogers westerns, or the spaghetti westerns.  You're kinda bouncing back and forth here.  You should lean more to one or the other (personally, I'd pick Roy Rogers).


Phil
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CindyLKeller
Posted: December 17th, 2005, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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bert,
I'm glad to see that this one is up for reading. I'll have to come back to it though. These 12 hour work days are rough.  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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bert
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys.

Wes:  There were a couple of times that I almost pulled out that description of Emily.  Not sure why I left it.  Maybe to see if somebody else would gripe about it.  I agree with you, and it will probably go.

Phil:  A passing grade from the dogg is always a good thing.  Both you and Wes hated the "lightning" line, so that will probably be reconsidered.  I hadn't considered "sub-genres" for Westerns, but maybe the tone does fluctuate a bit too much.  I'll keep that in mind as I go along.

Cindy:  That's retail for you.  Merry Christmas  


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Martin
Posted: December 18th, 2005, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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Well, Bert, you didn't disappoint. I think this a solid start to your series.

As usual, your descriptions drew me into the story. You seem to have a knack for choosing exactly the right adjective. The trouble with sci-fi scripts is that writers are tempted to describe too much of the world they've created. In the opening sequence I think you give us just enough to form a mental image of what the ship and the aliens look like without going overboard.

I love how you describe Barbos and Moloch. In fact, Barbos is my fav. character so far. That probably says a lot about me and my taste (or lack of it)

Be consistent with your slugs. You have INT. BEYOND THIS DOOR which is a little awkward as it is, then, later, the same location is INT. BARBOS AND THE BLOCK

I usually stick up for your descriptions but the 'lightning' thing kinda pulled me out of the story.

There are a few parts where you're a little wordy. The saloon fight, for example. It's great writing but, for an action sequence, I want to be zipping down the page. It'd be nice to see a change of pace with some fragmented sentences. Don't change too much though because you have a good 'voice' and it's the reason I like reading your stuff.

As far as characters go, we meet quite a few in a short space of time but they are well introduced. I'd say only Emily is lacking because her few lines of dialogue reveal nothing about her character. I liked how you introduced the Indian 'he was my horse' - those few words say a lot.

Overall, really good stuff. I hope you continue this series because we've only had a taster so far and I wanna see where you take it.
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Shelton
Posted: December 19th, 2005, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

I finally got around to checking this out, and I wasn't disppointed.  I went into it thinking of a serial like the old school Flash Gordon type stuff, and I still have the kind of vibe coming from it, however, I got to thinking about what I initially thought when I read your WIP thread and what I initially perceived it to be, so I jumped in the ol' wayback machine known as google, and lo and behold,  here is your hero.





BraveStarr!  This was a cartoon that came out sometime around the late 80's, and had that futuristic western theme to it.

If memory serves this was rather short lived, and from what I've read so far your story will go in a different direction.  I just thought you'd like to have a visual other than Briscoe County Jr.

Keep up the good work, and I will keep checking these out.

Mike


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theprodigalson
Posted: December 19th, 2005, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton








And knowing is half the battle...G.I. JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE

That looks like one of the G.I. Joe guys. i could be wrong considering i was born 86 and don't know many obscure 80's cartoons.

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bert
Posted: December 20th, 2005, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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LMFAO!!  I've seen plenty of cartoons in my day, but I sure don't remember this guy...and you even remember Brisco County!  Perhaps you spent a little too much time in front of the tube, Mike...

Martin:  Thanks, man.  It's becoming pretty clear that playing fast and loose with the slug lines is a bad idea, and the "lightning" thing will surely go.  Part of the challenge with Emily is to avoid a generic "damsel in distress".  It won't become clear until later what her character is bringing to the party.

Prodigal:  I would sure appreciate a critique from your slightly skewed point of view.  Aren't you even a little curious about what's going on with this one?


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Martin
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Damn, I remember BraveStarr. I knew there was something familiar about the name Starbuck Starr (coffee franchise aside)

Regarding sluglines, I was always told to be consistent i.e. if you go back to the same scene twice, you should have the same slugline. It makes it easier for production purposes and it avoids confusion for the reader.

When can we expect the next episode?
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bert
Posted: December 20th, 2005, 9:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Martin
When can we expect the next episode?


Feedback on this first one really gives some good leads as to what should come later (it helps, folks -- honest!), so I will give a little time to let a few more critiques (hopefully) roll in as I rework the next one.  I try not to rush things.

The next episode is running long -- an action sequence on a runaway train is taking up alot more pages than the outline had suggested it would.

I might split it into two, and release them one after the other fairly quick, or hold off a bit and release a longer one.  We'll see what happens during Christmas break.



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CindyLKeller
Posted: December 20th, 2005, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi bert,
I got to read this one this morning. Here goes...





SPOILERS  

The first description kind of had me questioning what I was reading.
A shambling, misshapen brute, squat, with huge arms, pushes a cleaning cart with rattling wheels.
Then you go on later in the scene and introduce Barbos in caps. I thought Barbos was another character until the dialogue came in.
Shouldn't it be something like this: BARBOS, a stout brute, with huge arms, pushes a cleaning cart with rattling wheels.
The characters are all pretty cool, except Emily needs some work since she is going to be a big part of this story. What is she good at or bad at? How does she help the story along? Is she a fighter or maybe a good cook, bad cook? Maybe since she is the daughter of an inventor, maybe she has an education. Maybe she knows about different herbs, and maybe her and the Indian could cook something up for the aliens to poison them. Or maybe they'll put booze into the food. Just a thought.  
I didn't like the fetch the horses and my trousers lines. Did men really tell women to get their horse back then? I thought they all looked at women as they were weaker than them. Maybe have him say something along the lines of we gotta warn the town, to the horses... something like that.
One more thing ... the word "technology". Was it even around back then? Technology like I've never seen before. Hum... Maybe something like: Some new invention that I've never seen before, since he is an inventor.

Okay, now for the good. Pretty neat story. I liked the descriptions. Very original. And now that you have brought the two worlds together, you have formed a fit that works like hand and glove.  
At first when you were talking about this one, I was kind of like, I don't know...
But you do know what you are doing, and it's turning out to be something really neat.
I can't wait to read the next episode.
    



Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama

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CindyLKeller  -  December 20th, 2005, 12:43pm
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