The Time Of Your Life by John Manson - Series - In the pilot episode of this series about teenagers portayed in a realistic manner: (no Dawson's Creek), Jerry helps Luke tackle his lady issues when trying to ask a friend to go with him to a party.  - html, format

so this is suppose to be teenagers portrayed in a realistic manner? then my friends and i must be doing everything wrong because i've never seen anyone my age act anything like this... everything your characters do is too technical. i'm gonna appologize right now if i sound really mean.

my guess is that you are in the eigth grade or you are near your forties and completely forget what high school was like... but i don't see how it is possible that you yourself are actually in high school. i'm sorry, but everything is wrong. my critiques will probably sound really technical and dumb, but i just found every thing wrong!

what type of parties do you go too? you treat keebler's house like a night club... no one plans a party like that... i've never been to a party where viewing rooms are set up to show bootleg videos of new movies... there might be music, but why are they dancing? like i said, it's not a night club, it's someone's house.. and sorry, but this just made me laugh, who goes to a party for a date? you don't take a date to someone's party, i've never seen anyone ask someone to go out with them to a party, have you? it's just funny sounding. no one does that! you just go to the party, if a girl you like is there, you hang out, maybe make a move, maybe things work out. and just because you ask someone out doesn't mean you have a relationship, you're just trying something out, if it works, it works, but that doesn't mean you are in a relationship.

one more random and pointless quirk, but it got to me... they all listen to and love country... not to bash country... country is ALL i listen too... but your average every day teens DON'T listen to country... the boys listening too or watching an n*sync video is more believable than faith hill (twice?!?!)!!!

so there are my weird quirks that bothered me from your script... script/story/screenplay wise the thing is pretty bland. there's nothing to it... you don't really have a impressionable story... guys go to party, guy #1 has lady troubles... that's nothing new... there's nothing wrong with using a repeated formula AS LONG as you don't COMPLETELY repeat the formula. you repeated.

there's nothing to your characters. the three lead guys are pretty much the same person with different names and maybe one trait different from the other. keebler is a stereotypical, stifler like guy, which isn't anything wrong, but you started in that direction, but you made him nice. sure he's spoiled, but he is pretty much just steven/luke/jerry #4 only with some money. megan is just flat out boring, there's nothing to her at all. she's just there. the mom is just another TERRIBLE/LAME/STEREOTYPICAL/JUST FLAT OUT TYPICAL teen comedy mom who tries to be the buddy and makes jokes and teases with the kids... but she's not good... she's not funny... gwen is your best and pretty much only character... she is awkward (apparently she is big and butchy... though last i checked 95 lbs didn't qualify for big and butchy... is she suppose to be fat?)... she garners the only laugh. your characters is just too young, too immature, too stupid from lack of experience, and just flat out too cutesie to enjoy. they are little kids pretty much... which is awkward because in the beginning one of your character's let's a "fuck" slip out and they talk about a threesome with Faith Hill and Shania Twain... (WHY FAITH HILL AND SHANIA TWAIN... don't get me wrong, they are gorgeous women... but they are old(er) and no one is gonna relate to thinking about having a threesome with them... there are SOOO many more choices you could have goe with... lindsay lohan, beyonce, scarlett johansson, ana kornikova, kirsten dunst, halle berry, angelica jolie, jessica alba, jessica simpson, britney spears... do i really have to continue... those are the girls REAL 14 and 15 year olds talk about) you mentioned Dawson's Creek in your summery and that this is suppose to be more realistic than Dawson's Creek... are you sure? Any episode of Dawson's Creek is more believable than this. And I've only seen 6 or 7 maybe? Buffy the VAMPIRE SLAYER is more believable than this... did i mention the vampire thing? oh by the way... did you know there's pretty much only five scenes in this thing? i can't believe i'm saying this... but it's TOO short... give the thing some substance... also, is it a comedy? is it a drama? is it science fiction (i know it's not science fiction)... but there is no sense of genre to this thing... you don't have to make it full fleshed drama or full fleshed comedy, but give your readers some sense on whether or not they should be laughing or not...

some of your "funny" lines

BRENDA: Righteous duds
(very cool for a very cool mom)

KEEBLER: Some of the science geeks got word that I have a copy of "March of the Penguins."
(because that's what nerds watch(?) ever heard of Star Wards or Star Trek or anything with "Star" as the first word in the title)

STEVEN: It's her.
GWEN: Her who? Cher? Madonna? Michael Jackson?
(do you know NOTHING about what's popular anymore? or is this a "gwen thing")

MEGAN: Well at least I still have my good-looks.
LUKE: Shut up-a yo face.
(why, why, why, why, why???

MEGAN: Jerry, I've been meaning to ask you why you live and go to school with your cousins?
JERRY: My dad lives in the Ghetto. I don't wanna get stabbed.
(good to know... pretty, PRETTY random)

STEVEN: Hey, look! It's a clear night. You can even see the stars.
GWEN (joining him at the window):Hey, what's that really bright one?
(Luke and Megan share a humorous glance.)
LUKE: I think that's Venus.
(aww, how touching... excuse while i go throw up)

ON THE PLUS SIDE... you have great formatting... do you use Final Draft or anything?

i'm not saying quite writing... i would NEVER EVER say that... but just think about what you are writing about as you write? does it sound like someone human beings would actually do? did you read your script after you finished it? did it seem real to you? are you in the eigth grade and have u never been to a high school party? i know i sound like a dick, but i'm trying to be honest and helpful... i hope i am... you can hate me, but as long as i'm helpful... good luck in the future...

one last question...

are you in the eigth grade?

i don' know where that smilie came from... apparently this ?) makes a smilie... i thought this is though

man... well i'll certainly try harder next time