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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Festival of Fights Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Festival of Fights by Gregory J. Baldwin (docjones2005) - Short, Comedy - Sometimes the holidays bring out the worst in all of us.  Does a menorah really have more religious significance than a Christmas tree? - pdf, format


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greg
Posted: January 2nd, 2006, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This will be my last submission for a while unless there's another one week writing exercise.  I'm going to put most of my attention into turning Cobb Hill into a feature.  This story is roughly based off something that happened at the Sacramento Capitol building last year.  Hope you like it!


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bert
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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I saw that you weren't crazy about this title, but went with it anyway.  I think it works pretty well for what you have going on here.  This is an amusing short, appropriate for the holidays (that's plural -- holidays) and you end up with a fairly long list of characters but manage to keep them fairly distinct over a short number of pages.  In fact, I think you might even be able to handle a few more in this one.

(SPOILERS)

*  Granted, Moe is a little intolerant, but did you intend for him to appear as ignorant as he does?  It seems like you might be able to plumb a little more comedy from characters who are intelligent and well-spoken.  (OK, later I see we are going to have lots of characters, so this comment is retracted).  In fact, I like how everybody is introduced nice and quick throughout the piece.
*  I am not sure, but I don't think Kwanzaa has much religion to it at all.  I think it is all about family and community, and Jerome would probably say so.  Maybe you should research that one a bit.  It can't be too hard to find out information on that.
*  Francisco is my favorite character here.  By far.  The third person references.  The frequent absences.  What a guy!  Ahahah!  And the "super" for the person following Francisco made me laugh out loud.  This piece is really starting to pick up speed now.
*  How does Rabbi Larry respond to the events that close out this piece?  His silence as things erupt anew is kind of strange.  Perhaps he should participate in the argument this time?

This has some good laughs in it, but it maybe could be strengthened if some of the theology were touched on a bit more.  It kind of gets brushed over, but then, maybe you don't really intend to go that deep.  Maybe add a Muslim or a Buddhist to our cast?

So, anyway, I liked this pretty good, but if you ever do get around to reworking it, I think it should end stronger.  Maybe with some fisticuffs and the cops showing up and arresting people.  Or maybe that's too much.  I don't know.  It seems to kind of fizzle out just as things are getting interesting again.  Will this ever be resolved?  I think that's what's missing here.  It may be difficult to come up with a satisfying resolution to the scenario you have laid out, but I think this piece needs one to feel "complete".


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Shelton
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Greg,


SPOILERS

Good timing with these one considering the holidays, and the recent debate of holiday trees vs. christmas trees and what not.  I really enjoyed the cast of diverse characters, especially Francisco, who was just hilarious.

When I got to the part where Rabbi Larry enters, I was a little worried that this was going to end with a feelgood resolution.  I'm glad I ended up being wrong.  I do think there's room for a couple more pages at the end to help in really ending things, but it isn't 100% necessary.

Overall, a nice piece of work.  I found it topical and funny at the same time.


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greg
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Thanks guys, I appreciate the reads.

Bert, my intention was to make Moe a complete dumbass, almost an aggravating dumbass.  The whole situation is flat out stupid so I tried my best to make some crafty characters.

Mike, props to you for the name Francisco Guadalupe.  And your stuff is on my to-do list, just so you know.

Thanks again guys.


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Shelton
Posted: January 3rd, 2006, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from greg
Mike, props to you for the name Francisco Guadalupe.


HA!  I didn't even catch that originally, and even had to think about it for a minute after just reading it, but I'm good now.  Always glad to help, and so is Jack.


Mike



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