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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Renegade Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 6th, 2006, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Renegade by Kyle Pell - Action - John is on the run from the government. He cant trust anybody and they're always watching him. But the government has sent someone after him. He has something that even he doesent know. Now he has a highly trained bounty hunter after him. he needs to finde out what it is hw has and how to get away alive... - doc, format


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Gravell
Posted: January 12th, 2006, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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I'm new to this site and this is the script that drew me here,I lIked it, I can visualise it almost like a manga Movie but gripping. just wanna know what happens next?   oooppps i forgot i ain't payin so you aint sayin. good movie script.


You Gotta be kidding me!  
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bert
Posted: January 12th, 2006, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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"The masked man pulls some crazy matrix like move on John and knocks him out."

The above quote is a key action sequence from this nine-page epic.

Are you around, Kyle, for a little feedback?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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TobiasMoran
Posted: January 12th, 2006, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Methinks Bert had his tongue planted firmly in cheek with his last post

My thoughts - blunt criticism? Not good at all. Format is poor, structure is poor, and I've heard better dialogue in porno movies. Where is the plot? What is the plot?

Characters? We have the "Masked Man", and then simply "Man" at the end who turns out to be the masked man, really. Or did I miss something?

?

Typos are ok, since we all have them now and then. Shooting descriptors are everywhere, down to which song is playing in the background when the "action" takes place.

From reading your script, Kyle, I would assume one of two things. Either you're in high school or this is your very first script attempt. Either way, it's cool. This site seems to appear to me to be pretty friendly and a place to glean from others. Do that. Don't take anything personally.

1. Read THIS - http://www.geocities.com/fabdaeclectic/ProperScriptFormat.pdf

It will help you structure your script. Start from the beginning and re-do it.

2. Dialogue - What would YOU say if you were in John's shoes? This will help you formulate better dialogue.

3. Plot - gotta have one brother.

4. Punctuation - You gotta be smooth with that. It took me twice as long to read a nine pager than it normally should. It's because I had to re-read certain parts because there was poor punctuation.

Keep working hard and don't give up.
Tobias




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bert
Posted: January 12th, 2006, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Actually, Tobias, Bert was wondering how Kyle would be able to respond...as someone other than Gravell  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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dogglebe
Posted: January 12th, 2006, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I'm on Bert's side with this one.

How did this one particular script draw you to this site?  The synopsis is dull and poorly written.  It doesn't sound original.


Phil
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guyjackson
Posted: January 12th, 2006, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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I may be mistaken but that fight at the conclusion reminded me a lot of the ending of Metal Gear Solid 2 when Raiden and Solidus fought with swords.  

This script was...interesting...to say the least.  
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Gravell
Posted: January 13th, 2006, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Thought I might get an ass kicking, but hey, It was the first one i read and the title sounded ok and it was easy to visualise. Don't shoot the visitor whilst he reads The Shield script AGAINNN!!!


You Gotta be kidding me!  
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George Willson
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 5:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

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Well, Gravell, I can at least agree with your sig...


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Gaara
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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well it was short even for a short which can't be good.

The characters were badly fleshed out and didn't make me interested in them at all.

You have the masked man telling John to meet him but also that he can not be trusted. If I guys told me to meet him somewhere but that he can't be trusted I would probably NOT meet the guy.

Then the guy tells John that he is here to kill him and obtain a chip that is in his computer, on the back of his computer. Make up your mind. is it in the computer on on the computer?

Talking about the dialogue. It seemed a bit forced an unnatural to me. Try speaking it outloud to yourself...it just doesn't work.

Well that's my 2 cents worth


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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