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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Good Try, We Don't Like It Moderators: bert
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  Author    Good Try, We Don't Like It  (currently 2508 views)
Don
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Good Try, We Don't Like It by Topher Ryves and Bruce Snyder - Comedy - A guy, Jerry, falls for his best friend, Audrey.  - rtf, format


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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: January 15th, 2006, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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this is a rought draft of the script. Currently some of the formatting is off as well, and I'm going to have an html draft hopefully up soon.
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Shelton
Posted: January 16th, 2006, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Topher and Bruce,

Just finished this up, and not bad.

I think Leon was the only genuinely funny character in the script, but the other ones could be if their quirks were played to a little more.

I think the best part of this, overall, was in the structure.  Character intros and goals, the roadblock, and then the climax all fit together nicely.  A few things I noticed.

Pg. 11 - SimplyScripts Plug....LOL

Leon's poem would be far too long to sit and watch.

Is it Bill or Ben?

The could of's, would of's, and should of's.  These should be changed to could've, would've, and should've.

I was rather pleased with the ending, as it strayed away from the usual formula.

Overall, a nice effort, but this really needs to be proofed, proofed, and then proofed again since the grammar and spelling issues fall on the heavy side.


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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: January 16th, 2006, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I gathered it'd need a couple redraftings. It actually is Bill, so I'll make sure to go through and change that. I agree that the characters still need to be fleshed out too.

I do consider it a dramedy more then a pure comedy, so I think a lot of it is how I see it played out in my head. You know. I find the store scenes to be the funniest and are played for pure comedy.

Thanxs for the reveiw Mike, it helps.
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: January 18th, 2006, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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anyone else care to read?

Please.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Chris_MacGuffin  -  January 20th, 2006, 12:02pm
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Antemasque
Posted: January 31st, 2006, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Alright Topher i promised you i would read this and i did. But i didn't see the 'spark' in it. Like the thing that keeps it moving. I read it all so i was entertained but not fully. Maybe a rewrite with some better ideas and what not could be used? I don't know but i think it could be much better.

6/10
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Bluetone
Posted: February 22nd, 2006, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Topher,

Haven't read many scripts, so this is a layman's opinion.

I liked it overall, but I agree with the previous opinion. If you found an edge, then it could help drive it forward a touch more.

That's my humble opinion.

Peter
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: March 3rd, 2006, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the comments. I'm in the middle of drafting and casting.  I'm looking to begin filming sometime mid-late May. Any suggestions for how I could give this an edge?
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: August 23rd, 2006, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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The film is now in production and about 60 minutes of this have been filmed. I'm looking for people to help with the PR campaign.

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Chris_MacGuffin  -  August 23rd, 2006, 1:32pm
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Higgonaitor
Posted: August 30th, 2006, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Well, i know you statretd filming, but i read it anyway.

I ilike dit.  The nest part was Steve tackling Jerry nea the end, it was perfectly random, and just amazingly hilarious.  Some of your dialogue worked very well, where other parts fell flat, but tha is the sort of thing that gets smoothed out during filming.

Certain questions that have no question mark i found to be annoying.

I really liked the store manager, and think you should have another interviewing scene, perhaps build rellationships more their, if you can film any more.

I enjoyed it, so good job.

Tyler.


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