SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 20th, 2019, 5:48am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Western Scripts  ›  Soulslinger Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Soulslinger  (currently 1495 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2006, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13268
Posts Per Day
1.95
Soulslingers by Marc Bloom - Short, Western - An ancient relic is stolen by two juveniles, releasing its three  hellbent guardians who will stop at nothing to reclaim it. It's up to a couragous sheriff and his townsfolf to destroy the guardians and return the relic to its righhtful owner. - Entry for the January '06 One Week Writing Exercise Thing - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 28th, 2006, 12:07pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Andy Petrou
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 7:16am Report to Moderator
Regular



Posts
714
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hiya,

I am finding it easier to just make notes as I read - I've pointed out the errors I've come across along the way for you.

You wrote - "The MCONNEL brothers, ADAM AND LEROY snigger and applaud solcastically" - do you mean sarcastically?

Spelling - "Adam is hansom" - change to handsome

Typo - "Samuel, may You reap in its glory" - change to lower case 'Y'

Format - Put "ACROSS THE ROAD" and "Sit Adam and Leroy" on the same line. No need to be disjointed.

Note - When you first introduce Princess, be sure to make it all uppercase in the description.

Note - "Actually a church, but for now itís an emergency town hall." - If we can't see this, then don't write it.

Note - The Merriman's order speach needs a ? at the end.

Note - "Leroy and his gal are at it like two rabbits on heat" - change this to in heat.

After the jail roof scene and down below, your description is too long and too spaced out. You'd save a ton of space by merging them together and making the action more concise.

Overall this was an interesting read. It struck me as a western ghost story, but the general store part was brief. However, you have an interesting concept to work with here. I think it could be polished up and given a bit more depth. Cut back on the spacing of your descriptions and make them more concise, and you'd have plenty of more pages to give this short a more solid story.

I liked it and great title btw.

Andy xxx
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
herb_West
Posted: January 22nd, 2006, 10:24am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
thank you for your help, i've made the necessay corrections, thanks for the exercise i'm learning all the time.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
James McClung
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.66
I liked this one. A good mix of western and horror. The scene with Leroy's princess and the guardian was pretty twisted.

There were a few spelling errors but other than that, I have little to quibble about. Good work.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
George Willson
Posted: January 23rd, 2006, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.74
Ok, first off you need a slugline to tell us where we are. It's required.

Adam and Leroy...need to know how old they are. The age will determine almost EVERYTHING about their character. As I go through it, their ages in my mind get older and older.

Solcastically? I've got a pretty big vocabulary, and I don't know this word.

The transition from the theft to Samuel is badly done. There should be sonething to indicate that we aren't going in just as the boys run out. The overall description in the scene where Samuel enters his shop and rummages around is very confusing. Not sure what is going on there beyond the obvious.

One of your guardians started as Elai and then his name changed to Eliah. Something to watch for.

The ending was ok, but I didn't really understand it. I think I can piece it together, but I shouldn't have to. And according to your logline, the relic has to go the the owner for the guardians to be stopped, and yet they stopped without it going back to Samuel.

Overall, I think the concept was good, but it would need a lot of work to flesh it out for the execution to live up to the hype.

...and the anonymity seems to be gone on this one. Welcome to the boards, Herb. Hope you hang out and write more. You might be able to flesh this one out into a full-lenght script, or at least give it some more meat on its bones.



Revision History (1 edits)
George Willson  -  January 23rd, 2006, 7:17pm
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
bert
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 10:15am Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4516
Posts Per Day
0.86
This one is a little different.  A good title, with a unique horror approach and a few scenes of nice mayhem.  But the potential here is not fully realized.

(SPOILERS)

*  The formatting is off, with weird spacing and missing sluglines.
*  Why does Samuel stop and say "Sh*t"?  There seems to be no reason for this.
*  Intestines in her hair?  I am not sure this would work -- or would even occur -- but it is fun to think about.
*  On the jail roof, what is the large "BOOM"?  Unexplained noises -- without a source and included purely for effect -- are a big peeve of mine.  Particularly in horror scripts, where you most often find them.

We don't really get enough from our characters here to care much about what happens to them.  That's tough in a short, sure, but it can be done with careful selection of dialogue, and the actions you give to that character.  Princess kind of disappears, the guardians will occasionally attack with the wrong weapon, and I don't recall seeing Jakob at all after his initial appearance.

I have yet to see your comments on any of these stories, Herb.  I think you would benefit from having a look at a few of the other submissions -- look for comments that mention good formatting and pop those open for a read.  Study their format, and how they have constructed their stories, then apply that to your own work.  And don't be shy about leaving a few words for the author -- everybody likes that  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
herb_West
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
8
Posts Per Day
0.00
Thanks Bert for the tips. I have to admit i did experiment with the format, obviously didn't work.  Because it is a horror i often feel the supporting players should be disposable, that's why they come and go. Anyhow, i'm learning all the time about pacing and dialogue, i appreciate you giving it a  Read.

-Herb

Read my next script:
Barbies and Blood
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
George Willson
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Doctor who? Yes, quite right.

Location
Broken Arrow
Posts
4023
Posts Per Day
0.74
Unless someone is a complete extra, you should avoid making them disposable. We need to relate to what's going on in the story, or we don't care. The best way we can relate to what i sgoing on is by making the characters as real as possible. Try to figure out what they were doing beore they entered your script, why they are there, and where they're going later (or at least intended to go). That makes for a good start. Beyond this, figure out why they act how they do, and that will only improve upon your writing.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
Heretic
Posted: January 27th, 2006, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1716
Posts Per Day
0.30
Bonus points for doing something different than anyone else, but I didn't like this one too much.  It felt like the horror was a little too standard, and the idea of stealing a relic and releasing demons is hardly original.  I also didn't think there was a place for names like Malachai and Eliah, if you are going for a Western feeling.

That said, and problems mentioned above aside, this was moderately well written, and for what it was, it was solid.  I think you might look at giving it a little more of a kick somehow though...or at least creating more sympathy for the characters.  Character sympathy goes a long way, especially in a horror.

Mixing western and horror is a great idea which isn't used enough.  In fact, I was thinking about doing a western/horror film...

Edit:  Don't recall if anyone mentioned it, but that's a great title.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Western Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006