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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Tech Support Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 7th, 2006, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tech Support by Tobias Moran - Comedy - A day in the lives of a misfit Tech Support staff. - doc, format


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TobiasMoran
Posted: February 10th, 2006, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Any thoughts? Feedback? I will definitely reciprocate.

Thanks!!


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Zac Shaffer
Posted: February 10th, 2006, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
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I laughed twice during this entire read. The overall writing style is very choppy, and I found myself changing words to make the flow of the action smoother. I'm not sure which of the three writers is doing the writing, but I would definitley change some things about the writing itself. There were good portions of the script for sure, but most of the time it was pretty monotone.

The main issue I had, was that I had to make things seem funny. The humor shouldn't be "masked" so to speak. There is a style to making writing itself funny, but it's defintley an area where many "comedy" writers fall short.

Suggestions

1.Lose the whole "odd speaking" spellings. (ie."W-W-W-W-well s-s-s-sir ")
Stuff like this is usually ad-libbed. Never scripted, unless it's crucial to the story.

2. The Jerry Springer joke near the end of the story is about 5 years too late.

3. The Evilyn "Screaming Sequence" came across as nothing more than filler. There are far beter methods to writing the good old "Screaming Ascension" sequences.

4. Take it easy with the parentheticals. You had quite a few.

5. "Shove my hard drive deep in your memory slot" I know what you're attempting to say, but this desciption doesn't make any sense.

6. What the character is wearing is more than often not even worth writing. Tight jeans & a suit, didn't make me think any more/less of your characters. It's the dialogue and action that makes you feel for a character...not his clothes.

There were many more things that jumped out at me, but they all point to one major point.

This script needs a lot of polishing, a lot of plot, and above all... a lot of humor!

Zac




Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zac Shaffer  -  February 10th, 2006, 1:28pm
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TobiasMoran
Posted: February 10th, 2006, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Zach,
Thanks man...I really appreciate it. I came in at the tail end of this script about two months ago, hoping to help clean it up for the two primary writers. This was originally written in 1999, so some things needed to be changed to bring it more up to date. I was a little bit hesitant to completely change what they originally wrote, but it looks like it needs more cleaning and polishing than I thought. I'll make sure I pass this onto the primary writers. Thanks again.


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Zac Shaffer
Posted: February 10th, 2006, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TobiasMoran
Zach,
Thanks man...I really appreciate it. I came in at the tail end of this script about two months ago, hoping to help clean it up for the two primary writers. This was originally written in 1999, so some things needed to be changed to bring it more up to date. I was a little bit hesitant to completely change what they originally wrote, but it looks like it needs more cleaning and polishing than I thought. I'll make sure I pass this onto the primary writers. Thanks again.


Nice to see someone who takes criticism well. That's a good quality, especially as a writer. I know my post may have come across a bit harsh, but that was probaly as honest as I could be with the script. Sugarcoating things is never good in reviews.

I look forward to the script revison.

Zac


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rymatt
Posted: February 10th, 2006, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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I did mostly have the same problems with the script as Zac did. I thought it was confusing at some parts. However, I did like the beginning voice overs and I think this script does have a lot of potential. I just can't get the feeling out of my head that it is like the 40-Year Old Virgin and if it were like that more it could be better.

I do think characters like Dale can give you a good laugh but his description and stuff has to be rewritten.
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