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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Common Man's Video Documentary Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Common Man's Video Documentary  (currently 1181 views)
Don
Posted: February 11th, 2006, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Common Man's Video Documentary by Steve Meredith - Short, Monologue - Jeremy Sanders is a man making a documentary.  In this monologue, he takes a look at his life, and recalls one very special night. 3 pages - doc, format


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dogglebe
Posted: February 11th, 2006, 11:34pm Report to Moderator
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I don't understand the point of this piece.  This documentary, that you've scripted, is just of a guy rambling on.  I got the impression that this is a first draft and that you were making it up as you went along.

A couple of other problems I found with it included:

Jeremy stands perfectly still during his three minute monologue?  Describe him moving around a litte.  Pacing, maybe.  It'll break up his dialogue, making it easier to read.

Does a newspaper reporter work a nine-to-five job?  I imagine his hours vary a great deal.  With his, his boss wouldn't care what hours he kept as long as he got the job done.

The monologue, IMHO, wasn't worth the applause.

Sorry.


Phil
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Takeshi
Posted: February 13th, 2006, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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If you just leave the camera on a guy standing there, reciting a monologue, the audience will become bored. If you want to turn this into something resembling a short film, you're going to have to mix up the imagery. I'd film the guy entering and exiting the stage in super 8. When he's talking about his home life, work and the pizza parlour, I would also show footage of that in super 8, with the monologue continuing as a voice over.
Mix it with the digital footage of him on the stage and it might just work.
As for the script, I related to a few of the sentiments in it, but it probably wouldn't hurt to try a few rewrites, just to see if you can tighten it up a bit. Good luck
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