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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  Whispers (was Vengeance) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Whispers (was Vengeance)  (currently 5739 views)
Don
Posted: February 11th, 2006, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Whispers (was Vengeance) by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Thriller, Horror - A highschool cheerleader decides to have a couple of her friends over while her parents are out of town for the weekend.  Creepy things have been going on all around the house with no explanation, and on top of that there seems to be someone watching every move they make. 107 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 6th, 2006, 6:58am
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darkofan
Posted: February 11th, 2006, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not going to lie to you. As soon as i read:

A highschool cheerleader decides to have a couple of her friends over while her parents are out of town for the weekend

- I thought: THis is crap. Too stereotypical. How many times does the popular girl invite people for a party and things go wrong.

Haven't read the script though, but I will.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 12th, 2006, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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I would love some feedback on this script, I don't think I described it well in the log line but what's done is done.  I would consider this a cross between the original halloween and the shining.  If you have any comments or advice I'd love to hear it, and if you have any scripts I'd love to read them, it helps a lot to read other peoples work.  thanx for taking the time in reading this.


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bert
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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I would consider this a cross between the original halloween and the shining.


So, hey -- I appreciate your looking at "The Farm", and I am eager to hear your comments as to how it might be improved.

I've been too busy to do many "read exchanges" lately, but I'll go ahead with this one since it's new and hasn't had many looks yet.

That, and I really, realy like "The Shining".  I hope this story delivers on that!  (I'll call you on it if it doesn't  ) Oddly, more than one reader has compared Farm to that film, but I would never put something like that out there on my own -- maybe that's just me.

Anyways, after your comments are up I'll take a look at this story and give it a comparable treatment -- with honest feedback.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 15th, 2006, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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thanks bert, any feedback would be great, good or bad, anything that would help inprove the script and my writing.


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bert
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Alright, I read through this over the past couple of days and have some thoughts on it.  Your format is great.  You've got that.  You need to work on generating loglines, although what you've got here is a pretty fair description of the story.

The story is a fairly conventional slasher, with a little supernatural tossed into the mix.  There is nothing wrong with the "skeleton" of this story -- not really -- but it is a bit longer than it needs to be -- and it has a coupla' holes:

(SPOILERS)

*  For our opener, we've got:  "It was only a dream".  That is a contrivance that has fallen out of favor in recent times, I think.  Some readers will frown at this.
*  Mrs. Bergman actually says some funny things -- like "sexing" haha -- is that even a word?
*  You've got Christine descending into the basement -- but never resolve it.
*  By page 30, I am starting to feel that there is a little too much "teenage chatter" going on.  Some of this could be tightened up.  This is true of a few spots later, too.
*  The scene in the bathroom is pretty cool, if a bit disgusting.
*  Pg. 49:  How does the POV (there are too many of these, by the way, but you already know that) "move to the top floor of the house"?  Is this guy flying?
*  I figured it out later, but at first, had absolutely NO idea who Mr. and Mrs. Myers were.  You must -- must -- establish these characters earlier.  At least a phone call or something.
*  And -- my biggest beef here -- the guy from the video store???  Oh, man.  I had to go back and find him.  He is never named, and has no dialogue.  Oh, boy.  I'll come back to this in a second.
*  Having mom come back like you do is pretty good, and it gives a very quick and reasonable explanation for all of the supernatural goings on.  But you might want to tone back some of the really "evil" things that occur, as she is a benevolent spirit, and it raises some questions as to why she is being so downright frightening to these kids.

So, here is what I would fix if this were my story.  First:  Why would this guy carry out the plan during this big party -- with all these people running around?  It seems this plot could simply be delayed for another time --

-- unless (and I recommend this) you establish earlier in the story that Andrew is somehow unbalanced.  Make him a little more "there", you know?  If you just have him pop up like he does, out of nowhere, you will have people throwing popcorn at the screen.

And the same thing is true of the Dad and Step-Mom.  You introduce three major characters in the last couple of pages, and that is just stretching the boundaries of this story too far.

But if you bring these people in earlier, you can fix most of that.

So, in a nutshell:  Less time with the teens (who are all established well) and a little more time with the other three -- ultimately important -- characters.  We need to know them -- at least a little -- for this story to work like it could.  

Hope some of these comments help you out.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Thank you bert for you review.  You pointed out a lot that I knew I needed to change, and a lot that wooshed over me.

you are totaly right about Mr. & Mrs. Myers, I need to introduce them sooner, that didn't even occur to me *blushes*.

I also agree with the guy from the video store, I'm thinking of taking that whole scene out, it's just confusing.

The POV'S r waaaaaaaaaaay to much, I need to cut down most of them.

I know there is way too much teenage YAK(that's what I like to call it), I need to trim it down.

The part of the mother scaring her childrem, the reason they are so evil and frightning is because she does want too scare her children out of the house.  It's kinda like those drunk driving crashes you have to watch, it's grusome, but it does have a purpose.

As for the "It's only a dream", that is at the very beginning, It's not really a dream, but forshadowing.

Thank you again for your advice, It will help me alot.


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bert
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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The part about the Mom scaring the kids is fine if you make it more clear that this is what she is doing.  One or two lines of dialogue could fix that.

The main reason I popped back on here, though, is something that occurs to me just now.

And that's the title.

Um....there isn't really anybody getting even with anybody else...there isn't any Vengeance going on here...that, and the fact that our friend George Willson has a script with the exact, same title posted elsewhere.

You might want to give this a different name.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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any ideas's, I suck at titles.

oj yeah and by the way, "SEXING" Isn't a word, but in eighth grade I was caught with this girl by her grand ma, and she used that word, even though what was going on was not sex, but I always remembered it.


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George Willson
Posted: February 21st, 2006, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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I noticed this one as soon as it came out because of the title. I wasn't too concerned about it, though, since a title can't be copyrighted. It does throw me off a little bit sometimes.

I am waffling back and forth on the title of another one of my scripts, because since I wrote it in 2001, two other films came out with the same name.

Now, if another Fempiror pops up...well, then we'll have issues.

And now that I've reared my head on this thread, I'll probably have to read it too just to satisfy my curiosity.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 24th, 2006, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Sorry George, I didn't know there was anothe script with the same name, I guess I'm lucky we're in different sections.  If you have any idea's for a title I'd love to hear it, I suck so bad at those.  anywho, hope your not to upset.  take care.


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The boy who could fly
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my re-write is up.  This was the first script I ever submitted.  The title has changed to "Whispers".  I cut a lot of the crap in the middle out and changed some things around so that if flowed a little better, it is now down to 103 pages.  I hope that it works a little better, even though this is hack'n'slash.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: June 27th, 2006, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Iím going to have to break this up.

PART I

****SPOILERS****

Someone was influenced by John Carpenter, I think. Mr. and Mrs. Meyers? The stranger POVs, watching a young boy, turning up at school, watching teenage girls. The teen girls talking about sex. It all leading up to a certain event. The breathing. Very much a Halloween feel to those scenes.

In fact, in some scenes, if you replaced stranger with shape, it may be a little too similar.

Though, I will say youíve picked a very good influence for anyone writing horror in my opinion. The first kill was on page 53 and the preceding pages were spent building characters. This shows a very promising intuitive understanding of what really works.

TECHNICALLY:

This was pretty well written. Youíre 18, I think? For your age, you write very well. Above average.

There were some grammar errors. It wasnít too bad but there were a little bit more than I could notate.

P1 - Öwhy your leaving - should be - why youíre leaving.

Aloud to have boys over - should be allowed.

P25 - the way - not they way

P25 - Frankie grabs - not grads

Bo buts, Slat shaker. There are plenty more. Sometimes you donít have subject-verb agreement. (exp. Does that girls die?) Itís well written enough to overlook many of them but it still seriously needs to be proofread.

STORY:

You tell us theyíre in a foyer in the slugline. Why not just say: Mr. and Mrs. Meyers, both in their late forties,  put on their coats.

Christine tells Frankie to go to bed and he responds, ďOkay, Chris.Ē Mmm, I donít know about that. Maybe a tad resistance to the notion or maybe Frankie yawns because heís tired. Or just end that scene before he says that.

Frankie snorts up some of theÖ.Ewww! You could word that better. How about sniffles? Sniffles loudly even? Anything else.

When you describe Mrs. Bergman, you call her Berman. Also, she has no make? Make up?

No need for an apostrophe in procrastinators. I thought Mrs. Bergman was going to say something about the way Christine was dressed. She nitpicked other things but not the obvious when Christine wore a miniskirt with a bare midriff.

Your all just looking for a good time - should be youíre. You get your possessives and your contractions mixed up sometimes.

Masturbation is the silent killer of the night? -- haha. Iíve never heard of such.

P26 - We just as well not show up - you may want to add a modal auxiliary verb like ďmayĒ to that sentence.

P28 - more p***y than a toilet seat - thatís pretty disgusting.


TO BE CONTINUED



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Breanne Mattson
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CONTINUED

PART II

****SPOILERS****

P28 - the last time you had p***y was when p***y had you - sorry, I donít get it. Iíll take your word for it that it means something.

P35 - as Christine leaves to go to the bathroom, she mentions being on the verge of p*ssing her pants. Two things: girls donít use the word p*ss a whole lot. Secondly, and mainly, she says sheís wearing pants but yet when in the bathroom, sheís wearing a skirt.

P36 - you know, you could just start that scene with her getting ready to flush the toilet and leave out the details of using the bathroom. Also, girls donít usually pull skirts down around their ankles. That would have them all over the floor. Girls usually watch out for their clothes.

P36 - a large sit? You mean zit?

I could cut a diamond -- haha.

P59 - Jesus please us? -- I didnít get this line.

There are times when you seem to have struggled with how to end a scene. Lines like, ďDonít let the door hit you on the **s on the way outĒ seem kind of forced to me. You could just as easily have ended that scene with Jacobís, ďFine, fine, fineÖĒ line. Enter late and leave early, you know. You enter well but sometimes you leave too late.

Frankie giving Stevie permission to date his sister was very cute.

Stevieís brother was named Lonnie -- an homage to Halloween? Maybe Christine is an homage to Stephen King?

Crystal Strode? -- now youíre getting way too obvious. Whereís Lake Laurie? -- haha.

The cops didnít check Stevie to see if he was drinking? That would be highly unlikely if he had been drinking shot after shot for hours straight, I think. Seemed a little implausible.

P80 - Alexis says, ďKay.Ē Thatís kind of Frankieís distinctive line. Itís probably better if no one else uses it.

I donít understand why the mom does some of the things she does. She wants to get his attention? By killing their plant? By grabbing his leg from under the bed and nearly killing him? That didnít make sense to me.

Ultimately, I think itís just too similar to Halloween. The slow moving masked killer who stalks horny teenagers with a knife and chases them around. You mixed it up a lot but the names didnít help disguise the obvious influence. It just gave it more of a Scream feel. (For a moment, I thought there might have been a character named Loomis but Scream already did that.)

The large two by four jammed into the doorknob was reminiscent of the rake that prevented Laurie Strode from escaping Michael Meyers.

The twist with the stepmother was nice. Mixing the psycho story with a ghost story was risky and I donít think it paid off altogether. Though, the effort is admirable. Still, there is a lot of good material here. I found myself wishing it had been a little more original, though.

It was an enjoyable read, however, and the scenes with the mother were quite touching. As I said, it has some definite strengths. But it has some definite weaknesses as well.

Strengths include good format, some well constructed scenes, giving character development as much attention as blood shedding. Several likable characters. An original twist with an original ulterior motive from the villain for this genre.

Weaknesses include the definite need for a proofread to correct spelling errors. It appears from other parts that you know better so a more careful proofread is probably necessary. Also a little lack of originality and a little too much dependence on Halloween. And the revelation of the psycho is not ultimately satisfying because, of course, itís an unknown character. Much could be gained from the strategic placement of him at some earlier point.

So it does have some flaws but itís still a worthwhile read.


Brea



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The boy who could fly
Posted: June 28th, 2006, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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thank you Brea for your comments, they will sure help with the re-write.

I did use Halloween as a guide, but I think any slasher flicj that involes a masked killer and teenagers does, I just thought it would be best to be honest with it.

the part with the 4x4 under the dooor must have been subconscience, I didn't even realize that till I read what you said

And Christine is my Girlfriend's name, not based on the Stephen King novel, I call her Nina, but her name is Christine.

The phrase "the last time you had pussy is when pussy had you" refers to, basically, being born you come from there, unless you're c-section, kids use to say that at school, I thought it was funny.

I actually tried to not have as kill till page 60, but it was getting too long and I cut stuff out, I wanted to hold off as long as I could.

The mother doing what she does was to frighten her children, maybe I went to far, but I just thought that she needed to really scare the hell out of the kids, but the part with the plants wasn't ment to be a scare tactic, more like she was her presence and that's what killed them.

Thank's again for the read and I will use what you gave me to try and make it better, maybe I should change some of tha name references and make it not quite as obvious.


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