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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Documentaries Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Documentaries by J.P.S. - Short, Comedy - Too many documentaries... 4 pages - doc, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Helio
Posted: March 2nd, 2006, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Dear JPS, I read..well I laugh..You crack me up...in just 4 f***** pages! It on the right hands...do you know what I mean, didn't you...go back at this and work harder put more 6 page on this untill it becomes great!

Great fucking idea, JPS!
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I_M
Posted: March 2nd, 2006, 8:05pm Report to Moderator
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Think again.

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Quoted from Helio
do you know what I mean, didn't you...


Um...I don't really know what you mean.


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
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Helio
Posted: March 2nd, 2006, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Then go and make your script better, because the your idea is nice!
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Heretic
Posted: March 3rd, 2006, 3:07am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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Little format things:

:In Neighbour 2's little spiel there, you have Clarice and Frank in all caps.  Never do this in dialogue (unless it's being shouted, I suppose).
:Those supers are a bit...oddly worded.  I'd try and make them a little more succint, if possible.

Other than that, I thought this was quite amusing.  The slapstick is great (I'm a big fan of such things), although the dialogue could use a little work.  Some of the jokes don't come off quite as well because of clunky dialogue - I dunno, it just seemed like the rhythm was off sometimes.

But it needs to be longer!  I had barely gotten into it.  The premise is great, and I really think this could be stretched out to twice the length quite easily.  For the documentary feeling, it's also better if you can have longer segments with one person.  

Good work though, this was funny.
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