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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Underneath Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Underneath by Jordan Wiebe (theboywhocouldfly) - Horror - In 1966 a small town is terrorized by a Werewolf.  They thought after they killed it things would go back to normal.  Forty years later the mysterious killings start up again, and all hell is about to break loose. 138 pages - pdf, format


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Don  -  March 4th, 2007, 1:12pm
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The boy who could fly
Posted: February 25th, 2006, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting this don.  I always wanted to write a monster movie, this was my first crack at it.  I had the basic idea way back in 9th grade, but only got around to writing it in the past month.  Any feedback would be great.


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darkofan
Posted: February 27th, 2006, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS***













I haven't read the entire thing, just the beginning. The whole ten year old death scene was just not good. I mean it was way too violent. He's only ten. I was thinking you should make em a little bit older if you want that scene, becuase although some would love it, the majority will hate it. And the werewolf being completely visible is also a bad idea. You lack surprise later on. And if you ever make the movie, your prop people would love you for it. It's more scary anyway. I'll finish readin it.
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darkofan
Posted: February 27th, 2006, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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I read up to about halfway and I could never really get into the script. You have too many "popcorn" scenes in the beginning. ( THe scene in the movie that explains the character but doesn't add to the story, so people go buy popcorn.) I felt it dragged on at times, and some of the lines were really cheasy like when sebastian says, they went into the woods for a little  ****y ****y. And when  Sara, I think that's her name, says you planted your **** in me. I feel that the opening sequence was way too long. You missed a great oppurtunity for a good stare down between the wolf and I can't remember his name, the old drunk who shoots himself. I will try to read the rest, maybe tomorrow.

so far 6/10
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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 1st, 2006, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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Darkofan, thanks for reading it(at least some of it), I did know the opening scene was graphic, and would turn off a lot of people, I wanted the first kill to be as disturbing as I could think of.  Other movies have done this like Jaws when the little boy is ripped apart and also in silver bullet when Marty's friend is shredded.  It maybe too violent but that was the purpose.

second, I agree the opening part is too long, it would probably be 15 minuetes of the movie, this is a first draft and there are things that need to be trimmed.

third, some of the dialog could be seen as cheesy, but I have heard people say those exact lines before, the ones you mentioned, but looking back on it I agree and I think I will take them out.

I know this needs some work, I just wanted some feedback before I started re-writing.  thannks again for your coments, they came in handy.


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Lon
Posted: March 1st, 2006, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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I can totally see where darkofan is coming from, here.  The opening kill scene is just way too graphic to involve a ten year old boy.  I can appreciate what you're trying to do by having the film start off with a horrific bang - way before he started sucking sour frog ass, Wes Craven used to do the same thing with the idea that if you show the viewer (or, in this case, the reader) something horrible right off the bat you have them thinking, "Wow, this is scary and it's only the beginning!".  But I think you went several steps too far.  You want really scary?  Have the claw swing at the kid then cut to blood splattering upon the snow; the reader's imagination will make it much scarier than any description ever could.

Speaking of graphic descriptions...reading the word "snot" three or four paragraphs in a row is beyond redundant.  No need to get THAT descriptive -- just knowing he's out in the snow and running and panicked is enough.

Watch your spelling, as well.  "A white rabbit hopes," "deader that the big bopper", etc.  Incidentally, I'm 34 and it took me a minute to remember who the Big Bopper was.  Having a ten year old refer to him in casual conversation just doesn't gel.

Other than that, I think your idea so far is good.  You just need to work on the execution.  

Good luck, and keep writing!   

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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 1st, 2006, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Lon, I can see what you're saying about the opening scene, It is extremely violent, probably the second most violent scene in the script.  Maybe I did go overboard.

I saw saw the spelling mistakes as well, they have been fixed, there are a couple more through out the script. .

the reason I picked the Big bopper was because He was the only celebrity  that I could think of that died before the 60's, I know there are others but that one just came to mind, I probably should have used Buddy Holly.

thanks for your imput, I'll put it to some good use.  hope you enjoy the rest of the script.


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James McClung
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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I read the opening scene to this and thought it was excellent. Francis falling down, breaking his nose, and getting bloody snot smeared all over his face felt raw, messy, and, overall, real. Horror at its best IMO.

I'll read the rest of the script before the week's over. The only reason I'm hesitating to do it now is because it's pretty long and I have a few things to do today and tomorrow.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 9th, 2006, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thank's James, I hope you like the rest of the script.  There are a few grammer and spelling mistakes in there that were pointed out to me, and a few others I found, so I'm fixing that, plus trying to shorten it, damn is that tough, but I would love some imput before I start a major re write.  thanks again.


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James McClung
Posted: March 10th, 2006, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Alright, finished.

Overall, an excellent werewolf story that ranks high amongst the goriest scripts I've read on the site. Not only do you have the blood but you seem quite keen on the use of organs as well. The final kill scene was especially brutal and genuinely disturbing as well (you know which scene I'm talking about). You also have some excellent characters in this as well. It was nice to see other things going on besides werewolf carnage. I thought the relationship between Casey and Sebastian was quite well done.

A couple things...

1. Like I said before, the script's way too long. I've suggested a few cuts below.

2. No need to put CUT TO at the end of each scene. That's kind of implied by the sluglines.

3. Sebastian goes from telling Francis to relax to agreeing with him too quickly. Fix this.

4. Specific song titles pop up throughout the script. I think you should lose them. If this script actually goes into production, they'll cause some complications later on.

5. I don't like the scene with Andrew and Katie for several reasons. First off, you already have one hell of an opening. To chase it with this is too much. The violence feels gratuitous at this point. Good horror films need breaks between the violence to build tension and for the violence to have any effect. Also, the whole situation is a bit too cheesy. It's almost like a spoof. I'd say lose the scene entirely since you come back to it later on.

6. We don't need the flashback scene with Casey nor him breaking the photograph. We already know he's upset about his mother's death. Lose it.

7. No need for Sebastian to reiterate his day at the bar. We already know what happened to him. Lose this as well.

8. You use V.O. with phone calls. Not O.S. This is something I've learned recently myself.

9. You need to capitalize Richard's character during his introduction.

10. Sebastian tossing Richard in jail without a phone call and proceeding to beat him seems completely out of character. Either lose all of it or have Richard actually do something that merits his incarceration. In any case, lose the beating.

11. Two major things are revealed to Sebastian in the third act: his childhood friend hasn't died in the manner Sebastian was told he has and his daughter is married and pregnant. Yet Sebastian barely reacts in either scene. This needs to be fixed.

All in all, a good story but too long. You've got a few spelling and punctuation errors throughout as well. Be sure to fix them. Good luck with the rewrite.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 11th, 2006, 4:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James for the tips.  I agree with you on many of the tips you gave.  yes it is very long, I have over 29 speaking parts and more than one story goin on at one time.  the cut to's were automatic with final draft, i guess i should have changed my settings, it would probaly cut my script down a page or two.

I know this is EXTREMLY violent, in the US it would probably get the nc-17(we don't have that in Canada so it never crossed my mind)

I wrote specific song titles in there because it does help me with the scene, I know it's unusual, but I think it helped me a lot, maybe I should take them out though.

you're dead on with the bar scene, I think I just need to show sabastian drunk, not telling his life's story, great observation.  thank you.

the V.O, and OS, That was my mistake I hit the wrong button, it is fixed as well as the spelling mistakes, plus Richard's introduction.

the prison cell scene I feel needs more there, I really want Sebastian to beat the shit out of Richard cause I think at that moment he doesn't really care and shows he's capable of brutality, but I totaly see where you're coming from.

you are 100% right about sebastian and his new found information, I need to explore that a bit more.

and I think I know what you mean about the final kill, and that is the one thing I would not change in my re-write, it has to happen for the outcome, Casey needs to be at the point of no return and i think that scene accomplishes it.

thanks again for your coments, they will help very much.  hope all your writing goes well.



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The boy who could fly  -  March 11th, 2006, 11:44am
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Shawnkjr
Posted: March 22nd, 2006, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa
This was pretty good. There were a few grammar/spelling mistakes. Like Huge instead of Hug. I agree with a previous poster when they said the relationship between Casey and Sebastion was very well done. When the boy falls and breaks his nose and the you talk about the bloody snot-i dunno i was disgusting. lol. this was pretty Gory and gruesome.
SPOILER








I started suspecting Casey as a werewolf a few scenes before the party but i didn't even think about his friends. I thought they were just there to get killed off. I was suspecting a huge werewolf attack at the football game where Tyler or one of the other friends turn while playing and attacking other players. That would've been great but the ending you came up with was way better. It wasn't the happy ending you usually get. It was adrupt and shocking and sad.
The new way of how they came to be was creative and simple. I would've liked to know more about the mythology behind it.
Toward the end were Casey turns and you call him Wolf Casey or Were Casey(or something like that) i thought that was funny because i started to think of him as a superhero or something. If you would've just put werewolf we would've known it was Casey. I like how you'd have the songs playing on  radio or a jukebox-it helped me visualize the feel of the scene better.
i don't know why but I thought the character Justin was missing something. He seemed a little bland. I don't know why.
Overall this was a Great and entertaining read.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: March 23rd, 2006, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read shawnkjr.  I have been going through the script and have made some changes that were sugested to me.  I have cut over 4 pages out, I tried to make it a bit tighter, and hopefully I caught most of my grammer mistakes(I probably still missed a few)

the relationship between Casey and Sebastian is the backbone of the film, eventhough they only have a few scenes together.  I knew it needed to feel real for the ending to be satisfying.

I think that the players changing into Werewolves during the game would have been great (I wish I thought of that), but I am still happy with the ending.

the mythology of these Werewolves was a little different than most Werewolf stories, first they just don't come out on full moons, I thought it would be cool to have a scene during the day when the Werewolf comes out.  second I wasn't going with the silver bullets, I liked how in american werewolf in london, you just need to really beat it down to kill it.  The script origianlly had more to do with the "book", but it was getting too long and slowing down the story, so I cut it out, in fact I cut about 40 pages out before I submited it.

about the Justin character, I know he does seem like the guy when you first meet him is an automatic victem, there were a few more scenes with him, in fact he had a pretty bigf monolog, but it slowed down everything so I took it out.

thanks again for the read.


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sunshine
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I really enjoyed reading your script. I love horror. I have been trying to write horror and I always get side-tracked with watching horror rather than trying to write it. I noticed the werewolf is seen right away. You don't want to give away your villian or in this case monster right away. But you really have a grasp on your story, you know where it is going. I do think you should give a little more on the boys with that book. Maybe have it so they are watching some old movie like the Wolf Man and then they find the book and so on. But I really would love to see this on the big screen. It should really be a treat.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 5th, 2006, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Thanks a lot for the read sunshine.  I know I don't explain a lot with the book, the truth is this script was almost 170 pages and i had about 30 pages that was about how the book was discovered in france during WW2, I even had a huge battle scene in there, kinda like Saving Private Ryan, but it just felt out of place so I took that whole section out,  I think I do need to put a little more in there about it, but I don't want the script to get too long.  I'm sure I will be able to figure out a way, I'm still re-writing this trying to make it better, it's just taking a little longer because of something else I'm writing, maybe I should just focus on one at a time.  Anyways thanks again for your comments.


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