Denver Max by Andrew Roby - Short, Drama, Thriller - On November 3rd, 2007 Denver Max was caught driving down Highway 14 with 4 bodies of young girls in his truck. That night he killed 7 policemen but they finally caught him and put him in prison. To figure out the details of all he has done Detective Jonathan Matthews is brought in to question him. But through the investigation Matthews find secrets. Secrets he wish he would never of found it. This is the tale of Detective Matthews while he is on the case of Denver Max. 11 pages - doc, format

Hey Andrew.  There was alot that I liked here, and I few things I didn't.  I was kind of disappointed to see that you didn't take much from the comments we already gave you on your WIP thread.

This is some of the best dialogue I have seen from you, so you must have been pretty inspired early on until you hit the wall with this story.  That happens.  I hope you can find your rhythm again with this one.  Cutting from the interrogation room to the cabin works pretty well here.  Nice job with that.

[SPOILER SPACE]

*  Technical point 1:  For dialogue, just call him "Matthews".  Like I said before, it is awkward to read "Detective Matthews" every single time he speaks.
*  Technical point 2:  Whenever you use "I" alone, it is always CAP.  You never use "i" in lowercase all by itself.  You do that alot here in the dialogue.
*  "...starts to suck his ."  You know what line I am talking about here.  I know it is supposed to be shocking and raw, but phrasing it like this comes off as kind of juvenile, as in "The Cabin", which we all know and love.  You can strengthen the shock here if you describe this action in more eloquent terms.  Tell us what is going on in this girl's eyes.  Describe the smile on Denver's face.
*  Denver's V.O.:  Nobody would say "throat hole".  That sounds weird.  Denver is a smart guy.  Let's have him use the appropriate anatomical terms.  And again with "eating heart attacks"?  Didn't you believe all of those people when they told you that was kind of silly?  Isn't that what a WIP thread is for?
*  Pulling out Pat's spinal cord is not realistic or plausible.  It stretches the boundaries of the story too far.  Why not have Denver rip out his trachea (wind pipe) instead?  I would buy that, and it's every bit as bloody.
*  Final scene:  "After a mile of walking....".  You can't show him walking for a mile.  Just cut to a new scene, where he is emerging from the surrounding trees.  And it should be in the woods, not a cornfield.  "Old Dusty" would certainly have explored this cabin in the midst of his field.  It's another point that is not quite realistic.  And smoke is either coming from the cabin or it isn't.  You need to tell us.  One habit you need to break is telling us that something "seems" to be happening.  The director needs to know exactly what is happening, you know?

So, this is has a nice punch to it, Andrew.  I complained alot in my comments, but that does not mean I didn't like it and didn't think it has great potential.

It could be amongst your better works if you spent some time with it, and I would encourage you to come back to it at some point and finish Denver's story.  I'm hoping that you do.

Andrew..

I read this short script at work and thought, mmm, I'll write a review when I get back home.. Bert got there before me..

I gotta say, Bert's right on the money here, a lot of his criticisms are virtually the same as I had in my head when I read it.. Great minds think alike..

I noticed you used the opening (V.O.) dialogue as the Logline and was disappointed about that. Would be nice if you could write an original logline separate from that Voice Over speech.. I'm being picky..

I would'nt use EVENING or DAWN in sluglines, just use DAY or NIGHT, this needs to be stressed for a SPEC SCRIPT..

A lot of other writers will argue with me here but you can describe in your opening sentence of action what time of day it is and suggest the light underneath the slugline like so:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - POLICE STATION - NIGHT

It is evening, the light is fading and a bright orange sky covers the horizon and beyond.

The above sets the scene, provides time of day and gives a nice description of the colour of light.. I know this is kinda whipping the concept of "evening" but this is the best way to write this kind of thing in SPEC SCRIPTS.. Sure you can be more economical and just say "It is evening" but I wanted to paint a picture in your mind and I hope this picture was evoked in your mind's eye becasuse this is the very thing you need to do with those Hollywood reader types who are usually the ones who receive these scripts from agents..

Something to practice, work at and hone..

I really liked the story, the characters and the dialogue but think your dialogue could be much better..

I always say when you write a first draft, then this is cool, and sure warts and all are in there but you now have a peice of work which you can disect, rip apart, use a chainsaw on and re-write and bring up to additional drafts thereby improving on what you already have.. I can see with more re-writes this will end up pretty cool.. Indeed, it already is but the script needs tightening and the dialogue needs working on so when we read it, then it comes across as the character's voice who is speaking it, know what I mean? You'll know when you do this because it flys off the page at you the reader when you read it..

Reading this script I wasn't aware it was an episode to a series or some such like.. I would have liked to have been informed of this before I read it.. Just a little note in brackets next to the script would have been nice.. I'll tell you why, I have to wait for the ending and I hate that! This is not to say this technique of writing is bad, far from it, you illustrate a confidence to hold suspension of belief and suspence and horror and these are talents.. I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE END!!!!!

I would remove all the CUT TO:'s you don't need them, again you don't use these in SPEC SCRIPTS..

If anynody on these boards would like to place a transition in a SPEC SCRIPT then use this:

LATER

This would communicate that a transition in time has occured in the screenplay...

MUCH LATER

Again, a longer time has elapsed etc.. You get the picture..

Bert has made some pertinent comments regarding descriptions of action and these are good advice..

I also noticed you could improve in this area of your writing.. There's nothing wrong with what you've written as such but you could pack more of a punch if you spent a little time thinking how best to describe an event.. Here's a few examples for you.. if these work for you then please use them or modify them to suite..

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - POLICE STATION - NIGHT

It is evening. A dark room. A light shines on a man, he is scruffy, disheveled, worn jeans and ripped lumberjack shirt open at the neck, he sports an unshaven look - this is DENVER MAX, a man in his late 20’s. He sits alone at a table in the middle of the room. Below the table Denver’s feet are cuffed together.

Above there is a description of the time of day, mood, a description of the character with his style of dress, that he is unkempt and in his late 20’s. We have described he sits alone, amplified because he is in the middle of the room and finally that he is trapped like an animal because his feet are also incapacitated because these are also cuffed.

Just a little more poetic description which paints pictures in your mind’s eye like we discussed earlier..

You can also do this.. Maybe I write too much sometimes but I like it to have a flow to it and to paint pictures and I like to display a little poetic license with it.. You need to find your own style but you need to start painting with words.. You can do it..

Some of the scenes describing entering the woods are pretty good, with setting the mood and atmosphere, this is what you need to do for the interrogation room and the prison cell, Hell, any room, paint pictures for all scenes so these images can be devoured by your readers.. You’ve got to captivate us with your descriptions as your story unfolds, describe the suspense, the horror more and ramp it up until you see steam coming off the pages..

All in all, a great little story which has oodles of potential and I would really like to read the complete story with the ending.. I like endings, so much so that I try and write my screenplays starting with the ending first so you can see, maybe, why I felt a little miffed that this little gem of yours wasn’t completed but was in fact an episode.. Never mind, I like it, a lot. I would like to read more and I would like to read the completed script once you have written this..

Hope these criticisms are helpful because this is why I took the time to write this Andrew, to help. Please don’t be offended, my offerings here and simply to help and to push you into producing a better draft on your next-re-write..

If you’d like any additional one-to-one help or advice then you can get my email address from my SimplyScript avatar membership thingy and there’s no problem at all with this, I’ll help in any way I can..

I really look forward to reading your next re-write on this, to see what ideas you use to improve a very good story with good characters.. Oh, and please don't forget, I like endings.. Hehe..

Well done, man..

Kev

Thought I'd check this out. I thought the Recluse was decent and you've been hyping The Basement up so much, I thought I'd check out some more of your work. This one was pretty good. Very raw and brutal. Very much in the vein of the stuff I like to read and write. Nevertheless, I do have some suggestions...

- I didn't care for the opening V.O. It's complete deus ex machina. This guy basically spells out the plot before it even begins. It doesn't work. Why not have the script open with Matthews being led to the interrogation room being explained Max's crimes. I think that'd work much better.

- Why does Matthews call Denver Max... well, Denver Max? It sounds awkward. Have him call him either Denver or Max.

- Matthews isn't the greatest interrogator. He's basically demanding Max tell him where the girl is. He's not trying to be persuasive at all. I guess this is more of a personal preference but I'd say think about it anyway.

- Eat heart attacks? What's this mean? This monologue doesn't make much sense to me. Try to fix it.

- Exactly how long and sharp are Max's fingernails? I don't think the police would let him keep them if they could be used as a weapon. Fix this. Either way, I think he could still kill Pat. He's basically using his bare hands after all.

Otherwise, you have a nice down and dirty story here. Good job.

Thanks for checking it out everyone. I know it's not the best but that's probably cause i got bored with the subject of it. I'm sure i'll come back to it eventually though.

Andrew

Don't give up on it buddy.. It's a good little script you got there..

Take some time off away from it and come back with a fresh pair of eyes and see what improvements you can add..

James McClung offered some excellent ideas for the opening scene.. I like that..

Keep us informed Andrew when you next work on this baby, I'll have another read for you.. I did enjoy it because I appreciate your writing..

Kev

Reading notes and review below

SPOILERS

*First off, "i" is always capitalized.  Your grammar and spelling is top notch, so I don't know what the dealio is with that.
*I know Denver Max is a vicious killer, but Matthews slapped him?  And at this day in age?   Max can accuse him of police brutality or something.  If this was 1970 then yeah, he can get away with it, but in 2007 it's a little harder.
*"The girl then starts to suck his dick."  It's in your face(no pun intended), but I'm going to have to disagree with Bert here.  In "Starbuck Starr" a guy was hit square in the balls with something and it was written that way, and I think this is pretty similar.  Or was it something else I'm thinking of?  It was something of Bert's or Martin's.
*"You will be put to death for this, you know?" I'd get rid of this line altogether.  If that does happen, it will be after a 5 year trial which was already prolonged because Denver accuses Matthews of police brutality for slapping him and then he has to wait 15-20 years before he's actually put to death.  So, might wanna get rid of that.
*"I eat heart attacks." I think I remember this line from the WIP thread.  It's much more humorous than it is intimidating.
*Nothing is seen and in fact nothing is heard. There is no sound at all. No animals or anything.  You pretty much said the same thing 3 times here.  Just say "Nothing is seen or heard."  That's all you really need.

There were several things of this script that I liked and a few that I didn't.  For one, I enjoyed Denver's dialogue very much.  His smartass remarks, asking and then answering questions in the same sentence.  You did a good job of putting him in the position of power here.  The other main character, Matthews, I didn't care for too much.  He reminded me of the cop from "The Devil's Rejects," who was an annoying ass.  He's dealing with a serial killer here, he knows he's smart and holds the key to a missing girl, so I don't think the tough guy act really works in this situation.

The brutality was pretty nice.  I'm not a fan of the forced sexual acts, but it gets your attention and brings you more into the story.  The bit where Denver is ripping out Pat's spinal cord...ooooh delicious!

So, it's a good start.  Nice and bloody and brutal and Denver's character is shaped out pretty nicely in the first 11 pages.  If you ever continue the story I shall continue to read.  Nice work!

I found it interesting Andrew. I liked the dialogue and really wanted to find out about the remaining girl, so I was a little disappointed with the "to be continued" ending. But that's probably a good thing yeah? Obviously there where a hell of a lot of typos, but I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that. I can relate to what you're saying about getting bored with the idea though, but the problem with some ideas is that they just won't go away until you create something with them. I have to say it annoyed me to see the cop go into the woods by himself; I hate it when movie cops go it alone because I’m sure it’s not standard procedure. Just out of interest and without giving it away, do you have an ending worked out in your head yet?