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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Quake Moderators: bert
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  Author    Quake  (currently 2198 views)
Don
Posted: March 16th, 2006, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quake by Guy Jackson - Sci Fi, Action, Thriller - Based on the hit computer game.  In the near future, an intergalactic race of ruthless alien beings known as the Stroggs invades Earth and kills millions.  This starts the beginning of an all out war between the two civilizations of Earth and Stroggos.  Twenty years later, an elite team will be sent into the heart of Stroggos to find a way to end the Strogg threat once and for all. 106 pages - pdf, format



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Don  -  April 4th, 2008, 5:03pm
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James McClung
Posted: March 18th, 2006, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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I'll check this out at some point this coming week. For the most part, I despise fan fiction but your Mercenary: Soldier of Fortune seems to have been pretty well received. Also, Quake's a pretty decent game and what I've read in the logline sounds familiar so I expect this'll be a fun read.


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James McClung
Posted: March 23rd, 2006, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, finished.

This was a decent read but I think it could have been a lot better. You managed to transcend the typical video game adaptation with a few of your own touches. I couldn't help but sense a little political commentary throughout, especially from the James character. You also gave a nice strong backstory to your main character and I enjoyed the POV sequences meant to simulate the FPS feel. Nice. However I think the characters still need some work. There're a lot of them but none of them seem to have individual personalities. They're basically just soldiers. Even Quentin, despite his backstory, lacks a personality of his own. You need to give him one. Nina as well as she is supposed to be his love interest.

Also it takes too long for the characters to get to Stroggos and once they get there, it's pretty much action the rest of the way. It'd be better if they got there sooner so you'd be able to integrate some character development admist the action. I'd say cut down on the Phobos segments as well and just stick to the Quake team (although keep some of them since the social commentary is part of your signature on the thing).

A few other things...

1. There're a lot of camera directions throughout the script. That's directing. Lose them. P.O.V. is fair game but don't overdo it.

2. The action lines could be a little less wordy at times. Instead of saying "the beings seem to be half machine but also have living properties to them," just say half-machine, half-organic or something. Same with the "foreign language" bit. At other times, I think you could be more descriptive. What kinds of "sharp objects" do these Stroggs possess?

3. pg. 23 - President Johnson? You mean Thomas, I think.

4. pg. 32 - I think there's another character's line between Tyson's two at the bottom of the page.

5. The mission plan is given twice to two different groups of people. This is no good. It's tedious to hear something repeated in a film.

6. You can lose the bit with the president telling the public about the mission. Again, it's already known information.

7. Why do the Stroggs keep shooting the dead bodies? It's a waste. Don't they know they're dead already?

8. I didn't understand the deal with dead soldiers coming back as Stroggs. You may need to clarify this.

Otherwise, a decent read. You have a good basis here but I think it needs some work. Good job and good luck with the rewrite.


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thegardenstate89
Posted: March 24th, 2006, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
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Never played really Quake. Much more of a Half-Life guy myself. But I'll be giving this a read this weekend Guy.
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thegardenstate89
Posted: March 27th, 2006, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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I must confess, I have never played a Quake game before. This script had a very video game feel. Which works for the most part.

You start out quickly and I felt I didn't get a very thorough of what the Strogg exactly looked liked. You then went through the next 20 or so years of history through brief clips of news reports.

Although I got an idea of a constant war raging between two sides. The ultimate objective by the team was something that you woud put at the end of a trilogy. I felt like I was reading a very long 3rd act of a story or playing the last few levels of a video game.

JAMES
(angry)
This is ludicrous! My men are
being sent to the slaughter just
so a war-retarded President can
say he is doing something for the
war!

I doubt a military officers in 40 yeards will describe their president as 'war-retarded'. A good number of adjectives pop up in my mind to describe a president who is an incompetent military leader.

You introduced your characters nicely. And I enjoyed the flashbacks. But why in almost every scifi shooter does there have to be a toughtalking female? I understand it's to add a little chemistry into the team. And I got a kick out of some of nina's comments. (rough and personal haha) But she's almost like a carbon copy of that female Colonial Marines in Aliens or any number of parts that Michelle Rodriguez actress has palyed.

What you wrote was an entertaining script. Occasionally I would spot a subtle comment on how dumb our planet can be, see here:
NINA
(whispering)
Don’t you find it odd that the
whole world came together to form
the Coalition to fight the same
enemy, yet it’s still separated by
country?

A nice funny little point she makes. But it just hard to take this from a gung ho soldier. And especially when the script follows  a group of for the most part gung-ho elite warriors.

One last note, interesting  putting VR training in. A very nice homage to the kind of material you are adapting. A video game.

While your doing your rewrites or whatever be sure to keep Uwe Bowl away from this one.

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guyjackson
Posted: March 27th, 2006, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate the reads from both of you.  I'm beginning to experiment more with subtle meanings in my screenplays so it causes the reader to think more.  After seeing V for Vendetta, I was fascinated by that type of writing.  So you can almost expect all of my future screenplays to be more in depth than what is on paper.

I know this was yet another video game adaptation, and I know that it does not usually generate a lot of reads.  I'll probably steer clear of video games for a while.  I was using them for training purposes mostly.

Most of your comments seem to revolve around minor problems so I am pretty happy about that.  I never knew how hard Scit-Fi was to write.  I was quite surprised at how difficult it is to try and explain a world that does not exist in a few sentences.  Sci-Fi writers have my utmost respect, hands down.

Tony, in reference to Nina's character, I was not sure at how I wanted to have her and Quentin's character evolve.  At first I was sick and tired of that cliche girl that falls for the main protagonist, so I tried to just make their relationship flirtatious.  But as I got to the end, I wanted both of them to live but I didn't know how to end it without them falling for each other.  That's probably why she seems to be two characters in one.  

A rewrite isn't in the cards as of now because I am going to be dipping into more genres.  So if I ever do rewrite this, it will be in the not so near future.  

Thanks again.              

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Don  -  March 28th, 2006, 12:18am
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George Willson
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 12:12am Report to Moderator
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I picked your newest to read. My page numbers indicate the adobe page numbers and not the number listed at the top of the page.

SPOILERS

First off, please describe your half and half cyborg-like critters. I've never played Quake, so I don't know what they look like.

I like that the Stroggs can actually be killed and aren't annoyingly invincible like most invading aliens.

Pg 7: Not an astrologer, which is a person who attempts to predict the future using palm reading, planetary positioning, and crystal balls. Perhaps an astronomer, a person who studies the scientific aspect of space.

7/8: I like the way you did the passage of time with the news reports. It kept us up to date and showed us when we are. Also allows for some nice imagery on the TV set to accompany it to show what's going on.

11/12/13: James indicates there are twenty-six teams on 11, but on twelve, Crocket's proposition only indicates sixteen. On 13, we're back up to twenty-six. But on the readout, there are only sixteen listed.

14: Don't indicate timeless. If we're in space and there is no night and day, leave it blank.

21: You indicate from Tyson that the high score is 126, 025 points, yet the screen later shows 125, 025 points.

23: Is it President Johnson or President Thomas? Watch your character name lines. I also just realized they're all centered. They should be indented to the same position, usually 2.2" if the other settings are 1" and 1.6". You've also centered your wrylies, which should be at the 1.6" mark.

26: You should give the field reporter a name to match Quentin's last name. That way, we can nod and praise your wonderful continuity.

29: I got a bad feeling about this...and you win the prize for the Star Wars homage. Sure, Lucas doesn't own the phrase, but it is forever synonymous with Star Wars.

33: Tyson speaks twice.

34: Rather than one person just pick for the two teams, it would be amusing to have them draw straws, do paper-rock-scissors, or something to show the comeraderie between the two.

39-41: The speech Anthony gave is good, but it's a repeat of stuff we've heard before. I would suggest cutting down the earlier speech to the stuff we don't learn of here, and keeping this one mostly intact.

43: You have Quentin looking at the screen in horror, but making no outward response. If this means he doesn't say anything, that is clear by no dialogue accompanying the look.

51: When you shift the view to Quentin's POV, you only need to say it once. You actually indicate it four times in that quarter page.

61: A rail strikes Sage right in the throat? Dude, you were doing so good before you pulled this. Think about an elevator in a battle situation. Everyone runs in and slams themselves against the walls. No one will be standing in the path of anything coming through that door.

I just finished it. Overall, you have a good little action flick here. Development of the lesser characters who go first are the biggest weak point. I think you did good with Quentin and Nina, and even Crockett once some of the other Quentin related info came out. I know in this type of film, character development is what suffers the most. Kind of a curse of the genre. But we need more of these people so we care when they die. If nothing else, focus on who ever is next to go. It's a start and you might even get some info about the other characters out in the process. Another suggestion is something visual that sets them apart. Maybe they did something unique so their uniform is not so uniform. Something to their bunks to make them more personal. Anything to bring out their personalities.

A rather large weaknessis how long it takes before something happens. I was waiting for the big something to happen, and page after page clicked by with nothing. You've got a pretty long teaser on this one, but we should get something significant by page 30 or so. Make it happen and just shift character development to later in the script.

Of course, here's the big comment. This is based on the video game, and I don't know how much of the actual game is in this script, but it reads like an action film. So, what can you change in this script to make it original? You honestly don't need to change that much. Plots are immortal and I've already watched this movie in a dozen other forms with the same plot. People eat this stuff up, so with a few tweaks, you can have an original story that is worth reading and/or producing. Keep that in mind. Names are the easiest fix, obviously. The only other question involves how much of the games visual design you kept, and how much the set designers can make up on their that won't match the game in any way.

Good luck. Good job.


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guyjackson
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, George!  Thanks for reading it.  Your critique means a lot considering the amount of screenplays you have probably read and written.  This was my most recent screenplay and I think my most in depth.  As for your comments:

Pg 7 - Yeah an astronomer makes more sense.  Thanks for the tip.

7/8: I'm glad you liked the news reports against the black screen.  That's a nod to George Romero's style of narration.

11/12/13: Yeah this may have been a little bit unclear.  I believe Crockett states that ten of the original twenty-six were wiped out in their last offensive.  Hence, the sixteen teams remaining in his proposition.  On page 13 that would be the screen indicating the twenty six teams in total, with line through the ten teams that have been killed off.  

14: Haha yeah I remember writing the first heading INT. OUTER SPACE - and I was like what the hell do I put?  I think I saw TIMELESS in a James Cameron script one time and thought I should put it in there, but you definately make a good point to leave it blank.  It's outer space.  That's enough.

21: Damn typos.  Sorry about that with the point totals.  

23: It's President Thomas.  Johnson is the last name of Nina and Anthony.  I must have been up late when I was writing this part of the script.  

26: Yeah I was unsure about giving Lauren a last name at first because I thought people would get the connection too early.  I wanted it to kind of come out of norwhere.    

29: Haha I didn't even realize I put "I have a bad feeling about this"  Classic Star Wars in every sense.  I should put a Copyright symbol next to it in my screenplay heh

33: Yeah Tyson probably has two consecutive lines because I probably shot it down to another page in my first draft, but when I did other changes I forgot to merge it into one.

34: I like your idea of a little game between Matt and Anthony to choose the direction each team goes.  It would definately show some closeness between the two which I don't think I showed to much.  

39-41: Yeah I've had a lot of complaints about redudancy (sp.?) at this point in the screenplay.  I will most definately go back and trim down some of the original briefing from Commander James.  I am acutally impressed on how Anthony's speech came out, because I thought it was kind of corny at first.  But it sounds pretty good when I read it out loud.  

43: You are right about Quentin's look being enough to convey the scene looking at the screen.

51: Yeah the POV part was very tricky.  This is a big homage to the video game because the player takes control of his character in a first person view for the entire game.  Just like the video game Doom.  So I wanted to make sure people realized that this whole sequence is through Quentin's eyes, all the way up to the stronghold's front doors.

61: Hehe yeah that's a pretty odd way to end a character's life.   I just ran out of ways to kill Sage off.  I wanted at least three people dead before they began their descent into Capitellum and they had to be very quick and close together.  I probably look into getting him a better death scene.

I'm glad you felt it was interesting enough to finish.  I see your comments were less and less towards the end so I guess it was good enough to keep you reading.

As I said before, Sci-Fi is a bitch to write.  Mostly for the fact that Sci-Fi is about 95% visual in my book.  Everything needs to be described because half of this stuff does not exist.  I have these elaborate sequences in my head, but on paper it doesn't look as good.  For example, the opening sequence to me is an awesome sight.  A spaceship quietly freefalling into Earth's atmosphere, everything calm, and then when it lands everything is in chaos.  And another is the landing sequence onto Stroggos.  The tiny transports breaking off of the fighter jets and being propelled towards the shore.  These are some cool, big time special effects shots, and I just don't think people see the same thing I do.

The Stroggs are an interesting creature.  I'll see if I can find a link to a page with one of the creatures from the games.  I'll post it as soon as I do.

I am pretty satisfied with this story though.  I don't mean to be narcissistic but I really can't believe how far I've come from not knowing a thing about screenwriting about four months ago, and three screenplays later having something that is worthwhile to read.  I may take your advice and change a few things around so I can make it an original screenplay.  It was fun to write and visualize these worlds and weapons.  Hopefully when I become a better writer, I'll be able to write some more Sci-Fi.

Thanks again, George.  Oh yeah, I'm probably going to check out your Armor of Belial soon.  So I'll post my comments of that when I finish.  

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Don  -  April 16th, 2006, 1:06pm
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George Willson
Posted: April 16th, 2006, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from guyjackson
Yeah, George!  Thanks for reading it.  Your critique means a lot considering the amount of screenplays you have probably read and written.


Well, I've read a ton, but only written about 40...but that includes shorts, teleplays, and features. And that's just when I started counting...
  

Quoted from guyjackson
I don't mean to be narcissistic...


A narcissistic writer?! NOOO!! Guy, we're all stuck on ourselves. That's just how writers are. If you're narcissistic, then you've met the only requirement for the club...well, besides actually writing something.


Quoted from guyjackson
I'm probably going to check out your Armor of Belial soon.  So I'll post my comments of that when I finish.  


Sweet. I'm working on updating that one. I do think that if you can separate it from the game more, you have a property that will likely sell. I did like how it flowed near the end which is why my comments stopped. I just kept reading. What matters to me is that it makes sense and that it satisfies as an ending. Granted, it's a blatant sequel setup, but people like that too. Keep writing.



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guyjackson
Posted: May 7th, 2006, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Anthony...That is the greatest review I have ever received on a screenplay.  I can't thank you enough.  I definately wanted to go back and do a rewrite on this and you have given me a great template to follow.

I like your idea of the humans seeing the Strogg invasion first, before it actually takes place.  It could give some life to Earth, rather than being nameless targets for the Stroggs.  I'm glad you liked the comraderie, and I can see how Cameron started the sci-fi "tactical team" standard.

I am finally starting to see how my action did start late.  After reading your Halo script, it looks like it is better to have small battles sparsely populated throughout the screenplay, rather than one continuous battle with small breaks in between.  My character development definately took a back seat because I got sucked into the Sci-Fi pitfall of trying to esablish the scenery first, instead of the characters.  I am definately going back to work on some characters, especially Crockett, Quentin, and Matthew Kane, because as you said a lot of their backstories were tacked on to try and rush some character development in.  Haha looks like you caught me on that one.

As for the Coalition fleet getting too close to the planet, I don't know why I did that to tell you the truth.  Even in the games, the Stroggs possess a weapon called the Big Gun that can attack any spacecraft that gets too close to their homeworld and I have no idea why I didn't integrate that.  I'm definately going to put it in there in the rewrite though, thanks.

Once again Andrew, a top notch and very informative review.  I think I followed Callahan's Doom formula too closely and it dragged my screenplay.  I'll get to work right away and make this better.  Thanks for reading.  
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dcooper
Posted: June 2nd, 2006, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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Guy,

I really liked your script. After reading AnotherWriter's review of Quake, i would have to agree with him on a lot of his points so I won't really go over them.  I liked how you included some social commentary concerning the President in different situations. That was a nice touch.  The one thing that bothered me was the intro, it happened to soon. I would have like to get to know some of the characters better before they died like the reporter. Or at least you can add some scenes showing people going throought their ordinary day before everything gets wiped out. Also, after the intro, the isn't really anything interesting happenning until they get to the planet, which is atleast half way through the script. I would have liked for something to happen a little earlier on. Well, that's all I have to say about it.
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guyjackson
Posted: June 4th, 2006, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from dcooper
Guy,

I really liked your script. After reading AnotherWriter's review of Quake, i would have to agree with him on a lot of his points so I won't really go over them.  I liked how you included some social commentary concerning the President in different situations. That was a nice touch.  The one thing that bothered me was the intro, it happened to soon. I would have like to get to know some of the characters better before they died like the reporter. Or at least you can add some scenes showing people going throought their ordinary day before everything gets wiped out. Also, after the intro, the isn't really anything interesting happenning until they get to the planet, which is atleast half way through the script. I would have liked for something to happen a little earlier on. Well, that's all I have to say about it.


Thanks for the read, dcooper.  I'm glad you enjoyed this.  I had a lot of fun writing it and it was my first sci-fi I had ever wrote and it truly was a task in itself.  The social commentary was a big part of the script, because I wanted to see if I could integrate subtle messages into the writing that the reader would have to read between the lines to understand.

As for the intro, you and Andrew make valid points.  I could see it being a bit rushed and maybe not explanative enough.  I'm putting some ideas down on paper to see what I can come up with, and hopefully a rewrite will be in the works.

Thanks again, and this will not be the last video game adaptation I write, I promise you that much.  

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