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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Criminal Mind Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 26th, 2006, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Criminal Mind by Helio J. Cordeiro & Si Dunn - Short, Crime,  Adventure - An escaped prisoner thinks he has gotten away with murder, until an unexpected situation makes him pay for his crime.  11 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 29th, 2006, 5:45pm
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Helio
Posted: March 29th, 2006, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey, Tomson, George and everyone Don fixed it. Save Don!
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Martin
Posted: March 29th, 2006, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Helio, Si,

Thought I'd give this a quick read before I hit the sack. I really liked it, it could even be one of my favourite Helio scripts. Great imagery with the vine leaf throughout. An easy read, very visual, and a nice twist at the end.

Not much else to say.

Good work!
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tomson
Posted: March 29th, 2006, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Dear Helio,

The format on this one seem to be good, you're getting better and better.

SPOILERS:

I like the Vine Leaf reference throughout the script.

A 10 year old Italian girl calling out for "mom"? How about Mama or something.

A didn't like Nino killing the girl and the mother, but you probably wanted us to dislike Nino. I just don't like seeing kids killed, gets me real fired up.

Nino's quite a drinker! I think if I consumed several bottles of wine I'd passed out somewhere. Probably somewhere I shouldn't be.

"A fiftyish tub of lard" I like that description.

I like how "Don" gives the "Chosen" a big party before killing them, prostitutes and everything.

I do think Nino is hitting the wine way to much though. I feel numb just thinking about it.

I think it's funny how Nino tries to convince the "thugs" that he is one of the Chosen and ultimately that's what's kills him.

This was nicely written Helio, I do believe you are getting better and better.

Now, about that Brazilian proposal, ... I'm still thinking about it.
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Helio
Posted: March 29th, 2006, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey Tomson, thanks a lot!

I think Nino is a...you know, he maybe said the sentence under my replys " I never made a friends drinking milke" I think he is some  Jack Sparrow's relatives. Just between you and me who want to be a friend of a crap like Nino, who?

I'm not feel well writing about a child been killed. I didn't show it, did I? No! Anyway thanks for your kind words...

PS: sometimes i think that to become better and better could be mine ruin.
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datha
Posted: March 30th, 2006, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Me too i dont laked the death of 10 year girl (but i think it was suggested by the vine leaf's presant in the script wich i think was very nicely done, and to make Nino very bad and unplesant man) otherwise it was interesting story with easy read. A nice short screenplay.
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bert
Posted: March 30th, 2006, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Hey, Helio -- don't you have a story up called "Vine Leaf" or something like that?  I seem to remember that one from a while ago.  Was that you?  Is this a reworking of that old story?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Helio
Posted: March 31st, 2006, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Thanks  datha for your review!

Hey Bert, yes it is. The old title antecipated the end, so therefor I decide to change the title for new one.
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spencerforhire
Posted: April 1st, 2006, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Helio

Great job! Your writing skills are masterful.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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