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Master Lee by Spencer McDonald - Short, Comedy - East meets West as an addicted man endulges in fast food almost to his end. He is saved by eastern practices... or is he? Come find out if fast food or karate will be his demise. 15 pages. - pdf, format
Man, I must admit that I'm usually not into Dark/Comedies but this script was great. It had moments that made me laugh, and at the end where we find out it's all been a set-up for their Funeral Home business---Classic!!! Very original and well- written! Yes, Sensei.
This was an excellent short. Very well written and very funny with a nice twist. Few problems here. Just a few words that need to be capitalized. I also don't understand why Jimbo died at the end. Wouldn't the training have lessened his chances of death? Other than that, good job.
"You're a great friend and very creatuve and talented. Chat with you soon."
Hey Spencer, less, less I'm just a "wanna be" cucaracha trying to be seen, that's all! Anyway, thanks for this kind words. I'm at you disposal any time everywhere!
I've never read any of your stuff before, I only started reading this because I'm a fan of Helio's. I may just also be in an extra good mood because at halftime, the Gators are chomping down on those UCLA boys like they're nothing but "babes in the swamp". 36-25! Now if this changes and the Gators loose...well, that's why I will write this now while I'm still all smiley.
Anyways;
This one had me laughing all the way through. Did the game and the free flowing beer have anything to do with it'I don�t know, but I don't think so.
I can just picture Jimbo stuffing himself, but why is everyone always picking on McD? Yeah their food is bland and boring, but they are consistent and I've never been sick eating at one. There are plenty of other fast food chains that are worse.
I liked how Jimbo is kinda gross while he's eating. Good job conveying the (close your eyes if you don't like non pc stuff) fatso stuffing himself. Gross!
I liked the characters at the restaurant and the ambulance drivers, so casual about someone's life.
Then we move on to my absolute favorite, Doctor WU. You had his speech down perfectly and I know people like that so I read it in my head as Phat Phu would have said it. Funny, funny!
I also really liked Master Lee, nice job there too.
Poor Jimbo, he wants to get better and what does he get? Two people partners in the funeral home business.
I would like to read what Helio had originally written, just to see what you took from it, this one screamed Helio to me and it's why I like his work. He comes up with these great stories, maybe he just needs someone to perfect them for him.
Thanks for the great comments. This was a premise given to me by Helio. He has such great ideas. I took his premise and wrote the script. I am considering an alternative ending. The ending would change the McDonald's restaurant to a chinese restaurant and Jimbo would hang in a freezer after he is dead. Master Lee and Dr. Wu would enter the freezer with a third person to check the fat content of Jimbo then the food buyer would buy Jimbo for additive to a chinese restaurant main dishes. Thought about putting both out for a vote on which ending is liked better.
I can see Helio's ideas here, it is his surreal sense of reality and humor..
I thought the Chinese/American accent dialogue was very funny but both your characters came across sounding the same.. Maybe this is the problem with this kind of ethnic accent, if used sparingly it can be funny but twice they sound both the same.. You need to find something distinctive which separates both Chinese characters, some words that are particularly their own, which they repeat which defines their uniqueness and individuality..
Funny dialogue from most of the other characters, even the minor ones, well done with that..
I thought you overdone it with the use of Parentheticals and this information could have been written as action.. I'd remove the Parenthetical stuff in your next draft, or at least break it down and use it sparingly if at all.. You don't need it, it's a crutch..
You jump in time all over the place in your screenplay and just write:
NEXT MONTH..
I would write the slugline and then add a
SUPER: ONE MONTHS LATER
and do the same for the other scenes where you employ the same technique..
You actually used this yourself in the final scene when you wrote:
(SUPERIMPOSE ON SCREEN) SIX MONTHS LATER
The above is incorrect and should be:
SUPER: SIX MONTHS LATER
You can fix these in your next draft..
I've been reading a lot about POWER VERBS lately and it has been suggested that by employing Power Verbs a writer can inject more forward momentum and drive in their action if you write and choose words which describe events using these little buggers..
You have in fact used Power Verbs in your script albeit cliché examples but I agree these do work..
PAGE #2 Jimbo swallows his food with a gulp. He wipes the ketchup from the corners of his mouth and turns to face Jose.
You managed to write 3 Power Verbs in the above sentence.. You could have written:
Jimbo swallows his food then gulps. He wipes the ketchup from the corners of his mouth and turns to face Jose.
Now for some more:
Next action sentence after the above example:
Jimbo’s eyes pop wide open and he grabs his chest. He gurgles and winces in pain then his head falls face first into the tray of food. He appears dead.
You managed 4 Power Verbs in the above action description but you could have added more with a little creative editing and manipulation of the wording, like so:
Jimbo’s eyes pops open wide and he grabs his chest. He gurgles and winces in pain then his head falls face down and splats into the tray of food. He looks dead.
I've increased the Power Verbs to 7..
PAGE #3
They slam the rear door closed.
The Ambulance Drivers slams the rear doors closed.
Replaces the past tense slam with the Power Verb slams.
Same PAGE #3
The lights are spinning on top of the ambulance and people are gathering on the sidewalk watching.
Screenplays are better off without words ending with 'ing' if you can, instead turn them into Power Verbs like so:
The lights on top of the ambulance spins round and round.
A throng of people gathers on the sidewalk, everyone watches the ambulance as it speeds away.
I split the above action description into two sentences because they are in fact two separate shots.. I also modified some of the descriptive words as power verbs so the descriptions have movement, flow and drive forward.. Plus they are more descriptive, a little more on the money..
Your script is full of examples where you can improve your action descriptions to make them read more dynamic so they move forward and have more drive, tempo etc..
"Walks" is a boring word and something we writers can find an alterative for..
Depends upon the context..
PAGE #6
Wu walks toward the door.
Wu is a Doctor, he is in his surgery, he has just exerted power over a patient about his weight so he would be kind of bullish and have a swagger about his walk.. So find a word which describes this element of behavior and make it a Power Verb so it communicates things to the reader, one the movement from one place in the room to another and second, his attitude..
Like so:
Wu marches towards the door.
The above is done with authority of conviction. Doctor Wu had conviction in his voice when he informed Fatty about his eating habits and not looking after his health so why not when he makes for the door..
This also suggests the very same thing to the reader and firmly places an image in their mind..
You can find alternatives to walk and walks for lots of these types of situations..
Walks down the steps..
That's crap..
Much better:
Climbs down the steps.. Jumps down the steps.. Strides down the steps..
The more you see this stuff and can edit your earlier drafts to contain these kind of descriptions then your scripts read that much better.. Using Power Verbs also shows you seriously thought about what you are writing rather than relying on automatic mode..
Overall, I liked the story and thought the characters were cool.. Plus there is a timely message here about healthy eating and looking after ones health and our bodies so spot on for a politically correct/incorrect subject which contains humor..
I'm not exactly sure about the ending.. Although it does work somewhat I reckon you could come up with something much better, something which provides a good coda to the rest of the story you've told, because the story you told is a very good one..
Hope the tips help any..
Enjoyed the read.. Well done and well done to Helio for his quirky ideas..
Looking forward to reading your next draft of this cute little script..
BTW, I did laugh on a couple of occasions so don't think I'm all theory.. Just thought these hints and tips would help some..
These are the type of reviews that help me to become a better writer.
The power verbs was a fantastic idea and I will attempt to keep these in mind while writing in the future. Also, I am going to take your advice on the use of "ing" at the end of words. Seems to lose power with the "ing" thing.
Thank you thank you thank you. I hope you and others on this board will keep reading my scripts and offering me helpful advice to become better.
Hey guys. This one worked well for me, and I liked it. Some of the comments you've already received looked pretty thorough -- so I skipped them prior to reading -- please forgive any repeat comments:
(SPOILERS)
* Jose would say "croak", not "croke". * About the "Asian" dialogue: Martin and Phil just had a recent conversation about using this as a device; that is, writing the dialogue "in character". You might check that out. Personally, even though it is a stereotype, I found it amusing enough and would keep it as it is. * I don't think you should give Jimbo a specific car. * If Lee is upset about the shoes, you should have him say so specifically. It is kind of subtle otherwise, and might be missed on the screen. * "...a white of sunlight"? * You have "next month" a couple of times. You might consider "SUPER:" to make it clear that time is passing. (I see you use this later, but write it as "imposed on the screen". You don't need to do that. I am pretty sure that "SUPER:" is the correct way to do this.) * I don't know about the stirrups in an examination room. That detail rings false. A doctor that would have these doesn't see too many male patients. * Jimbo should repeat Dr. Wu's line exactly, I think, without "is". * The sign is in Japanese? How are we supposed to read it?
You two work pretty well together, as a good collaborative team. I like to see authors teaming up on stuff, as the results are usually interesting. If you are not careful, you two might become the Rowan & Martin of SimplyScripts (see if you can guess who is who haha).
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