Feast of Flesh by Reggie Cameron - Short, Horror - Two high school students are out on a camping trip on night, both of them think they are alone, but little do they know its hunting season - and something or someone has they're sights set on the couple. 4 pages - html, format

Short. Really short. This is a pretty okay script. I mean, nothing new, and that's not a bad thing. The dialogue was good and I chuckled at some parts Cameron and Janice said. I also thought one of the killers (that's right, plural) was going to get Cameron when he was going for a "nature walk".

But where's the story? I bet if you made it longer, you could use this as the beginning of the movie, and work your way through, having character find out a story, and have a big twist at the end.

All in all, this was good. Good job.

Sean

Reggie,

I'm no expert script writer, but I do know that dialouge is only supposed to run a max of five sentances long. I also noticed a couple of typos. Such as: Not to muscle, but to too skinny either.
I'm pretty sure you meant: Not muscular, but not skinny either. The two "To's" are distracting to me in the description. All in all I'd say it could be better if it were longer, and truly had a beginning, middle, and ending. Hey, none of us here are perfect or we'd be in Hollywood getting paid, right?

We are the Dreamers, the builders of Tomorrow!
Chad Fleagle

first off, thank you for the comments so far!

As far as the typos go, I was knew some got past me, as it was late at night when I started to type this thing up, so when I get a chance I'll go back and fix them .

Someone said it was short, and could/should be used as a start of a movie, well to be honest, this was a start of a movie, but I wasnt sure if I should go through with it or not, so I just posted the work I had done, to get some feed back first.

As far as the story, I thought of it well watching The Hills Have Eyes 06 and 77, and both Texas Chainsaw Massacre's, so think of it as a throwback to those type of low-budget movies of the 70's.

Sorry but this was completely pointless. The characters were better than most of these kinds of stories but there's no plot and the whole situation is a cliche. Also, who or what grabs Janice? This is only four pages. I think if you added some more elements to this, you might be able to produce a possibly decent short but as is, it's pretty bland. Just trying to be honest here.

First of all if your going to post a script, edit it for gramatical errors. It wastes the readers time having to hussle through sentences with mispelled words and poorly contructed sentences. I hate grammer too, but all you're going to get is people complaining about the grammer when what you want is for them to focus on the stuff that has to do with your story, such as dialogue and story and descriptions. Also it's harder to find someones streangths when they have to read through bad grammer.
Your descriptions tend to be very redudant or you end up contradicting what you write a line above.

Its almost impossible to see anything, if it wasnt for
                the bonfire lighting
the surrounding area around it, the
                woods would be pitch black.
You could shorten it to:
It's almost impossible to see anything, if it wasn't for the bonfire lighting the surrounding area. (you then repeat yourself in the next 8 words.) Or if it wasn't for the bonfire lighting the woods, it would be pitched black.
I'm not telling you how to write. Everyone's got there own style. But this repetetive descriptions of scenes and actions occurs quite a lot and can be shortened.

Your descriptions of the teenagers:
FIRST of all contradict you yourself by saying he's well put together (usually means well built) and then saying not too muscular not to skinny. And in the middle of these descriptions you put AVERAGE. In addition saying Cameron is smart. The audience won't be able to tell he's a smart 18 year old by LOOKING AT HIM.

His girlfriend Janice. After you ramble on about her not being to pretty, not ugly and well put together you mention she's average like her boyfriend. Average, plain looking, either of those are suitable ways to sum up your characters. It ends up sounding like some girls myspace description of the perfect guy for them.

You introduce your characters through dialogue quite well. Although it's pretty meaningless seeing as how you pointless kill them off. So it kind of wastes our time having these conversations only to kill them for no reason.

The dialogue has gramatical errors by the way.
                Cameron lets out a little giggle, it sounds nervous,
                unsure if you will.
Can shorten that. You describe action and setting in a very monotonous way. Cameron could let out a nervous giggle, or giggle with a hint of uncertainty. Again I'm not telling you how to write. But this leanghty description can be very tedious to read. You end up writing more and saying less. And you add the if you will a lot. I don't know why.

Have to fore fill my near future, and
                          take a piss.
It's fufill. sorry to rag on you here. Just trying to help you out, sometimes I come out cynical, that's that problem with getting feedback in a forum post.

        CAMERON
                                (to himself)
                          More then twice, means your playing with
                          it.
Maybe it's a dirty joke I don't get. But explain to me why he says it.

                Cameron thinks about it for a minute, before deciding.
A whole minute? A long time to just stand there.


                But before she can, something GRABS HER! A hand covers
                her mouth, and she is quickly dragged off into the woods.
What grabbed her. You don't tie anything up. You fiddled with the idea of making this a feature, depending on the feedback. Listen I don't know what kind of feature this will be. You obviously won't be having these two characters in your feature so I wouldn't know what to expect.

Marcus is still holding onto that
                flashlight, as if it meant life or death.
Why is he holding onto it so tightly?

IN conclusion I this script had no conflict what so ever. Even when Cameron said "I need to take a piss" you could've added a little sarcastic comeback by Janice if she finds it vulgar or gross. but she responds ok. The same goes for when Cameron goes with Marcus. Cameron 'thinks about it' which is the cheapest way to go about it. Have Marcus succesfully motivate Cameron into helping him. Otherwise the audience can't see the motivation.

Also interms of conflcit the audience doesn't ask any questions. From the style of this I assume you'd like a question as original as "is this guy going to get away from the killer or is he going to killed?" You use the convetional BOO technique the two. Let me summarize what I just read so you can understand what I mean about the audience asking quesions:
"A young couple camping talks. The boy takes a piss. He meets a stranger and accompanies him in finding the road. The girl hears a  noise and investigates. And is grabbed. The boy is stabbed after a little monologue by the stranger."

In conclusion it needs work. But it can be good. Just keep up the work. Fix things up explore beyond the teens getting killed and you might find yourself developing an interesting premise.

Quoted from James McClung Sorry but this was completely pointless. The characters were better than most of these kinds of stories but there's no plot and the whole situation is a cliche. Also, who or what grabs Janice? This is only four pages. I think if you added some more elements to this, you might be able to produce a possibly decent short but as is, it's pretty bland. Just trying to be honest here.

the thing that grabs Janice, is another person, a Leatherface like killer.

Quoted from reggiecameron the thing that grabs Janice, is another person, a Leatherface like killer.

You make no mention of it in your script. So how would we know?

it was to remain a mystery, since this was at first going to be a full length movie, but i decided to just have it as a short, I guess it was just sloppy on my part.

The dialogue was pretty decent when they were in the tent, and that's about the best I could say for this. And believe me, I'm really not trying to be an asshole AT ALL when writing this, but it has to be said. I'm just trying to help, but this particular story is unoriginal, implausable, and cliche. There's nothing in it that hasn't already been done ten times in the Friday the 13th movies. You have hella spelling and grammar mistakes as well, in fact you even put wrong words and leave out words as well, (well should be while, fore fill should be fulfill, etc.) and in a script that is only 4 pages long, there's no reason to have that many mistakes.  So, listen to Tony Tuff Nutz' critique, cuz both he and I agree with what he said when I read it. Janice's "he's gonna marry me" line is also from another movie, and Why does he just go wandering off into the night with some guy, and leaves Janice alone in the first place??? There's just nothing at all outstanding or interesting about this honestly. sorry, but it's the truth. And on a personal note, you mentioned that you watched both the remake of The Hlls Have Eyes and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and the hills have eyes is still at the theatre for one, so you probably paid for it, which is funny, but I strongly urge you to not watch remakes period, let alone remakes of great horror classics, unless your intention is just to cut them up and laugh at how stupid remakes are, you shouldn't be watching them. Sorry, but as a writer, purist, and horror movie fan, remakes is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Good luck though
- Steven R. Scheer

meh, some people like remakes, some dont, I for one enjoyed remake of both of those movies, but liked the first texas chainsaw massacre more then any remake, the hills have eyes 2006 improved on the original tho, IMHO.

to each his own I guess. take care.

this felt kinda like it was a scene from a slasher movie.  Not a bad thing - as long as the rest of the movie is there.

everyone has pretty much summed up my thoughts on the short (typos, unexplained characters etc.) So I'll just say....

dude it's no biggie, just keep writing man.

brion

Um... night of typical material, I see. This was a short alright; 4 pages long to be exact... To me it's more like a "scene" but that's just me.

"shrugs"

The dialogue was terrible... You also contradicted your descriptions of these characters within' your dialogue by telling us one thing and then having Cameron tell us the opposite.  The story was vauge... just really, really, vauge. I can't comment anymore on it, cause it was so vauge.

Basically... --> Good foundation or starting area to expand upon.

Baltis~