Hot Road by Pedro Chaves - Short - Snow can cover all our sorrows, all our pain, .. But not our memories.. 17 pages - pdf, format

1)  Especially in the beginning, you direct too much.  Talking about camera panning is not for the writer; focus on the scenes themselves.

2)  WAY, WAY, WAY too much voice-over.  This is a screenplay, not a poem.  But it feels like all of the scenes are just covers for philosophic "insights".  The way I saw it, the characters are depressed over growing up (which you need to emphasise more; the occasional mention of finals is not enough), see somebody, and then make motivational sppeches using metaphors.  A screenplay needs action, not just dialogue.  In fact, many screenwriters denounce voice-over except in specific circumstances (whatch adaptation if you don't know what I mean).

3)  The plot isn't understood, the philosophy is bland, and we never sympathize with the characters because we never learn about them.

4)  The worst mistake of the screenplay:  In the middle of page 6, the word "knows" has an incorrect apostrophe.

Hey Pedro, as I promised you I read your script. Frankly, I had dificult to understand your story. I don't know if was the story itself or because its characters were so unpleasant. I have to agree with Jerdol about to much directions and voice over. Avoid them urgently otherwise nobody will read your works.

Anyway, I hope you rewrite it observing all that points.

Keep writing, dude!

thanks for the feedback Helio!

will take the advice!

Hi Pedro,

we're nearly neighbors. I'm from North of France

I print your script and'll tell you all about

Michel

Formatting was good, good use of structure. Some sentences need to be corrected. (Basic spelling)  After reading this it seems like you take the reader through different memories but the ending was a nice calm setting with the christmas tree.

Overall: Way to go, I think a few tighened up areas and this script would be good to go.

Dan

thanks for your comment Dan!



you got it right!