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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Hot Road Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 15th, 2006, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hot Road by Pedro Chaves - Short - Snow can cover all our sorrows, all our pain, .. But not our memories.. 17 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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jerdol
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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1)  Especially in the beginning, you direct too much.  Talking about camera panning is not for the writer; focus on the scenes themselves.

2)  WAY, WAY, WAY too much voice-over.  This is a screenplay, not a poem.  But it feels like all of the scenes are just covers for philosophic "insights".  The way I saw it, the characters are depressed over growing up (which you need to emphasise more; the occasional mention of finals is not enough), see somebody, and then make motivational sppeches using metaphors.  A screenplay needs action, not just dialogue.  In fact, many screenwriters denounce voice-over except in specific circumstances (whatch adaptation if you don't know what I mean).

3)  The plot isn't understood, the philosophy is bland, and we never sympathize with the characters because we never learn about them.

4)  The worst mistake of the screenplay:  In the middle of page 6, the word "knows" has an incorrect apostrophe.


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Helio
Posted: June 14th, 2006, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Better to die with vodka than with tedium!

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Hey Pedro, as I promised you I read your script. Frankly, I had dificult to understand your story. I don't know if was the story itself or because its characters were so unpleasant. I have to agree with Jerdol about to much directions and voice over. Avoid them urgently otherwise nobody will read your works.

Anyway, I hope you rewrite it observing all that points.

Keep writing, dude!
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rpedro
Posted: June 15th, 2006, 2:15am Report to Moderator
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thanks for the feedback Helio!

will take the advice!


Scripts :
- Hot Road (short)
- The Mirror (short)
- Listen Up (short)
- Dawn (short)
- One Day (short)
- Steal (short)

Pedro Chaves
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michel
Posted: June 15th, 2006, 5:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi Pedro,

we're nearly neighbors. I'm from North of France

I print your script and'll tell you all about

Michel


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Daniel_Robinson
Posted: July 10th, 2006, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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The story comes from your mind. So have fun!

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Formatting was good, good use of structure. Some sentences need to be corrected. (Basic spelling)  After reading this it seems like you take the reader through different memories but the ending was a nice calm setting with the christmas tree.

Overall: Way to go, I think a few tighened up areas and this script would be good to go.

Dan


Gotta keep writing!

Writer of:  

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"House of Curse",

"The Secrect Door",  Production

"Twisted",  Post Production

"The Shadows",

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"Die Cut",

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"Colon and His Clone"  !Produced!

and more, run my name in search.

e-mail me:
stupifided2002@yahoo.com

Cool site I make games for:
http://www.rottenzombie.com/boards/index.php
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rpedro
Posted: July 12th, 2006, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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thanks for your comment Dan!



you got it right!


Scripts :
- Hot Road (short)
- The Mirror (short)
- Listen Up (short)
- Dawn (short)
- One Day (short)
- Steal (short)

Pedro Chaves
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