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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Gene Bulzi: Human Target Moderators: bert
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  Author    Gene Bulzi: Human Target  (currently 3182 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gene Bulzi: Human Target by Roger Smith - Short - When your fat and your name sounds like bullseye, you're in for a world of trouble. - doc, format


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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This isnít bad. The problem isnít so much that itís not that funny as it is that it doesnít seem like itís supposed to be. Poor Gene. I did feel sorry for him. Itís not a bad story. Itís got some things going for it. It works as a novelty. But itís not really a comedy, I didnít feel. More like a comedy-drama.


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James McClung
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good read. The humor wasn't over the top but was enough to keep in grounded as a comedy. The story's a little tragic but this guy's a walking irony and I appreciate good irony. Really nothing to fuss about here. Good job.



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James McClung  -  April 18th, 2006, 7:14pm
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Kevan
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Like Breanne said, it was a good little story, as far as a drama goes, nice main  character idea but not that funny..

I appreciated the story though and you should develop this.. The idea is like an Adam Sandler concept but it needs nore humor to justify it being a comedy.

Love the character and his name, good foundation to develop this further..

Good effort, well done anyways..
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Higgonaitor
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 9:53pm Report to Moderator
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You stuck to the Theme like a fat kid sticks to chocoaltae cake, which in most ways is good.  The Genre becomes a bit of a problem though.  You didn't fail miserably, in fact you didn't even fail, it was just so-so funny.  There are a few that are less funny then this, but thats beside the point.  The point is, you have a good plot, that completely sticks with the theme, but you need just a bit more humor.


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George Willson
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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The line that keeled me over: "I got a job at Target." I had to stop for a minute or so to regain myself. Perfect comedic timing on that one. If it had been earlier, it just wouldn't have worked. The little incidents were amusing and worked well in context. The story was perfect for the theme obviously and it was pulled off well.

The downer for me was the ending. After everything that was built up, I was hoping for something better than the golf ball shagging buggy. I dunno. It just seemed like the ending could have been tied in to the rest of the story a bit better. But that being my only complaint, it was good.


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Takeshi
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Well done. This was laugh out loud funny in quite a few spots. The job at Target was probably the funniest moment for me. I also liked the water pistol scene and the way the kids taunted him, that was very authentic dialogue, as was all the dialogue. The ending was terrific, I couldn't think of a better way for you to end it.

On a less positive note, you need to fix the formatting and you can take that from someone who's been hammered over formatting lately. You also had those horrible green and red lines all over the place, mainly because of your use of slang words, but there were some spelling mistakes as well. But hey, you had a tight deadline. Unfortunately a few people will see those mistakes and won't bother reading your story, which is a shame because it was a great short script. 8/10  



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George Willson
Posted: April 19th, 2006, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Takeshi
You also had those horrible green and red lines all over the place, mainly because of your use of slang words...


'Twould be a sad individual indeed to give someone a hard time over Word's incomparable grammar machine that tends to create more mistakes than it corrects. I looked past the lines as I always do, since Word can't spell much of anything I type, and tends to totally hate screenplay format.



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Takeshi
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 12:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from George Willson


'Twould be a sad individual indeed to give someone a hard time over Word's incomparable grammar machine that tends to create more mistakes than it corrects. I looked past the lines as I always do, since Word can't spell much of anything I type, and tends to totally hate screenplay format.


Hey, ease up on the sad individual stuff there big fella. I didn't give anyone a hard time, I actually acknowledged that the mistakes where probably due to the tight deadline. Anyway, it's easy to get rid of those lines, all you do is right click on the underlined word, then click on the ignore option when it comes up, so why not do it?

And like you, I also looked past the lines, thatís why I gave the script an 8/10   
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tomson
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Okay, let me be the weirdo again that goes against the grain.

I liked this one!

Yeah, it wasn't your LOL comedy, but it was in my opinion a heartfelt story with comedy attached.

How could someone NOT feel for this guy?

Anyways, Roger I liked what you did here.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, too. It was a clean and funny script. Poor guy. I thought things were actually going to be looking up for him with the darts. Then my favorite part in the script happened... and he says, "It was short lived".  


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Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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thegardenstate89
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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I have to give you lots of credit here. For such a short period of time you were able to attribute a lot of things to "bullseye." I loved the narrative too. The dialogue between Gene and the doctor enhanced the scenes.

I agree with George that the ending does feel like a bit of a let down compared to some of the things you had earlier in your script (I was expecting that one great punch line laugh at the end). But considering how well you stuck to the whole bullseye thing it's a forgivable flaw.
An overall nice read, that I would love to see on a screen someday.
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greg
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this script very much.  I agree that it wasn't laugh out loud funny, but it definitely had some very bright moments.  I did, however, burst out laughing when Young Gene cursed out loud in class.  That was hilarious because I can just picture it haha.  I also enjoyed Gene's misfortunes over the years and the irony that he wound up working at Target.  

I think my main complaint is the description lines.  Some of them were pretty choppy and confusing, such as:

"The buzzer sounds and Tim and Kevin immediately turn their guns on Gene.

Gene wins the game but ends up soaked in the process."

The way I'm reading it is that Gene continues playing while he's being soaked, and even if that is the case it's kind of ridiculous in a bad way.  

So overall I think this is one of the better, if not the best one, that I've read thus far.  Well done!



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Mr.Z
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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I like the concept for this one, it had sort of a 'Weather Man' feel. A nice take on the exercise's theme. I would loose some pages though. You've got basically the same joke during the whole script, and IMO it will feel funnier if you avoid repetition.

Despite that, this was a good one.


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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was kinda cute, the part with the dart in the head was great, and him ending up at target was clever.  I thought it was a little slow at times, but then you threw something in to liven it up.  good job.


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