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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Just Don't Shoot Me Moderators: bert
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  Author    Just Don't Shoot Me  (currently 2206 views)
Don
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Just Don't Shoot Me by Roger Smith - Short - Why is everyone always shooting at me? 4 pages - html, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Antemasque
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

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Hi Roger. You sure submitted a lot of scripts on here haha. Well anyway. Its/ weird. My guess would be Topher. Haha. It was alright though. I'm sure there are better and im sure there are worse. Good try.

3/5

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Antemasque  -  April 17th, 2006, 7:07pm
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bert
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Quoted from Antemasque
...and im sure there are worse.


Um...if you say so, man...

This one might find its fans, but I don't get it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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thisisonlytemp
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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This is the writer. I'm not saying who this is. For those who read this there was a few pages missing. Thanks to Don the updated draft is up.
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greg
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I didn't get this at all either.  I liked the namecalling...but besides that I just didn't get this one.

As Bert said, you'll probably get your fans, though.


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Kevan
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I don't know who wrote this script but for a 4 pager, its very funny..

The outragious crap the couple shout at each other is right on the money and this also leads very well to the pay off at the end..

I liked this and you should have developed it to be longer..

Oh well, good things come in small packages and your script definately was a small one..

Well done anyway for the effort..


Kev
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James McClung
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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This was quite an odd script. I couldn't tell what was going on from the start. Someone fires a gun and then these two are kissing. The namecalling was somewhat amusing but still made it somewhat harder to understand what was going on. I don't know what else to say. Not good, not bad, just weird.


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thisisonlytemp
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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The idea is that it's a couple on their honeymoon. The gunfight is elsewhere in the hotel, if that wasn't clear.
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
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Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

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This took a couple reads, but I get what temp is saying. It is rather funny, but could be funnier. Love the dialogue between the couple though.
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Mr.Z
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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I found this to be quite confusing. You should develop your storyline a bit more; I feel there is a meaning to this but part of it remained stuck in your mind and couldnīt make it to the page.


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bert
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Temp -- some people recognize the pen name in your e-mail address.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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tomson
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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I think the funniest part of all, is the fact that you had trouble submitting the script without all the pages attached.

You say darkness in the beginning. That makes me think black screen, but somehow we can still see a figure that jumps on top?

I agree with the woman, that corpse thing was a bit much. I was with you there in the beginning, but that comment stopped me dead in my tracks. (pun intended, a little).

"BAM!  The lights explode on." Do lights really make loud noise when they come on?

I'm surprised at the "collection" of  typos in this script.

The guy shooting was never explained. I don't get who's shooting at him.

I would have loved to shower you with praise.

Sorry, feel free to trash mine.

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Andy Petrou
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Ok, this just threw me.

Just as the action was hotting up, nice sexy banter there, you cut to a random gift giving scene.... okay..... Now, I'm all for randomness, when it works, but this just kind of felt like a really awkward moment... But then, if that's what you were aiming for, then great!! LOL.

Odd, sexually fun, but too random for me. Good effort though.

A x
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Martin
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 6:30am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Andy Petrou

Odd, sexually fun, but too random for me.


That's what all the girls say  

I liked how this one started out. You set the scene very well at the beginning, but there isn't much of a story here. I felt like I was missing something. A couple on their honeymoon talk trash to each other, a guy shows up with a wedding gift then gets shot up by some random people. It doesn't make a lot of sense. The writing is pretty good though.
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KenneyP
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Loved it! I fell in love with Helen (so I felt emotionally for her character and hoped that the gunman wouldn't do something to her, does that make me weird?) ^^
Funny ending.
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