SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 23rd, 2019, 11:11am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The Beginners Guide to the SimplyScripts Discussion Board (WIP)


Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Slaughter Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Slaughter  (currently 6068 views)
Don
Posted: April 26th, 2006, 7:47am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12982
Posts Per Day
1.94
Slaughter by Guy Jackson - Horror - In 1996, a reclusive butcher is wrongfully accused of killing a young woman in a small town in Pennsylvania.  He is lynched in the slaughterhouse that he works at and is left for dead.  The local urban legend states that ever since that day, anyone who enters the slaughterhouse is doomed.  Ten years later, a group of college students will look to to see if that urban legend is actually true for a school project.   92 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 3rd, 2008, 9:49pm
Logged
Site Private Message
guyjackson
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 12:38am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I never thought I would ever see the day where "Guy Jackson" and "Horror" would be on the same line.  But here it is.  My horror virginity has been taken.

Your read will be much appreciated, Tomson.    

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 27th, 2006, 12:48am
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 36
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1462
Posts Per Day
0.29
Augh! Jackson! It happened again! I tried reading this, but it only came up in the weird font again! The only way I can read it is if I copy and paste it onto word or something.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 36
guyjackson
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Haha!  What the hell man?  I might have to start submitting it in html format so you can read it.

Do you have Adobe reader?  If you don't go here:

http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep2.html

Download the Adobe Reader, and then you should be able to read my PDF formatted scripts.      
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 36
I_M
Posted: April 27th, 2006, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Think again.

Location
California
Posts
168
Posts Per Day
0.03
OK, I just read this and I thought it was great.

SPOILERS


I like the prologue/opening scene. That was kinda creepy where Willie's eyes just snap open after he was hung.

The characters are well-developed and real humorous (I was laughing when Shayna bend down to reach over for her pen and then the proffessor started to choke on his speech). And of course, that was kinda heartbreaking when Rachel said to Katie, "You can't die, you b****, your going to Nationals with me remember?" and then she dies. Sad.

Anyways, I thought the kills were good, and the bucket scene where the group is chanting the prayer is real creepy and even creepier when we see the head come out of the bucket.

Great job.

ET


Fear Friday: some students will die to survive a twisted killer. Coming soon.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 36
guyjackson
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 12:40am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Thanks ET, I really appreciate your review.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  One of the main things I wanted to do with this script was have characters that were developed and gave the reader a reason to care about them.  I didn't want to make them perfect, goody-two shoes prep kids, but I didn't want to make them stupid and archetypical college kids.  These are exact replicas of the students at my former university.  You know, they aren't perfect, they smoke, drink, have sex, etc., but they aren't scumbags or pricks that you can't wait to be killed.  At least I hope they weren't.  They are just a group of college kids having fun in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Another thing I really wanted to do with this screenplay was make it humorous.  Because too often, horror scripts take themselves too seriously and it is just a boring chase fest for 90 minutes.  I wanted to give my characters some life, because let's face it, us college kids are funny as hell.  But it truly was a blast writing some of these dialogue lines, especially Justin's.  He says some hilarious stuff.

Once again, I thank you wholeheartedly for checking my screenplay out.  This was my first horror script, but I have a feeling it won't be my last.  I always thought I was an action writer, but horror is very fun to write.  I hope others share your same opinion about this script.          

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 28th, 2006, 12:52am
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 36
ReaperCreeper
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
1046
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hey, everyone. I'm new to this site, so last night I decided to take as look and comment on this script. I'm sorry for not being able to post this sooner.

Now I'm far from an expert in this, but I felt like you built up the characters very well....then killed half of them off way too quickly, like you were eager to get to the killings.

Treating this as a Slasher, I also would've wanted a more wide array of weapons for the killer to use, and longer death sequences. But that's just me

Other than that I thought it was good. Almost no typos and pretty well written, in my opinion. As a new writer, I really enjoyed reading this.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 36
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1462
Posts Per Day
0.29

Quoted from ReaperCreeper
Now I'm far from an expert in this, but I felt like you built up the characters very well....then killed half of them off way too quickly, like you were eager to get to the killings.


That's how I am sometimes. I think up great deaths for my characters, and I rush through the script to get to their death scene.  

Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 36
guyjackson
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from ReaperCreeper
Hey, everyone. I'm new to this site, so last night I decided to take as look and comment on this script. I'm sorry for not being able to post this sooner.

Now I'm far from an expert in this, but I felt like you built up the characters very well....then killed half of them off way too quickly, like you were eager to get to the killings.

Treating this as a Slasher, I also would've wanted a more wide array of weapons for the killer to use, and longer death sequences. But that's just me

Other than that I thought it was good. Almost no typos and pretty well written, in my opinion. As a new writer, I really enjoyed reading this.



You have no reason to apologize.  Thanks for reading.  I hope you found it entertaining.

I can see how the kills seemed to be very quick in succession, but I didn't want to drag a whole group of kids throughout the slaughterhouse for the entire movie.  The movie is really about Justin and Rachel.  The kill scenes however I believe can be seen as tame.  I didn't want to be too over the top with them, but I think some of them can use some brushing up on.

Thanks again (I'm not calling you Meat, cause thats gay for a dude to call another dude meat) so I'll just call you dude.  Thanks dude, you advice will be considered.      
Logged
e-mail Reply: 8 - 36
mikealfaro31
Posted: April 28th, 2006, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Location
Guatemala City
Posts
7
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hi, first of all I’d like to say that reviewing someone else’s work is easier than revising your own. I hope you take all the comments I make in a constructive way, I say this because I know I’m not the greatest writer so I have a hard time making criticisms when I know My work is not as good. Now that I got that out of the way here I go.

First of all on when you introduce the characters in page 1 you say “A group of young
adult men is walking quickly in one direction. There are
about five in the group.” How can there be “About five”? There either are 5 or there aren’t. Just wirte "5 young men walk down the road". There is also a direction that says “CLOSE ON KNIFE CUTTING RAW MEAT” there really isn’t any need for this because the director will make that call. Focus on the story not how it will look on screen. It’s not a shooting script.

You have descriptions like “Through a small square window on the freezer door, a man is shown cutting meat at a long table against a wall in a bland looking room.” Don’t tell me what is shown, show me. You could change that to “ A MAN cuts meat at a long table against a wall in a bland looking room” It takes away the small square window but it makes the description a little better. The other one just sounds weird. And remember show me, don’t tell me what is shown.

Also you write in passive voice, you HAVE to use active voice. You could change “A man in a white butcher’s coat and black boots has finished cutting meat and is packing it up into small packages.” Into “A man in a white butcher’s coat and black boots potently stuffs meat into small packages.” To give you a simpler example never write “A boy is flying a kite”, write “A boy flies a kite”. Scripts can’t be written in passive voice, it takes away the action.

Sorry about being picky, but to show you another example you could change “Bobby and his friends are walking through a cold room with torsos of meat hanging from the ceiling” to ““Bobby and his friends WALK through a cold room with torsos of meat hanging from the ceiling”. That sounds a lot better.

I don’t mean to re-write your screenplay, I just want to give you some advice because I think you might have potential. Anyway, I’m not in the mood for a scary story right now, but I just wanted to give you some feedback. I’ll finish reviewing when I’m in the mood for some scares. In the mean time, think about the active voice, it WILL make the story more engaging.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 36
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 29th, 2006, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1462
Posts Per Day
0.29
Okay Jackson, I downloaded Adobe Reader (apparently I haven't upgraded in a while) so I am going to read your script and give it a review.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 36
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 29th, 2006, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1462
Posts Per Day
0.29
SPOILER SPACE


Hey, Jackson, just got done reading this. I must say, for your first horror script (this is your first horror script, isn't it?) this is actually pretty good. Though many slasher films have been butchered (sorry for the pun) this one was decent and I liked it.

But let me pull out a few quotes I enjoyed from your script...:


Quoted from Slaughter
It is a very sensual and intimate sexual encounter right up to orgasm.





Quoted from Slaughter
You guessed it. More bubbles. But not too obvious.


and


Quoted from Slaughter
Rachel continues to look on. She has a smile on her face. Justin might win!


I like it how you add in phrases as if you are telling a story.

But now to your script:

I liked the characters. They were developed well and the dialogue was nice. Your format was A-okay, and I understand what people are talking about how you killed your characters off too fast. At first I thought they were talking about killing everyone off at the very beginning, but now I see that they died about five minutes in between. But that's cool. Being sadistic like I am, I don't mind.

Your description was well and I could picture the whole thing in my head, and I laughed at a few parts, like with the professor and that slut, Stoner (such an odd name! Lol) dreaming, etc. And the chant was actually creepy, with the rhyme and everything.

Like MeatfortheBeast said, there could have been more weapons he could have used (besides the knife and the meat hook), but it's all good. And you got me at one part when Rachel was about to get Willie with the guillotine, but it didn't work. I was all tensed up for the killing of Willie, but it didn't work and that was when I said, "Oh crap."

I loved it.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 36
Shawnkjr
Posted: April 30th, 2006, 11:50am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
189
Posts Per Day
0.03
I'll Write as I Read




SPoilers











Pg 1-5 - I read the first scene; It flowed well. Nice opening!

Pg 21 - Wow! This isn't dragging at all - I'm on page 20 already! I like Rachel the most out of all the characters(Probably because you're focusing on her most-i predict she's the main survivor)

Pg 23 - This story reminds me a lot of the movie "The Slaughterhouse Massacre". That movie is ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE though. I mean UNBELIEVABLY BAD - avoid it at all cost unless you want to see the similarities it has with your script. The villain's name was Marty Sickle and dies the same way Willie dies in the beginning (Electrocuted in the butcher's tub). I can't remember details though.

Pg 24 - Stoner is a poor storyteller...he makes it seem like a newspaper article. but then again...i don't know how he speaks. By the way...Is Stoner his real name...or a nickname?

Pg 42 - Creepy -- I swear i remember a similar thing happening in the film i mentioned before - where an object falls in the water and some guy digs for it while bubbles are coming up...

Pg 44 - Katie, What the heck is wrong with her? Why'd she run off? Better to be lost with other people then to be lost alone. Every slasher has this though. I call it the "Dumb Bitch Move". One of the worst one's has to be in Scream when Tatum tries to fit her wide ass through a doggy door! LOL! that's still funny after ten years...Sorry for going off topic.

Pg 47 - "Cuts his torso in half" Nasty!

Pg 59 - Most of your character's are already dead and this would be barely past the hour mark. Usually it's reverse - they don't start dying til just before the hour mark.

Pg 71 - "...reaches the lunch tables...he throws them behind him...Rachel and Justin manage to stay one table ahead" This reminds me of that scene in Halloween: H20 - it was great here too.

Pg 74 - Inside a locker at a slaughterhouse peering through the 3 horizontal slits...sounds familiar...TCM (2003) maybe? Or maybe i just watch too many movies!

Pg. 76 - Aww....Too Bad, he died - I feel sorry for Rachel

Pg. 78 - Oh Jeez! Stoner's still alive! I forgot all about him. I  intially thought he'd be the first to go.

Pg 82 - When all else fails and the body count is low - Rent - A - Cop!

Pg 90 - Why of all people...did Stoner Survive? I never expected him to survive.


First and formost...I want to apologize for comparing your script to one of the the worst movies I've seen this millenium, The Slaughterhouse Massacre. This was so much better than that steaming pile of - sorry, i'm just upset i wasted $2 for the rental. This was pretty solid. The only problem was that it was way too simple and it seemed really short. It was a quick and entertaining read.

                                                                                                                               -Shawn


The Call - Short, Horror
Windsor Valley -Horror(Revising) http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-horror/m-1253913389/
Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
8 x 10 - Horror (Revising)
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
Movie Days - Series

Working on:
Hospitality - Thriller
Dark Souls - Horror
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 12 - 36
guyjackson
Posted: April 30th, 2006, 11:53am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from Zombie Sean
SPOILER SPACE


Hey, Jackson, just got done reading this. I must say, for your first horror script (this is your first horror script, isn't it?) this is actually pretty good. Though many slasher films have been butchered (sorry for the pun) this one was decent and I liked it.

But let me pull out a few quotes I enjoyed from your script...:







and



I like it how you add in phrases as if you are telling a story.

But now to your script:

I liked the characters. They were developed well and the dialogue was nice. Your format was A-okay, and I understand what people are talking about how you killed your characters off too fast. At first I thought they were talking about killing everyone off at the very beginning, but now I see that they died about five minutes in between. But that's cool. Being sadistic like I am, I don't mind.

Your description was well and I could picture the whole thing in my head, and I laughed at a few parts, like with the professor and that slut, Stoner (such an odd name! Lol) dreaming, etc. And the chant was actually creepy, with the rhyme and everything.

Like MeatfortheBeast said, there could have been more weapons he could have used (besides the knife and the meat hook), but it's all good. And you got me at one part when Rachel was about to get Willie with the guillotine, but it didn't work. I was all tensed up for the killing of Willie, but it didn't work and that was when I said, "Oh crap."

I loved it.

Sean



Haha, thank you Sean, I really appreciate your review.  I am glad you enjoyed it.  Yes this was my first horror screenplay and it was a lot of fun to write.  I'm also very happy you liked the way I presented the subtext with the phrases.  That was something I wanted to try out and it appears to be getting some good feedback.  I think it makes the screenplay more personable to the person reading.  Because horror is all about suspense and twists and turns so you have to steer the reader in a certain direction if you want to pull a twist on them.  So a la "Justin might win!" I wanted the reader to feel that hey, maybe this might be a different horror script where the balsy boyfriend might actually live.  Haha but not today.

With the sex scene, I had some experimentation with because I didn't want it to become some immature description of the act (like some people do on here).  I was on here before asking how to write a sex scene and many told me that it should be left to the readers imagination.  Plus the main reason for the scene is to show that Rachel and Justin really care about one another and for it to be an intimate moment.  Not some athletic fuck fest.  Plus I'll leave the details to the director if this ever gets made.  Hopefully, it will be me directing and I'll make myself Justin's stunt double.

Moving on with your review, I'm glad the description helped you visualize that setting.  That's a big plus.  And I am really staring to agree with you guys on the lack of weapons Willie uses.  I must confess, I don't have that sick and creative of a mind for slashers, hehe.  If you guys have any suggestions for weapons that would be found in the slaughterhouse, please drop them here.  I would be most grateful.

Finally, the guillotine part was a cool scene to write because I wanted it to seem like it was the end, but it wasn't.  I'm glad the suspense was built up and you actually thought Willie was going to be beheaded.

Thanks again, Sean.    
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 36
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 30th, 2006, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1462
Posts Per Day
0.29

Quoted from guyjackson
With the sex scene, I had some experimentation with because I didn't want it to become some immature description of the act (like some people do on here).  I was on here before asking how to write a sex scene and many told me that it should be left to the readers imagination.  Plus the main reason for the scene is to show that Rachel and Justin really care about one another and for it to be an intimate moment.  Not some athletic fuck fest.  Plus I'll leave the details to the director if this ever gets made.  Hopefully, it will be me directing and I'll make myself Justin's stunt double.


And suddenly "The Cabin" comes back into mind....


Sean


MY WEBSITE

CLICK A POSTER
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 36
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006